Hey! It's me Al for a Quick Critique! For more information on my reviews, pay a visit to my Clinic down below in my signature; be sure to recommend it to your friends! Anyways, after all that advertising and whatnot, lemme hit you with a quality review! I'll only give tidbits, though, since this is only the first chapter of your work
CONCEPT & THEME:
Wow! Like, this is one of the best Sci-Fi chapters I’ve ever read! The concept was a bit cliché—post-apocalyptic, spatial adventure, regaining-hope, but the way the story was told was unique. Unlike most Sci-Fi’s that are very technical and science-y, this piece is written in a way a suburban tall tale is written. IOW, this piece is relatable, despite the fact it is futuristic. Great work on that. Also, I’m quite thrilled by the happenings in this chapter; all the culture needs explanation and thus this leaves a lot of questions to the readers!
CHARACTERS & SETTINGS:
I love your characters. They seem nice. I think this will be a bit of a problem; no character should be tagged as ‘seem’. I believe that the piece lacks a bit of description for the characters. I can’t imagine most of them, so remember to describe them, even by a bit. This is a sci-fi, so people can’t wholly imagine everything, ‘cause everything is new! Also your settings; the first settings were great, but you forgot expanding their descriptions. For example, the mountains. What does Kitt Peak look like? Always remember that everything sci-fi is new to the reader, the people’s culture, the places, so always explain, define and describe!
TECHNICALITIES:
There are 22 things I want you to check upon I’ll have everything in You/I Say mode, ‘kay?
You say: “Just finishing the white wall. We still have to take an arc lamp and a empty sky, but we should be good after that.”
I say: The ‘a’ should be ‘an’
You say: “I have all the info for the galaxies in here.”
I say: To the average reader, the sentence would be perceived as “I have all the info to the galaxies in here.” Try to use ‘about’ or the like words in place of for.
You say: He pressed a few buttons, and outside, the giant telescope whirred to life.
I say: The connection between the two clauses is a bit weak. There is no exact image that appeared between the two scenes. Try “He pressed a few buttons, opening a latch outside where a gargantuan telescope whirred to life.” This can give a bit more scene into this scenario
You say: being careful to close the control room door before walking into the telescope room
I say: Being careful is a misleading phrase. Instead, use a word to describe the action being done, not the ones doing it. Example: “We carefully closed the door of the control room before heading to the telescope room.”
You say: The temperature out here had to be constant, or our images could come out distorted
I say: I think the word ‘here’ is not a good term since the ones you are talking to are not there with the characters so ‘there’ would work wonders
You say: It was basically just a concrete slab sticking off the side of the Bok Telescope
I say: The term ‘jus’ is very misleading. Delete it unless it makes an impact to the idea of the sentence. And also, you already used ‘basically’ and it is much better than ‘just’.
You say: Plus it had the Bok Walk.
I say: Comma please! Between plus and it!
You say: no, wait. Tucson was there before World War Three
I say: Another comma! Delete the period and replace!
You say: It wasn’t pretty, but it kept it dark up here.
I say: I think this is a very confusing sentence. What is ‘it’? The pronoun can only refer to one term per sentence, mind you. And it seems that ‘it’ is quite overused here, so the idea gets cloudy. What wasn’t pretty and what kept the what dark up there? Simply replace one of the it with the term it replaces to add clarity.
You say: I had been born on Mount Graham, another science hotspot, before the big fire there.
I say: Only use ‘had’ when another action in past tense is done in the sentence after your first verb. Try ‘have’ instead.
You say: (I had been four at the time)
I say: The usage of ‘had’ is misleading here, too. Also, the parenthetical is very dramatic, why not type it in another sentence. Just a suggestion
You say: “The stars are very scintillating tonight,” I observed.
I say: This sentence and the paragraphs succeeding it can be a new section since the preceding lines are loosely connected with this scene.
You say: “And they call themselves servants of God,” Emmy would complain. “Does it get any more backward?!” Hence their other nickname, “the God Squad.”
I say: A new paragraph for this dialogue!
You say: “Yeah, the sun’s up, remember?” I chuckled
I say: Another dialogue, another paragraph
You say: leveling my eyes with her arm
I say: This is fine with me, but using ‘finger’ instead of ‘arm’ adds a lot of clarity.
You say: We need to get a telescope on that thing
I say: In an average sense, this would mean getting a telescope to literally be on that thing. I think you’re meaning a telescope to focus on that thing, so delete ‘on’ and use another term or phrase. Better, change the structure of the sentence. Try “We need to see that thing through a telescope” or some others.
You say: being careful not to trip over any wires
I say: Misleading ‘being careful’ phrase here. How about “carefully skipping over the wires to avoid tripping” I know my sentence is not good, but you can make a basis from it
You say: moving John out of the way
I say: ‘Moving’ is a very general word. Try another action with the same imagery for this phrase.
There are a lot of techs here, but it would take a lot of time to find them! The piece is already good without change! The storytelling was very fluent! I really love it! These are just my suggestions if you plan to edit the piece
IMAGERY:
As I’ve mentioned a while ago, a bit more description for the characters and settings can add a LOT of imagery. As for the sentences, the imagery is fine enough, but more adjectives the better!
OVERALL:
This is one of the best pieces I’ve read in terms of novels! I really love your work! It seems very innocent but futuristic. You fashion for words work wonders! The story opens up greatly! Just a little fixing and this can be a grand opening for the rest of the chapters!
Keep writing! And good luck!
Your Quick Critic,
Al
Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
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