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Young Writers Society



Hunted

by NicholasStone


Prologue

Obadiah Hall had no intention of relaxing today. His plans were much too active, too exciting. Sleeping was out of the question for the next 24 hours or so. He adjusted his spectacles and grasped the bronze doorknob of his private quarters. He stroked his long beard as he marched down a long, metallic hallway, muttering to himself. He had been planning this day for over a year, each day in that year having it’s own intricate details and aspects.

But what he was doing only himself and a few other close friends knew, not even the hired hands knew entirely. As he neared the end of the hallway, he threw his wool coat on, and adjusted his black gloves. Each step he took- in his opinion- marked a closer step towards the making of history. But not just any history. Normal history happens every day, in the life of a typical human being. His history was legends about to be unfolded.

Obadiah Hall was something of a legend himself. He was a legend and a mystery at the same time. After getting expelled from Harvard for performing violent experiments, he disappeared for some time, and then resurfaced by starting his electronics business: Spark Electronics. But, like so many other businesses, the stock market had treated it badly, and so did the public. So the small company had reduced to even smaller, and was virtually unknown.

But Obadiah hall was not one to be trifled with. His company slunk into the shadows, but it seemed that the elusive CEO was taking out minor cases of revenge on the few buyers that he got; reports of defective tablets and cell phones came in every day. Some more serious reports involved the subject getting a 20-volt shock. However, his businesses had almost nothing to do with this tremendous day. This was quite different.

He could hear voices coming through the steel door ahead of him, and he smirked. His board was active. They would serve a good audience. True, even a bored audience would have been instantly captivated by the fascinations he would soon speak about. His board, being a particularly demanding one, would soon be overly satisfied.

He threw open the large doors, and was instantly enveloped in a bright light. Standard procedure, granted, but that did not prevent it from being somewhat pesky. As the light probed him for weapons and explosive items, and confirmed his identity, he went over in his head the speech he was about to give. The individuals in the next room were in for a surprise.

A high-pitched beeping noise let him know that he was safe to enter. As the light dimmed, he quickly glanced around the room. The walls- Platinum coated, as he preferred -were shiny and clean, due to the hard work of the janitors. Diamond chandeliers hung from the detailed ceiling, depicting a strange scene of seven adolescent boys smashing mechanical humanoids. The picture never failed to anger Obadiah. Twelve people were seated at the enormous Redwood table, each holding their own P.I.T. (Personal Information Tablet), looking at Mr. Hall expectantly.

He narrowed his eyes, looked from person to person, the proceeded to his chair at the head of the table. He placed the tips of his fingers on the table, and cleared his throat.

“Welcome,” He said, keeping a consistent impassive look on his face. “I congratulate all of you for being here. It brings joy to my old heart to see you all, one last time.”

Interested looks went wild around the table. So many questions would be running through their heads. Who would the company go to, would he sell the company to someone else, or was he just firing all of them? Obadiah resisted the urge to smile. He must remain calm and composed until the time came.

“I am officially separating myself from the company, so now all of you will have to deal without me.” He continued. There was no denying that most of his board was very pleased to have him leave, most of them were greedy and would do almost anything to become CEO.

“But before I go, I am revealing a whole series of world-changing ideas, that I am positively sure will interest you.” Pause. This seemed like a horribly bad idea, sharing amazing designs, probably very profitable too, right before exiting. An air of confusion and curiosity settled over the room, leaving no head untouched. All twelve board members stared incredulously at Mr. Hall, possibly probing his mind for a reason.

“If you will now start up your P.I.T.s, I will continue.” The sound of devices turning on filled the room; whirring noises bounced off walls. When all the members in the room had their devices on, Mr. Hall went on.

“If you go to your documents folder, you will find a document labeled, 'Last Ideas'. Open it.” Everyone did so, and as soon as they did, shocked expressions appeared on their faces. He had taken much time on these designs and plans, and this reaction was expected, even anticipated. The board members flipped through the ideas rapidly, growing more and more horrified by each idea. Obadiah risked a smile.

One member slammed his P.I.T. down on the table, shattering the glass screen. He was a large man, and had a braided red beard, but the top of his head was bald. He cracked his knuckles. “This is outrageous!” He exclaimed loudly. “This is illegal and will get the company shut down, and all of us arrested!”

Obadiah frowned. He took pride in his projects, and did not appreciate having his work insulted. “I assure you, anyone who attempts to arrest me will be immediately... stopped. I am perfectly safe.”

That didn't make the man pleased. “You? You will be safe? Of course you will! You're leaving the company, but what about us? You expect us to use these ideas and get away with it?” Obadiah took a small step backwards.

“I never said I was leaving the company,” Obadiah said softly. “Only that I am separating myself from it.”

“What's the difference?” Replied the red-haired man, glowering at Obadiah. Obadiah took a moment to think carefully. After choosing his words carefully, he responded, “The difference... Is that you, the board, are the company, while I, the humble CEO, just commands you. So I am separating myself from you... But the company cannot survive without a CEO, so therefore, the company is finished.”

“A new CEO will be easily placed.” The man replied angrily. “So now that you have left, I am vacating you from the premises. This is property of Spark, and you are now trespassing.” He motioned pointed to the door. Obadiah lingered for a moment, than casually shrugged, and silently withdraw-ed from the room. He would come back shortly. He knew that for certain.

The meeting was much shorter than he had expected, but and cautiously worried about how long they would stay in that room. They had to remain there long enough for him to get to the control room. He hastened down an extensive hallway, knowing he had mere minutes before they adjourned the meeting. He struggled to keep a steady pace, and not break into a sprint. He should walk quickly, but never sprint. The doctor warned him about not getting his heart rate up too high.

One of the many things the board members did not know, is that they were not even on company land. Obadiah owned the building, not Spark Electronics. So that meant that he could legally command them to exit, but he chose to keep that information to himself. He turned a corner, hastening his pace as he saw the light from the control room. He walked in and immediately commanded them to lock room 3B.

“Under no circumstances are they to get out! Keep them in that room!” He yelled, and made his way to a camera. “Feed this straight to that room,” He instructed, turning on the camera. “And to their P.I.T.s.”

The camera turned green, and the control board man gave him a thumbs up, signaling him to go. Obadiah put on a cheerful smile and looked into the camera. “Hello again!” He said gleefully. “If you have tried to leave that room, you will notice that you were instantly stopped. The doors are bolted, and armed with electricity. So do not attempt.

“I am going to conduct my experiments, with or without you. Now it will apparently without.” He chuckled at himself. “Maybe I should continue where we left off. If you look at the files on your tablets, and go to the last three, you will find those the most horrific. Look at them, and marvel at my genius.”

He waited for thirty seconds, then picked up again. “Human experimentation. Terrible, graphic, and you will not be a part of it. I'm sorry, but I have other plans for you.” He motioned to the board guy, who pressed a button. He glanced at the camera and flashed them a very scary grin. “Poison gas.” He said slowly, waving his head side to side for no apparent reason. “You have one minute to live. Maybe you'll regret turning my offer down.”

Or even listen to it... He thought. He waved a rapid goodbye, and shut off the camera. He took slow steps over to the board guy. He placed a hand on the man's shoulder, and the fellow broke out in sweat. “What?” Asked Obadiah, mocking a sweet tone. “Do I scare you?” As it was a rhetorical question, the man didn't respond.

“Now,” Obadiah said, relishing the moment. “Have you activated the portals?” The man answered with a quick nod. Obadiah smiled. So far, everything was going as planned. The board, dead, but it was easier that way. And his old enemies would soon be returning to finish their little game, even if they should have no memory of the last one.

“Good,” He said. “They will be here shortly.” He trotted out of the door, but then he turned on the spot and asked, “You at the board!” The man turned and motioned to himself. “Yes, you, I have a question.” The man raised his hands as if to say, ask away.

“How long is the bladder of a twelve to fourteen year-old boy?”

The question bewildered the man, but then he understood why he was asking the question, and shrugged.

“Does two or three hours sound right?”

The man shrugged again. Obadiah nodded thoughtfully, and left.


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14 Reviews


Points: 1302
Reviews: 14

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Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:27 am
SkyeDragon wrote a review...



Hey Nick,
here's a quick review for your story. The first thing I noticed was that you were starting some sentences with 'and' or 'but'. Rule #1 , try to avoid starting sentences with those words, ESPECIALLY with reports or essays. Not only would you get a better grade, (some teachers might take off points for that) but it would allow you to broaden your mind. What I mean is using different words, not only would it expand your vocabulary, but it would also impress your readers. Second, I noticed sentence fragments, one of your sentences was two words long. Which is another chance to use different words. Besides that, just a few errors, grammar-wise, but other than that, great start!




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Points: 1685
Reviews: 7

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Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:42 pm
gateway88 wrote a review...



Hi!
So, I'm going to jump right in.
Firstly, I liked your opening paragraph, however, I thought that your first line could do with a little work. The first line of any piece of writing is meant to engage the reader, and so, maybe, instead of focusing on the 'relaxation', maybe try to concentrate on the chaos or the excitement of the day. I thought that some of your sentences though, could do with being extended, just by adding little words. For example "True, even a bored audience would have been instantly captivated by the fascinations he would soon speak about" could become "True, even a bored audience would have been instantly captivated by the fascinations he would soon be speaking of". It just makes your writing a bit more sophisticated, without becoming too complex. Also, I'd maybe try to vary the range of punctuation- I noticed that you used a lot of commas so maybe try to include soem semi colons or something, just to give the reader a bit of variation.
Your first few paragraphs built nicely up to the action that followed though, and your writing style carried the action along really well. I liked the way that a lot of the language you used seemed to be a little average- this meant that the plot didn't get too bogged down in word-y descriptions and also meant that when you used some beautifully crafted language techniques, they had a much more powerful impact.
I haven't really noticed anything else to comment on that hasn't already been spoken for, so, overall, a really strong piece of writing! :)




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66 Reviews


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Sat Feb 04, 2012 5:18 pm
Angelreader77 wrote a review...



Hey there!
Here to review~
Nice prologue you've got there. I'm hoping you're continuing. ;)
This is a great prologue. It has just enough suspense in it to keep the reader reading. You've made the reader ask enough questions without giving to many answers. :)
Now, grammatically, this correct. I found absolutely no mistakes at that point.
Your opening sentence:- Not that it was bad, but you could make it better.
Obadiah Hall had no intention of relaxing today.
In this sentence, you've given the reader loads of information. Who the character is, that day was important, required lots of planning and so on. In this stage, I don't think you'd like to give out so much info.
He stroked his long beard as he marched down a long, metallic hallway, muttering to himself.
I think this sentence is a bit too much. I get you're trying to get more action into the story, but you don't have to describe every movement your MC makes.
I also noticed something: You use a lot of commas. I think you're making sentences shorter but you've combined to completely un-relevant clauses together. Also, I think this disrupts the flow. Good flow of a piece is a balance between the types of sentences, long and short, single-claused and not. It makes all sentences fit together and makes the reader read, I guess.
If you do that, this piece will be way better.
Your idea is great and your ending is really good. I also like the touch of humor you've added to this piece. :D
I didn't find anything else to say, and I'd love to read what happens next!
I hope I helped.
- Angel




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Wed Feb 01, 2012 9:02 pm
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Hey, Nick! Alfred here for a Point Out! For questions on the reviews I give or you want a review for your piece, check my clinic; at my signature's a link! Anyways, I think the story can come good. Just a bit of fixer-upper!

THE FIRST LINE
The first line matters most out of the first paragraph. It's the first thing the readers read, see, and that's what will determine if the reader'll continue reading or not. The first line will also determine what genre of writing you will present within the rest of the piece. Your first line is greatly written, but it needs more impact. You can hide the name of your character. Or you can say that he is doing something slow. See, the best first line is either very exciting or very slow and dramatic. Your first line was neither thus decreasing impact. How about having a new better one: an action or situation, something happening without Obadiah's knowing?

DOUBLE ACTION CALLS FOR DOUBLE THREAT
Having two actions in one sentence can shorten paragraphs, which is good of course. It skips the reader's time of reading long texts. I notice though, that you combined actions which are not exactly alike. What I mean is, have to actions that can, in reality, be done at a very slight moment right after one another. I see that you've combined some actions which are a bit far from each other, this can induce confusion on the imagery you want to give. Try clearing the sentences to make the imagery clearer and better!

THE WHITE SPACE
This Point is not wholly about the story itself. This is about your presentation. The way you presented it is a bit confusing In the post I see now, there is no white space at all. White spaces, or empty line, can really help the readability of your readers. No one likes to read something so long! But readers can read long pieces as long as they look short. Adding white spaces can make the piece look less wordy, making it highly readable.

By the way, I love the story! The concept here is quite common, but your storytelling is special. I know this, and its following parts, can be a worthwhile read!

Your Quick Critic,
Al





The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard