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Young Writers Society



Enslaved. Chapter 1 Scene 1.

by Rubric


Only as the manacles were forced over his skinny wrists did the severity of his circumstances become clear. His father was nearby and engaged in furious discussion with one of the traders. Their backs were to him, but it seemed to Arvad that his father was intimidated. His shoulders were hunched and he jerked his head away from the conversation during his frequent nods of assent.

Joshua’s sister, whose name he could not remember, was crying up a storm as a second trader looped her manacles around the long chain that bound the children together. Arvad wished she would be quiet. He needed to think. He didn’t understand. The second trader was a thickset swarthy man wearing the pale cloth of the Ulusami nomads. His jewellery jingled with the sound of a dozen wind chimes as he put his entire body behind the blow that felled Joshua’s sister. Arvad’s manacles pulled him to the ground as she fell. As the trader turned away, the girl shuffled across the few feet of gravelly sand that separated her from Arvad and leant against him. He barely registered her quiet sobbing, so intent was he on his father’s sheep-skinned profile. It gave him nothing.

Abruptly the first trader gave a derisive snort and gestured up the hill to the ancestral groves and the village sheltered within. Arvad’s father nodded curtly and began the long hike back up toward it. He did not look back.

Arvad’s terror overcame his confusion, “Father!” He cried.

The departing figure stopped abruptly. He was more than a hundred feet away, but Arvad could see his father’s fists clench.

Arvad could see how it would unravel. His father was both strong and fast. Only Benjamin, the village Headman, was a better fighter. He would whirl around so quickly that his warrior braids would catch the wind. His charge would be thunderous, carving up the rough ground in a matter of seconds. He would fell the second trader first; he was larger and seemed a bigger threat. Arvad was sure he had seen a curved dagger hanging from the bandolier across the man’s chest when he struck the girl. His father would reel around with the grace of a hunting cat and strike the trader he had argued with to the ground in a single blow, avenging the latter’s cavalier attitude. It would take no more than moments; these Ulusami had none of the prowess of his father’s people.

His father’s hands unclenched, first the right, then the left. Arvad watched him roll his neck and set his shoulders firmly. He had reached his decision.

Arvad’s father walked on.

Something profound left Arvad in that moment. He could not register a response. He felt numb.

Joshua’s sister continued sobbing, and as the traders forced the other children to their feet she stumbled. Arvad squatted painfully for a long moment, letting her lever herself to her feet using his knees. The brutish trader loomed behind them, taking up the position of rear-guard as the procession resumed its grim march.


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Sat Dec 08, 2012 3:28 pm
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MaryEvans wrote a review...



First a few remarks:

“Abruptly the first trader gave a derisive snort” – somewhat overcomplicated and not as direct. I suggest you go around “gave” and instead try something like “Abruptly the first trader snorted” or “first trader snorted abruptly,” just something simpler, less wordy. Also you should maybe go around abruptly (or change it) since you use it shortly after again (next paragraph).

Similar for “Arvad could see,” it seems to appear a tad too frequently, too close together. Think of a way to say it differently.
Also about his name, you can sometimes use “the boy” or something of the sort since restating his name tends to sound a bit too repetitive at times.

Overall it’s great. I can really see/feel the situation, settings and characters' feelings. The style and language are very good too. The story is paced well and you manage to hook the reader, I find. Also you don’t say things directly but they are clearly implied, perfect balance of statements and subtle hints.
So nice job, keep up the good work.




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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:13 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Hi Rubirc,

OK, so I decided to comment on each individual scene for a better overall review.

But before I get to my story impressions, I must point a couple things out.

"Joshua’s sister, whose name he could not remember, was crying up a storm as a second trader looped her manacles around the long chain that bound the children together."

While this sentence is descriptive, the "he" in there is technically an error. Anytime you have the word "he" it refers to the previous male mentioned by name, which in this case is "Joshua". So the sentence currently reads like Joshua cannot remember his sister's name. When actually you meant for the "he" to be Arvard. Be careful with stuff like this going forward as it can pull the reader away from the story.

Also, I don't know about the phrase "crying up a storm". It does give me an idea of how distraught she is, but the language doesn't feel right in the "Epic High Fantasy" style you're going for.

------
Alright, so I really like how this story starts and the feel of it as well. I like the idea of a chaotic opening that just kind of throws the reader into the story. Unfortunately that gives you (the author) less room for error right off the bat. The action does help as a "hook" though, but I would reveal the main character's name in the first sentence to help draw the reader in more. I'm not sure if that is "good advice", but it just feels better to me that way.

I'm also with Racheal in that you need to sell the "profound" moment a little more without just outright stating it's "profound".

I can't really comment on world or setting yet since this scene is essentially just to draw the reader in with an intense moment. And at that I'd say you succeeded, Well done!




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Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:34 am
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zohali93 wrote a review...



Hi there.

Great scene you have going on. I know I read this before and I thought I reviewed it.

I think this was well writen. There were, however, a few things I'd like to touch on.

So in the begining, you wrote about the boy in manacles. I'm not sure about where and when this is happening. The place would help give us an image of what you want us to see as the readers.

Also you mentioned Joshua but you didn't say who he was to Arvad. We don't know how old to picture any of these carachters. You wrote really nicely, but I feel it lacks enough description. There was enough about Benjamin and some of his dad but they aren't the main characters I assume.

This really was nice, I was really hooked. And I think you maanaged to pull of relaying the emotions to readers. Especially the part he called out to his father.

I hope this helped :)
-Zo.




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Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:10 am
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pettybage wrote a review...



I certainly like both the 'grim' and 'brutish' and the passive voice - it all throws me back to the olden titans of fantasy - Howard, Wagner, Moorcock, but it does create subliminal expectations. When you have this pulpy word choice, there should be lots of fights and battle almost immediately, without much introspection and psychology and symbolism. Otherwise the market is conditioned to more modern, so called 'invisible' prose.
BTW have you sampled Samuel Delany's Neveryon books, stuff like Bridge of Lost Desire? 70's -80's stuff, mainly for lovers of intellectual fantasy, it's like a kinkier/broodier male le Guin and explores gender and sexual relations and power politics, and master-slave dynamics in an age where it's commonplace and yet one dude appears and frees slaves but no one is ready and they go into compensatory SM enactments...




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Tue May 29, 2012 3:46 am
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RacheDrache wrote a review...



Have to mention this first, before it drives me screaming into some pit of snakes and slimy things:

Arvad’s terror overcame his confusion, “Father!” He cried.


After reading your post in Writer's Corner, and then your first paragraphs, I was getting excited, hopeful, and a little bell was ringing in my head. I have a lot of bells up there, and they ring for all sorts of reasons, but this one is the "Ah-ha! Here's something!" bell that rings and makes every other thought and care in my brain go still so I can focus somewhat ravenous-like on a story. (It usually rings while reading.)

Then I got to the above-quoted sentence, and the moment was spoiled. All the brain chatter rushed back in, and my metaphorical red pens sprung lose from the chains, and ravenous reader became ravenous writer. If this was just a typo, that's unfortunate. If it was not a typo, please review dialogue punctuation and capitalization. Given your writing skills, not knowing the rules is an insult to your own work. Looking back now, I can see other areas where your punctuation isn't quite there. If you are of the camp that believes punctuation is unimportant and this is what editors are for, I will be glad to elaborate on why you're wrong. If this is a rough draft and you just haven't looked through it because the story at this point is of more concern, I still argue that learning the rules is necessary, but we can agree to disagree.

That matter aside, onto other matters.

In general, I liked the content of this scene, and the dynamics at work. Boy getting sold to slavers, boy's presumed friend's sister getting sold to slavers, confused boy waiting for father/village to stop this and save them, that not happening. Good stuff, powerful beginning material. I don't know if your execution of it is working for it as best as it could.

