Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: SOo..this is a very interesting choice for the start of a story, absolutely functions as a bit of a hook but also strangely final here, it doesn't feel much like a beginning or at least not if this is all..there should be a tiny bit more sense of something that needs to happen or this chapter doesn't feel like it has another one coming after it...this seems more suited to a prologue. Well anyway, more details on all that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The city streets around me swirled into chaos. Pedestrians were sprinting in all directions, on the sidewalk, through buildings, even in the middle of the street. They were screaming various things, like “Get the out of my way!”, “What the is that?”, and “That son of a is coming!”, everyone trying to either escape the inevitable or to find their loved ones. Cars sped through stop signs, ramming into each other, showing clear disregards for the most basic traffic laws. They were not accepting reality, something I had already done. Or, maybe, they just didn’t know the sheer force of what was about to happen. Looking down at my watch, it read ‘0:57’, counting down by the second.
Well, looks like this story is going to start off in the middle of some kind of attack of some sorts here, judging by the way that people all appear to be in some sort of hurry to get away from something. The fact that our main character appears to know more than most and seems to have kind of accepted their fate quietly here certainly creates and interesting contrast that gets your attention.
I looked at Charmaine, my girlfriend, and held her beautifully exquisite hand. She turned her head to face mine, and we locked eyes. We came closer together, and as I touched her back, I leaned my head forward to touch her warm lips with mine. Her beautiful, long brown hair blew in the wind as an enormous gust blew through the streets, coming onto contact with my skin. As we kissed, the chaos continued around us, cars got into wrecks, and men got into fist fights during their final hour.
Okay...severe change in tone, you might want to be careful with making this too jarring by accident, but I do love how you've managed to short of depict a very calm center with these two in the middle of a chaotic storm. Also "beautifully exquisite" reads as a very awkward pair of adjectives here.
Pulling away from my kiss with Charmaine, I stared into her beautiful, blue eyes. “I love you, Jake,” she whispered to me. Despite the insanity unfolding around us, I still heard her as if we were in my home. I whispered the amazing words back to her, and glanced quickly at my watch again: ‘0:03’. Was I ready to die? No, I wasn’t ready yet, I had so much of my life ahead of me. I was only 17, a Junior in High School, I had just taken to SAT for college application. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Charmaine, I really loved her, she was the most amazing girl I had ever met. I had accepted fate, though, there was nothing left I could do to escape death, so I wanted to accept it while spending my last few moments of life with my girlfriend.
Hmm, definitely doesn't appear to be someone that would usually have any kind of extra knowledge, so perhaps this is some kind of relatively public that this person has just accepted while the rest of these people have not...it also appears the girlfriend here has done the same here. Its an interesting thing to consider here and a bit sad now cause it looks as if there's only one possible inevitable outcome here that this person's preparing for.
I gave Charmaine one last hug, at the last second either of us could do anything. Then, as if fate had said we were done, I heard the loudest explosion I had ever heard, it was as if someone had set off a nuclear bomb right next to my ear. Only, I felt it this time, unlike any movie I had ever watched, I was the one dying this time. An intense, sharp pain struck every part of my body, and sunk quickly through it to reach everywhere inside my body. The split second agony quickly faded, and before I knew it my sight had gone away, I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything, and slowly, I began to not be able to think anything.
Welll...hmm, interesting choice of start for a first chapter...unless these two miraculously survive somehow this seems like its more fitting for a prologue, but hmm, so even though its not directly stated, it does seem to apply that we've got a bit of a nuclear bomb here...and in tha case...this is relatively accurate, if this person is close enough to the bomb to fully hear its explosion and be instantly killed, its certainly not a pretty sight and most likely something that you wouldn't feel at all, but the split seconds described are close enough...and certainly get the point across.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a really interesting piece you have here. For the most part its an effective first chapter, but it is missing a couple of things that I feel like are kind of important first chapter like I mentioned above, as a prologue on the contrary this would be awesome.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4102
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