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Young Writers Society



The Hawk

by Shady


I lay on a gently swinging hammock, staring up at the cloudless sky. The vast pastel blue sky stretched out above me like a giant canvas; painted by an artist far greater than any human could dream of being. It was still and unbroken, like the glassy surface of a cool lake on a warm summer’s afternoon; gently soothing my riled soul.

A soft breeze makes my hair dance around, to the soft melody of the playful birds in the distance. They seem to direct their joyous whistles and clucks towards me; beckoning me to come join them in their delightful games. They tempt me to come play and sing and carelessly flit about with them; far above the evils of the world.

The leaves of the forest in front of me are rustling; gently whispering to my heart. Calming my fears and telling me to be patient; reminding me that the One who made and sustains all this life, is the One who will guide my steps, if I will only wait on Him.

I allow the crackling of the campfire beside me, and the tinkling of a nearby wind chime to carry me into a dreamy stupor. I watch a Robin glide past me lazily, and then gracefully drop onto a branch of an ancient Oak tree in my yard. Everything is well in the world.

Then a hawk screeches; and the wellness is gone. The Robin has suddenly disappeared, seemingly into thin air; and the birds of the forest have fallen into a terrified silence. The bird of prey circles above me; like a streak of evil across the blissful sky.

I imagine I am a Cardinal in the woods; terrified and searching for somewhere, anywhere, to hide. But all of the hollow trees that I see are occupied by other frightened birds; distraught, for my sake, that the hawk will find me. And then he does; his shiny black eyes lock in on me as soon as he comes around a giant Sycamore.

He flaps toward me rapidly; screeching threateningly as he closes the space separating him from his meal. I flap through the woods wildly; doing my best to replace the gap that separates me from certain death. The twigs whipped my face and wings, making it hard to fly. I don’t want to be his supper.

The hawk surges towards me, and, at the last moment, I veer to the right. He, being the less dexterous bird, flew right past me; and it takes him several moments to stop and correct his course. That gives me precious seconds to put time between us; I almost get away, I’m almost to safety…When something hits my face, hard.

I yelped and jerked my heads around, frantically trying to locate the bird trying to make me his next meal; but there is no hawk, and there is no danger. Instead I find myself lying face-down in the inch-tall grass; with the treacherous hammock swinging smugly beside me.

I sat up, rubbed my face, and grumbled at renegade hammock; which had yet again proved that I wasn’t welcome to lie on it. A mockingbird is laughing at me scornfully; and even the songbirds, who had resumed their songs, sound derisive to me now. The world had return to mocking me.

‘Come play’ they had said; I could just forget about flying, if I was too dumb to lay on a hammock.

I sighed and buried my toes in the grass, and let the sunlight it had absorbed throughout the day warm my chilled toes. I looked up and watched two sparrows chase each other through the long shadows of late afternoon, and then around and around a young spruce tree.

“One day,” I sighed, “One day I’ll be as free as you.”


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Sun Oct 11, 2020 5:35 pm
Riverlight wrote a review...



...why are you looking at me like that? Whaddaya mean that this is an old work? A work is a work is a work, and I think we both have reviewing agendas. Besides, I wanna review everything you write, so get ready! XD

If you couldn't tell, ShadowVyper, I'm here to review your work because I've started a quest to review everything you and several others write so as to ensure that they get some feedback from a Southerner with too much time and not enough sweet tea!

You've got a lot of great imagery sprinkled into this work, especially there at the beginning! It really draws me in there at the start as I love some nice details, and it kept me hooked throughout.

I really think it's interesting how you capitalized normally-lowercased words. I feel that it adds to the feel of both a calming yet excitable message that I'm personally receiving from this short piece.

There are a few shifts from present-tense to past-tense, but that happens to the best of us! There are also comma/period mix ups, which are also easily fixed. <3

I think that this is a really great piece with room for improvement, and I really hope that this review is helpful!




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:22 pm
veeren wrote a review...



Well hello there Vyper ^.^
I don't think I'll have a lot of nitpicks to point out with you, but let's see what I find anyway :D

Hm, you seem to switch tenses a lot, and that's from reading the first paragraph alone. I'm sure if you were to look it over, you could quite easily fix it, the only hard part would be choosing which tense to use.

Spoiler! :
makes my hair dance around, to the soft melody


The comma isn't needed here.

Spoiler! :
crackling of the campfire beside me, and the tinkling of a


This would sound much better with the 'beside me,' part.

Spoiler! :
comes around a giant Sycamore.


Sycamore doesn't have to be capitalized.

Spoiler! :
I veer to the right.


heh, veer. ;)

Spoiler! :
I yelped and jerked my heads around,


More than one head, huh?

Spoiler! :
toes in the grass, and let the sunlight


Get rid of the 'and and change 'let' to 'letting' and you've got gold.

The rest is great. The story itself was lovely and I had a pleasure reading it. Though I have to say I'm quite disappointed in the amount of mistakes I found.
Keep up the good work anyway, Vyper :D




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 5:07 pm
Dakota wrote a review...



A very nice piece of writing, although I did pick up on a few grammatical errors.

You switched from present to past, but keeping present tense consistant in a story, even a short one, is hard, so, if you reviewed it yourself, you could easily sort this out.

Another thing that bothered me is the first two lines.

"I lay on a gently swinging hammock, staring up at the cloudless sky. The vast pastel blue sky stretched out above me like a giant canvas; painted by an artist far greater than any human could dream of being."

They would be fine if you just got rid of the second 'sky'. Personally, I would put:
"I lay on a gently swinging hammock, staring up at the cloudless sky. It is a vast pastel blue, stretched out above me like a giant canvas; painted by an artist far greater than any human could dream of being."

Some of your capitals are wrong, but I'm sure you know where they are wrong.

Apart from that, this is a very nice descriptive piece, well done and let me know when you do more!




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Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:02 pm
JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Although I don't focus on grammar in my reviews, you need to fix the tenses in this piece. You switched from the present tense to the past tense. Stylistically, I believe this piece would sound better in the past tense. I like the sense of reflection that the past tense gives.

This piece was extremely descriptive and your words were very beautiful. However, I didn't see the point of it. Nothing really happened besides your main character falling out of a hammock. Therefore, all of the words before him falling out of the hammock were pointless and added nothing to your story. If there is some deep underlying point to this story, I wasn't aware of it.

The last thing your main character says, "One day I'll be as free as you." seemed out of place to me. I felt no longing for him to be free through your writing. That statement jumped out to me and confused me. If he longed to be free, he should at least be thinking about it somewhat before he falls out of the hammock.

Your words are very beautiful and this was an interesting read for me. Keep me posted on any writing you do in the future. Happy Writing!




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Sun Jan 06, 2013 7:40 pm
elysian wrote a review...



I love all the metaphors and similes.

I like how you started it off. the imagery in this Part is amazing.:
I lay on a gently swinging hammock, staring up at the cloudless sky. The vast pastel blue sky stretched out above me like a giant canvas; painted by an artist far greater than any human could dream of being. It was still and unbroken, like the glassy surface of a cool lake on a warm summer’s afternoon; gently soothing my riled soul

I thought comparing the unbelievable artist and the amazing sky was a good choice.

I also really liked the very last line:
“One day,” I sighed, “One day I’ll be as free as you.”
it was such a longing force. I'm not that good at reviewing so this is all I got, sorry for the poor length.




~Lylas




Shady says...


Thanks for the review, Lylas! :)



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Sun Jun 17, 2012 1:33 am
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DragonGirl11 wrote a review...



Hey Vyper! You requested a review quite a while ago. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Anyway, love the piece! When I started reading, I thoughht it would be a happy little descriptive piece without much plot, but I was wrong! I really enjoy the imagery, and how you created suspense out of something so simple. However, I do have some suggestions to make.

-The first paragraph and the last couple paragraphs are in past tense and the rest is in present tense. I woulod suggest putting it all in one tense, probably present.

-You used the phrase "soft breeze" pretty close to the phrase "soft melodies", so you might want to change one or the other to avoid repetition.

-In the third paragraph, the sentence starting with "Calming" is a fragment. You could try starting it with "They are" or joining it with the previous sentence. I like the reference to God, though. I have to disagree with Twit about this clashing with the chracter's later feelings that the world was mocking her. Nobody feels completely happy all the time, right? So it makes the character real.

-Names of trees and birds shouldn't be capitalized, unless you're trying to make it the name of a character, which I don't really see here.

-When you say, "But all of the hollow trees that I see are occupied by other frightened birds; distraught, for my sake, that the hawk will find me." I think you should clarify with "they are" or "I am", whichever you really mean here. This is partly because the part after the semicolon is unable to stand alone as a sentence right now, so you can't technically use a semicolon there!

-In the very next sentence, remember not to start a sentence with and.

-At one point, you refer to the hawk as the "less dexterous bird", but dexterous usually refers to hands. "Agile" might be better.

I really liked how you created such nice suspense in only a few short paragraphs. You also had nice transitions. The transition from the peaceful hammock to the suspenseful chase was nice and smooth, and again from the chase back to the hammock was very nice, if somewhat comedic :)

All in all, very very very nice :D Write on, and God bless!
~DragonGirl11




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Sat Jun 02, 2012 1:21 pm
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AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Vyper! I CAN'T HELP IT; I NEED TO SAY THAT YOUR PIECE IS GREAT! No really :) I fell in love with this slice-of-scene story about openness and yearning, retribution and respite between quick moments. These kinds of stories are what make daddy happy! But of course, I vowed to give equal quality of reviews to everyone, so I'll give a rationalized review to this piece.

As I've said, this type of stories are my interests: no beginning, no end, no history, just a scene and idea. But not everyone can be appealed to this, so be wary about readership, dear. Now, the title, as the first topic I want to comment on, is fine with me. 'The Hawk'. It has enough impact to generate interest. So I guess it's enough to fulfill my hunger for titles :) ! I certainly love its simplicity.

It seems very descriptive as a story, but it's nice on its own without much dialogue. So, let's focus on how you describe the scenes instead. The first few paragraphs were told slowly and beautifully, they were simply serene. Although, as the story flows, it gradually becomes quicker, and thus it seems that you're not showing the story, but telling it. I think it would be better if you show the latter parts. You can do this by using adjectives, figurative speech and irregular structures. Also, try to avoid tell-ly words like the be verbs.

Next, on the technical side of the piece. It seems that you love semicolons, eh? Well, be sure not to overuse them! For example, " He flaps toward me rapidly; screeching threateningly as he closes the space separating him from his meal. " The semicolon is a small mistake. Since 'screeching threateningly' is a participial adjective to the hawk (he), the punctuation should be a colon. As a reminder, semicolons are used between two clauses in which the second one can't directly continue the first clause, but the two of them are too related to take apart as individual sentences. For the sake of my love for grammar conventions, I will approve of your capitalization of certain nature-related words like Cardinal etc. Just be sure to capitalize all those nature words to keep up with a theme. I approve of it because it becomes some sort of symbolism which gives another idea of the story.

Well, that's all I can say! May this review help you in the betterment of your writing! Good luck :)

Your Quick Critic,
Alf




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Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:42 pm
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Twit wrote a review...



Hello ShadowVyper! Sorry it took me a while to get to this—I had a pig of an essay.


I watch a Robin glide past me lazily, and then gracefully drop onto a branch of an ancient Oak tree in my yard.

No need for the capitalisation here.


Then a hawk screeches; and the wellness is gone.

“Wellness” is kind of a lame word.


The bird of prey circles above me; like a streak of evil across the blissful sky.

Bad semi-colon! You need a comma here.


That gives me precious seconds to put time between us; I almost get away, I’m almost to safety…When something hits my face, hard.

Instead I find myself lying face-down in the inch-tall grass; with the treacherous hammock swinging smugly beside me.

And here’s where you use semi-colons rightly and wrongly. The first time is right, the second is wrong. You use a semi-colon to connect two unrelated parts of a sentence together (I think. Get a second opinion on this. I know how to use them, but can’t always explain to someone else). The first time that’s right, but the second time you need a comma.

---
Okay, so I see you switch back to past at the end as well as beginning in past. That’s cool, kind of like bookends, but I think ’twould be better, clearer if you only had the imaginings in present tense. You have the bit immediately after she “wakes” in present as well, so the distinction between dream and reality isn’t as clear. Maybe that’s the effect you were going for, but personally I’d change it.

I guess this works okay just as a descriptive piece, but I don’t know, it feels like there’s something lacking. Your character mentions “Him” and “the One” as though she believes in God and that seems to give her contentment, but then by the end she feels trapped and everything seems to mock her. That doesn’t fit. If she feels trapped, then I’d like to get a better feel of that. Doesn’t have to be specific, but just more elaboration on those feelings. Let me take something away from this—a connection to the character and her feelings. Not giving her a name, because I like that anonymity, like the character is an image, a characterisation rather than a character, you know? But let her stand for something concrete, something strong that I’ll remember. Right now I’m not so sure what it is she stands for, or what I’m meant to feel—the sense of peace within nature shattered, Nature green/Nature red, or being trapped and unable to reach out to Nature, or the futility of imagination and dreams not being enough to sustain us, or what.

PM or Wall me if I wasn’t clear on anything, or if you have any questions! :D

-twit




Shady says...


Thanks! This helped alot!




“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell