Young Writers Society

Woah... this is a vivid piece. Like your other poetry, you are very good at imagery and bringing forth something different and un-thought-of. It makes me feel a whole range of emotions that crawl under my skin. It is quite disturbing - but that's ok, because it evokes a strong emotion and that is the point of poetry.

The purpose of the piece is unclear - although it does seem like activism almost, with a final message that seems to say: "fruit are people too, don't eat them!". Or the fruit may be a metaphor for something else that is not directly mentioned here. Ultimately, someone is unknowingly causing pain to something, and only realises it when its too late. That is what I got out of it.

Well done!

Hi. I really like this poem. The language styles are great and extremelywell written.

"today, the old pot whines upon the stove, returned
as if a myth from dreams, gurgling and boiling,
a thousand peels dropped in—"

I love the way you connect the poem to its outcome.

what happens to the grapefruit, as you slash through its centre?
cut out its shell, peel apart the insides,
and dissect the veins?

The mood in this paragraph is a bit angry and it is good because poems should have variety of tones and moods in it.

the water sucks out all colour
as plump little heads of flesh will bob through the surface,
you could only cradle these delicate fetuses, tell them it would be okay,
wonder which child of yours would hide in the pot next.

nice here.

so you pick apart the insides, sever the pulp, and dissect
and dissect and dissect until you saw the blossom of red
spatter upon the floor and realized you'd cut through skin,
through bone,
your hands a wrangled mess upon the pool upon the floor.

Overall, i think it is a good and i like it. Keep posting good works like this..

It's a drawing piece, for a number of reasons. There's the contemporary relevance of the question it suggests, and there's the vividity with which you conceptualize your exploration. On the other hand, it's a relatively simple piece of poetry

you were little enough then to hide inside nana ninny's womb pot,

a hiss of whispers and whines, as the water sucked out all colour
plump little heads of flesh will bob through the surface, crying.
you could only cradle these delicate fetuses, tell them it would be okay,
wonder which child of yours would hide in the pot next.

what happens to the grapefruit as you slash through its centre?
cut out its shell, peel apart the insides,
and dissect the veins?

today, you see the old pot upon the stove, returned,
as if a myth from dreams, gurgling and boiling,
a thousand peels dropped in—
once the shells of bitter ovaries.

Audy -

Enjoyable poem, thank you for the read. Great opening line - compelling for its strangeness and negative syntax. The poem also has some propulsive narrative movement - I like where we conclude relative to the beginning. I think what you should beware is your tendency toward elaboration. This is a fine line to walk, because without sufficient illustration, a poem doesn't have enough body - but with too much, we are left with a heavy, uncompromising result. Much of your description here can be condensed or excised entirely. For instance, stanza two seems to contain information that is already being delivered - by noting that this scene occurs "later," or in retrospect, we understand that the subject of the poem has metaphorically and actually "moved on"/grown tired of play. On a more microscopic level, consider the line: "a hiss of whispers and whines." Here, you toy with lyricism and music. However, the fragment brims with redundancies. What good work is being done by these kinds of lines? What is the significance of reiterating hiss with whisper and whine? A poem, unlike prose, is an utterly artificial construct - and its existence is and must be justified by its deep economies and constraints. There cannot be a wasted word in a poem like there can be in a novel. Evaluate the good, the importance of each and every word, description, and rhetorical strategy. An exercise for this might be to copy the poem down by hand, leaving out parts you can't bring yourself to repeat.

Thanks for your work, and hope I was helpful.





Kylan

This is beautiful, I love it. Any piece of aesthetic that is fruitfully created such as this. I may seem to give much praise to every poem I read on here, but I enjoy each of them as art that is expressed in the author's own unique way. This is a colorful blend of imagery and nature. I don't know if this a personal piece or an artistic endeavor. Either way, it's gorgeous in it's own right. The description is a little too direct in my opinion. In other words, the description gives me sort of a negative vibe but other than that it's very well written.