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Young Writers Society



Songs from Long Ago...

by LadySpark



                                                                             ...

Songs from Long Ago...

Blood and sweat mingled across your broken, aching body.
It's the pressure of a thousand tons against your heart,
the heat of a hundred suns shining on your face.
The swish of skirts against legs is all that accompanies the haunting melody that plays in your head.

Repeative, never ending songs. 
Echoing quietly, the sound pulsing against your skin
telling you just one more dance and it'll be over.
Your brain knows differently, it calls you weak and pathetic.
How could you think you'd be able to end it once it began?
How could you think it was easier to forget yourself in songs from long ago?

Your heart's calls are louder--the lies more believable.
It tells you to rise higher than the clouds,
to let the leaps take you off the edge of the world.

Just a bit longer, you tell yourself.
Just a bit harder.

If I try again, maybe I'll get it right this time.

The curse of the ballerina.


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Thu Aug 30, 2012 5:53 am
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ImHero wrote a review...



the heat of a hundred suns shining on your face.
It's the pressure of a thousand tons against your heart,
It tells you to rise higher than the clouds,
Just a bit longer, you tell yourself.
Just a bit harder.
If I try again, maybe I'll get it right this time.

I found these lines in particular, cliche.

Remember "in your head" is a phrase that could also be considered cliche depending on preference.


Echoing quietly, the sound pulsing against your skin

the phrase "the sounds" in this line seems repetitive and totally unnecessary with the line above it.

I would firstly try to improve this piece by adding more perspective on a personal level with being a ballerina. "The curse of the ballerina." should be the name, and not the finishing line. This is MY preference though and you should go with your gut. The songs from long ago, to me, needed the prompt to answer the question of what are the songs, and why do they make you feel this way? i don't believe you 'touched base' on that well enough. A bunch of writing becomes unclear when the writer over speculates the reader in the understanding of your meanings due to personal phrases and memories unknown to everyone. I hope I helped :)

Sincerely hero





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