z

Young Writers Society



TAKING OVER *updated*

by xLogan


TAKING OVER

INTRO:

I woke up a bit drowsy on this particular morning. Today, to many people's beliefs, was the last day of the human race: December 21st, 2012. I stretched as I slowly eased off my comfortable bed. I glanced around my bedroom and out of the window, expecting some type of horror scene, but to a somewhat surprise the day had just continued normally like the countless others that have passed throughout my life. I had made my way out of my cramped bedroom and into the living room where my parents were into a heated conversation that I could not keep up with nor had any ecstatic interest in. I sat down onto the poofy, leather couch and grabbed the remote control off of the glass table.

I flipped on the television ahead of me, drowning out my parents’ voices in my head. The president appeared upon the recently blank screen - making an important announcement, or so it seemed. "And...as I conclude, I declare myself president for life." After the announcement was concluded, there were several gasps from the television. My mind went in circles around the statement which I had just heard. The feeling that gloomed over me was like nothing I had ever experienced, and I sensed that my parents felt the same way – like an ominous cloud arriving upon the perfect day. The three of us remained frozen, sitting in expectation. I flipped through a few channels and the announcement was on repeat, broadcasting through each channel, almost like a scene from some type of end-of-the-world, cheesy film.

All of our eyes were glued to the TV screen. It hadn’t made sense to any of us what was prominently declared by our president; we all remained in awe of what had just became.

Soon enough, my mom was the first one to react – she stood up and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to get a grasp upon the situation as my father’s mouth dropped wide open.

“W-what do we do? What does this mean?” My mom asked, shaking as she began anxiously pacing throughout the room. “Where do we go from here?” The worry in her voice was quite noticeable as my father stood up to comfort her.

I reached for the remote I had set down and frantically switched from channel to channel but there was no change from what had appeared on the television screen. I got up from the couch and raced to the front door, opening it up.

“Dad, shouldn’t we stock up on food? S-should we prepare for this or what?” I asked, occasionally stuttering my words.

“He’s right, Heather,” he answered, also talking to my mom. “We need to go now; Heather, you stay here, lock all of the doors and try to figure out what is going on. I can’t believe this!”

“Okay,” she replied. She hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and dialed her own mom’s number from the home telephone.

“Son, put on your shoes, we need to leave immediately.”

I turned around in a hurry and jogged to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed as I slipped on my Nike’s, thinking this over in my head. What’s going to happen? This can’t be happening… My eyes began to water up as I left my bedroom.

“I’m ready.”

THE BEGINNING:

We left the house in a hurry; as we drove down the road and made it to the commercialized part of town, you could see disaster on its way. There were lines of vehicles waiting to get their supply of fuel, while you could see people frantically hollering, shouting, and panicking. We parked at the local mini-mart as close to the entrance as possible. The outside of the building was a light-brown color with mahogany bricks covering up the first few feet of the building, accenting it brilliantly.

I hopped down from the large compact vehicle, slamming the door after my feet hit the black-top of the parking lot. My father and I nearly jogged to the entrance of the store, and once we had entered a voice went over the intercom announcing that the store was closing soon. I looked around, noting the looks and worries I saw in other’s faces. The actions of other’s have always interested me. One woman was piling all of the packages of water bottles she could in her cart as it looked like she was having a mental breakdown.

I followed my dad to the canned good’s aisle, as I grabbed a cart on the way. There was a blonde-haired lady on her cell phone standing next to us. She was yelling into the phone and seemed a bit incoherent as she screeched, “What do you mean?!” repeatedly.

My dad grabbed cans of food at the handful until we collected at least $55 worth. We went on to get bottled water, frozen goods, vegetables, and returned back to the bottled water by the end of our journey. Once we had arrived to the check-out aisle, there was an elderly man in front of us getting his items checked out. He had several packages of poptarts, a few books, and some rope. My dad and I just looked at each other, trying to make light out of a horrible situation.

The lady at the register was in a hurry to scan all of our items, and you could tell she just wanted out of the store to return to her family in safety. She looked at us and asked, “So what do you think of this?”

“I don’t even know where to begin. I truly don’t… In all of my years on this Earth, I could have never imagined this,” my dad answered.

“I don’t know what to do! I have two children at home. What’s going to happen next?!” You could hear the fear in her voice as she continuously scanned our items.

“Maybe all we can do is wait it out… Stock up on food, and keep your children safe – that’s the number one thing.” I had realized my dad was always good at comforting others, even in situations like this. I always found myself a bit awkward when talking to others, but maybe there is just never anything to say?

The heavy-set lady scanned our last item as she said, “Well you be safe out there,” with a smile that almost hurt her to put on.

-----

Began this story years ago, added quite a lot and edited it quite a bit. Thoughts, ideas, and constructive criticism is wanted. :)


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Wed Mar 21, 2012 5:03 pm
RacheDrache wrote a review...



Hey, Logan, sorry for the delay! I get distracted too easily. Or perhaps I focus on other things too well. Regardless, I'm here now!

First, I just want to say.... ignore Ego. Please. Of course, you're welcome to ignore me too, but I disagree with nearly everything Ego said there, especially the way he went about saying, and naturally I think I'm right. :D

To me, everyone freaking out made sense to me. In fact, I think you actually give a rather realistic representation of what people actually might do if the president suddenly declared himself president for life. As Ego mentioned but apparently didn't bother to consider, the point is that US presidents aren't presidents for life, but this guy just declared himself one. The circumstances that could lead to such an event are actually kind of frightening, now that I think about it. Are we going to get to know more about the months leading up to the announcement in upcoming chapters, or was this really just out-of-the-blue?

Though I'm still a bit uneasy about you putting a time stamp on your work with the 12.21.2012 deal, the idea's growing on me slightly. I especially like that the narrator expected something bad to happen. Maybe not to a paranoid, extreme level, but rather to a normal person level. It gives him a certain youth, and there are other touches of this throughout the chapter that I really like. In fact, for once with first person, I get the feel that he really is a normal kid, in a normal family, living a normal life and until now boring life. I like that so very much, and hope it continues! But even if it doesn't, it'll be nice to finally have a narrator who doesn't just pretend to be a normal kid. (Yeah, they're usually these 'normal kids' who just happen to be the perfect person to save the world. Suuuuurrrre.)

Suffice it to say, I like this a lot, and I hope you continue.

In the realm of things I didn't like so much, the conversation with the checkout lady seemed a bit strange to me. After all, she'd been checking out hundreds of other people before our family gets there, so why is it that she chooses now to get out all her worries? It's a bit convenient for you as a writer, having a sort of sounding board figure to get the worries out there in the open. But, you could make it work. The narrator mentioned his father being a sort of people person (I loved loved loved the narrator's line about not knowing what to say. Amped up characterization about fifty times in one small beautiful line.), so maybe if the dad here asks how she's doing, being the sort of friendly, caring type he is? I could easily imagine most other customers just getting in and out, not talking much.

I also still think you could expand that beginning scene somewhat, and have him sit on the couch and zone out the television and his parents for longer, musing about the alien invasions and massive floods that never happened. Otherwise, it seems convenient that he turns the TV on right then. If he zones the TV out, then the reader can assume that before the president gave this final announcement, there was lots of speech going on. And maybe, after the gasps, the screen can suddenly turn off?

Sooooo, in sum, I like this loads, and hope you continue, and disagree with Ego in almost every bit of what he said and I hope you ignore him. Let me know if you have any questions, and if you'd be so kind as to leave a link to the next post on my Wall???

Rach




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Sat Mar 17, 2012 9:36 am
Ego wrote a review...



Hello, Logan.

As requested.

Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitely stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.

I woke up a bit drowsy on this particular morning.

Not a fan of this opening line at all. Boring, unimportant--which can work, but only if it’s interesting, too. If you’re going for the pointless-detail-as-an-opener route, make it something interesting and clever.

Today, to many people's beliefs, was the last day of the human race: December 21st, 2012. I stretched as I slowly eased off my bed.

You can find an adjective that describes this--Hell, “eased” might be adequate, and just remove “slowly.”

I glanced around my bedroom and out of the window, expecting some type of horror scene, but to a somewhat surprise the day had just continued normally like the countless others that have passed throughout my life.

Really surprised? Your character honestly expected the world to end?

I had made my way out of my cramped bedroom and into the living room where my parents were into a heated conversation that I could not keep up with nor had any ecstatic interest in.

Totally the wrong word here. Ecstatic interest? Doubtful.

I sat down onto the poofy, leather couch and grabbed the remote control off of the glass table.

Of is unnecessary here.

The president appeared upon the recently blank screen - making an important announcement, or so it seemed. "And...as I conclude, I declare myself president for life."

Eh...not something a politician would say. Also, not how our government works, assuming you’re in the US.

After the announcement was concluded, there were several gasps from the television.

Gasps, or questions? Typically, Presidential announcements are made in front of a live media congregation.

“W-what do we do? What does this mean?” My mom asked, shaking as she began anxiously pacing throughout the room. “Where do we go from here?” The worry in her voice was quite noticeable as my father stood up to comfort her.

I fail to see why this announcement would insight this reaction, unless your president is a fascist. Establish WHY this is a bad thing beforehand. For all we know, this president could be ushering in an era of Utopian paradise.

I reached for the remote I had set down and frantically switched from channel to channel but there was no change from what had appeared on the television screen.

Said this already.

“Dad, shouldn’t we stock up on food?"
The guy said he’d be president for life, not that the world was ending -.-

I could continue to make snarky comments to the rest of this, but they’d be all the same. I’m wondering if it’s all intentional, and truly hoping it is, because right now it looks like a ridiculous overreaction to a relatively mild comment. If it’s intentional, you need to make it clearer--as is, your message is not clear. If it’s not, you really, really need to give us something that’s worth panicking about.

In sum.
On second read, this seems to be tongue-in-cheek, but it reads genuinely. You need to have the characters express their concerns more for it to be interpreted as a satire. Right now, it's just panic.

--D




xLogan says...


Yes, my character honestly expected the world to end, and I don't really see how that is significant, honestly. Obviously a president declaring himself president for life is not a great thing, inciting a dictatorship and I imagine people would panic. I should probably clear this up a bit and I am very aware that's not how government works (lol). Anyway, thanks. Not the review I was really looking for but I feel as if I should ditch this story now.




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg