Hey there, NewAtThis!
I'm Euph, and in the spirit of Review Day, I am here to review your poem!
Let me start off by saying that I love your name, haha. Also, I see that you joined just about a month ago.. So, Welcome to Young Writers Society!
I have two suggestions for you that you might want to include in your writing.
More colorful vocabulary to lure your readers in further. This will allow us as readers to get a better visual. This is a key in writing.
Line breaks! In poems, it is key to separate stanzas apart from one another to help readers take a break to allow us to mull over what we read briefly, instead of all at once at the end. It allows us an extra second to have to appreciate the part that we just read and form stronger opinions.
Punctuation and grammar! Eeeeek!
When it comes to line breaks and wording, you might want to adjust it to be something more like this:
“He awakes in the hospital and sees his loved ones
Crying over a body, that’s lifeless and now gone.
Wondering who this person was, he gets a little closer,
His little sister and mother, who was 11 years sober.
Looks at the body he finds it strange
that the man lying there and him were the same.
He hears them crying and saying his name.
"vince" he immediately took blame.
He starts tearing, mouth dropped, so shocked..
Didn’t think his sins would bring him to this paradox
He almost lost it ‘til he heard a voice loud and narrow
"Vince your safe now, Your life’s no longer imperil"
Right after everything turns white
A beautiful staircase guided by a light.
He said his goodbye and apologized dearly,
but at the moment he’s never seen anything more clearly.
" Mom, Shauna and Crystal, stay full of love, ill see you one day.
But for now I’ll watch from above.
As he walks up the stairs
his fear dissapears,
His sorrow is gone and so is his tears
He can almost see heaven so joyous and sacred,
so grateful that hes finally made it.
Top of the stairs, on the heavenly floor,
he sees a holy man with wings guarding a door
Doesnt look back, he knows hes ok..
steps forward and isnt afraid
Walking through those gates, greeted by Jesus and Gabriel,
09/26/09, God gained an angel.
Overall, I really like your poem and would love to read more of your work!
I hope that this review could help you in some way.
If you ever need me, feel free to drop by either on my wall or inbox me something, and I’d be glad to help you out with anything, or simply just to talk about the revisions I have made.
Yours always,
Euphoria
Points: 3034
Reviews: 49
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