Hey, Logan, sorry for the delay! I get distracted too easily. Or perhaps I focus on other things too well. Regardless, I'm here now!
First, I just want to say.... ignore Ego. Please. Of course, you're welcome to ignore me too, but I disagree with nearly everything Ego said there, especially the way he went about saying, and naturally I think I'm right.
To me, everyone freaking out made sense to me. In fact, I think you actually give a rather realistic representation of what people actually might do if the president suddenly declared himself president for life. As Ego mentioned but apparently didn't bother to consider, the point is that US presidents aren't presidents for life, but this guy just declared himself one. The circumstances that could lead to such an event are actually kind of frightening, now that I think about it. Are we going to get to know more about the months leading up to the announcement in upcoming chapters, or was this really just out-of-the-blue?
Though I'm still a bit uneasy about you putting a time stamp on your work with the 12.21.2012 deal, the idea's growing on me slightly. I especially like that the narrator expected something bad to happen. Maybe not to a paranoid, extreme level, but rather to a normal person level. It gives him a certain youth, and there are other touches of this throughout the chapter that I really like. In fact, for once with first person, I get the feel that he really is a normal kid, in a normal family, living a normal life and until now boring life. I like that so very much, and hope it continues! But even if it doesn't, it'll be nice to finally have a narrator who doesn't just pretend to be a normal kid. (Yeah, they're usually these 'normal kids' who just happen to be the perfect person to save the world. Suuuuurrrre.)
Suffice it to say, I like this a lot, and I hope you continue.
In the realm of things I didn't like so much, the conversation with the checkout lady seemed a bit strange to me. After all, she'd been checking out hundreds of other people before our family gets there, so why is it that she chooses now to get out all her worries? It's a bit convenient for you as a writer, having a sort of sounding board figure to get the worries out there in the open. But, you could make it work. The narrator mentioned his father being a sort of people person (I loved loved loved the narrator's line about not knowing what to say. Amped up characterization about fifty times in one small beautiful line.), so maybe if the dad here asks how she's doing, being the sort of friendly, caring type he is? I could easily imagine most other customers just getting in and out, not talking much.
I also still think you could expand that beginning scene somewhat, and have him sit on the couch and zone out the television and his parents for longer, musing about the alien invasions and massive floods that never happened. Otherwise, it seems convenient that he turns the TV on right then. If he zones the TV out, then the reader can assume that before the president gave this final announcement, there was lots of speech going on. And maybe, after the gasps, the screen can suddenly turn off?
Sooooo, in sum, I like this loads, and hope you continue, and disagree with Ego in almost every bit of what he said and I hope you ignore him. Let me know if you have any questions, and if you'd be so kind as to leave a link to the next post on my Wall???
Rach
Points: 17359
Reviews: 253
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