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Young Writers Society



Travia - Prologue

by TheClosetKidnapper


*** This is the prologue to a new project I'm working on. I kind of hope I can finish this one... Anyway, any comments/criticism would be much appreciated! ***

Cloaked in the chilling black of the night sky, the scaled beast beats his gigantic winds in silence. His talons scrape against the castle tower as his golden eyes peer into the sole window.

A bed enormous enough for him is stationed in the center, resting against one wall. Two unmoving lumps break the smooth surface of the mammoth blanket, unaware of the creature which shifts until resembling a human. The man slips through the window and sets his eyes on the wooden crib in the corner.

Careful not to wake the mountains on the bed, he stalks towards the corner, bending the shadows to cover him. He stops just before the crib, glancing back at the snoring beings. The coast is clear, he assures himself, calmly gazing into the cradle. A small face about the size of his hand, chubby around the cheekbones, peers up at him, eyes closed as it dreams peacefully of cloudless blue skies and lush green meadows. The man almost smiles, reminded of his own son at that age.

He scoops up the infant into his arms and hurries back to the window, sneaking out as silent as he had slipped in. A young boy, no older than seven, is in wait. The man gently hands the baby over, advising the boy to keep his head propped up in his elbow. Then he shifts, becoming the scaled beast he preferred to be. Cradling the tiny creature, the boy climbs atop his father’s back and sits strategically in between the winds, tying the leather strap over his lap as instructed prior to the sun’s setting.

With one flap of his wings, the beat is soaring, his talons ripping away from the tower with a faint scratching sound. The young boy smiles dreamily, the crisp night air caressing his face as his father flew. He wishes to have wings like that when he’s grown so he could be as agile, as quick.

His eyes set on the bundle in his arms, studying the face shielded from wind. Before he can make the promises he had thought up nights prior, his father lands, shifts, and brings his tiny feet to the ground, stealing the baby back in his thick, muscular arms. The boy pouts, trailing behind as the man leads him back to their home; a cave deep in the forest, hidden from slayers and knights of the kingdom.

Safe.

Inside, there lay three nests made out of nettles from trees at the top of the mountain above, each big enough for a dragon to sleep in. The man sets the infant in the smallest, closest to the largest. Still pouting, the boy plops in the other, closer to the entrance, and watches as his father rewraps the bundle.

“What’s his name?” He asks, desperate for attention.

“Prince Reuben.” His father gruffly responds, a tint of annoyance in his voice.

The boy smiles, repeating the name to feel how smoothly it rolled off the tongue. “I like that one.”

His father hushes him, curling up in his own nest as the scaled beast once again. Tired, he dares to shut his eyes, facing the direction of the baby. They snap back open moments later, his elegantly crafted ears perking up at the sound of movement. His son had sneaked across the cavern to peek at the child. The father sighs and the boy turns to him, scurrying back to his own nest, knowing exactly what the soft grunt meant.

Inside the father’s mind, he begins plotting. The boy will grow up as one of us. He will learn strength, courage, and bravery- something every leader must know. He shall replace the corrupted King, claiming power to the crown, and become the puppet in my most brilliant scheme Travia has ever known.

He smiles, prying one eye open to gaze at the infant.

Yes, he muses, he will be my revenge.

The little boy sits up in his nest, stealing a glance at his father. He wonders why again. Why had his father replaced him? Why was a prince in his old nest? Why wouldn’t his father let him get a better look at the baby?

But most importantly…why did he get the feeling it would not go according to plan?


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Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:21 pm
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Niebla wrote a review...



Hey there UpAndOut!

It took me a couple of days but I’m here with the review! I’ll get straight to the point.

I like the idea and the style of this prologue. While it doesn’t reveal too much about the actual story it does a nice job of introducing the reader to some of the main characters and the setting. It’s pretty intriguing and has an element of mystery there, making the reader want to read on. In summary, I really liked it – but I definitely think that it could do with a little changing and editing to make the entire thing smoother and more vivid.

I agree with Pink that the description in this could be worked on. I really liked some of it, but it seems that in some places you’ve added description the story doesn’t really need, slowing the pace of that part. Other parts I would like more description of – the transformation, for example. It seems odd to me, for one thing, that the infant’s parents – and surely the infant itself – did not wake up or even stir. Perhaps you could change that a little so that they at least show some signs of life at one point or another. Maybe the parents stir so that the man is afraid that they may wake up and see him, or the baby starts crying as they fly? Throughout the entire thing the baby showed barely any signs of life, and this makes him seem very unanimated.

I’m also slightly confused about the relationship between the older boy and his father. It seems at first that the father is quite fond of him, but later it seems like he doesn’t care about him all that much and is quite happy to leave him by the side-lines – it would be good if you could work on clarifying their relationship just a little more. This could be done by just adding in a little more about the actions, thoughts and feelings of both the father and the boy when they are around each other.

This may just be me, but the idea of three creatures in human form lying down in a nest of nettles just seems a little odd. I immediately thought of stinging nettles and wondered how the man could not worry about the baby’s safety among them.

I didn’t actually notice many spelling errors, but there were a couple of typing errors. Other than the one that’s already been pointed out:

With one flap of his wings, the beat is soaring, his talons ripping away from the tower with a faint scratching sound.


Should “beat” be “beast”?

I also noticed a couple of instances in which you used a past tense verb when it really should have all been in present tense. Again, I only noticed this once or twice. All these things, as long as the little snippets of description which sound a little odd, can all be easily edited if you carefully read through it a few times.

Finally, the ending.

[quote] The little boy sits up in his nest, stealing a glance at his father. He wonders why again. Why had his father replaced him? Why was a prince in his old nest? Why wouldn’t his father let him get a better look at the baby?

But most importantly…why did he get the feeling it would not go according to plan? [quote]

To be honest, I’m not so keen on this ending paragraph – the questions seem pretty pointless. They seem roughly written, somehow, and don’t really tell the reader all that much. Of course not everything is going to go to plan. I can see that you want to show how the boy feels and what he is thinking, though. I suggest that you either leave it at the line about revenge, or replace the section above with a more fluid, in the moment line explaining that the boy watched the infant, confused and wondering about what was going on. The reader should be asking those questions themselves by the point you’ve written them – you don’t need to write them directly!

Still, although this could be worked on quite a bit and made into an even better, more fluid piece, I did like the style and the glimpses of the story beginning to emerge in this. The style is steady and mysterious, although it could be even more so if you worked on the fluidity, and the story is intriguing and I’m interested to find out what’s going to happen with it next. Just make sure to try and keep everything in the moment without giving anything away too soon – make the reader feel as though they are really there. Try and draw us into the story even more, make us as eager to find out what is going on as the older boy, as eager to learn what happens next as the man.

Keep going with this – it’s coming along nicely and with time and work you’ll just improve!

~MorningMist~




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Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:03 am
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FlowerPower wrote a review...



oh to counteract how you kinda gave away the story in the last sentence you can start the story from an earlier point in time then go back to the point where he's on the castle. like have the people being oppressed then later on bring the whole kidnapping.




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Sat Feb 18, 2012 2:50 am
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FlowerPower wrote a review...



It sounds very interesting and I can't wait for a story to come out of this. But before I would watch your spelling.




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Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:38 pm
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Shearwater wrote a review...



Hi there, Up&Out! Thanks for the request!

Firstly, I'll start by saying that you have a pretty nice style of writing. It's not perfect but it's unique in a sense. However, there are still a few things that you can improve on to strengthen it. Also, this story seems interesting, although the plot may be a tad cliche, it's still got a strong start to it.

I'm going to start with a few quotes that I think you should take a better look at:

the scaled beast beats his gigantic winds in silence.

I have a feeling that winds is supposed to be wings? Winds don't exactly beat, right?

Careful not to wake the mountains on the bed, he stalks towards the corner,

I cannot be sure what you meant by mountains on the bed.

A small face about the size of his hand, chubby around the cheekbones, peers up at him, eyes closed as it dreams peacefully of cloudless blue skies and lush green meadows.

This makes it seem like the dragon-man, as I'm going to call him, knows that this little baby is dreaming of cloudless blue skies and green meadows and that can't be true unless he can read minds or something. Simply interjecting "as if" before "he dreams peacefully" makes the different.
-In addition to this quote, I think you should use the pronoun 'he' instead of 'it'. The baby does have a gender.

Okay, one thing I do want to mention about this prologue is that it's a bit too telly. Try to work on your description a little so it feels more light and fluid. For some reason, a few of the sentence selections in here made it seem a little heavy to read. Also, you did have a repetitive word, such as "Prior" which you used often enough that I noticed it while reading.

I do have a question but I'm sure you'll expand on this if you post more chapters but, how are these transformations going? I feel like he's a beast, as in a dragon and then a scaly human when he's not but I can't be sure if the human side has wings or not. It's a little confusing since it seems like you had a specific idea about these forms.

Alright, last but not least and the most important thing I want to say is that you basically gave away the entire plot in one sentence in the prologue! DUN. DUN. DUN!
Yes, I would take it out and leave it at something with revenge but not the whole plan. Also, you could cut out the 'not going according to plan' part because that is a given, no plot in a story ever really goes according to plan, does it? lol.

Overall, this does have promise but it'll need to be dusted off and edited a little. Hopefully this review helped and you were able to see some things in your writing in a new light. If you have any further questions, shoot me a PM or scribble on my wall, I'll be happy to help! ^^

All the best,
-Pink Ranger




FlowerPower says...


oh to counteract how you kinda gave away the story in the last sentence you can start the story from an earlier point in time then go back to the point where he's on the castle. like have the people being oppressed then later on bring the whole kidnapping.




I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling