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From Where We Started - 1: 1

by Ikerot



The village cried to me in agony, begging me to stop the suffering. My eyes blinked, almost teared up by the smoke that came over, blown by disaster-made wind, to choke me. I was unable to stop, I had gone too far. This was too much that even a simple rain storm couldn’t stop. Fires raged upon the roofs, making roaring sounds, threatening me from taking any more steps forward. The dirt path of the village that I stood in neatly placed houses symmetrically. Each of them made of wood and rice paper, such a perfect ingredient for flames. My mind had decided, and I forced myself into the heart of the village—about six or ten villagers dead as I passed them. This wasn’t something I could travel back in time and stop myself. This was a mistake I had to bear. The destruction of an entire race!

The flames danced wildly upon the roofs of each house, its green flames created orange fire, one house at a time.

I made my way into the center of the village before I was stopped by a familiar voice. “Elise… please…” the man coughed, pleading me. It was chief.

Why was I so stupid? These people knew me, they trusted me. And yet, I turned their faith against them. I wasn’t their guardian angel, I was the fiend that lied through the bare teeth of this twisted mouth. He didn’t pull his head up, it took too much energy, and at that moment, strength was what he needed to pull the words out of his mouth. His words were quiet, I had to kneel and lean my head in. “Within my mansion lie my two precious children. We may be done for, but they still have so much to live for! They will be my future. Save them… I beg of you.” There was a large cut on his back, barely any burn marks. This might be the reason why he was in this state. I looked at him in pity, then it would counter back at me. “I know what you’ve done.”And I know I can’t ever repay this, no matter how many times I torture myself.“But it’s not your fault.”

My eyes widened, lips tightened, and I dared to shout at a man lying on his death bed. “It’s not my fault? I’m the one who started the fire. I’m the one with the Queen’s Flame!” I selfishly confessed to everything. “And you say that it’s not my fault?”

Under his ragged grey hair, his face pointed toward the ground and away from my view, I could feel his smile. He was grinning. The chief moved his head sideways, letting himself watch his village falling apart. “I have told that one day this would happen. We weren’t made to live forever. I have accepted my fate, but I can’t let my children be a part of this. Please, as a favor from a friend, save them. At least… you’ll be able to save a part of yourself with this.”

After continuing to observe him, he no longer moved. The chief was gone. If I saved his children, I would be saving myself? What kind of logic was that? Ah, psychological. My knees straightened and I had gotten back to my original height. Turning on my heels, I was about to head toward the chief’s mansion—to the east—when something suddenly and surprisingly grabbed my ankle. I turned back, shock surging through my brain. It was a soft grip, rather, a dying grip. “Whatever you do, don’t let her spread her wings.”

Don’t let her spread her wings.

Those were his final words.

He was supposed to be dead. And yet it was like the heavens above sent him straight back to his body to let him heed his warning to me. At least I knew that one of his two children was a girl. After the charcoal covered hand released me of my position, I continued onward east. Of course, the chief wasn’t lying when he said mansion. Out of every regular looking house, his mansion stood out like a sore thumb. It was like the city hall, except this was a standalone village that preferred no connection with anybody. This village was peaceful, well, usually. Now there wouldn’t be a tranquil home on the planet of Yuos, the green planet that was surrounded by vegetations, waterways, oceans, and natural-born enemies.

The manor was like a painting, one filled with hatred and the desire to burn everything. The fire already made its way here, quickly eating everything up and spitting out the dust.I’d better hurry.The frames came forth from the ground and up to the seven foot wall, then side to side the structure would connect to keep itself from falling apart. What covered it from the public was rice paper. The brownish red oak shined brighter than it should be. The flames were heading up. Soon, the ceiling that had an arc would collapse with the children under it. I heard enough screams that would last a lifetime. I wasn’t about to have another carved into my brain.

The oak and tan-ish white rice paper was no match for my boot as I kicked it down. With the door opened, I searched for these two children, not knowing if they were alive or already burned to a crisp. Ashes flew onto my skin and clothes without me noticing. I was in a frantic state, coughing every few seconds. At this moment, the smoke that caused so much poison would drop a human’s lung, letting them suffer before their body was engulfed. Too bad I wasn’t one; I didn’t plan on being a victim to fire. But there was too much, it was blocking my vision, tickling my throat and causing me to retch like a madman. The green floor was all I could see on the bottom, but the door that released all of this smoke appeared to not be the way.I should leave the guest room and not take the closet door.

Everywhere I searched for these two. Had the chief deceived me? Did he bring me here to die? No, he knew who I was. Piles of burnt wood weren’t going to kill me. They might as well stab my heart with a wooden stake. No, he would never be this… evil. Although I had never seen these children of his, did they even exist? The time that I spent here in this village, I never caught a glance of them. He described them with so much grace in his voice. “They are the most beautiful thing you’ll ever lay your eyes on, Elise. My people say that the color of their hair shows that they are infected. Of all things they decide to tell to the chief, they go ahead and tell me that my children are defects. Maybe I shouldn’t be so nice to them; then again, I can’t be so mean to the people who raised me from child to man.”

“What is the color of their hair that makes them so different from others?” I asked him in return. “Is it such an out of the ordinary for you?”

“Their hair is gold, just like their mother. Heh, before I took my rightful place as the chief, I found my one true love. Like I’ve said before with my children, people had said that she was infected with a disease, something they probably made up to scare me away. But you know what? I didn’t care. Whatever this ‘disease’ might’ve done to her, it did a pretty good job. She was a fair maiden, from my eyes, her blond hair moved with such elegance. I took her in as my wife and she made her end of her bargain and gave me two beautiful children.”

“You tell me much about your wife and children, but I’ve never seen them with my own eyes,” I diligently replied.

The chief smiled, his lips stretched as far as it could go. “In due time my dear friend, in due time.”

I’m guessing that the time is now, right? You probably want me to go as fast as I can before I miss my chance.

Gah, think Elise, think! If I was a girl who had a sibling and the whole house was burning down, where would I be? Was it too smart for them to run outside? How old were they exactly? I presumed that their brain hadn’t fully matured yet, so somewhat young. Maybe the chief had told them to hide somewhere, somewhere in the house, and wait for somebody to rescue them. “Oh, what was I thinking?” the chief wouldn’t think of a plan like that. I was getting too ahead of myself.

Or would he?

I didn’t know where I was anymore. Inside, everything looked the same, and I couldn’t afford to wait and think. The ceiling was starting to break down. The way I came from was now blocked. I started seeing the heat waves, it was already this hot? At the end of the hallway, I only had four choices left for me. Easily, I would be able to break out and get myself into the forest. The manor was one of the many houses that had its back embraced by the forest. If I was guessing correctly, I was near the end of the mansion. This was only a guess though, for all I knew, I might bring myself out and back to the burning village.

Four choices, so much could be done, but I had no way of turning back and it seemed that the fire would only let me pick one room. I looked down at my feet, almost forgetting my surroundings, and thought, “Elise, you have only one choice. It better be correct.”

But first, I needed information. I had used the Queen’s Flame, one of the only flames with a mind of its own. It will burn and melt through everything, but what it loved the most was flesh, preferably human flesh. However, the Krozamine Clan wasn’t human. It was still flesh either way, just like me. I noticed that the flames were gradually coming toward me as the other rest went pass me to head for four rooms. It was crawling by the side of the walls.

The Queen’s Flame was attracted to the flesh, so if I had looked carefully, where was the fire heading? The second to the left, that was where most of the flames seemed to be attracted to. It didn’t bother when it skipped the first room. That was where all my bets were going to.

Darting to the room, I slid the door open, although it was already opened with the rice paper gone from the fire. I stepped inside, eyes carefully searching. A closet, opened. Fires were heading toward it. And the final hint, a sudden wave of a sunflower hair. She must be there!

I rushed and raced against the fire which appeared to be ignoring my presence. Though this was a bad idea, I ripped the door open. I didn’t think I’d have the patience to just open it gently. Inside sat the two golden haired children, just like what the chief had said. I found the similarity from his daughter, whose eyes stabbed me in my black little heart. She delivered a low growl with an intimidating aura that would drive away even the most fearsome creature; however, there wasn’t time for me to be scared. I pushed myself toward her, picking her up and dashing out of the room. The Queen’s Flame followed me, it was quicker than usual.

