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Young Writers Society



Crazy

by Emmzziee


Just give me a reason
For letting you ruin my sanity.
I took it all away from you
But now you know where you stand.


I still hear voices in the rain.
Tantum ergo sacramentum.
For all of my pain and anguish,
These words really are quite innocent.

There's an uneven lapse of not knowing, here;
These softly spoken words in the air,
You don't understand. But you easily fear.
But they're beautiful words.

Try not to judge my illusions,
When you read these words again.
Just listen to the music, 
And let me sing some pain. 

These words were sung softly, sweetly, down my ear.
Let them wash over you too.
I heard them in the rain. I understood. 
I knew you wouldn't.
Just then remember to forget what you see again,
For my world is full of more pain and suffering than you can understand.

I can't stay here.
I'm selfish for wanting to run,
But in death, for me, 
My life can't goes on.


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User avatar
91 Reviews


Points: 12142
Reviews: 91

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Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:27 pm
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Wolferion wrote a review...



Cheers! =) Here as asked, so let's get cracking. I've put your poem in the spoiler with my commentaries.

Spoiler! :
Just give me a reason
For letting you ruin my sanity.
I took it all away from you
But now you know where you stand.
- Quite dark right off the bat. I don't have trouble understanding this, however, it feels like simply four sentences that have been positioned below each other. There's little flow, it doesn't give an impression of a poem.

I still hear voices in the rain.
Tantum ergo sacramentum.
For all of my pain and anguish,
These words really are quite innocent.
- Latin, ey =) I wish this had better flow though, it's ruining the magic this poem could have; it's just not that intriguing to read, you know.

There's an uneven lapse of not knowing, here;
These softly spoken words in the air,
You don't understand. But you easily fear.
But they're beautiful words.
- I think I know why people sometimes do not understand what you want to say or show - you're being rather abstract without any solid hints. While I pick up some and I'm not exactly lost, I'm not exactly sure I'm getting the right picture though - and it might be worse for others.

As about the flow, it seems to have somewhat improved, but the last verse is breaking it a lot. Rewording or using adverbs like 'such' make a lot of difference - in the tone, in length, in the flow.


Try not to judge my illusions,
When you read these words again.
Just listen to the music,
And let me sing some pain.
- Well, here the flow is somewhat 'smooth' and easier to understand too, but the reader might be already lost in your abstractness.

These words were sung softly, sweetly, down my ear.
Let them wash over you too.
I heard them in the rain. I understood.
I knew you wouldn't.
Just then remember to forget what you see again,
For my world is full of more pain and suffering than you can understand.
- Prose in poetry, alright. Shamefully, not well executed. I just can't feel any impressed nor interested in rereading this, remembering this. It's a shame, really; there's just no magic nor impact, even though the message is heavy.

I can't stay here.
I'm selfish for wanting to run,
But in death, for me,
My life can't goes on.
-Oh I hope you mistyped 'goes' in the last verse. In comparison to the all previous stanza, this is closer to the whole 'impress, intrigue, smooth read, flow' I've been talking about. It's a fairly good ending too, so not much to nitpick.


To sum it up, I think your whole problem with prople not understanding you is your abstractness. You don't just make it really abstract, but the wording at times makes it even more difficult, the broken flow and prose-ish feeling doesn't help much either. It's a shame really, this could have been a poem with a clear deep message and leave an impact/impression in others, but the potential/magic is killed there; however, that means there's a way to improve and it's within your grasp - if you try for it. Try reading 'Hollow Lands' from Thomas Stearns Eliot, might give you some ideas =) Get better for sure! It'd be a vain to stop after going this far.

Best regards,
~Kyou




User avatar
120 Reviews


Points: 444
Reviews: 120

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Fri Feb 10, 2012 11:21 pm
Emmzziee says...



PLEASE, SOMEBODY, TELL ME THAT YOU UNDERSTOOD THIS ;D NOBODY understands my poetry anymore.
LOL,
Emmzziee
xD!!





There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green