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Young Writers Society



Mentors and Heroes (working on the title)

by Caesar


Chapter One

Godric ducked under the blow that would have knocked him unconscious. He stepped forward and struck, his staff hooking the opponent’s, and pulled, making the orphan stumble forward.

Godric finished the kid with a furious rap to the side of the boy’s temple, cringing slightly as his eyes crossed and he tumbled down onto the unforgiving stone pavement of the orphanage courtyard.

He had little choice in the matter, really. He had to show the wardens he was a good fighter, else he wasn’t going to be picked, and he’d be stuck in this infernal orphanage for another year. He wouldn’t be able to bear it. It wasn’t that the orphanage was an unpleasant place, not as such. The orphans were instructed; they had a room to themselves equipped with running water and even a small TV, but mostly what they did was fight.

They fought because this was the purpose of this orphanage: to train the boys and girls, the oldest no more than fourteen, in the art of combat, and –to those who had the gift- magic. Each year, rich sponsors would arrive and watch the orphans show off their skills. If they pleased the sponsors, they would take some in and train them. That was Godric’s ambition. He desperately yearned to get a glimpse of the outside world- to be a hero, like those he saw on TV or he read in books.

“Godric. I see this one was no match for you either” boomed Shilda, a corpulent female warden, one of the nicer ones. “Keep it up, and I’m sure you’ll be chosen this time”

Godric’s opponent, a boy by the name of Jeremy, stood up, massaging his temple. His blond hair was matted with blood on the side where Godric had struck.

“Sorry” apologized Godric, though he didn’t mean it. Not really. He found it hard to sympathize with the others, save one. They were a flat, grey mass, undistinguished, without any particular qualities.

Jeremy frowned, but said nothing.

The two, pushed lightly along by Shilda, joined the group of eighteen orphans, standing in a circle in the middle of the courtyard, watching the last two couple fight.

The one currently doing the attacking was a beefy boy whose name Godric couldn’t quite remember. He was sweating, and his face was red with exertion.

The one defending was the only other orphan Godric cared about- Cassandra.

She dodged and twirled with innate grace, platinum blond hair flying in all directions.

Cassandra parried the boy’s increasingly frustrated thrust and jabs effortlessly, but she never struck a blow.

“Cassandra, we’re hungry. Finish it already!” called out someone, jokingly.

Cassandra seemed repulsed by the idea of striking another person- she never attacked, but then again, no one could lay a finger on her. Therefore, matches against here lasted quite some time.

After a couple of minutes or so of this, Cassandra stopped, backing away as the boy’s chest heaving.

She seemed inspired, face suffused by a soft radiance.

Godric recognized moments like these, and his eyes narrowed. He stared at Cassandra intently.

Cassandra, as if possessed, extended a palm in the air, and she was enveloped in a golden, glowing light. Shimmering mist trailed from her fingers, and she frowned in concentration.

Godric found himself awaiting the results eagerly- Cassandra had never managed to further her magical trance after this stage.

He felt something stir in his gut, a strange, sour feeling seize hold of his heart.

It was quenched, though, as Cassandra’s trance broke, and with a flash, the boy dropped to the ground gently.

“Finally” grumbled a few of the orphans.

“All right, now that we’ve all finished, let’s have some lunch” called Shilda.

The orphans were cheerfully herded into the mess hall, the largest area in the orphanage, which connected with the inner courtyard, the garden, and had stairs leading up to the children’s rooms.

They filed in line, dutifully waiting for their lunch. Ringlets of smoke flitted about the ancient oak rafters, contributing to the mysterious feeling the hall had.

Godric waited behind Cassandra, who seemed worried.

As always, Godric knew what was troubling her.

“You were close back there” he said, quietly.

Cassandra nodded, distractedly.

“What did it feel like?” asked Godric, unable to contain himself. “Good, right? Magic feels good”

Cassandra’s iridescent blue eyes clouded.

“Godric-” she began.

“You know bad things happen when I use it” hissed Godric, fiercely. “Tell me”

“No” said Cassandra, voice dangerously close to breaking. “L-later, okay?”

“I’m sorry” said Godric. This time, he meant it. “I didn’t want to push you”

Cassandra was silent.

They took the plain steel trays the cooks gave them and headed toward the long oak table where all the orphans sat, talking merrily.

The two sat at the very end, near the window looking out at the dismal, leaf-strewn garden. An unfelt breeze stirred the leaves melancholically.

It was another soup, realized Godric, dimly, as he brought the spoon to his mouth. Lukewarm, same as the past week. How inventive of the cooks. At least the slice of thick bread accompanying it was warm.

“Well?” muttered Godric.

“Not here” was Cassandra’s answer. “Let’s go to the garden later”

The orphans, it being Sunday, had the rest of the day to themselves after lunch. Godric and Cassandra had their own hidden hideaway where they spent most of their free time.

While around them the others joked and laughed, a bubble of tense silence covered the two.

Godric finished quickly, and gazed at Cassandra, until, uncomfortable under scrutiny, she dropped her spoon back into her half-eaten bowl and stood abruptly.

They stood and walked back towards the counter, Cassandra keenly aware of the eyes following them.

The two deposited their trays and hurried out.


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Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:08 pm
BradenPowell wrote a review...



1. The introduction was really intruiging. The fight scene made me instantly want to know more. The way that you went straight from there into the purpose of the orphanage, then to include magic was, in my opinion, really well done.

2.Probably just my personal preferance, but it was a tad hard on my eyes as it looked like a solid slock of text. Extra space between dialogue might have been nice. Maybe I'm just tired, though.

3. I love the charater builds. The way they have different weaknesses to make them more relateable is brilliant.

All in all a brilliant story. Great job!




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Thu Apr 05, 2012 7:58 am
Threnody wrote a review...



Hello! Overall, I believe your style was very consistent and you showed evident mastery of literary technique. However, there were a few things I noticed that I thought should be reconsidered.

1. Description

I thought that, in some sense of the word, your descriptions were done proficiently. You seem to have invested a lot of description to support your dialogue, and while this idea is well founded, you have not given enough thought into defining the setting of your story. You use visual imagery very well, but I think that if you employed audio, olfactory, and tactile imagery as well, you could really improve the impression that readers take from what you describe.

2. Characterisation

I was instantly drawn in by your character Godric, however, I felt as if Cassandra and some of the background characters and not being given enough depth. Actually, Godric lacks a bit of dimension as well. Your character's, once again I've noticed, seem to rely almost entirely on their dialogue to give them personality. Though your dialogue is good, I don't know if it's enough for your characters to stand on. I think that you should focus on the design of your character outside of speaking. For example, let the reader in on some of their thoughts and feelings. I did like the way you supported them with information from the past, but I still feel as if your characters are flat and scripted, not truly deep.

3. Pacing

As for your pacing, I thought you brought a lot to the table. However, you did not develop the dynamics of the orphanage, the orphans situation, or the supporting characters as well as I would have liked. In fact, your pacing was extremely fast and mildly frantic, leaving some of your ideas slightly half-baked and a bit two dimensional. Keep in mind that your first chapter must draw a reader in a entice them by presenting to them something that engages them and entertains as well as inspires thought. Your battle sequences and your description of magic were very good, though I felt a general disconnect between the action and the characters performing them. Again, to create a flow, you should further develop the characters as suggested above so that their interaction with their surroundings does not feel staged.

In conclusion, I thought this was very good. You're style is very clean and precise. However what you need to keep in mind is that your readers cannot read your thoughts and do not know how you picture your characters to be like. You need to translate a deeper more dynamic sense of presence for both you characters and the setting. By doing this you create a more engaging and deep story that really draws a reader in and holds their attention.In all this is a very good foundation and I have the utmost confidence in your writing to want to read more.

Threnody




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Thu Apr 05, 2012 7:22 am
LowKey wrote a review...



Definitely an interesting concept! It's looking pretty well polished and refined as far as writing style goes, so kudos for that. It was a very smooth read, allowed the reader to get lost in the story and wrapped up in the characters. You made a good use of your first chapter. Packed it full of information without turning it into an information dump. I'm intrigued by the relationship between Cassandra and Godric. You can tell they used to be close, even without you mentioning their friendship. Still, it's clear Cassandra feels uncomfortable around him now. I find it interesting how Cassandra has become more hesitant with her power, more shy and wary of it, while Godric seems almost hungry for more. Wonder how that will come into play later?

I'm curious about the tattoos -- are they birthmarks, or actually tattoos? If the latter, how do they work? When did they get them? Did they choose which side it would be on and the color? I'm intrigued to learn more.

Same with the orphanage. At first I was thinking fantasy world, but the mention of TV through me off. I'm guessing still a fantasy world, but it's an interesting switch. I've seen magic and old times, and science and future, but never magic and technology mixed like that. How exactly does the orphanage work? Are the kids taken away from their parents at birth if they show certain potential, or what exactly happens?

I'm sure you'll address these questions in future chapters. ^^ Just so we're clear that I'm not railing on you to answer them in this one. I am interested in finding out the answers, though.

Cheers!




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Thu Apr 05, 2012 4:23 am
GoldenQuill wrote a review...



Hay there, Zly/Golden/Aushy here to review!

First chapter, eh? Trust me, the beginning is always the hardest. I rewrote the first chapter of every book I've ever written at least nine times! It's so difficult to start out, but it definitely gets easier the longer it goes on.

You've really got some good foundation here for your book to flourish. Like everything, however, there's always room for improvement!

Here's a quick rubric of how I'll be doing this review.

I. Nitpicky.
a. Dialogue
b. Semicolons/Dashes
II. Structure
a. Word play
b. Mystery
c. Show. Don't tell.
d. Cliff hangers
III. Closing Notes

I

A.
First I'll want to remind you of how dialogue works. The same rules that apply to sentences apply to dialogue. When you're mentioning that someone said something, and end it with, for example, 'said Lucy,' you need to put a comma inside the quotation marks.

For example: "We need to get going," said Lucy.

Unless they're asking a question or exclaiming, if you're noting that they 'said', you MUST put a comma.

Correct
"We need to get going," said Lucy.
"We need to get going?" said Lucy.
"We need to get going!" said Lucy.

Incorrect
"We need to get going." said Lucy.
"We need to get going" said Lucy.

Keep this in mind, it's super important!

B.
Semi-colons and dashes are a fun way to avoid using that oh-so-boring word 'and'; when used correctly, of course.

You seem to know where to put semi-colons/dashes. You just don't have the structure. Dashes are one of the most confusing things writers worry about, because dashes both bring words together and separate them.

For example, above, I used 'oh-so-perfect'. I used one dash between each word to combine it as a single adjective. This is also used in Mr. Know-It-All or the I-know-what-you're-doing smile. It's not necessary, but it's fun and lighthearted.

The second dash is the double dash. Where a normal dash is -, a double dash is --. It gives it, obviously, a longer effect, and differentiates between the two. A double dash can be used in one of two ways. It can be used as a replacement of a comma'd section, or as a replacement of a semi-colon.

Comma:
•In fact, there were such worlds he never saw, not even in a dream, and he marveled.
•In fact, there were such worlds he never saw--not even in a dream--and he marveled.

Semi-colon:
•She kissed him on the mouth; he jumped in glee.
•She kissed him on the mouth--he jumped in glee.

What's the difference?
Nothing! It only depends on how you want it to look.

A single dash space, as you have been doing all this chapter, does not exist.

II.

A.
Wordplay is arguably the most important thing in your story. Without a beautiful, descriptive writing style, you're absolutely nothing.
You happen to have a nice writing style; it only needs to be touched up. Reading your first few sentences, it took me a moment to realize you were having a battle. That isn't what you want your readers to see. Choose harsher, quicker words: ripped is harsher than took, tore is harsher than opened, etc. Though your language is good, it's far too calm for this kind of setting... y'know? Make everything quicker. Read it aloud and see how it sounds. Get my heart racing at your epic battle!

B.
Why do readers keep reading after they've been intrigued? The mystery! Not giving everything away. Unfortunately, you have. It makes readers not care. We now know everything about Godric. His life ambition. What he's good and bad at. What he cares about. What his personality is like. Booo-ring. The readers know it all now, and there's no reason to care. Try to take some out. Give me mystery!

C.
Showing and telling. The difference between these will take you from, "Eh, that's okay," to, "Wow! Amazing!"
You said your MC, Godric, cares for Cassandra.
... And?
I don't want to hear he cares. Show me! Does he wait for her to finish fighting? Does he tickle her when she's not looking? Does he stare at her longingly? Hold her? Laugh with her? Refuse to leave? Show me how he cares. Don't tell me!
This is a reoccuring problem. You need to differentiate in the future chapters!

D.
C'mon. Really? You're a good writer. You don't need this lesson! You had a good little hook in this chapter; her explaining the sensation of magic. You could end it so much better. Have him anxiously following her. Eagerly thinking. You can do it! :}

III.
You're quite good. You use many literary devices; metaphors, similes, alliteration... you don't, however, have my attention. Sorry. Use stronger, bigger words, and hook your reader in with less telling and more showing. It's best for us all!

Keep writing please! Message me if you ever want anything reviewed again. :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy






Whoa, that's a lot to keep in mind. Modifications will be applied as necessary



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Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:59 pm
TaylorLove says...



Nice. The story really draws you in. I do not have anything bad to say really. :) I really like the characters you put in the story to. Godric is a great male lead. I am ready for the second chapter. Oh and great job describing everything all the way to the lights. Made some get pictures in my head.




TaylorLove says...


Ohhh I hear chapter two is coming out tomorrow. I can not wait ahhhhhhhhhhhh



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Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:08 pm
liagiba wrote a review...



this is really good :) The grammar is all good and the story is interesting. The idea about the children fighting in the orphanage is original and slightly hunger gamesish. I love it :)




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Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:08 pm
liagiba wrote a review...



this is really good Lumi. :) The grammar is all good and the story is interesting. The idea about the children fighting in the orphanage is original and slightly hunger gamesish. I love it :)




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Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:43 pm



Godric**** my bad




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Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:41 pm



WOW!!!! That was really cool. This is one of those stories that made me think. I think you should tell more about why Godic wants to know about magic and wants to get out of the orphanage. I think it would be cool to add in some of his other tries to use magic. I think that would be cool.

In the beginning, I think you need to set the scene a little more. I love the opening sentence though. I got a little confused. I did not really understand that part till later. I really liked this story and the idea. I can not wait for chapter 2. :)






Godric**** my bad



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Wed Apr 04, 2012 6:03 pm
shadowlee wrote a review...



this Is so good. Can't wait for the next part.





Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley