Hey there UpAndOut!
It took me a couple of days but I’m here with the review! I’ll get straight to the point.
I like the idea and the style of this prologue. While it doesn’t reveal too much about the actual story it does a nice job of introducing the reader to some of the main characters and the setting. It’s pretty intriguing and has an element of mystery there, making the reader want to read on. In summary, I really liked it – but I definitely think that it could do with a little changing and editing to make the entire thing smoother and more vivid.
I agree with Pink that the description in this could be worked on. I really liked some of it, but it seems that in some places you’ve added description the story doesn’t really need, slowing the pace of that part. Other parts I would like more description of – the transformation, for example. It seems odd to me, for one thing, that the infant’s parents – and surely the infant itself – did not wake up or even stir. Perhaps you could change that a little so that they at least show some signs of life at one point or another. Maybe the parents stir so that the man is afraid that they may wake up and see him, or the baby starts crying as they fly? Throughout the entire thing the baby showed barely any signs of life, and this makes him seem very unanimated.
I’m also slightly confused about the relationship between the older boy and his father. It seems at first that the father is quite fond of him, but later it seems like he doesn’t care about him all that much and is quite happy to leave him by the side-lines – it would be good if you could work on clarifying their relationship just a little more. This could be done by just adding in a little more about the actions, thoughts and feelings of both the father and the boy when they are around each other.
This may just be me, but the idea of three creatures in human form lying down in a nest of nettles just seems a little odd. I immediately thought of stinging nettles and wondered how the man could not worry about the baby’s safety among them.
I didn’t actually notice many spelling errors, but there were a couple of typing errors. Other than the one that’s already been pointed out:
With one flap of his wings, the beat is soaring, his talons ripping away from the tower with a faint scratching sound.
Should “beat” be “beast”?
I also noticed a couple of instances in which you used a past tense verb when it really should have all been in present tense. Again, I only noticed this once or twice. All these things, as long as the little snippets of description which sound a little odd, can all be easily edited if you carefully read through it a few times.
Finally, the ending.
[quote] The little boy sits up in his nest, stealing a glance at his father. He wonders why again. Why had his father replaced him? Why was a prince in his old nest? Why wouldn’t his father let him get a better look at the baby?
But most importantly…why did he get the feeling it would not go according to plan? [quote]
To be honest, I’m not so keen on this ending paragraph – the questions seem pretty pointless. They seem roughly written, somehow, and don’t really tell the reader all that much. Of course not everything is going to go to plan. I can see that you want to show how the boy feels and what he is thinking, though. I suggest that you either leave it at the line about revenge, or replace the section above with a more fluid, in the moment line explaining that the boy watched the infant, confused and wondering about what was going on. The reader should be asking those questions themselves by the point you’ve written them – you don’t need to write them directly!
Still, although this could be worked on quite a bit and made into an even better, more fluid piece, I did like the style and the glimpses of the story beginning to emerge in this. The style is steady and mysterious, although it could be even more so if you worked on the fluidity, and the story is intriguing and I’m interested to find out what’s going to happen with it next. Just make sure to try and keep everything in the moment without giving anything away too soon – make the reader feel as though they are really there. Try and draw us into the story even more, make us as eager to find out what is going on as the older boy, as eager to learn what happens next as the man.
Keep going with this – it’s coming along nicely and with time and work you’ll just improve!
~MorningMist~
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
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