Young Writers Society

Hey Emmzziee! Here as requested!

This poem has a lot of really nice phrases to it. For example, I love the opening line:

Look at the stars. Why are they still here?

That's awesome imagery, and a really gripping first sentence that intrigues me and makes me want to read more of the poem.

However, we get going through the poem and the overall flow starts to fall apart, despite having lovely phrases and lines and such. The biggest problem is there doesn't seem to be a tight overall idea to keep everything together. The first stanza doesn't flow (at least not enough that the poem makes a good amount of sense) into the second, the second doesn't flow into the third, etc. They all seem to be about different things.

Even within some of the single stanzas the phrases don't flow into each other. For example:

Look at the stars. Why are they still here?
Too far away to matter, hello, hello, hello?
I won’t need to dream again, I fear.
If you hate me, can you hear me? Close my eyes. Lay low.

The first two lines and the second two lines don't even seem to be about the same things. How do we go from stars to dreams? As readers, we need some sort of connection between these thoughts and images to fully grasp the poem.

Also, the fourth stanza, formatically, doesn't match with the rest of the poem. It has five lines, rather than four, has no rhyme scheme, and a varied phrase length unlike stanzas one through three.

I'd suggest going through and deciding what your poem is about. What the "plot" is, for lack of a better word. Then, write the poem so that it tells the story of that plot. So that each stanza is connected meaningfully to the next stanza, as well as so each stanza has phrases within it that connect meaningfully. This will tighten things up and improve the poem so much on its own. Also, rework the last stanza so that it fits formatically with the rest of the poem.

I'd love to see this poem improve, because I really do think you have a lovely use of language if it were just utilized better here. If you revise and post again, let me know and I'd love to give another review!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-