This was the luxurious meal it had been waiting for, and I was taking it away from it. I would be mad too if my delicious dinner—that would be in my stomach soon—was being stolen right in front of my face. The end of the hall was in the right this time, and I made no sluggish kick to the wall. It broke, and it looked like it would just tumble down without me using force. With that, I saw the forest. It would be foolish of me to bring the Queen’s Flame to the forest. However, the Darkling of the Underworld would come soon and bring this flame back to its cage. I made haste with my escape. And it was even harder to run with two children on my arms. Oh, if only I could shoot fire until it died out. I would waste my entire clip on it.

I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. The girl was biting me! It had started bleeding. Although once I had gotten far enough for the flame to lose interest, the girl kept struggling. And jeez, her teeth hurt as if somebody was repeatedly stabbing an old wound of mine with a pickaxe! After having no more patience with her, I forcefully threw her on the ground, and let her brother down gently. The wound that she gave me healed in no time. “Look kid, I’m saving your life here!” I growled at her.

Yet like a beast, she made no reply and tried to attack me once more. I had to hold her down; she was probably at a stage where she thought everybody was an enemy. It was a survival instinct for the Krozamine Clan. Her brother, on the other hand, just stared at me with those gleaming blue eyes of his. For some reason, it felt so much better than the dagger reds from his sister. The girl was young, but she didn’t look like she was in her childhood stage. Her brother was, for sure. She was much different… ahh… what was her name? Oh, right, the chief never told me. He only praised them on how beautiful they were.

What about their mother? I didn’t see her in there with them.

Oh, but the chief only told me to save the children. Had his wife already died?

“What’s your name?” a sudden question. This was from the boy, his face looked eager to find out. What was up with him? Why was he so happy while his sister was in a rage? “My name’s Elliot!” he continued without hearing mine. Then he watched this sister, who was still being held down to the ground, and pointed at her. “Her name is Natasha. She’s a demon year older than me!” This girl was a hundred years older than him?

Somehow, hearing the cheery voice of her brother made her resistance stop. The girl blinked, and tears were formed. The moment I saw that, I went off of her. I sat down on the grass, somewhere a tad far from those two, and I gave my answer, “The name’s Elise Suzanne. I’m a friend of your father...”and the woman who destroyed your entire village.“I just happened to come here on a visit when I saw this whole place burning down.”

There I went with my lies; I just let it seep through my teeth without regret or anything. “He told me a lot about you two, although most of them were about how beautiful your hair was. I actually never met you two, and I never thought that I would meet you like in such a crisis like this.”

“Our father is kind!” the boy randomly shouted.

“Yes,” I couldn’t help but to smile at his thick-headedness. “I know that.”

The daughter refused to say anything, she only watched her brother as he happily conversed with me while his village was burning in the background. We were far, I ran fast, but the light of the fire was visible even from here. I wondered, “Was he talking to me in this tone so that he could hide the depressed side of him?” Surely, some part of him should be crying—like how some part of me should be regretting.

It was nice to talk, but I needed to move. I needed to be back on my ship. I needed to talk, but not to these two. “Come,” I said, “we better get moving.”

Elliot—that was his name, correct?—nodded, not knowing what I probably meant, and stood up. I walked a few steps before looking back. He was pulling his sister up, saying, “Let’s go with the nice lady, Natasha.”

It almost looked like it was a reverse role of older and younger siblings. However, Natasha was mature; she did care for her brother. To her, the boy was already in my grasp and somehow trusted me. And she wouldn’t want him to be alone with me no matter what. So Natasha had no choice, she had to follow.


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User avatar
Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:02 am
youngwriter says...



Ikerot,

To start, wow! The descriptions and the thoughts were spot on, I could imagine being there with Elise! The fact that she started the fire makes me want to read more and draws me in, i'm hooked!! It brings in a twist to the story and leaves you asking so many questions! It's an original storyline, I love how you describe the hair of the kids as well!:)

However, when you were choosing the door, the thoughts were a bit annoying, analyzing everything. It would have been better if the choice was a bit more spontaneous!:)

Also, some of your grammar was a bit off, for example:
[i] ...My eyes and dilating my pupil's [i/]
No need for an apostrophe, because were talking about more than one thing, and the pupils arent possessive.

All in all, it was a fantastic story that had me glued to the page! :Dx




User avatar
Tue May 15, 2012 6:03 pm
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Shearwater says...



Hey there, Ikerot!

Sorry for being a tad late to the party but as promised, here's another review for the revised version of this first chapter.

Firstly, I want to start off with a few positive notes. I actually really love how you slowed down the pace and gave more imagery and information regarding the action and even dug into the protagonist's mind a little which was nice to see her conflict with herself over what to do and what not to do. I really enjoy this much more than the previous version because it's not jam-packed with too much information and we get a sense of calmness after the storm, which would be the burning village.

That said, I really don't have much to say about this. I know that there are a few grammatical errors that I'm sure you'd catch yourself if you were to look at this backwards or something. Just things like forgetting to capitalize a sentence and such and such. Nothing a quick look over won't fix.

There are some parts though, that I still think you can work on. Although I mentioned that I liked hearing Elisa's thoughts, I didn't like how she made her decisions. They were too...solid. Black and white. This or that. Her reasoning in some areas were annoying, like when she asked herself questions about the old man or what to do with the kids, it was kind of a weird way of thinking.

Other than that, I don't have much else to add. I can see your improvement and I also noticed, almost instantly, that you had taken away the speed and slowed it down which actually made me really happy because now I can follow the story without being confused.

Keep up the great work and let me know if you need anything else or if you have questions.

All the best,
-Pink




User avatar
Fri May 04, 2012 10:32 pm
ShadowVyper says...



Hey Ikerot!
Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I got sick. :(

"I looked at him in pity, then it would countered back at me."~ 'would countered' is dealing with two different tenses.

"when something suddenly surprisingly grabbed my ankle."~ 'suddenly surprisingly' is a bit awkward, maybe add a few linking words.

"I wasn’t about to have another carve into my brain."~ Just a typo 'carved'.

"This was only a guess though, for all I care, I might bring myself out and back to the burning village."~ Did you mean 'care' or 'knew'?

"Was he talking to me in this tone so that he could hide the depressing side of him?"~ I'm not sure that 'the depressing side of him' is grammatically correct...

But your story was REALLY good! I liked it alot.

I liked how you described the kids' hair.




User avatar
Sun Apr 29, 2012 5:15 am
MiaParamore says...



Hey, Ikerot.

Thanks for requesting and I'm glad to be reviewing you. :wink: I hope I'll be helpful.

My eyes blinked, almost tearing up by the smoke that came over, blown by disaster-made wind, to choke me


My mind had decided, and I forced myself into the heart of the village—about six or ten dead as I passed them.
When you mention dead you're talking of the villagers, right? So make it clear, because you just talk of six or ten dead out of nowhere.

This wasn’t something I could travel back in time and stop myself; this was a mistake I had to bear.
This sentence reads odd-just check the structure.

Turning on my heels, I was about to head toward the chief’s mansion, to the east, when something suddenly surprisingly grabbed my ankle, I turned back, shock surging through my brain.
This all should be a single sentence. At the most, you could shorten it up. But the 'when something' has to be in the first sentence.


I’d better hurry.
This sentence is her thought, so italicize it.

I should leave the guest room and not take the closet’s door.
These are her thoughts and need to be italicized.

“Their hair is gold, just like their mother. Heh, before I took my rightful place as the chief, I was found my one true love.


Inside sat the two golden haired children, just like what the chief had said.


Did his wife already died?
With 'did' we use the first form of verb. For example: I didn't die that night. OR. Did you sleep well?

“What’s your name?” a suddenly question.
Alright, so 'suddenly question' is improper. It has to be a 'sudden question'.

Somehow, hearing the cheery voice of her brother made her resistant resistance stop.


The daughter refused to say anything, she only watched her brother as he happily conversed with me while his village was burning in the background.
It is past tense that you're following.

When you introduce the chief, he seems ghostly. I'll explain how. I don't mean literally, but he just comes out of blue. You don't describe his looks, where he stands, what's he doing at the point. So int hat sense, he's just a ghost-I can't picture him. You have to create a picture of each and every scene. Sometimes, while reading this scene it felt that the chief wasn't present in actual but was just a figment of Elise's imagination-he was in her head. But I am sure that wasn't the case, so you have to create him, make us feel his *presence*. He's there, he's doing something and his face has melange of emotions. Show them. :wink:

I think that this shouldn't be a prologue, like Pink said. I can also see that there are many parts to this prologue. Well, to be honest, a prologue can't have too many parts which are of this big length. When we talk of a prologue, it's mostly a snippet from the novel, or a short, crisp introduction to the novel. You can't have text worth three chapters and call it a prologue.

So, following on that point I'd like to say that this didn't read like a prologue. You might be planning a different plot or setting in the main novel, but still this is too long for a prologue. Besides that, there's too much of matter in here which the prologues normally don't have. If you want this to be different from the main novel, you could always call it 'Part-1' and start the part-2 where you would have liked to start your novel as per the current planning. That's the only way to do justice to the novel. You seriously can't have a prologue this long with so much going on. I'd advice you to search up Prologues on Net and how you can write it, its techniques, etc. It's going to help you for future or you could even edit this up accordingly.

I would agree with Italian in saying that you should include more of descriptions. You know fire is such a beautiful hing(not literally) in terms of imagery. It's beautiful, has a wonderful blend of colours and is symbolic-so there's so much you could write for it. Play with the words and describe the fire. Plus, you could also describe the chief a bit more, the surroundings. Moreover, there has been a fire and so many people are dead. That calls for more description-of corpses lying around.

The major problem is your grammar. You have a problem with sentence structure. Sometimes, the sentences didn't read right. I can't really help you with it as I am not able to diagnose the exact problem, but I know the parts where you've gone wrong. You could ask some other reviewer to check up and review your grammar specifically. You had run on sentences, then you were confused with different forms of a word. For example, you used suddenly in one of the sentences when you needed to use 'sudden'. So there are many words which have different forms and you need to familiarize yourself with their meanings and uses. Right now, I can only advise you to read as much as you can. Reading good fiction and writing would help you in your sentence structuring and descriptions.

All the Good Things:

I might be coming across as a harsh, arrogant reviewer but believe me, I genuinely want to help you out. When I say all those negative things, I don't say that this is hopeless or you don't have that skill in you. Not at all. In fact, there were some amazing things you had in there and I'd like to appreciate you for that. :wink:

First of all, I have to applaud you for writing so many action scenes. They may not have been perfect but I could sense that you had put in a lot of hard work into them, and with little polishing they are going to turn out great. You might need to use more of 'action words' to make them more interesting.

Secondly, the story idea is good. I like your character-she's not that sappy, all sugary good kind of MCs we get to read of these days. So, you get a full ten on that. There were times when it was hard to understand her character, but I guess that was the whole point.

Besides this, I also like to idea of creating a new tribe which is not of humans. With this, you have a lot of scope of giving your characters different, unique personalities, create their history, give them magical powers, special gifts, etc. These kind of things always thrill me in a fantasy and I'd love to read more. Also, is this going to be another planet? :wink: If so, it's going to be even more fun.

Overall, it's not bad but not also in its best shape. You need to edit it a lot and seriously think of converting it into a chapter-1. If you need any kind of help, please feel free to PM me. I'd love to help you out.

I hope this helps.

~Mia




User avatar
Mon Apr 23, 2012 3:27 am
Shearwater says...



Hey there!

Sorry it took a while to get to this, just have to plow through that list...
Anyway, I'm here so let's take a look at this prologue!

The village cried to me to put it out of misery, however, I could not undo this nor could I stop it.

Most people don't know how to correctly punctuate the word "however" so don't feel bad. When you're using however in a sentence, you can't just add a comma before and after it. The correct punctuation depends on whether or not it's interrupting or connecting two sentences.
Ex interrupting: Phones, however, don't work for me.
Ex Connecting: Phones don't work for me; however, I'm learning how to use them properly.
^You can replace the semicolon with a period if you want. It's all up to preference on that but if you have an interrupting 'however' then you can us commas.
Your sentence I don't think is interrupting so a semicolon or period should be used.

my eyes and dilating my pupil's

Remember what the 's is -> possessive.
So this should just be pupils to define that it's plural.
Save them I beg of you.” For some reason, there was a large cut on his back; it might be the reason why he was in this state.

You have too many ellipses. Don't overdo them, they will lose their dramatic tone.

The average height of their race was 5’’6,

Correct way to punctuate height would be 5'6". :)

---

So, I didn't go through too many nitpicks, I find those annoying but I did give you some little pointers so hopefully that helps. Now, for the overall...

Firstly, I found this prologue a little hard to follow. That is for a couple different reasons. You had a lot of short clipped sentences that I found kind of difficult to keep my attention with because you were jumping from one action event to another in a quick, rapid pace. I usually like rapid but there are some times in which you kind of have to take a breather and explain the setting, background, imagery and all that good stuff.

Also, since you have a lot of different characters, you kind of have to go even slower. Don't jump around too much. I want to know about everyone and what they're feeling after all of that has taken place including some background information. I know that you said that this is supposed to be confusing because you're going to go ahead and explain the events/reasons in later chapters but remember not to confuse your readers in the beginning too much. Mystery provokes more curiosity than confusion does.

Also, I know that the little girl is special but you kind of had this repetitive thing going with her and constantly reminded us that she is, indeed, special. But after you mention it, more likely than so, the readers will remember that because it stands out - however if you keep telling them, it just gets annoying. Sorry if that sounded harsh in any way, not trying to come off as that at all! D:

One thing I do want to mention about your character though is that I like her attitude. She's sarcastic in some places, bad and demonic in other and gives off a very interesting sense of strength and I love strong characters, they rock my socks so I have big hopes for this person but hopefully she's not a completely terrible antagonist in the end. :c

Overall, I think this prologue works better as a first chapter. I think it has a lot of conflict and characters and interesting places and landmarks and all that stuff that it needs to be slower so you can also take some time to explain this 'world' to us while you introduce new things.

Anyway, I hope this review helped. I had a lot of different thoughts on this but for some reason, they're kind of jumbled up in this review, methinks. Let me know if you have any further questions, you know where to find me. ;)

-Pink




User avatar
Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:55 pm
Monotone56 says...



The village cried to me to put it out of misery, however, I could not undo this nor could I stop it. It was far too late. It was already over for them. Fires raged upon the roofs, brightened my eyes, and dilating my pupil's. The section<-- might wanna nix that. as it sits now, it's quite confusing. I was in neatly placed houses symmetrically. Each of them was made out of woods and hays,(No "s" on the back end of those.) such a perfect ingredient for flames. I began forcing my feet into the deeper part of the village(<--- slightly wierd wording there. Might want to consider a re-write.—about six or ten dead as I passed them. This wasn’t something I could go back in time, this was a mistake I couldn’t bear to live with. The destruction of an entire race!

“Elise… please…” the man coughed, pleading me. It was the chief.

Ah… I forgot, to these people, I was just a visitor to them. I guess… I had to do what needed to be done. Crouching over the chief, I listened to his final resting words. The smell of burnt corpse flowed into my nose.

He was on the ground, his last piece of life pushing toward his words. “Within my mansion lie my two precious children. We may be done for, but those two have my genes, my heritage! They will be my future. Save them… I beg of you.” For some reason, there was a large cut on his back; it might be the reason why he was in this state.

At least I’ll fulfill his last wish for him. I turned and stood up to head to the chief’s home. Then, he used his remaining strength to grab a hold of my ankle with his charcoal hands and warned, “I have an older daughter and a young son. I don’t care what you do to the boy, he is my son; he can handle it, but whatever you do, don’t let my daughter spread her wings.”

Don’t let her spread her wings.

Though it was made out of rice paper, I kicked down the door, With the door opened, I searched for these two children, not knowing if they were alive or already burned to a crisp. Ashes flew onto my skin as I wiped it off with ease. (Not Sure What you mean there.)Maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. The beacon crashed. One way was blocked, but where were those children? Has the chief deceived me? Did he bring me here to die? No, he knew who I was. Piles of burnt wood weren’t going to kill me. They might as well stab my heart with a wooden stake.

The heat, the air, at this moment, was too much for a human. If I was one, I would be dropping dead on the ground from the poisonous oxygen. Though it was hard to breath at the moment, I had another cough come out.

Just when I was about to leave for good, I noticed a slightly open closet door inside the chief’s room. Fire hasn’t gotten to that part yet, and it looked like it was taking its time. Ambling ( a relaxing stroll while inside a burning building strikes me as slightly odd.) toward it, I slid it open. Inside sat the two golden children, the complete opposite of what their clan, or race, was. The similarity that I could figure out was that fiery glare stabbing at my veins. It wasn’t from the chief’s son, it was from her. She delivered a low growl with an intimidating aura that would drive away even the most fearsome creature. however, there wasn’t time for me to settle down and get to know her, I pushed myself to her(?), picking her up and dashing out. On the way out, I felt the strong jaw of the daughter on my shoulder.O_o eep. I've actually heard of similar reactions to firemen. Although, not to the point where they bite said firemen. It bled. Although I made it out and my wounds healed fast, the girl kept struggling.

“Look kid, I’m saving your life here!” I tried to stop her.

Yet like a beast, she made no reply and continued. Her brother, on the other hand, was asleep the moment I left the village. Only a few steps back, I hoped my arms didn’t give in on me. After I gotten out of the village and to the forest, I stopped in front of my destination for some heavy inhales. Slowly and kindly, I let the two siblings out of my grip and began stretching. “Kallen!” I called. “Come here and bring these kids in.”

Out came the android,Robots... I didn't see that coming O_o) she blankly stared at me, receiving my orders, then moved to the siblings to drop them off on the ship. After that, she went back out to the doorway of the ship and sat on the steps. “According to the monitor, we have approximately three earth hours left before the fire spread to this forest and thirty earth minutes left before the Hexus comes and claim the souls of the lost.”


“Yes, I know that, I rescued you guys,” I replied to the boy. “Tell me, how old are you?”
“I’m a demon years old! Natasha is one demon year older than me!” (I'm not sure I understand this. This sentence could perhaps use another look.

Should I be cruel and kill these children before they were ripe? (??) Or should I spend my seventeen demon years (What's a demon year?) raising them? Such a difficult decision, it almost made me want to put a chip inside Kallen that let her chose for me.


(It's an interesting premise, but a little more description of the environments would be nice. Especially with the first part. Several of the sentences were a little difficult to understand, and would do well with a bit of editing/polishing.Might want to consider use Italics with internal thoughts. TO help avoid un-due confusion. I also had a bit of trouble realizing scene changes, so a more obvious scene change would help with that. It's a good idea overall though, Keep up the good work!




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Mon Apr 16, 2012 5:34 am
LouisCypher says...



Greetings.
I'm here, as promised.
Let me start by saying yours is an interesting story idea, and I'll be interested in reading more.
I'ts good that the prologue kicks you right in, it's a good start.
However, there wasn't much description. None at all, really. Maybe just a few words in a couple of paragraphs, if only to set the scene better. Sensory input would also be a good idea- if the village has just burned down, the smell of smoke would still be lingering, ashes might even be falling gently from the sky.
The spaceship is another enigma. I am left with no impression on how it's shaped, not even the vaguest glimmer of description.
What I also find hard to grasp is, if the character is a bounty hunter, and has just eliminated this clan, she would be much more cold-hearted, or at least she wouldn't have these internal debates with herself. Or, of course, you created this insecure bounty hunter for a reason, which I find much more plausible.
Also, I found the time-skip particularly confusing. Maybe a few more words on how time had passed, perhaps describing how the two children had annoyed the bounty hunter or whatever.
So basically, description is the key element that's lacking here.
Hope this helped,
yours truly