Young Writers Society

Haiiii! Here I am to review, as requested I'll start with some specific comments as I read this through and then try to give you a few general thoughts at the end.

I lost an uphill battle
with Vasks in my ears <<< You need to move on from here to describe what the battle is. At the moment, the reader doesn't have anything to picture in their head because battle and music are such different areas. The reader doesn't know if there should be men with swords or a teenager and a pair of headphones. Your job as the writer is to reinforce the dominant image with another line, something simple that adds a little background scenery or maybe gives us a hint as to the nature of this battle. Just something to clear up the confusion.

when my eyes rolled back in my head
I saw the spaces
where my back teeth used to be <<< Black spaces, white teeth. I'm thinking keyboard here which is cool. It's also cool that you don't say it outright but maybe a music word/ image, just to kick start your reader's brains.

the Cellist spat
malice and memories
as I swallowed my tongue and my pride
I
choked and laughed
while luke-warm water
ran down my gullet and my spine <<< There's a lot of me, me, me here and I don't really like that. It makes your persona come across as a bit too self involved for my liking. Also, you've got a good rhythm here - love that half rhyme with pride and spine. But, the words themselves are dull. They're disconnected images that don't seem to be leading elsewhere and you're starting to lose my interest. There haven't been enough clues of the deeper context yet and I'm flailing a little in space. I love the psychedlic feel you have in places but I feel you need more 'real' setting too. What is actually happening, where is this taking place? Obviously inside the persona's head but where and who is the persona?
to velvet fingertips trying to pull
the rusty fish-hooked thorn <<< I've really no idea where this image comes from or where it fits in. So confused.
out of my side

my eyes wouldn't stay closed
and my eyes pulled in opposite directions <<< Don't repeat my eyes, just use 'they' instead.
as I scratched the itch in my throat
with the business-end of a .44 <<<Alright. I think I'm starting to catch up with you here. Gun, music, battle - sucide right? A teenager perhaps in their bedroom with the music blasting a way and a gun down their throat? This is my second read through though and its taken me that long to thread any pieces together so I think you really need to bring in more details. Like I was saying before, tell us about this person's room. Just little flashes here and there should help fill in the background more.

black shirts and crimson skirts hide blood-stains <<< I don't like this line, it's really passive. I'm also confused as to whether the persona is now dead or not and not interested enough either way to try and puzzle it out, but more on that later.
but the last time my eyes won a Pyrrhic victory <<< It's about time I addressed your vocabulary. You keep moving from very simple, bland language to rather complex or dated stuff. I haven't heard the term Phyrrhic used outside of old history books or some of the stuff I read when I was younger and obsessed with fights and stuff. It suggests your persona ought to be an old man raising a last glass of scotch and grinding his tie into the floor. Without these details though, it's impossible to know and which the simple language present, your persona could just as easily be a teenage girl in a red skirt with posters of boy bands littering her walls and magazines shredded on the carpet. Who is your persona, why should I care about them?
they retreated to somewhere
between my third and fourth vertebrae
where they were spat out Spat is an unusual verb and you've used it once already in this poem so it feels odd to find it a second time.
like broken teeth and buried
with the rest of the Fallen Transformers reference? I don't know, some kind of reference though. On the one hand I like these things as it's almost like this is a treasure map of who the persona is and all the places they've been before they died. On the other hand, it can confuse your audience and leave them feeling like they've been left out in the cold.

I used to think I would have stood
my ground at Hell's Pocket The strategy game? None of these references seem to link up to me, I honestly can't get a very clear impression of who your persona is. Male perhaps, though the crimson skirts really throws me off there.
but things look different
from the flat of my back
and that was before my eyes
followed Charles Marlow Finally a reference I can be sure about. The Heart of Darkness. I like this one. I don't however like the cliche that follows of life flashing before your eyes when you die. That juxtaposition of the cliche and the philosophical approach isn't working for me.
and saw flashes of things
that weren't really there.

Alright so you have something interesting here but I don't know if I particularly like it. I find your persona too difficult to connect with and it takes me too long to work out what's going on and there are still parts I'm fuzzy on. Also, wo is this persona and why do they kill themself? What does it matter to me? There seems to be crucial parts missing and I don't feel you've given me anything to take away with me. There's no strong emotions here and the imagery falls just short of grabbing my attention. I think you've got some good ideas and there are parts which work but as a whole, this isn't something I felt I could connect with.

I hope I've been able to help at least a little despite that. If you have any questions, send me a pm,

Heather xxx