One problem on the narrative level is the number of names given to the reader, not to mention the other characters. We have Arvad, and off-page Joshua, and Joshua's unnamed sister, and off-page Benjamin, and Father, and the traders, as well as a mention of the Ulusami people that are the traders but not the kids. This is a lot to keep track of, and distracts from the emotion of the moment because we are struggling to keep track of who is who in relation to whom. Fewer names is a possibility. Fewer introduced characters is another. Better handles onto each of the characters is another.

Also on the issue of names, and of particular importance to me because I am obsessed with names, is that an Arvad in the presence of Benjamins and Joshuas was difficult to digest. Fantasy name, 'real world' name. Not easy to assimilate as a reader, or at least not easy for me to assimilate. Certainly something, however, that other frequent readers might notice.and find odd. This of course poses the question of whether you want the name to stand out, as that is quite possible, very Brechtian, but for me it was a distraction.

Your employed perspective was also unclear. One minute we're in Arvad's head, one minute it's omniscient, one minute it's an incredibly biased 18th/19th century omniscient. Consistency would be nice, and I'd advise against the latter, as it's outdated and in this case led to the accumulation of adjectives that do little other than add melodrama.

In regards to the last point, what I'm looking at is this:

The brutish trader loomed behind them, taking up the position of rear-guard as the procession resumed its grim march.


Here, we are told that the trader is brutish and not left with room for our own interpretation, and we are told it is a grim march. Perhaps later the Good-Evil line that you blurred with the father's betrayal will fall away again, but for now I'm not sensing any depth to the narrator.

Of course, if this is entirely through Arvad's perspective, that would change things. And thus I come back to the issue of perspective consistency mentioned above.

Onto the writing level...

Something profound left Arvad in that moment.


This is another moment that stood out to me for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps this is again more personal pet peeve than adequate critique, but I hate it when writers point out to me which moments are profound and noteworthy and which are not, even if indirectly. I don't appreciate being told....that something profound left him. Seven hells, I'd rather be told how awful and horrible it is that his father has betrayed his respect and admiration and hope in such a way. I'd rather be told how devastating it is. And I say that even though I hate when writers reduce such a monumental moment to a few words of Tell and rumination about the devastation of betrayal.

Take-home kernel here: profound moments will speak for themselves. Attempts to describe the profundity of the moment are futile. Don't insult your reader by directing attention or trying. How Arvad feels in response is a far better marker of the momentousness of the incident than anything the written word can muster in one sentence.

And on a very technical level, two more aspects. First, you use a lot of adverbs. I'd advise cutting them. They do little for the prose other than clutter it and tell the reader what the actions and descriptions should show. 9/10 of them can vacate the premises.

Second, your verb choice.

Only as the manacles were forced over his skinny wrists did the severity of his circumstances become clear. His father was nearby and engaged in furious discussion with one of the traders. Their backs were to him, but it seemed to Arvad that his father was intimidated. His shoulders were hunched and he jerked his head away from the conversation during his frequent nods of assent.


In bold is passive voice. Italics, copula be. Underlined, an altogether iffy verb.

I am not the vehement hater of the passive voice. Passive voice has its uses, and its pace. I hesitate whether your opening paragraph is this place. The first passive use I could see, perhaps, as it emphasizes his lack of agency and creates a mystery as to who is doing the shackling, but the double occurrence caught my eye.

And then we have the forms of 'be,' a verb so meaningless that many languages don't bother to have one for it. English is not one of those, obviously, and like passive, forms of 'be' have their place. But they are boring, stative, static verbs that add nothing. Perhaps nothing is what you were intending, but I wonder if something else couldn't be more effective.

As for the 'seemed'... not a word of great meaning either. Takes of space. Does strange things for the POV. Very removed and calculated. Worth taking a closer look at. If anything you could cut it and the scene would be a word more concise.

These observations apply to the rest of the scene. I'd also look at your use of conditional verbs to make sure they're working as you intend them to.

In general, I'd say you have a lot of words here in this scene, and that you could be making more efficient use of them to unlock the power of the scene. I read your post in Writer's Corner, so I know you're not out to write the streamlined and easily-digestible prose characteristic of much modern day fantasy, but a judicious use of words is important to all varieties of literature. I like thick, dense prose when it serves a function. Here, its function appears to be making experiencing the story more difficult. I think looking at your verbs, your adjectives, and your adverbs would yield some effective results.

In conclusion, I'm interested in what this story will become. It has a different air to it that I like, and something about it interested me at first. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm usually accessible by PM or Wall message, and would be more than willing to clarify anything unclear or explain in further depth or even argue.

Rach




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Mon May 28, 2012 8:21 pm
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wordsandwishes wrote a review...



I really like your writing style. The beginning of his book leaves a lot of questions. I'm curious as to why Arvad can't remember his own sister's name, and I know you said the other details would emerge in later scenes, it's just that this question really bothered me.
Other than that I think this story's great, I can't wait to read the next scene!

w&w




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Mon May 28, 2012 7:30 pm
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fantasywolf wrote a review...



this is really, really good! I like the way you capture sounds and the plot allows the story to progress. The only problems i had was grasping the character arvod, he was loyal, strong and passionate but thats all i could really make of him, i think he is poorly developed other than that.

I think the story is going to be really good and those were the only things i had problems with:):):)




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Mon May 28, 2012 1:18 pm
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ElizabethHuntley wrote a review...



This was really, really good! Very well written and I did not notice any spelling errors!! :)
So, I am supposing the father sold them? Or did I not understand right..? Anyways, I really liked it and cannot wait to read more! :)




Rubric says...


It may come up later, but the father was essentially a representative of the village, which has to pay a tribute of slaves to the Ulusami nomads. The reasons for this should become apparent in later scenes. Thanks for your feedback!


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Okay! :) Your welcome, please check out my writing :)



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Mon May 28, 2012 1:10 pm
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HorriBliss wrote a review...



Overall, I quite like this as a first chapter to a novel, for a variety of reasons. It delivers a strong narrative - the plot allows the story to progress, and you don't dwell, your style is fluid and dynamic, but compact and economical. However, this also lends itself to the problem of, in my opinion, not being descriptive enough. I'd prefer to envision what you want me to, all you've told me so far is that it is the base of a hill, and Arvad's father is walking toward his village; there's little in the way of sights and smells, although you've captured sounds quite well: "His jewellery jingled with the sound of a dozen wind chimes as he put his entire body behind the blow that felled Joshua’s sister." is a line I particularly like, due to the contrast between the jingling jewellery and the thud of the blow.

I also enjoyed your use of understatement, I think you've actually mastered it quite well, it occurred numerous times in your piece of prose, I'll just give this one example, though: "..wished she would be quiet. He needed to think. He didn’t understand."

Another problem I had was that I never got proper grasp of the character of Arvad; I feel he is strong and passionate for his village, and loyal to his father, of course, but other than that, I think he is poorly developed. Of course, this is a novel so I expect to learn more about him the more that I read but, saying that, I think that for the first chapter you need to also engage the reader and help him delve into the mind of your characters. I feel this could be acheived through a switch to first-person, but, of course, you probably have your reasons for keeping it in the third-person perspective.

To summarise, I quite like the story and plot, but I feel that the setting can be expanded upon. I predict that an escape is inevitable in this story, either Arvad or his father, although I also predict a death will happen - most likely his father. There's enough here to keep a reader interested in reading more, to learn WHY they are prisoners, and WHY such a strong man (Arvad's father) has been reduced so low.




Rubric says...


Thanks for your feedback, it's both specific and detailed. Arvad's character will develop over time but I may have tried to cut back too much. I was trying to put across his feeling of numbness and insensibility, but that might not be coming across.
One of the big themes I'll be exploring is the relationships built around loyalty: particularly loyalty to those dependant on you. Arvad's father gives us a taste of that, and we'll explore the reasons behind Arvad's enslavement in later scenes. Thanks for the read and review!




Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato