Young Writers Society

Hey there Dreamingthelife! Here I am, as requested - although it seems like DudeMcGuy has done my work for me XD For spelling and grammar, I would have mentioned most of the same things he did, except for maybe one or two. If you go through and fix the places he mentioned, it'd be great. I'll just point out a few really big things you should definitely try to fix, and mention a few non-grammar things I noticed.

First of all, paragraphs. They break the story down into small, managable chunks. It is much harder to read a story all in one big block.

Next, I know you tried to leave the character ambiguous, but in my personal opinion, although I'm sure not eeryone would agree with me here, I like it when there's something there to make a character, even if it's just a name or a gender. It would be easy enough to put just a moment in there, maybe between him and his grandmother or brother, where they use his name.

The transition you have there, "One week later", this could be added in with the first sentence of the next paragraph. Big declarations like that are more for movies and comic books. In stories, the passing of time is usually more subtle, although you could still put a gap there or something else to mark that it's a different part in the story.

You haven't got a lot of description in the story, and you could certainly add more if you like, but I think the small amount you have here does well in its own subtle way. I have to echo DudeMcGuy in enjoying the line, "It was supposed to "honour the dead", as if the bastards knew anything about honour." Not only does it say something about the authority in the place, it says something about the character that's saying it. We don't know a lot about the character, so this small window is good for a reader.

As for plot, I haven't got much to say. There's not a lot of plot you can fit into such a short story, and this is about as much as you can expect. You show just a small part of the character's life, a specific part where he/she does a whole lot of growing up in a shoort period of time.

Overall, it's a pretty decent story. You certainly have a talent for storytelling, and I would love to see you develop it. Write on, and God bless!

Hi dreamingthelife! I'm no expert, so take this review with a grain of salt.

I was very impressed with the level of detail and description. A few of my favorite parts: "I was in the small, cramped kitchen of our cold little shack, brewing tea in a small tin pot over a stove of quickly dying embers." (Great detail and description)
And:"It was supposed to "honour the dead", as if the bastards knew anything about honour."
(I love how I can feel the emotion of the character in this line)
And: "I just became motionless and let the numbness consume me."
(Very good! I like this line very much!)
Also, I didn't even know that "Spluttering" was a word. (thought it was a typo at first) Thank you for expanding my vocabulary!

Your piece is well written overall, but I noticed a few minor things.
First of all, you should separate the writing into distinguishable paragraphs. Make it easier for the reader and control the flow of the story.

"A complete wave of helplessness overwhelmed me as I realised my mother might not have been one of the lucky few to escape. Things seemed to slow down as the numbness of the realisation set in."
"Realised" and "realisation" are misspelled here. Also, I would replace "Things" with "Time" (even more descriptive).

"I could hear someone screaming for me to run, but it sounded as of they were miles away from the world of shock I was lost in."
This sentence is almost perfect (great detail), I would probably replace "for" with "at" though. I think it reads better that way. And "of" is a typo for "if".

"I came to the cargo bay and was getting close the entrance when a shudder knocked me off my feet."
You need another "to" between "close" and "the" here.

"A roof beam had collapsed , blocking my way."
You don't need "had" here because the event just happened. "Had" should be used sparingly to specify a sequence of time or past events. You could try " A roof beam collapsed and blocked my way." Or something similar.

"This time when a pair of strong hands scooped me up and pulled me away. I didn't resist."
The first sentence is a fragment because it can't stand on it's own without "I didn't resist". I would put "I didn't resist" in place of "This time". Combine the two sentences into one.

"It would only make it worse for my brother and my grandmother."
As a general rule that I follow, don't use the word "it" more than once in a sentence. Things can get jumbled up that way. I would actually suggest removing both of the "it" in that line.
"My anger would only make matters worse for my brother and my grandmother." Sounds better right? I try to replace "It" with what "it" is referring to (Not always, only when appropriate).

"All I had left of them was my mothers silver ring and my fathers worn leather jacke. I wrapped the jacket around my shoulders and let the memories and the familiar scents come back to me."

Misspelled "jacket" at the end of the first sentence here.
Also, as a personal preference type of thing, try to not use the same noun twice in back to back sentences if possible ("Jacket" in this case.) You could call it a cloak or a coat the second time. Just use Thesaurus.com and type in Jacket and see what you like!
One more thing on this part, (Sorry I'm such a grammar/spell-check Nazi, just trying to help) you need an apostrophe on "mothers" and "fathers". Should be "mother's silver ring". The apostrophe is needed to imply the previous ownership. (I'm sure you knew that, just a simple mistake)

"Days of being in the meadow, foraging for the plants and herbs that kept my family Alive."

No need to capitalize "alive" at the end.

"But then I thought, if he could do it maybe I could too, maybe there not just memories but hopeful instructions."

This sentence is too long I think. (Too many commas) And "there" should be "they're" as in "they are."

Sorry if I'm too picky! But the good news is that your few errors are easily correctable. I make the same mistakes all the time actually.

I really enjoyed this piece and wish you success in the future. And I respect your ability to write in first person (something I struggle with greatly).

Wow. That was really descriptive. It kind of reminds me of the Hunger Games.
It's well written, maybe just develope your characters more. I loved it! I could feel the tension. Are you going to write more ?
It really impressed me, keep at it, your truly a gifted writer.
Lots of love Dreams <3