z

Young Writers Society



Unfading - Chapter 1

by ScarlettFire


So. I'm back, and with a brand new story--or not so brand new, if you've seen/heard me talking about it before and maybe even been lucky enough to get a link to the gdoc... Either way, if you've never seen it before, then enjoy it all the same and do give me feedback and constructive crit. I love that--and reviews. I have every plan on continuing this eventually, I'd just like some feedback on it; so tell me if you like it or not, and why!

Chapter 1

A dark skinned, dark hair man stood staring out a window, high up above a city street. His back was to the other people in the room. Three very beautiful young people and two others, who appeared to be dazed. One of the beautiful people chuckled and leaned down, lips brushing one of the dazed boy’s ears. The boy shuddered. He couldn’t have been much older than fifteen or sixteen.

“Samad,” called the only girl in the room; a girl with dark hair and exotic features. She looked barely sixteen. “Why don’t you come join us? You know you to need to feed.” The man at the window didn’t move and the girl pouted. “Such despair,” she murmured, turning back to the dazed boy.

“Shashaiti, leave him be. Can’t you tell he’s tired?” The dark haired girl glanced towards a boy who could almost be her twin. In fact, he actually was. “It’s almost dawn. You know the sun hits him the hardest.”

The girl pouted again. “It’s only because he’s the oldest, Rasui.”

The man turned, gaze brushing first Shashaiti and then her twin. “Rasui, leave your sister be. She only wants attention.” He approached the small group, smiling slightly. The boy, who was leaning back against the couch, head lolling against the arm. “Ah, who is this, Shasha?” The girl, Shashaiti, hopped up from her seat and gestured to the boy still laid out on the couch.

“This is Jake,” she announced, licking her lips. “AB negative. Very delicious.” Samad chuckled and slid closer. The boy, Jake, had a set of tiny, well placed bite marks marring his neck. The man shot Shashaiti a look. She just smiled at him.

“And the older boy?”

“That is Alexander,” she said, skipping over to the boy the other person in the room held face-first against a wall. “Jake’s older brother. O positive.”

Samad snorted. “Brothers,” he murmured and shook his head. “Is there anyone who will miss them? Parents, perhaps?”

Little Shashaiti, for her and her brother looked very young compared to the other two men in the room, drifted to Samad’s side and leaned against him with a little sigh. “No parents. Just a girlfriend--Alex’s. She won’t miss him for several days or more.”

“Tell me you didn’t compel her, Shasha.”

She withdrew from the older man and went to her brother, throwing herself into his arms. Her brother calmly met the older man’s gaze while his sister avoided looking towards Samad. She sighed and leaned her head against her brother’s shoulder. The pair went still for a long moment, as if they were thinking--or perhaps, they were having a conversation. Samad smiled slightly and turned back to the younger boy, leaning over him. Jake met his gaze and smiled, still completely dazed.

“She didn’t,” came Rasui’s voice. Samad glanced towards them. He watched them for a long moment before he nodded and returned his gaze to the human.

“Hello Jake,” he murmured, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the marks marring his neck. They healed under his lips. “You are going to come with me.” Samad pulled back and watch as the boy followed him up, lips moving soundlessly. The dark haired man couldn't help but laugh as the boy followed him out onto the balcony, leaving the remaining members of Only In Silence inside.

Samad was really pushing his luck. It was very late, and the sun was only minutes away from rising, but he did need to feed. Hence the boy. He let the boy stumble after him and, when he was close enough, he caught the boy’s wrist and tugged him close. The boy didn’t fight him as Samad drew him close and leaned him against the balcony railing. He murmured something in Arabic, which, if one were listening closely, may have sounded like a prayer before his opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of four fangs, and he leaned over the boy, sinking his teeth into the boy’s neck.

Jake started, trying to jerk away with the beginnings of a high-pitched scream bubbling from him mouth.
Samad swiftly silenced him with a hand snapping his jaw shut and holding it that way. He drew a mouthful of blood from the boy, who was soon lost, and then another, and another...

After a while, Samad withdrew and swung the limp boy up into his arms. Sunlight was glinting down on the city below him, and it hurt his eyes. He had not been born a vampire, but neither had he wanted it. Samad was mostly immune to sunlight, he’d been around that long. Besides, his maker had been ancient even when he had turned the dark-skinned man. Samad remember the day well, but those memories were best kept as just that--memories. He could wallow in the despair of three millennium later.

He retreated to his apartment, a very large and spacious one, and gently laid the boy down on the couch, right beside his brother. Neither he or his brother would remember the night when they woke up. Samad straightened up, glancing towards the door way to one of the many bedrooms. “Armand,” he began, frowning. “Why are you not asleep?”

“I was waiting for you, my lord,” the other, blond haired man stated. Samad watched as he withdrew into the bedroom, wincing. Armand was the youngest out of all of them, not even in his third century. He should not have still be awake, let alone functional. Then again, that was why he had chosen the man. Armand, when he was still human, could not fall asleep. It had driven him to insanity, wherein he had killed several young woman and mutilated dozens more. By turning the man, Samad had given him the gift of sleep and cured his insanity. Turning him from human to vampire had changed Armand’s DNA enough to remove the faulty genes and renew them. As far as Samad knew anyway.

Samad sighed and moved to close the balcony doors before joining Armand in the darkened room. The other man looked so unsure as Samad entered the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him to block out the sunlight. “Still not sleeping well?” he asked gently, guiding the younger vampire to the bed. Armand sat down and Samad followed him.

“It’s not so much the sleeping...” he murmured, trailing off as he tried to think of how to put it. Samad waited patiently while the younger vampire tried to find the right words. “It’s more like... I’m afraid to be alone.”

Samad sighed, pulling the other man into a hug. “I understand,” he murmured, lips brushing the other vampire’s ear. “Come, you should be fine with me here.” He moved onto the bed and settled against the pillows, his gaze on Armand. The younger vampire sat still for a moment, staring at him, before he moved to curl up beside Samad. “Now, close your eyes...”

Several moments later, Armand was fast asleep in Samad’s arms. The older vampire smiled slightly before holding the other man close and closing his eyes. He knew Shashaiti and her brother would be fine. They also shared a room, but only if they had no current lover. Their connection seemed to work best when they were close to each other. Armand, on the other hand, had only one talent. He dreamt of things yet to come, and sometimes shared those dreams with Samad, in some strange way. This was how Samad learned of the feisty young redhead that would walk into his life very soon.

- - - - -

Samad sighed and shook his head, glancing towards his fellow band members. The music abruptly cut out as he put the mic back on the stand and walked away from it. Armand, Shashaiti and Rasui watched him as he went to a nearby table and picked up a bottle of water. “Sam?” Shashaiti asked, setting down her guitar for the moment. “Is there a problem?” She took a step away from her brother only for Rasui to take her arm and give her a meaningful look, which she returned with a frown.

“The tune is off,” Samad announced, turning to face him. A frown marred his features. He fiddled with the bottle of water, humming the tune before his frown deepened. “I think I know where it went wrong,” he said and put the bottle down, moving back to the mic. “Raz, start the beat again, would you?” Rasui nodded and started up a lazy beat with his drum set. Samad nodded taking the mic off the stand. “Shasha, guitar.” He glanced at Armand. “You know what to do.” Armand nodded and went back to his keyboard.

Samad smiled and listened to the music as Shashaiti jumped in with a little more upbeat rhythm and Armand timed in perfectly with a hypnotic tune. Samad grinned and flashed his fellow band mates a satisfied smile. Armand smiled back while the twins grinned at each other.

“Perfect,” he said and looked up at the group of people on the other side of the glass. The young man sitting down was nodding along to the music, altering the music from that side. Samad nodded to the people behind that young man; their manager, who was human, and the other man, who was also a vampire and a fellow artist. There also a woman, who was deep in hushed conversation with Mitchell, the manager. Samad glanced back at his children and grinned. “One, two, three,” he said loudly. “Let’s go.” And they dove into their music.

Five minutes later, Samad looked up to see Mitchell nodding and giving them the thumbs up. Samad nodded and put the mic on the stand, walking away. They were done anyway and Mitchell knew that Only In Silence liked to keep their music mostly unaltered, and he obliged. Besides, the man knew what they were and he catered to their needs, if they only were to ask. They rarely did, but he didn’t mind. Samad was smiling as he picked up the bottle of water he’d had before and opened it, taking a sip.

“That’s it for today,” Mitchell said over the intercom. Samad glanced towards him. Mitchell smiled. “You have you next CD done, Samad. It’s good.” Samad nodded and glanced towards the rest of his band. They put down their instruments and flocked to his side. Shashaiti threw herself into his arms when he held them open.

“You did well,” Samad told them, smiling. He kissed Shashaiti on the forehead and released her. She went back to her brother’s side, smiling. “Come on, let’s go.” He let Armand duck under his arm and led those in his little group towards the door that separated the recording studio from the control room. The twins went ahead of him, holding the door open so Samad and Armand could pass through. “So, how did it go?” Samad asked Mitchell.

The human looked up from the mixing console where had had been discussing something with the young man. “It looks good, Sam,” he replied smiling at the vampire. Samad decided to indulge the human, nodding to encourage him to continue. “Hey Chris, play it, would you?”

Chris, the young man sitting at the mixing console looked up and nodded. He hit a few buttons and a moment later, their latest track played in the control room. Samad listened to it for a moment before he smiled and gave his fellow band members a look. They were smiling, too. Samad nodded. “Sounds good,” he said. “Right, guys?”

Shashaiti giggled, hanging off her brother. “It sounds really good,” she said, laying her head on Rasui’s shoulder. “How many songs is that for the CD now?” She gave Samad a dreamy look. The older vampire chuckled and turned his attention to Mitchell.

“You recorded about thirty songs,” the human said, frowning at the list the woman held up. “You guys can go through it later and pick out your top twelve. We have three we would really like on the CD.”

Samad nodded, smiling slightly when Armand laid his head on the older vampire’s shoulder. “Sounds good, Mitchell,” he said, brushing hair out of his youngest protégé’s eyes. He sighed and met the human’s gaze. “We need to rest now. We’re not used to being up during the day so often.”

Mitchell nodded. “I understand.” He waved them towards the exit. “Don’t let us keep you.” He turned to the woman. “Risa, would you schedule a photo shot for...” Mitchell glanced at Samad.

“Friday evening?” he suggested with a smile. Mitchell smiled in thanks.

“Friday evening for Sam and his band?” Mitchell glanced towards the the woman, Risa. She nodded and wrote it down. “Does seven sound good?”

Samad chuckled, watching the twins leave the room. “Seven sounds perfect,” he replied, returning his gaze to Armand. “You look tired, my friend,” he commented, gently moving towards the door. “See you Friday, Mitchell. Risa.” Samad glanced towards the other human in the room and the vampire. “Chris. You’re welcome to stay with us tonight, Mirza.”

The pale-haired, dark-eyed vampire gave Samad a heart-wrenching smile. “It’s been too long, Samad,” he replied, moving to follow the other vampires. Samad just smiled and slid his arms around Armand before the other vampire could stumble. Together, the small group of vampires made their way down the hall and into the lift, now talking animatedly.

- - - - -


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Mon Feb 06, 2012 11:09 am
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Wolferion wrote a review...



Cheers! Well, we've discussed a lot on the chat, so let me skip to the places I want to point out. As typical for me, they are in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
The man turned, gaze brushing first Shashaiti and then her twin. “Rasui, leave your sister be. She only wants attention.” He approached the small group, smiling slightly. The boy, who was leaning back against the couch, head lolling against the arm. “Ah, who is this, Shasha?” The girl, Shashaiti, hopped up from her seat and gestured to the boy still laid out on the couch.
- Alright, first - 'the man'? I'm sure you've told us his name already, he's Samad. Also, this sequence is unbelivably out of place - 'The boy, who was leaning back against the couch, head lolling against the arm.'. I do know you're referring to the dazed boy from before, however, the following sentence just doesn't add up.

“This is Jake,” she announced, licking her lips. “AB negative. Very delicious.” Samad chuckled and slid closer. The boy, Jake, had a set of tiny, well placed bite marks marring his neck. The man shot Shashaiti a look. She just smiled at him.
- What's with the change of heart with 'Samad' and then 'the man'? It's still Samad, right? I am positive there's 3rd person you haven't given us a name of, but the way it is right now, it's confusing and puzzling, it forces the reader to reread it at least twice, if not more, to make sure he's getting it right.

Little Shashaiti, for her and her brother looked very young compared to the other two men in the room, drifted to Samad’s side and leaned against him with a little sigh.
- The additional description sentence, as I said in the chat, is messy. Let's say it's vague, for it is difficult to grasp it. I get the meaning, since I can think of it, but the sentence itself just isn't right.

She withdrew from the older man and went to her brother, throwing herself into his arms. Her brother calmly met the older man’s gaze while his sister avoided looking towards Samad.
- You're still confusing us with the 'the man' and here 'the older man'.

“Hello Jake,” he murmured, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the marks marring his neck. They healed under his lips. “You are going to come with me.” Samad pulled back and watch as the boy followed him up, lips moving soundlessly. The dark haired man couldn't help but laugh as the boy followed him out onto the balcony, leaving the remaining members of Only In Silence inside.
[b]- Samad pulled back and watched. Why the hell you're using 'the dark haired man' here? You've already told us that at the beginning and his name, from what we know or at least follow, is Samad.


He murmured something in Arabic, which, if one were listening closely, may have sounded like a prayer before his opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of four fangs, and he leaned over the boy, sinking his teeth into the boy’s neck. Jake started, trying to jerk away with the beginnings of a high-pitched scream bubbling from him mouth ---
- before he opened his mouth wide, revealing a set of our fangs, and leaning over the boy. Leaning, because you already have primary action 'before he opened his mouth wide'. Then, 'of a high-pitched scream bubbling from his mouth.

Samad remember the day well, but those memories were best kept as just that--memories. He could wallow in the despair of three millennium later.
- Samad remembered.

“I was waiting for you, my lord,” the other, blond haired man stated. Samad watched as he withdrew into the bedroom, wincing. Armand was the youngest out of all of them, not even in his third century. He should not have still be awake, let alone functional. Then again, that was why he had chosen the man. Armand, when he was still human, could not fall asleep. It had driven him to insanity, wherein he had killed several young woman and mutilated dozens more. By turning the man, Samad had given him the gift of sleep and cured his insanity. Turning him from human to vampire had changed Armand’s DNA enough to remove the faulty genes and renew them. As far as Samad knew anyway.
- 'He should not have still be awake, let alone functional', I'm sure you see the problem, Scar. Then, 'he had killed several young women. By turning 'the man'? Why not Armand?

Samad sighed and moved to close the balcony doors before joining Armand in the darkened room. The other man looked so unsure as Samad entered the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him to block out the sunlight. “Still not sleeping well?” he asked gently, guiding the younger vampire to the bed. Armand sat down and Samad followed him.
- I suppose I get a portion of it - you're trying to avoid repeating their names a lot, however, you're making it more confusing than it could be.

“It’s not so much the sleeping...” he murmured, trailing off as he tried to think of how to put it. Samad waited patiently while the younger vampire tried to find the right words. “It’s more like... I’m afraid to be alone.”
- I have nothing against triple dots at the end, but in between the dialogue sentences? Why not use - ? It indicates pause too.

“Now, close your eyes...”
- Why the tripple dots here...

Armand, on the other hand, had only one talent. He dreamt of things yet to come, and sometimes shared those dreams with Samad, in some strange way. This was how Samad learned of the feisty young redhead that would walk into his life very soon.
- 'had only one talent; he dreamt'

There also a woman, who was deep in hushed conversation with Mitchell, the manager. Samad glanced back at his children and grinned. “One, two, three,” he said loudly. “Let’s go.” And they dove into their music.
-There was also a woman,

The human looked up from the mixing console where had had been discussing something with the young man.
- Er... You sure see it.


I've missed a few points, but that's mostly the alterations I've pointed out before in the spoiler. Now, in general, this is quite a piece you've got. It's heavy, it requires focus, it can confuse upon missing even one detail almost anywhere, and it's pretty detailed. Seems like you haven't missed anything I know you do from previous encounters with your writing =) I do like how you write, it's fairly entertaining and rich for description, but I'm not sure with how others would cope with your heavy style, where it takes a lot of focus to not get confused or lost. A small clarification would work, I believe. There's no need to do anything about it dramatically - I can't even imagine you without at least some of that heaviness.

As I noticed, Justagirl said it for me, you're quite leading us in the dark and you know you have to do something about it, good luck there. As about the impression this leaves, well, let's see: I wouldn't mind reading more of it, but I'm not eager to. While you've given us slow setting to figure out more about your characters, I just do not see any main point here or any main event or whatever, you're just sliding through 'everyday average' without giving us even a hint to the important.

Best regards,
~Kyou




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Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:44 pm
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Justagirl wrote a review...



The boy, Jake, had a set of tiny, well placed bite marks marring his neck.
So, they're vampires or something of the sort, right? Well then, bite marks seems ungraceful for them, especially the way you've described them so far. I think that teeth marks would seem better, instead of bite marks.

Well, this certainly looks like a really interesting story!

Plot I can't tell at all where this is going to lead to, did you want it that way? If not, then you may want to add a few hints here and there of what's going to happen. If you wanted to keep the reader in the dark, though, you're doing a pretty good job :P

Characters Again, so far, not much is said about your characters. Most of them seem just like shells that you're using, but that's just because it's the first chapter and you haven't really developed them much. It would be nice if you could give a few more characteristics of Mitchel, the siblings - Rushui and Shashaiti -, and Armand, though, in this first chapter.

Setting You really don't give off much of a show about the setting. I don't know what time period it is, but I always know the general area of where they are. You may want to add more description, though, about where they are, because it's always good if the reader can at least imagine what their surroundings are. (For example: You didn't really say much about the recording studio. You could have said it was a bit posh, or more run-down, I'm not sure, because I truly couldn't get a feel for it.)

Word Choice Your whole piece does flow together very nicely, but your words are a little boring. Maybe every once in a while (say, every 6-7 paragraphs) you could choose one word in a paragraph that you'd decide to elaborate on. You could look it up in a thesaurus and choose a more interesting word, something that could even help describe the scene, even. Just be sure you're consistent with this, or it could be weird if you had just one word every chapter that was fancy whereas all the rest were regular.

Overall I like this. I have read quite a few vampire stories, so I've seen it all with the beautiful-but-immensely-old vampires but I think it's interesting that these vamps have a band, I've only read one vampire story like that and even then, all the other band members were human while one was a vampire. I hope you start to describe the setting in more detail, as well as the vampires.

So, good job on your first chapter :)

Keep writing,
Just




Justagirl says...


Oops, I made a mistake up there in the quote at the top... Of course YWS doesn't wanna let me Edit my review, so:
The boy, Jake, had a set of tiny, well placed, bite marks marring his neck.


Anyways, that's all. Sorry I had to make this extra post here... o.-

-Just



ScarlettFire says...


Thanks Justa. I'll keep you suggestions in mind for later. It's midnight right now, so, like, I should go sleep. I shall consider editing this later, and expanding on my descriptions in the next chapter... When I'm not tired, y'know?




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn