Young Writers Society

watch out, he has a

Hello Lumzy. ^_^ It's a poem with a Catcher reference - of course I want to! Or at least try to.

I quite like the stanzaness and the scrambledness, and I don't think I've seen it done quite like that! I also read it in "correct" order with the numbers, and it did seem more sensible like that, hehe. But I like that they're scrambled because it's exciting and non-sensible thing is a thing. *makes sense* I sort of hoped to see the stanzas connect even more obviously, like a line or a phrase cutting off at the end of one stanza and continuing in the next one (number-wise). So, since stanza i ends with "he has a", it would've been so cool if stanza ii had begun with "[object]". O: I think that'd be such a cool puzzle effect, if not a bit obvious, but sometimes I like obvious.

The first stanza (iv) is pretty and I think it's a nice start to this. I liked "lingered in the stitching" but I didn't care that much for the last two lines of the stanza. I mean, I liked them, but I liked the beginning more.

In the second one (ii), there are some unnecessarily wordy bits like "all four of them coming to life to terrorize the townsfolk" and it just feels like quite a jumbled jam to say in comparison with the first stanza, for example. It feels like there are too many little words and prepositions and things.

The same goes for the numbered list of v. I'm very pleased to see another reference! But the second point of the list "realization that there are knives outside the kitchen" was a bit D: to read. I'm not sure if I can explain why. It just didn't feel smooth or subtle at all. But 3 is lovely, especially 3a. It's quite powerful!

Another thing I didn't much like was the "stanza" business in iii. It was like breaking the fourth wall or something but I didn't really like it, even though I did like the rest of the stanza! Again, it seemed like the stanza weakened towards the end.

I liked the play with the wind and its howls/cries. ^_^ It was nice!

Well, this was quite a ramble and I just basically told you what I liked and didn't like. I'm not sure if I can dig any deeper than that, but I hope you don't mind!


Demzy Malone!

Mr. Lumishinsire,

What is it with you and jonquils? --Fione. I'll let you have that one, because that first line (phrase, more like) was so fantastic.

Let's talk about perfume/loam - I love the sounds, I do, but when we get to knees there is an instant disconnect for me from the scene. Up to this point, these lines stopped time for me, and the skip from shirt to knees hit like a record scratch. I mean, maybe if it were elbows planted, that connection of elbows/shirt is easily viable and maybe there'll be less of an apparent disconnect? But nomnomnom, the next part is crystal. I want for you to be aware that this flows seamlessly, so I'm just pointing out the parts that disrupted that flow, like in that 5th line. At first, I kind of wondered at the break at "roots", because I was thinking metaphorical roots, like "more alive in the core" if you will, and then I realized it was literal roots, and I liked that much better. I want for that to be my first thought though, I don't want to backtrack.

The walls are white and lifeless

1. fear alerting the body that a body will catch them in the rye,

Hey Lumi! I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. I'll pretty much just break down my reaction to each stanza, on a technical and emotional level. Anyway, here goes!

iv.

I enjoyed this first stanza, it really touched on the senses. The way you portrayed her love of nature was great. The only thing that stood out was the second line. I didn't really see where it fit in with the rest of the stanza.

ii.

There is some word repetition in the first line with 'walls'. At first I wondered if it was on purpose, if it wasn't, you could definitely make it work. The rest of the stanza is full of awesome imagery. I had trouble deciphering what some of it meant.

v.

This was easily my favorite stanza. I like how you say the wind screams and cries, instead of howls. This gives it human properties, and it has a nice, emotional effect on the reader. I like how you list the narrator's different feelings about screaming, although I think the last point on the list would be just as effective without the 3a., if you just put the info in 3a. with 3. I did like the effect it had on the timing, though.

ii

This stanza was nicely written. I like how the poem is written in a self-aware manner. It let's you know the poem is really from the heart. Somehow the transition between the second and third lines break up the timing in a weird way. I'm not sure how you would go about remedying this, because I'm awful at poetry, but on option would be to change 'an' to 'or'. For some reason 'an' makes me think a new idea is starting.

i.

Hmm...

This is a very interesting way to end the poem. I wish I could say I understand why you did it, but I'm not that clever. This is the sort of ending to a poem that would make me mad, because it feels incomplete, but somehow this fits the nature of the rest of the poem.

Well Lumi, that's all I've got. As usual, awesome job! I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work!