z

Young Writers Society



Discord Gear

by oNegativeZero


Sam what are you made of stone, steel, a sponge for no emotion?

What?

How can you not cry after seeing that movie?

I don't know Kayla, I just...

C’mon shut up, you know the day I see you cry for anything will be the day I die.

Wow morbid much?

What? Ok, alright, a bit extreme?

Yeah just a bit.

Well then show me that you’re the teddy bear your friends keep teasing you about. What?

It’s nothing it’s just your laugh it’s...

It’s what? Is my laugh annoying?

No no it’s just, it’s perfect.

Four years later:

A broken mirror, a slinky and a Rubik's Cube. Nothing else, never will, not a change. A search, a game played on luck and keen insight. This routine this life of going through another person’s stuff is almost second nature now as it’s the only way to win.

“Smells like death in here.”

I speak quietly and usually keep to myself. At times I’ve been known to be a bit cocky, arrogant even. Traits that before would alienate others but now, now they have their uses.

“Maybe the owners started eating rats or something.”

Thinking out loud keeps me sane, keeps me from being someone else or something that I’m not.

I got up from the closet I was searching to let out a sigh, “Crap.”

The bedroom could’ve passed as a junkyard even before I arrived.

Standing still, I stopped what I was doing for a moment to listen to the wind through the broken glass. The unique whistle it makes creates a sense of dread reminding me that life will always be this, always alone. I shook my head. I couldn’t be distracted. I had already searched the gun cabinet, the drawers and the connecting bathroom.

“Maybe,” I circled the bed then got on the ground along with the clutter, “under here?”

The space looked impossible for me to fit under. “Probably nothing, probably a waste of my time.”

I stuck my arm in the space anyways, ignoring myself. “Nothing here, nothing here, nothing… yes!”

A roll of duct tape. What a beautiful sight. “I’m lucking out today, two rolls in one outing. Geez.” I threw the supplies I found in my backpack with a sense of accomplishment. “Perfect, now time to get out of here.”

As I exited the room I heard a peculiar crunching noise. I lifted my foot to see a newly splintered frame for a family photo, oops.

I knelt down to get a better look and saw a life familiar, “A lovely wife, two kids and a dog.”

I smirked, “Must have been nice.”

Life for me however, will never be this as it was all taken away by the trivial, a car accident little over three and a half years ago. An accident that was unavoidable in the confusion and I can’t help but think that someone else might’ve at least cared if things were different. An accident in a world torn doesn’t even add up to be a statistic but instead just adds to the shade of the ones who died. A shade that takes the form of memory rooting its victims with black chains to the day their lives changed forever.

Memory like everything however has a time limit. A time limit that ends when we end and until that hour I’ve remembered each and every day as a day that could’ve been a little brighter with her still here, alive and full of hope for a future. For me maybe this hope will someday untether the chains to the moment of her death. If only I could remember the colors of her eyes again. Maybe then my memory of her would be bright enough to give me some more of that hope. Perhaps my memories of her just weren’t good enough and now I have no one else to help me remember.

Alone in the afterscape, forever.

The alarm in my watch went off, almost scaring me to death. I had to be in and out in forty-two minutes, not a second over.

“Oh crap.”

Cursing my luck didn’t help but in a way I felt it did help me run faster. Breaking through the decayed front door I tumbled onto the dusk soaked streets of Seattle’s suburbs. Quickly regaining my footing I ran the fastest I had ever ran in my life well except yesterday I said the same thing and the day before that and the day before that.

The grass, weeds and other vegetation, which had buckled the streets long ago, made sprinting almost impossible. Unfortunately I’ve had more than enough experience running in an environment like this as this certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation and certainly won’t be the last.

House after house after abandoned house I ran till I spotted my van and my life line out of here. Big Blue, My Home on Wheels or Chipped Rundown Piece of Garbage as I sometimes call it was parked haphazardly among a five car pileup. I was going to turn around and find another route but I just had to chance it by finding some more supplies didn’t I.

All around, all directions, origin unknown the low hum started up which gained more strength with each passing second. This sound or The Sound as some call it means that you’re in a bit of trouble. It means that you better run till your feet bleed then run some more. This sound, this event that is the enemy of so many has a little pet name of my own which I think describes it a bit better. Something I made up on the spot some time ago when I saw a young couple turn to dust before me. This storm of sound as some call it is a Temporal Blur. Fitting and I think most would agree.

Wham!

Barely stopping myself I hit the side of the van. I quickly counted my blessings as I dove inside, shutting the door behind me.

“Where is it? Where is it!”

Frantically I searched for my new friend that I liberated from that house.

“There you are.”

I ripped the tape out of my backpack and started sealing myself inside my rundown piece of crap. A nice rule to remember is that being perfectly sealed in a small area increases your chances of surviving a Temporal Blur. That and having a van that’s reinforced with some select materials such as concrete.

Once finished I sat myself in the center of the van to go over my daily routine.

“My name is Sam Ryder. I grew up in a lonely neighborhood in California. I worked as an editor for the Downing Sun. I dropped out of MIT to pursue that career. My favorite color is blue and I love the taste of a Snickers bar. My name is Sam Ryder. I grew up in a lonely neighborhood in California...”

As I repeated this I got out a pocket sized notebook. Hands shaking I took the pencil out of the binding and drew the word cat at the top of a fresh page. Underneath that word I wrote the word dog. Then I proceeded to draw a triangle surrounded by a square with a slash going from the top left to the bottom right.

“Same handwriting. Check.”

When that was said and done I closed the notebook, put the pencil back in the binding and waited for The Sound to die.

Silence soon took hold after a few agonizing moments. I fell backward relieved while checking the time. My heart was still at a full sprint as I set my alarm to twenty-three hours and forty-two minutes from now. Never has there been an event in the middle of the night or mid-day, always around 7:00pm or so. Smiling an empty tone I tried to get some rest.

“At least I’m alive; at least I’m alive…”

Every day I go through this. Every day I go through a world surreal bound by overgrown structures and pale sun burnt sidewalks. Every day I go out searching for supplies, searching for life. I’m hesitant though. There is a certain danger during activities which include a select number of individuals. The unlucky ones and I’m not talking about the unlucky ones who aren’t burnt to a crisp. I’m talking about the ones that are not… right. Something about them is off, almost wavering on crazy. They wander the streets, lost, confused and oblivious to rules of the new world. It’s almost as if their identities have been switched with a person very similar to themselves and oddly they lack the memories of the past four years. They seem to be out of touch with this time or blurred with that of another hence my term for The Sound, Temporal Blur. Then of course there are the looters and nomads who rob these people as they are simplest prey.

Almost a year ago I had the opportunity to rob this one old fellow who was wandering on the side of a freeway. He was stranded in the middle nowhere with nothing but shrubs and desert to keep him company. No one would be coming to help this guy. At the time I was driving toward Seattle to see the dream home that Kayla and I were going buy years ago. I don’t know really know why but somehow I felt it would let me imagine some other happier life. I knew I was kidding myself but I had to go somewhere. Anyways this poor guy kept waving his arms and shouting for help over and over again hoping for someone to explain where he was and what he was seeing. The man almost looked like a raisin under the beating sun with his sickling looking arms and legs. As I drove closer I could see he wore a leather backpack with who knows what. Maybe he had a box of Twinkies or a frozen Slurpee or something practical like duct tape.

It didn’t matter though as I just kept driving. I could’ve helped but I’ve learned getting to attached to someone or giving to much information always ends horribly. Unfortunately I’m well educated in that area. I try not to feel bad as I’ve been robbed before by decoys pretending to need help. Perhaps I should just robbed him and got myself a box of Twinkies. I should’ve just robbed him as though it was routine like the many others I’ve encountered. Being human isn’t it in our nature to look after number one?

For some odd reason thinking of these problems somehow always gets me to sleep. Before I got some shut eye I opened up my notebook to write myself a note of how close I got to being a crispy critter and to write tomorrow’s schedule. Being organized is something I’ve found helpful to not waste time between events.

“Tomorrow I should siphon the gas from these cars then…”

I sighed, “I don’t know.”

That’s enough packing.

There’s still the family album and…

We have to leave now!

Sam stop, you’re hurting me.

I’m sorry just please get in the car!

There’s still time to…

Leave it, we’re leaving. I love you

It’s always been a special skill of mine to wake up without an alarm clock, that and getting up early without coffee or a hearty breakfast. Even though I might feel like crap, there’s always too much things to do to be weighed down by things like that. I removed the duct tape from the doors, reread my schedule and my notes then greeted the morning sun.

“Nice day out,” and it was, blue skies over the city with not a cloud in sight.

Perfect.

“Huh, that’s odd.”I reached up to my ear to dig something out. “Dried blood?”

A small reminder of my little adventure yesterday, a little adventure which won’t be happening again. Whatever. After a bit of running in place to wake myself up, I started to siphon the surrounding cars dry. Most were already empty but those select few made the hassle worth it.

“Excuse me!”

I got up from a car I was siphoning, “That wasn’t me was it?”

“Hey excuse me.”

I turned around to see a man in his late-twenties worried as hell about something as told by his furrowed brow. He surprisingly didn’t look unkempt, unlike most of what’s left of society, donning what looked like a new pair of jeans, a white polo shirt and a thin black jacket for good measure. His cloths were a little dirty but they definitely looked newish.

“Hey, wait, Ryder, Sam Ryder?”

Someone tell him my name? Who was this guy? Broad shoulders, generic brown eyes, short trimmed hair and clean shaven? An acquaintance maybe?

I sort of just nodded, “Yeah…?”

When he saw my acknowledgment he lit up so fast if it weren’t for the circumstances I might’ve said he looked like he won the lottery. He hurried on over to me giving me a hug that could’ve broke a rib or two. “Sam you gotta tell me what’s going on here!”

Yep, right there. It was dead giveaway. I backed off a bit, “Sorry but I don’t…”

He was so confused but I had no answers, “Sam? Come on. Stop kidding around.”

I picked up the gas can and continued to ignore him.

“Sam what’s wrong? Don’t you remember me?”

One foot in front of the other I made my way to the van looking straight ahead. I tried to be diplomatic but he was convinced to the bone that he knew me.

“When did you get a van? It looks terrible.”

“A while ago.”

Then I got an idea, “Well actually I got it yesterday at a bargain price now while I pack my stuff you should go wait over there,” I pointed to a mailbox next to the curb, “and I’ll come and pick you up alright? Then I’ll tell you what’s been going on.”

He smiled, “Sam come on I know when you’re lying.”

I was in disbelief, “Who are you?”

Confused he inched his name out as if I would try to guess it before he finished, “Vince, Vince Nolan?”

I shook my head, “Sorry.”

I opened the door to the driver side. I was done.

“I was your best man at your wedding two and half years ago.”

I stopped, “What?”

“Yeah and that old car your dad gave you broke down as you and Kayla drove off.”

He laughed, “You were nearly in tears and I remember I kept thinking of ways to catch you if you passed out because after that long of a wedding I really wasn’t feeling like driving you to the hospital if you hit your head on the pavement. Good thing it was a simple fix, well, a simple fix for your dad anyways who might I add is quite the mechanic. What’s wrong?”

He was probably referring to the fact that my mouth was wide open trying to make sense of his words. “None of that happened.” I looked all around, “This is what happened over four years ago.”

Vince looked at the overgrowth and the rust infested cars, “No.” He then looked out to the city then back me, “Yesterday everything was fine. I was just watching the news about some solar flare then…”

He trailed off to think and then something dawned on me, “Everything was fine at what time.”

“It was late afternoonish but then…” I interrupted, “So around maybe seven you…”

He nodded, “Appeared here.”

“Vince, do you live here?”

“Yeah.”

He pointed to the house right next to one I looted yesterday.

“And that house is the house you live in.”

I became confused. “No, that’s not right.”

The house he pointed to was the house I did loot yesterday or at least I think it was. Every house on the block was a copy paste; two story, two garage, tile roof, save for the newly added color of green as it painted each house differently. I couldn’t believe it; I didn’t want to believe it, not from the vine and leaf stricken houses but of what Vince said. I needed answers, just not here.

“Vince I’ll explain and in return I’ll need you to explain some things.”

Giving strangers rides totally goes against the rules I’ve set up but I needed to know more. “Hop in I’ll unlock the door.” A few seconds later and we were off to anywhere but here.

We rode in silence for some time. I glanced over to Vince. From what he’s said and from what the others I’ve seen it’s clear that he’s suffering from a Temporal Blur. He’s not himself, thinking that he knows me from some other life which leads to me to wonder something. Perhaps he is his normal self. And that not only has he’s had his identity switched but he’s had his identity switch with another version of himself from an alternate universe. It would explain so much if it wasn’t such a crazy idea. Then again, I was trying to survive on a daily basis from an invisible sound that seems to kill some people while leaving others alone save for the identity switch. I look back forward toward to the road ahead, continuing the silence.

I wanted Vince to soak up his new reality till he was dripping with questions. I’d admit though it was a bit cruel because I almost had no answers but I did have a few theories. “That solar flare on the news you were talking about.”

“Yeah,” Vince continued to stare outside.

“Well it ended up hitting us but what was strange was that it didn’t knock out the power.” I paused for a moment, “Well not right away anyways.”

“That makes…”

“No sense right?”

Vince nodded in agreement.

“Ok well anyways after twenty three days it hit and the power shut down, the world just sort of went to hell.” I shook my head as I remembered the first days, “People just lost it and I mean they just turned into…”

“Animals?”

I looked over to him, “Over time they did but it didn’t start out that way. At first it was more of a shock, people thought it would get better and the next morning everything would return to back the way it was. Blackouts happen all the time, everyone’s experienced one before. But then days turned to weeks which turned to months. Having no internet, TV or even cell phones, the things we take for granted. It was just a matter of time before riots broke out.” I sighed, “The government must’ve known the extent of the damage as we never heard from them. They just let us kill one another over once fruitless things like batteries however that time was pure bliss compared to what happened next.”

Vince stopped looking out the window, “What happened?”

I ran my hand through my hair, “The Sound came and with it a reality knowing every day could be your last.” Letting out a small smile I added, “I guess I just got lucky along with maybe a billion others left on this dreadful rock.”

I checked my watch. We still had more than a few hours before the next event.

“The Sound?”

I ignored his question. “How did we meet Vince?”

He looked back out the window to think, “We met in New Mexico at the Trinity testing labs. We were uh…” He hesitated for a moment, “We were testing an ultra-dense fuel source that would expel vast amounts pure energy.”

He looked back over to me for some input but I had none. I had no memory of some testing lab or anything.

“Did it work?” I looked over to him, “Did it work?”

Vince shook his head, “It didn’t work, well, I take that back. It did work but the energy just went into itself. Selfish piece of junk.”

Vince laughed, “It’s funny we even tried to scale the experiment to the size of a house to maybe produce enough energy to harvest some but nope nothing worked.”

As interesting as this was I couldn’t will myself to care.

I stopped the van in front a ‘better than nothing’ looting opportunity. Dan’s Fresh and Feed, a supermarket a little ways from the city although not to far as the Space Needle still made its presence known from the corner of my eye. I guess no one was courteous enough to put them away during the apocalypse. Who knew?

“Alright help me look for some food, water or tape, preferably duct tape.” Exiting the van I noticed Vince was troubled about something, “What?”

He pointed to the name of the store, “I thought they changed the name after Dan, you know, died?”

I almost pulled out a half smile, “Yeah you’re right Dan did die but it wasn’t before, this. He got vaporized right in front of me. Anyways I thought you would be more interested in that park job.”

I glanced over to the car which had barreled its way into the store some time ago. The guy must have really wanted those five cent tomatoes as noted by the sign out front.

Vince turned his attention to the car for just a second, “I can see that happening. Those tomatoes must have been great or something…”

I started to walk inside leaving him to talk to himself but Vince really didn’t want to let the whole Dan thing go. “No Dan died over seven years ago. This place this,” He squinted his eyes to make sure he was seeing the name right, “this Dan’s Fresh and Feed is a Green Wheats.”

Whatever I really didn’t care and I could tell that he knew that I didn’t.

Walking inside I cast my gaze to ceiling. Half the roof had caved in letting in some much need light to the dark aisles of this apparent ‘Green Wheats’. Surprisingly grass and some vegetation had already started to creep through the thick foundation.

When Vince entered the store, right away I began issuing orders, “You search this half and I’ll search the other half, alright?”

Vince nodded, turned right and started to walk off toward the lit side of store. When he walked through the sun light and I noticed something. Is that a gun in his back pocket? How did I not notice that? I was kind of relieved but weary at the same time. Note to self: Don’t piss off Vince. Before I started my search, I checked my watch which gave me some comfort as we still had plenty of time.

The store pretty much had nothing stripped clean with every crumb, critter, and can already hulled off. I was almost certain there at least had to be something considering cities and their surround areas were and still are hit the hardest by the Temporal Blurs. This is probably because of the absence of trees and lack general outdoorsiness. Whatever. Twenty minutes later I had gotten a total of squat and a whole lot of wasted time.

Vince walked over to me in aisle five to present his findings, “I got nothing.”

I sighed, “Well maybe…” I stopped in mid-sentence to listen to the wind that calmly bled through the broken glass.

Vince was in the dark, oblivious to anything that required an ounce of thought, “What?”

I quickly shh-ed him, “You hear that?” It sounded like a generator or; I checked my watch, “Impossible.”

Confused still, Vince tried to listen, “What I don’t hear anything.”

He tried tilting his head every which way to no avail.

“You don’t hear that? It sounds exactly like a…” I stopped myself, “a Blur event or something.”

There was no explanation, no reason as to why Vince couldn’t hear the obvious, “You sure you hear absolutely nothing?”

Vince put his hands up, “Hey don’t shoot messenger. All I hear is you getting a bit paranoid about something.” He put his hands back down, “Getting paranoid about a Temporal Blur?”

I took a step back as The Sound intensified, “I never said that. How did…?”

He took a step toward me, “You were going to say a Temporal Blur event, right?”

I stumbled backwards. The Sound was too much. All I could do was close my eyes and hope for a swift exit. I felt nauseated, cold and almost paralyzed as I fumbled in ignorance trying to grasp onto what was happening.

Was this how it felt to die?

Everything that connected me to this reality broke free ushering in a bright light that crowed my vision.

“Sam, Sam I know you’re in there, Sam?”

It was the voice of a woman, a woman who was everything to me once but that was in another lifetime.

“Kayla?”

I opened my blurred eyes to the sounds of a heart monitor, the feel of a feeding tube in my abdomen and the drone of a news program in the background. This small room, why does it feel so, familiar? I tried to move but couldn’t as I was bed stricken, held down by a small arsenal of gadgets and machines monitoring everything imaginable.

Vision returning I tried studying the stark room only to fail as my head was in a brace fixing my view to the ceiling. I did however, barely from the corner of my eye, see a vase of yellow dandelions. A simple memory from childhood that would gnaw at my mind every time I would see one in the afterscape reminding me of her, of a time without worry, a time before the accident.

I could hear Kayla stand up somewhere past the dandelions and walk over to my bed. She smiled shyly as she would when we hadn’t seen each other for a while. She leaned in a bit closer letting me see her face more clearly. Just as I remembered her, eyes dipped in sky blue dashed with fresh peppermint. I can’t imagine I could ever forget those eyes. Every day I would of think of her, every sign, word and letter would remind me of her name but something wasn’t right. Even though she looks like Kayla she definitely wasn’t Kayla because of one simple detail. She died four years ago in a car accident.

As she stood over me, I saw her face was painted pale as she tried to relay something to me, “Sam you remember the day we found that old trashed car in that field of dandelions?” She looked over to the vase, “The wind the broken windows made was so…”

She put her head down for a moment then looked up back to me, “Sam you must focus alright? Vince has pretty good case but I know he did this to you, he isn’t a friend and…”

Cutting her off early the heart monitor went off as my vision started to fade. Instinctively Kayla looked toward the door and shouted for the doctor, “Dr. Dan he’s slipping again!” Looking back to me she tried to calm me as best she could, “You’re alright Sam, you’re fine, you’re going to be fine.” Her speech was getting more and more shaky as I tried to focus only to find that I could barely hear her anymore.

I read ‘I love you’ on her lips as my world finally went black, spinning wildly about and with it came a head ache unparalleled to anything I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I was falling into a rough sea of nothingness being tossed around like a child’s play thing. I had to escape and no matter how hard I tried not even I could hear my own screams.

Stay with me! Hey come on focus!

Sam it’s alright...

No no no no no just focus on me.

Sam.

Just hold on I'll get some help and I’ll figure something out and…

Sam.

What?

Of all the days I’ve been with you I've never seen you cry before for anything...Thank you.

Kayla...

This silence this wind through the glass is peaceful Sam, it’s peaceful...

“Sam, you ok?”

I opened my eyes to see I was lying on my back in the supermarket.

“You must’ve knocked yourself out when you tripped on that empty can of beans.”

Vince extended his hand towards me to give me a lift. I looked up at him dead in the eye and without saying anything I refused. He lowered his hand as I got up slowly. He knew and I knew. It was a stand-off which ended when a blood drop fell from his ear.

Swiftly with practiced precision he reached for his gun in under a second. Wasting no time I tackled him. Two shots were fired, as we hit the floor, both hitting the ceiling. Instinctively I grabbed for the gun as he punched then threw me off of him. With his death grip he still managed to hang onto the stupid thing when he scrambling to his feet. Mirroring him I did the same and for a quick moment I was going to run but then a thought of another kind came rushing in.

A gun would definitely be handy and plus I had the most important part in my hand.

Click Click Click

Vince looked at his gun confused, the clip was missing and being the nice guy that I was I returned it to him. Like a throwing knife I nailed him in the head with it. He stumbled backwards giving me enough time to kick in one of his knees and just like I predicted he dropped his gun which I snagged as it fell. Without its clip it was useless and for the time being I didn’t have the luxury of looking so I spun it around and turned it into a weapon of a different kind. Vince however wasn’t stupid. In mid pistol whip he grabbed my arm and head butted me. I fell backwards onto the floor as I heard the cocking of another pistol.

Defeated I looked up at him; barrel pointed right at me ready to end my life.

“Why?”

He smirked, “Sam you were something once, a person of power, a person of opinion and innovation. We all depended on you.” He put the gun down, “You were engineered excellence.”

I looked to the floor at the trampled weeds, “I was none of those things.”

“Wrong!”

He was angry, frustrated even but I had nothing to give. “What then, who was I?”

He raised the gun back up to me, “You were the one who shut it all down. All that research, all the money! And for what? Side effects? A few mistaken identities?”

I looked back up to him, “What?”

He continued, “A few people complained they’ve been in a world destroyed by humanities desire for number one and you thought we had something to do with it?” He laughed, “Those cases came in years before we were even born!”

It sadly started to make sense even if Vince didn’t see it.

Hesitantly I started to stand, leaning my shoulder on the aisle’s shelf, “I coined the term Temporal Blur didn’t I?”

He nodded.

“I also made the assumption that the project at the Trinity labs was putting its energy, here?”

He didn’t say a word.

“You must have tried to start up the project in the middle of the day so I, fired you? Then you put me in the hospital?”

Brows crossed, Vince shook his head, “Surprisingly your close, almost to close but that’s not what happened. You were the one who started the project up one day without cool down at full power when all the staff had left for the holidays. Later that very same day I came back to the lab to pick up something only to find you babbling nonsense.”

Vince sighed, “You attacked me Sam so I defended myself and unfortunately for you the last stair must have put you in a coma.”

“I don’t think that’s what happened.”

He looked to me like I was crazy; wearing that fake stupid grin so well I could’ve swore I saw stitches outlining his face but he stayed silent to hear me out.

“I think what happened was that I purposely started up the project when I was just a bit too close to it.”

I grinned casually, “Then what happened next was that I woke up in a van during a nice morning. After rereading Sam’s notes, I hopped outside to greet the morning sun and to siphon gas from the surrounding cars. Before not to long just as expected you come walking up to me acting confused about what you were seeing.”

Vince lowered the gun tangled in thought.

I continued, “Late nights at the lab Vince? Worried I was catching on? Surveillance tapes are known truth-sayers Vince. Been having fun trips to a lawless world? You know you take the most detailed notes about conscience swapping, Shepard Tone, memory blurs, time distortions equation theories and people turning to ash because they simply don’t exist on the other side. Unfortunately for me, I probably should have read why you took tranquilizers before your trips. Now come to think of it maybe at first you took tranquilizers but now you’re working with your other half? Also it was a nice try having the machine start up earlier. It’s too bad that Sam stabilized in hospital with the initial prognosis looking grim. ”

Vince had enough; he raised the gun to fire.

“Listen to yourself! You know nothing!” He shouted.

I slightly tilted my head and started to walk toward him, “I know you’re a coward that’s tying up loose ends to cover your secret trips. Your plan to kill me with the Sound failed so why not get your hands dirty again and shoot me. I also believe you’re the one that’s going to have his brainpan febreezing the air.”

With a primitive cry he shot me twice in the chest, point blank.

Without fear, without faultier I leaned in real close, “Thank you, for giving Sam Ryder the rest he deserves.”

A third shot echoed out of the gun’s chamber accompanied by silence.

I stood there for a moment to listen to the wind through the broken glass one last time. Peace engraved in simple.

Perfect.

I released my grip from Vince’s wrist and the barrel of his gun as his hand slipped from the trigger. Dead by his own hand in a sense. He fell to the floor with a thud, undignified; a pool of blood marked his new found grave. Just before he expired he managed to mouth the words, ‘I’m sorry’. Fitting for a friend that was once my best man.

“I wish it didn’t have to come to this…” I griped my chest as the pain started to kick in. My legs gave way as I slid onto the floor with the aisle’s shelf to my back. “Sorry Sam for dragging you into this.” I checked my watch, “What have I done?”

Voice getting horse, I waited with grudged patience. “Come on. Come on.” Watching my watch as the seconds grew longer didn’t help as my vision started to blur. “Ah, there’s my ride.”

With breathless enthusiasm I took comfort in The Sound as it started up just as expected, right on time. “I guess they found my note.”

Strength fading I looked up to the hole in the ceiling to watch the clouds pass each other by.

“Nothing will undo what we did to this world; nothing will change but now,” I looked over to Vince’s body, “now at least the suffering will stop, for the most part.”

The Sound reached its highest note breaking my reality to its fundamentals and common denominators. Splintered the sky brightened black fading the colors of the world to a dull muddled reminder of my failures. The earth beneath me refused to exist shaken to dust, to ash, to nothing.

I closed my eyes one last time to take in this calm, “Nothing else: No witnesses to our doing. Never will: An impossible tragedy dreamt up by greed. Not a change: Human nature, a memento to our doing. A discord gear turning progress to its own demise and we were none the wiser playing to the devil’s false tune.”


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Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:18 pm
Niebla wrote a review...



Hey oNegativeZero,

Apologies for this review being so late. I expect the other reviewers have already covered a lot or at least some of what I’m about to say, but I’m not going to read their reviews so that I can give you a my own opinion without bias – so be warned that I might repeat some things.

First of all, I want to say that this appealed to me quite a bit when I started reading it. I was just a little bit confused right from the beginning, but I liked how it seemed to be based on a theme of confusion and losing your identity, etc. I was pretty interested to see what happened.

However, this brings me to the second point – that, to me, this just didn’t make nearly as much sense as I’d hoped for it to. Perhaps I wasn’t reading carefully enough (admittedly there were a few distractions) but although I felt drawn into certain parts of the story, I felt it lost it a little when you tried to explain what happened in the past. I was left really quite unsure by the end of it. So everybody was losing their minds and identities, others just evaporating into thin air? Was this caused by what went on in this plant with Vince and Sam? What did actually happen there? What connection did the car crash really have with anything, other than Kayla’s death? What has that really got to do with the story?

I get the feeling that these events are all somehow connected, but you didn’t quite pull all the threads together in writing this story – not to my mind, at least. As I’m still left a little unsure about what exactly was going on here, I’m not sure how to fix it, either. A part of the problem might have been that there were so many mysteries, and it seemed that the reader knew nothing in the beginning. It was a bit dream-like in terms of how much sense everything made. One suggestion is to try and rework the story, but not start with so many mysteries; focus on one thing which the character/reader doesn’t find out until the end. Alternatively (and this might work better) try and cut out all the bits which had nothing much to do with anything, or could easily be left out (such as the car crash) and focus on the important things, the things the reader has to see to understand the story. Try to avoid dumping somewhat confusing information on them, and *show* them what’s going on and how it came to happen.

Again, perhaps the story was meant to be confusing, and I liked that to an extent, but by the end I just didn’t feel satisfied with the answers I got.

Another (quite major) thing I want to mention is that I didn’t, as a reader, feel as much of a connection with your MC (Sam) as I would have liked to. I was confused about him all the way through. I managed to gather a vague image of him as a man always on the run, missing his wife who died in a car accident (but did she actually really die?) and trying desperately to survive and keep his identity.

To expand, what was it with Vince? At first Sam didn’t recognise him, and I gained the impression that some supernatural thing was going on for this random man to have gained Vince’s memories and begun believing he was Vince. Then he started revealing all these things, and Sam started contradicting them, and I just didn’t know what to make of it all.

Sam what are you made of stone, steel, a sponge for no emotion?
What?
How can you not cry after seeing that movie?
I don't know Kayla, I just...
C’mon shut up, you know the day I see you cry for anything will be the day I die.
Wow morbid much?
What? Ok, alright, a bit extreme?
Yeah just a bit.
Well then show me that you’re the teddy bear your friends keep teasing you about. What?
It’s nothing it’s just your laugh it’s...
It’s what? Is my laugh annoying?
No no it’s just, it’s perfect.


Then we have all these bits in italics, which I found equally confusing. At first I was thinking to myself “these are a nice touch, although parts of them sound just slightly off – they must have something important to do with the story.” I kept reading, partly expectant to find out what the connection between these bits and the overall story actually was. Yet as I reached the end, they seemed more loosely connected than ever.

Again—how does Kayla’s death connect to all this? If it does, explain. Even better, show. If it doesn’t, cut it out. If it’s to help the reader understand Sam, you can mention it, but it doesn’t need this much attention drawn to it, or repetition.

Regarding the Temporal Blurs, I was pretty intrigued to find out what exactly they were. This was explained to an extent, but not enough. What caused them? What exactly were they doing to people?

Although the confusion and outlandishness of the whole story definitely gripped me at points and kept me interested enough to read right up until the end – but left me really quite disappointed at the end – I didn’t really feel as if there was enough emotion to this, either. Sam’s grief for Kayla added a bit of this in, but his emotions and feelings about everything else were always so unclear – I got that he was somehow afraid for his life, but most other things were just too confusing to follow, not to mention relate to.

It was just too dream-like for me. That’s pretty much exactly what this story strikes me as – a dream, where things don’t have to connect up and make sense. Some stories can be in this style and be really good reads – but I feel as if there needs to be some more consistency, and some more satisfaction at the end. The idea I got from this story was that you were trying to explain something along but, again, didn’t quite make all the threads meet.

Moving on to some more nit-picky things, I noticed some errors in spelling/grammar which I suspect were just typos (at one point “house” is spelt as “horse”), and some of the sentences seemed slightly clumsy. I think you could just do with revising this and trying to pick up on those things – the lack of commas and pauses in some places where it feels as if there should be some, which makes the sentences feel rushed. I’ll point out a couple of sentences which seemed particularly clumsy to me:

While almost scaring me to death, the alarm in my watch went off.


This just sounds…wrong. How can an alarm go off while scaring you to death? It would make more sense to word it in another way: “The alarm in my watch went off, almost scaring me to death.”

House after house after abandoned house I ran till I spotted my blue van.


This one should speak for itself, really. I’m not sure what happened here, only that it sounds a bit like a line in a nonsense poem. ;)

Then, if you also look over your conversation between Vince and Sam, there were some instances in which the line spacing seemed pretty awkward – as in, you wrote one line of dialogue on one line, and then skipped to the next line – which automatically made me think the other person was speaking when it was in fact the same person. I’d just look over that.

Honestly, I think that sums up just about everything I have to say. I hope I don’t seem too harsh with this review; I did actually enjoy the story, although I didn’t feel as if it quite resolved itself in the end. With a lot of work and revision, I think this could be turned into something much better. I’d like to re-read this after you edit it, to see how you improve it and gain a bit more insight into the story. ^_^

Feel free to PM me/post on my wall if you have any questions. :)

~Niebla~






Thanks for the review. I thought about totally revising it earlier but I don%u2019t know. I think I should just gather what I%u2019ve learned from this and write something new. However, I%u2019ll try and patch a few things to get the story to make some more sense.





What I tried to tell and sort of failed in telling was that in the story there are two universes coexisting side by side. In universe 1, Sam didnt follow through with MIT and never got to the Trinity Testing labs where a revolutionary new way of creating pure energy was to be made under his guidance. In universe 2, Sam goes to MIT and to the Trinity Testing labs and develops the machine. Right before the machine is switched on a solar flare heads toward Earth in both universes. In universe 2, the solar flare misses but in universe 1 it hits right as the machine is switched on for its first test. Because the machine hasnt been upscaled yet it only creates a time distortion making the solar flare hit later than intended. With the lights out, people turn on each other to survive. Sam in universe 1 tries to escape the riots but ends up in a car crash which kill his soon to be wife. A bit later in universe 2 the machine gets upscaled so that maybe some energy can be extracted from it. This of course is also a failure and only makes things worse for universe 1. When the machine is turned on in universe 2, a temporal blur happens in universe 1. The temporal blurs switch the identity of anyone caught in it with their other selves from universe 2. If a person doesnt exist in the other universe then the person simply gets vaporized as you cant have your identity switched with a dead man.





Now let%u2019s introduce Vince, a Trinity Testing scientist who quickly became friends with Sam from universe 2. Vince one day finds out what the machine is actually doing when he stands to close to the machine and keeps it a secret from everyone else. By standing to close to the machine Vince is able to switch his identity with Vince from Universe 1. The reason he is able to do this is that at a close proximity the machine emits The Sound around itself thus allowing Vince to travel to the other universe. Universe 2 Sam, seeing no use to the machine, decides to shut it down. Of course Vince isnt too happy about this as he has become obsessed with the machine so he arranges continuous secret trips at night. Vinces goal, to track down Sam from universe 1, kill him, then have Sam from universe 2 stand close to the machine. With universe 1 Sam gone, universe 2 Sam would simply be vaporized. It would all be logged as an accident. With Sam out of the way Vince would get a promotion to project leader and keep the machine going for as long as he likes.





Sam from universe 2 isnt stupid as he catches on what Vince is doing from security cameras and the extensive notes Vince takes about his trips. Sam from universe 2 decides to hatch a plan to save himself from Vince in Universe 1 by catching Vince in the act to kill him. So Sam from universe 2 uses the machine trading his identity with himself from universe 1. Sam from universe 2 knows Vince is bound to show up soon as told by his notes from universe 2. Sam however has a slight mental hiccup as he forgets about what might happen to universe 1 Sam who is now in universe 2 Sams body. Vince in universe 2 arrives at the lab for another secret trip to find Sam who is clearly Sam from universe 1. Vince fears for his life as he doesnt know what universe 2 Sam is doing. Without thinking clearly Vince puts Sam from universe 1 who is in Sam from universe 2s body into a coma by throwing him down some stairs. Quickly Vince uses to the machine to see the damage Sam from universe 2 might have done but before he goes he has the machine start up manually some time later. When both Sam and Vince are in the supermarket, Vince plays coy until the machine starts up in universe 2.





Vince thinks he has won as he doesnt think Sam from universe 1 who is in universe 2 Sams body survived. Of course this isn%u2019t the case as Sam stabilizes in the hospital. Vinces plan has now all but fallen apart. With a quick fight with Sam from universe 2 who is in universe 1 Sams body, Vince is the victor. Vince cant handle shooting Sam but with the knowledge that Sam knows more than he thought and with a little help from Sam, Vince shoots and fatally wounds Sam. Sam gets close to Vince allowing him to reach the pistol in his hand just as he tries to shoot Sam one more time. Instead of shooting Sam one more time he accidently shoots and kills himself as Sam had quickly tilted his gun up toward his head in the last second. As Sam dies his plan comes full circle with someone finding a note to start up the machine one last time allowing him to return home.

The whole thing with car crash was a clue as to which Sam was present in the story such in the beginning the wind through the broken glass brings dread for Sam in universe 1, something I forgot to change sorry. Then later when Sam from universe 2 is in Sam from universe 1s body, the wind through the broken glass is more of a peaceful sound from when Sam and Kayla found that car in the field of dandelions.





Another thing I should have detailed earlier before your review was that the italic parts were a flashback before and after universe 1 was hit by the solar flare. These sort of set up to the whole broken glass thing and universe 1 Kayla dying.

I%u2019ll be honest, at one point I did want it to be dream with Sam being the one hurt in the car accident which put him into a coma.

I don%u2019t really know why I wrote this summery. I guess I just want you or anyone else who reads this a clearer picture of I was trying, and failing, to tell. As a first attempt at writing a complete short story I suppose I did alright. I might rewrite it sometime but I think I%u2019m just going to move on and start with something fresh. Anyways thanks again for the review.





On a side note the apostrophe is making some weird %u2019 thing in the reply window so thats not fault.



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Fri May 25, 2012 12:41 pm
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Twit wrote a review...



Hello oNegativeZero!



What are you made of stone, steel, a sponge for no emotion?
What?
How can you not cry after seeing that movie?
I don't know I just...
C’mon shut up, you know the day I see you cry for anything will be the day I die.
Wow morbid much?
What? Ok, alright, a bit extreme?
Yeah just a bit.
Well then show me that you’re the teddy bear your friends keep teasing you about. What?
It’s nothing it’s just your laugh it’s...
It’s what? Is my laugh annoying?
No no it’s just, it’s perfect.

I’m not sure about this bit. Who’s speaking, why is there no punctuation, why is it all in italics?


A broken mirror, a slinky and a Rubik's Cube. Nothing else, never will, not a change. A search, a game played on luck and keen insight. This routine this life of going through another person’s stuff is almost second nature now as it’s the only way to win.

This isn’t worded very clearly. I had to read it through several times to understand it. The bolded sentence doesn’t make sense—either you’ve missed some words out or you need to rejumble the word order.


I speak quietly and usually keep to myself. At times I’ve been known to be a bit cocky, arrogant even. Traits that before would alienate others but now, now they have their uses.

I’m not sure about this direct telling. It comes across as awkward and obvious and I’d far rather discover these “traits” naturally in the course of the story.


Thinking out loud keeps me sane keeps me from being someone else or something that I’m not.

Lacking in commas here. You need one after “sane”. The whole sentence could do with rewording for greater clarity.


Standing still I stopped what I was doing for a moment to listen to the wind through the broken glass.

Comma after “standing still”.



Life for me however will never be this as it was all taken away by the trivial, a car accident little over three and a half years ago. An accident that was unavoidable in the confusion and I can’t help but think that someone else might’ve at least cared if things were different. An accident in a world torn doesn’t even add up to be a statistic but instead just adds to the shade of the ones who died. A shade that takes the form of memory rooting its victims with black chains to the day their lives changed forever.

This feels like it’s meant to a deep and thinking thought, but it’s confused and jumbled. Your sentences are too long and incoherent, and that’s not helped by the lack of punctuation.



While almost scaring me to death, the alarm in my watch reminded me why I had to be in and out in forty-two minutes. Not a second over.

Very weirdly worded. Passive voice? You need to be as direct as possible. Here you start with the emotion, then with the event and then the consequence. Try, “The alarm in my watch went off, scaring me half to death. I had to be in and out of there in forty-two minutes and my time was up.” Make it linear, more streamlined.


Quickly regaining my footing I ran the fastest I had ever ran in my life well except yesterday I said the same thing and the day before that and the day before that.

I shook my head, “Focus!”

I don’t think the talking-to-oneself works here. It’s a cool character quirk and it adds realism and interest, but you keep on going on about it, and the thoughts don’t flow well. You’re running away from something, so surely you’d want to keep all your breath for running and not for fulfilling a habit. Bending plausibility for a quirk stops it from being a quirk and makes it into a gimmick.


Unfortunately I’ve had more than enough experience running in an environment like this as this certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation and certainly won’t be the last.

Time switches like this are also jarring. We’re in the present, running away; then in the past, remembering that we’ve run away like this before; and then in the future, knowing that we’ll be doing this again tomorrow. It’s choppy and uncomfortable.


Once finished I sat myself in the center of the van to go over my daily routine.

“My name is Sam Ryder. I grew up in a lonely neighborhood in California. I worked as an editor for the Downing Sun. I dropped out of MIT to pursue that career. My favorite color is blue and I love the taste of a Snickers bar. My name is Sam Ryder. I grew up in a lonely neighborhood in California...”

As I repeated this I got out a pocket sized notebook. Hands shaking I took the pencil out of the binding and drew the word cat at the top of a fresh page. Underneath that word I wrote the word dog. Then I proceeded to draw a triangle surrounded by a square with a slash going from the top left to the bottom right.

“Same handwriting. Check.”

This is interesting, but again feels obvious. It’s like the talking to oneself was introduced solely so we wouldn’t think this talking to oneself was weird, and so we could get what Sam was thinking without having to put in the narrative. It doesn’t feel natural.


Every day I go through this. Every day I go through a world surreal bound by overgrown structures and pale sun burnt sidewalks. Every day I go out searching for supplies, searching for life. I’m hesitant though. There is a certain danger during activities which include a select number of individuals. The unlucky ones and I’m not talking about the unlucky ones who aren’t burnt to a crisp. I’m talking about the ones that are not… right. Something about them is off, almost wavering on crazy. They wander the streets, lost, confused and oblivious to rules of the new world. It’s almost as if their identities have been switched with a person very similar to themselves and oddly they lack the memories of the past four years. They seem to be out of touch with this time or blurred with that of another hence my term for The Sound, Temporal Blur. Then of course there are the looters and nomads who rob these people as they are simplest prey.

Getting more than a hint of I Am Legend here. Which is okay, I guess, just not very original. Lots of zombie movies have this set-up.


If I remember right there was one time in which I had an opportunity to rob a whole group of these easy targets but, I don’t know. I wouldn’t almost feel human if I did but then again isn’t it in our nature to look after number one?

Again with the confused sentences. You’re trying to say too much all at once. Take a breath and slow down. Try reading this out loud and you should see what I mean. You shove everything in together and it doesn’t always make sense.


It’s always been a special skill of mine to wake up without an alarm clock, that and getting up early without coffee or a hearty breakfast.

Meh. I can wake up without an alarm clock and I never have coffee or a hearty breakfast. It’s not that special a skill, and Sam’s saying it is is kinda silly and pretentious.


“Well it ended up hitting us but what was strange was that it didn’t knock out the power.”

*I paused for a moment, “Well not right away anyways.”

“That makes…”

“No sense right?”

Another reason why I’m confused—keep your speakers on the same line. The new paragraph by the star is wrong. It should be ”Well it ended up hitting us but what was strange was that it didn’t knock out the power.” I paused for a moment. “Well not right away anyways.” Otherwise it looks like Vince is saying “well not right away”, and Sam is saying “that makes”. It gets very confuzzling.


“Ok well anyways after twenty three days it hit and the power shut down, the world just sort of went to hell.”

I shook my head as I remembered the first days, “People just lost it and I mean they just turned into…”

“Animals?”

They turned into animals because the power shut down? Isn’t that, like, a little extreme?


I ran my hand through my hair, “Then The Sound came and with it a reality worse than fear or death or even war.”

Yeahnope. This doesn’t sound real. Sam’s been pretty flippant up until now, and then he’s suddenly all dramatic? Seriously, if the world went to pieces and someone asked you about it, would you talk about a reality worse than death? It’s cheesy and melodramatic. Surely you’d say something more like, “Then this thing called the Sound came and then everything got even crappier than before.” Be realistic.

“The Sound?”

I ignored his question, “How did we meet Vince?”

Wait, why’s he ignoring him? My impression of the Sound is that it’s life-threatening, deadly and pretty frikking dangerous, so why the fudge is Sam withholding information about it? Does he want Vince to die? Also that comma should be a full stop. You do this a lot throughout, but if it’s not a tag before dialogue it needs to end with a full stop.


He looked back out the window to think, “We met in New Mexico at the Trinity testing labs. We were uh…”

He hesitated for a moment, “We were testing an ultra-dense fuel source that would expel vast amounts pure energy.”

Another example of wonky paragraphing. Keep each speaker together, make this into one paragraph.


He lowered his hand as I got up slowly. He knew and I knew. It was a stand-off which ended when a blood drop fell from his ear.

Liar.

How did Sam know that Vince was evil, how did Vince know that Sam know, how did Sam know that Vince knew that he knew?


Swiftly with trained precision he reached for his gun in less than a second. Wasting no time I tackled him.

This is boring. You’ve got an enemy, you’ve got a gun, you’ve got a deserted supermarket—this could and should be tense, electric, action-packed. Instead you’ve got clichés: “less than a second”, “wasting no time”. Make this exciting!


Vince looked at his gun confused, the clip was missing and being the nice guy that I was I returned it to him. Like a throwing knife I nailed him in the head with it. He stumbled backwards giving me enough time to kick in one of his knees and just like I predicted he dropped his gun which I snagged as it fell. Without its clip it was useless and for the time being I didn’t have the luxury of looking so I spun it around and turned it into a weapon of a different kind. Vince however wasn’t stupid. In mid pistol whip he grabbed my arm and head butted me. I fell backwards onto the floor as I heard the cocking of another pistol.

I’m not convinced. Vince carries a gun with him and tries to kill Sam “with trained precision”, so he must be some kind of soldier/warrior/ninja/black ops dude person thingie. But he’s successfully tackled by a guy with no training who’s been living out of a van for the past X months. And Sam manages to take the clip out of his gun in a second without him noticing? It’s different if Jason Bourne or Buffy does this kind of thing; Bourne’s been specially trained and enhanced into a freaking fighting machine, and Buffy’s got supernaturally enhanced strength and speed and Slayer abilities. Buffy and Bourne aren’t random Joes who’ve been scavenging in abandoned houses.



“Why?”

He smirked, “Sam you were something once, a person of power, a person of opinion and innovation. We all depended on you.” He put the gun down, “You were engineered excellence.”

I looked to the floor at the trampled weeds, “I was none of those things.”

“Wrong!”

He was angry, frustrated even but I had nothing to give. “What then, who was I?”

He raised the gun back up to me, “You were the one who shut it all down. All that research, all the money! And for what? Side effects? A few mistaken identities?”

I looked back up to him, “What?”

He continued, “A few people complained they’ve been in a world destroyed by humanities desire for number one and you thought we had something to do with it?” He laughed, “Those cases came in years before we were even born!”

Monologuing. Yawn. Why doesn’t he just put a bullet in his head and have done with it?


I closed my eyes one last time to take in this calm, “Nothing else: No witnesses to our doing. Never will: An impossible tragedy dreamt up by greed. Not a change: Human nature, a memento to our doing. A discord gear turning progress to its own demise and we were none the wiser playing to the devil’s false tune.”

Is this a quote from something? It’s kinda-to-very-pretentious and cheesy.

---
OVERALL, CHARACTERS AND CONFUSION
I’m going to be honest here: I didn’t like this much. Your idea isn’t very original. It reminds me too much of I Am Legend. I didn’t connect with Sam at all; he was a smart-alec without any charm, and I don’t get what happened at the end. Sam caused the apocalypse? (excuse me while I take a moment here) but then he wasn’t Sam, he was someone else and Sam was actually in a hospital bed? Nothing was explained! What was the apocalypse? Why did people go funny? Who was Vince? Who was Sam? Who was the narrator? What was the Sound? What happened? Why did Vince want to kill Sam? Why did Sam cause the apocalypse? How did Sam cause the apocalypse? What was the solar flare? Why did the power going off make people go weird? What were the italicised bits of dialogue? What was Sam’s note? Who comes for Sam at the end? What was the bit with his wife in the hospital? Was Vince really his best man?

I’m confused. I want to understand, and I want to like Sam but you don’t give me anything to go on. His tells himself that he was at MIT and then was a writer and likes Snickers. Big whoop—what else? There’s more to a person than what chocolate bar they like best. I mean, what nationality is he? Is this America, England, France, the Netherlands? Is the catastrophe worldwide, or just localised?


PROSE
Your prose would benefit from a read-aloud. Read your sentences out loud, try and find the rhythm and stick with it. Prose should have a rhythm like poetry—it doesn’t have to be iambic pentameter, but sentences need to flow well. If you read them out loud you should see where you need to split them, where you need to clarify the meaning.


PACE
Slow down! You never really stopped to take a breath and let us see this new world. Description is key in making your writing come alive. What does the air in this new world smell like, taste like? Is it thick with the smell of oil from flaming cars? Is it full of dust from fallen debris? Is it surprisingly sweet and fresh amidst all the death from where the grass and flowers have started to flourish in the fallen buildings? What is the world like at night? Nights really reveal a lot about a certain place or time; city nights are different to country nights, so what are these nights like? Can Sam hear animals, foragers, the wild humans hunting? Are there still birds and crickets and butterflies? Talk more about the inside of Sam’s van, since it seems so important to him. Does it have a carpet? What does it smell like? Does he have any of those dangly thingies hanging from the rearview mirror? What colour are the seats? Does it have AC? Is it hot, stuffy, draughty?


CLICHES AND PLAUSABILITY
You use clichéd phrases in your prose sometimes, but I pointed most of those out already. But going into a huge tirade before you’re going to kill someone is oldoldold. What’s the point, apart from obviously telling your readers stuff you couldn’t figure out how to show elsewhere? Why does Vince wait until they get to the supermarket to kill Sam? Why didn’t he shoot him when they first met and Sam was unsuspicious? Or when Sam’s driving the van and busy with the wheel?


I know a lot of what I’ve said may seem harsh, but it’s truly only meant to help. Everything needs work, it’s going through and editing and redrafting where the cool stuff comes out. I forget who said it, but “There is no good writing, only good rewriting”. Magical things happen in revision. PM or Wall me if you have any questions or if I was unclear on anything. :D

-twit






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Sun May 20, 2012 1:09 pm
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Blues wrote a review...



Hi, oNegativeZero!

I'm here to review as requested.

Impressions of the story: I like your idea! It seems like a very cool idea with The Sound and all the science stuff. I love that kind of thing as there are always things to learn. If this was a novel, I would've loved to read more. However, I do think that there are two main things that could be done that would improve the story.

There wasn't that much description in the story. It confused me in some areas as to where they were and what they were doing. For example:

I turned around to see a man in his late-twenties worried as hell about something.


A man who was extremely worried in his late 20s could look like anything. Did the frown on his face look like the cracks in a cliff? Did he remind the narrator of a fox because of his teeth or the shape of his face? A sentence would do, but that sentence could help us imagine him easier seeing as he is rather significant in the plot.

The setting too. Where were they? Were the streets long and tree lined like a boulevard in Paris? What about the caravan? What did that look like? The descriptions you did include were good, such as when you described her eyes as "dipped in sky blue dashed with fresh peppermint" and was vivid, but I felt like it hindered me from understanding where Sam was. Speaking of setting, were there any people there at all on Earth? Only a few? Many?



He smiled, “Sam come on I know when you’re lying.”

I was in disbelief, “Who are you?”

Confused he inched his name out as if I would try to guess it before he finished, “Vince, Vince Nolan?”

I shook my head, “Sorry.”

I opened the door to the driver side. I was done.

“I was your best man at your wedding two and half years ago.”

I stopped, “What?”


The bit in bold could all be one paragraph. Since there weren't many dialogue tags and that the speaker was doing things in a separate paragraph from what they say, it becomes confusing as to who is saying what and doing what, especially when he was talking to himself.

“I wish it didn’t have to come to this…” I griped my chest as the pain started to kick in.

My legs gave way as I slid onto the floor with the aisle’s shelf to my back.

“Sorry Sam for dragging you into this.”

I checked my watch, “What have I done?”

Voice getting horse, I waited with grudged patience.

“Come on. Come on.”

Watching my watch as the seconds grew longer didn’t help as my vision started to blur.

“Ah, there’s my ride.”

With breathless enthusiasm I took comfort in The Sound as it started up just as expected, right on time.

“I guess they found my note.”

Strength fading I looked up to the hole in the ceiling to watch the clouds pass each other by.

“Nothing will undo what we did to this world; nothing will change but now,” I looked over to Vince’s body, “now at least the suffering will stop, for the most part.”


That could become:

“I wish it didn’t have to come to this…” I griped my chest as the pain started to kick in. My legs gave way as I slid onto the floor with the aisle’s shelf to my back. “Sorry Sam for dragging you into this. What have I done?” I said, checking my watch.

Voice getting horse, I waited with grudged patience. “Come on. Come on.” Watching my watch as the seconds grew longer didn’t help as my vision started to blur. Ah, there’s my ride.”

With breathless enthusiasm I took comfort in The Sound as it started up just as expected, right on time. “I guess they found my note.”

Strength fading I looked up to the hole in the ceiling to watch the clouds pass each other by.

“Nothing will undo what we did to this world; nothing will change but now,” I looked over to Vince’s body, “now at least the suffering will stop, for the most part.”


It's much easier to read and understand now with fewer paragraphs.

Anyway! That's it from me and I have nothing else to say apart from: Don't forget to explain things! I hope my review helped and feel free to PM me with any questions you might have.

Keep writing - and well done! You've got a great story here :)

-Blues






Thanks so much for reviewing my story! As a first attempt at writing a complete short story I think I did alright. I've edited it so hopefully with the added detail it's a bit better now. Also thanks for pointing out the error with the paragraphs as I was unsure for the longest time on how to format whole thing. I just sort of winged it on that aspect. Anyways once again thank you!




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