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Young Writers Society



Spark chapter one, part two

by tinkembell


(First half of the chapter can be found here. ^^)

He could tell that Joshua would be waking up soon, the thoughts were getting stronger as his mind stirred, ready to rise. Ember's surroundings brightened as the boy opened his eyes, blinking as his soft eyelashes sent rays of darkness into the room, causing him to face the other way, to the back of the boy's mind. Now that he was awake, Ember could finally start what he'd come for; fighting to persuade him. He didn't believe he'd have to fight very hard, as a baby he would listen easily to Ember's stronger voice, disregarding the patronizing but desperatly good voice that was September's.

I think you should let them now that you're up, don't you? he asked Joshua, knowing it would seem like an ordinary thought to him. Ember listened as the boy tried to form words, but came up blank, his brain whirring faster than normal. Try screaming, crying - anything louder he suggested, readying for the noise.

Joshua cried, that shaking, louder than a pneumatic drill cry. Ember could tell his face was probably going red from the effort, and he thanked him for that. Joshua was practically already his, the dear boy. He would make a brilliant soilder (sumbissive too) for the upcoming Armageddon, the situation was almost prefect. Then September spoke.

Hush now, darling. No need to cry; Mummy will be here soon. Just rest, she said soothingly. Immediatly Joshua listened, and the tears stopped. September knew she'd succeeded in overpowering Ember; she'd won the first battle and she knew she was sure to win more, lots more if she could help it. She heard the heavy footsteps, the creaking of the door as it opened and a sleepy mother walked in, bending over the cot's edge. September felt the movement as Joshua was scooped up, and she wobbled a little, trying to regain her balance.

"I believe that was me bringing it on," she said as she moved towards Ember's glowing light. If she had her body back, her expression would be cocky, playful.

Still she knew it was more than that, that this was important, The Creator couldn't lose any lives to Hell, and she wouldn't be able to bear wittness to it, especially when a Demon was involved. If she was Joshua's Guardian Angel, then what was Ember? His Gaurdian Devil? She hoped the term wasn't right, that Lucifer could possibly think his Demon's were Guardians. They were far from it.

"Oh, you haven't seen me in action, September. I was merely warming up, letting you score before I take Joshua as my own. At least you'll be able to tell them you tried." he laughed, dancing around September's stupidly pure white light.

"Now shall I see what else I can make him listen to? Or do you want me to sit back for a while, let you continue the fantasy?" he asked, absentmindedly listening to the cooing noises Joshua's Mum directed to the baby. What was the point in intiating a meaningless conversation? Humans truly confused him.

"Oh, you can try if you want, I'll still be stronger," she said, a smile forming on the lips she no longer had.

"Really?" Ember questioned, sitting back. "We'll have to test that."

You're hungry aren't you? Cry for food, she'll never listen otherwise, he said.

This part always bored him, when the baby couldn't do anything but cry and scream, and never fought back. Ember wanted excitment, life and death situations. For now this would have to do. Tormenting September - that naively kind Angel - would be enough for now.

Joshua sobbed loudly, the noise starting again. In the mirage of trailing thoughts Ember could make out the words 'Hungry. I am so very hungry! How is it possible for her to not tell? I shout and scream and say it endless times, but she never understands.' he was some what pleased with his work, Joshua already believed these were his normal thought patterns, his usual ways. If only he knew.

Stop, think of your poor mother, Joshua. You don't speak the same language as her and she doesn't understand what you want. That's it, calm down. She'll get you the food in a second, September said sweetly, moving to the front of the boy's mind where she would hopefully be heard clearer. September felt movement, and then the soft bouncing rythym of walking, walking to the kitchen.

Whatever Joshua's mum did, calmed him right away. The tears stopped, and he let out a sleepy yawn - rubbing his eyes. September was happy, it didn't matter if he would listen to either of them at the time, she just needed to talk to him often, gain his trust so that eventually he would only listen to her, ignoring the opposing voice because he knew she was right. The first few days were crucial, she'd been told by her proffesser, more than any other. Of course they wouldn't be so much if Ember wasn't there, but all the same, she needed to get ahead now.

"Positive results, no?" she asked, vaguely staring past him to Joshua's thoughts, his actively working mind.

"Hm, too soon to tell. Maybe a few more experiments, we need the fairest possible results to be sure. Aren't you experienced in the arts of science?" Ember said, always ready with a witty retort.

"Aren't you experienced in the arts of selflessness and morality?"

"Angel, I don't need those skills to have you mesmerized by my aura of mystery and handsomely bad boy looks." he replied, ever the charmer.

"Oh, you are very misunderstood Ember, naturally Angels love to fantasize about Demons." she said sarcastically.

"So true! Well done, September, we're making progress." he said with mock happiness.

"The only progess I'll make with you is destroying you, wether it's in Armageddon or tomorrow, it'll happen one day."

"Feisty. I like that."

Ember sat down, his debates with September - although they'd only known each other for a few hours - never failed to amuse him. He still despised her with all his soul, something that could be so good was unnatural was strange to him. Why wasn't she urging the human to hurt someone, swear, do something moderatly bad? She didn't seem easily swayed, either, which was a shame. He could of changed her, brought her back to Hell when he came with Joshua, and enjoyed feasts of blood, lust, temptation with her by his side. Alas it would never happen, and his burning hatred remained.

Had she never thought of doing the wrong thing? He didn't care that she'd won some, he'd win much more. They'd be bigger, more terrible, and people would pay for Joshua's consequences. He aimed high, and he certainly wasn't afraid of that, he'd been taught to never take no for an answer, know that his goals would be reached, and that he was always right, better than everyone.

Something drastic had to happen, to make that glorified Angel realize he was more pwerful, to make her submit. Ember knew this, and he was planning, thoughts brewing in his mind, that blackened hollow place within him, that just so happened to be within another mind, this one so innocent it hurt him to think about it. He didn't care if September was ready to have herself witness such a horrifing and soul burning thing, she would be better for it. As soon as he could he'd take action.

Somewhere in the room a nursery rhyme was being played. Ember listened to the soft musical words, hearing the childlike light tune.

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

how I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high,

like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

how I wonder what you are.

He was a star once, he mused. A bit overrated if you asked him. Too much pureness and sparkling, sending good and praying for well being. Life in darkness and fire was way too much fun to want to even consider being a twinkling gem with a pretend smile plastered on your face. Not much to wonder about, my dear.

Joshua, you don't like this music do you? No, you don't. Get mummy to change it. If she can't hear you - try a little louder. That's it Joshua.

September heard the cries, and wondered what Ember had said this time. Looking around she saw what he'd suggested, and groaned. Why did he have to try to cause trouble at any given chance? This war was hers, she knew that, but did he? Of course not. He believed he was stronger, more evil and terrible than anyone else. It didn't have to be like that, it shouldn't have to be like that - he just didn't want to know, September thought that Hell was all he knew, the right way was just fanciful imagination to him. To her it was so much more, knowing that you were as good and wonderful for the world as you could be.

She sat down and let Joshua cry. Ember could think he'd won this one, she'd let him. That was the best way, to be weak on the outside, and stronger than he could ever be inside. A muffled idea circled around her, the words pushing against her smoky form. They simply read - listen to him this time just this once, but always know Joshua, I'm the one you turn to, the dominating thought. I'll help you more than he ever can.

She knew that Joshua had understood. She felt the way his brain focused on a smile, and saw the part that controlled it glow stronger, working a little harder than usuall to perform a task that wasn't constant, always in motion. The tears continued, but September knew he didn't mean them. It was only a matter of time before he'd only cry out of happiness.

Ember was pleased with the progress. September's original control had been sheer luck, nothing more. He had the overiding power, and she knew it. He'd seen the submission as she'd sat down, with no way to stop the boy's tears. Ember was so proud of his human, Lucifer would like the new addition to their army. He didn't plan on waiting around for Joshua to grow old and fall in love, oh no. He'd be useless by then. Ember wanted to wait until he reached eighteen, the usual Demon entry age, and then he'd bring him to one of the entrances of Hell, letting the Devil persuade him to join their ranks. Before that time he'd focus on getting Joshua to do as many immoral things as he could to twist his young mind, darken it with delicious insanity.

He'd definetly formed that plan he'd thought about. He'd seduce September, the vulnerable little Angel, with his devilish charm until she was so desperatly obsessed with him she gave in. Yes, he'd thought she couldn't be swayed, was to strong to succumb, but after being unable to stop a baby from crying, for Hell's sake, he'd realised she was nothing but a well trained actor, at most a liar, exactly the type Hell was looking for. The Creator might miss her, might not. It wasn't like he gave a damn.

Hell, this would be fun.


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Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:40 am
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey Tink! Here as requested, though sorry it's so incredibly late! D:

Well, let's not waste any more time! Onto the review!

Ember's surroundings brightened as the boy opened his eyes, blinking as his soft eyelashes sent rays of darkness into the room, causing him to face the other way

I don't really understand this image. First, which boy? Ember or Joshua? Also, how does someone blinking send rays of darkness? Is that something that's possible in this world? Images that are as odd as this one sometimes need a better explanation to get the point across without confusing the reader. ;)

'Hungry. I am so very hungry! How is it possible for her to not tell? I shout and scream and say it endless times, but she never understands.' he was some what pleased with his work, Joshua already believed these were his normal thought patterns, his usual ways.

This bit raises a few questions for me.
1) How old is Joshua? Young children can't speak until a certain age, as we know, but I also would imagine that they can't form complex thoughts either. At least not in the same way adults can. Certainly, I wouldn't imagine he would be forming these sorts of thoughts here. Something more like 'Hungry. I am hungry!' would be as much as a young baby mind might understand.
2) How exactly does Ember's process/job/whatever work? How does he change the kids ways/mentality/personality and how is he already doing it so quickly? I understand such a young mind would be easily malleable, but he has the competition of September with her kind thoughts as well. Assuming they're rather equally matched (or else, it wouldn't be an interesting story :P), wouldn't it seem that more of a battle would have to take place?

"The only progess I'll make with you is destroying you, wether it's in Armageddon or tomorrow, it'll happen one day."

That doesn't sound like something very angelic to say o.o

Overall, I like the interaction here between Ember and September. It does a good job of solidifying the reader in their world and how they each view things being from different backgrounds. It's also a lot of fun to see how they interact and talk to each other.

I think I mentioned this in my review of part one, but the random switching back and forth of viewpoints is sort of giving me whiplash. An omniscient viewpoint can work in some situations, but I really think this story would benefit from a sort of rotation. Rotating between the viewpoints of Ember and September (it might even be interesting to see something from Joshua's viewpoint later on in his life, if that's a place the story is going). The way they randomly switch around right now is hard to follow for a reader. Things would be much clearer, and you'd be able to really get into the viewpoints of Ember and September respectively by, say, having alternating chapters where one is in September's viewpoint, the next in Ember's, then September's and so on and so forth.

Other than that, I don't have much else to say! Onto the next bit you requested! Sorry, again, for taking so long to get around to it!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-




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Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:23 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there, tink! I'm here to review as requested. First, I must thank you for linking me the second part as I did enjoy the first. I'm eager to review this now.

I'm going to jump right in and say that I'm still not so crazy about the omniscient. I would much prefer rotations or something, but I guess as the author, it's up to you. I can see why you need the POVs from both Ember and September, however I don't think you're executing them quite in the right way. I /know/ I've already bothered you about this, but, despite the fact the story's coming along quite nicely, I think it could do better without the convolution of multiple POVs that aren't separated from each other. First, some of the thought processes for Ember and September aren't differentiated from the plain text in the first place and you might want to do that by italicizing.

Now, I'll let you decide how you want to continue the narration, but it would still work with breaks where you switch to Character B from A. I know you'll probably disagree with me - and the story's great - but it'd also clear up some convoluted paragraphs where it's suddenly switching. Anyway.

I urge you to create more of a unique personality for both Ember and September. So Ember's the demon and September's the angel. It's pretty much a given that the demon will be, well, sly and cocky and mean and that the angel will be kind and calm and sweet. It's a common cliche that most everyone is aware of. Really, I want to know these two characters, who they really are besides their expected personalities? I'm sure they have each weaknesses. From the first part of the first chapter, you kind of give of a look at one of September's weaknesses (she almost gives in to Ember). By not writing of Ember's weaknesses though, one might think September is the weaker of the two. Also, it's never good to flaunt a character's strengths and not acknowledge their weaknesses. No character is 100% perfect.

PM me if you have any questions about the review and, also, when the next chapter is up! :D

Yours,
Lavvie




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Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:18 pm
kasimkaey wrote a review...



First off, thank you for informing me about the next piece in your work ;) much appreciated.

I like it. Like seriously, I like this book. The idea behind it has been done before but, regardless, you've come up with an original idea that just blows my mind. Again :L

I love the ego of Ember, it just goes with the idea that you have about him being this egotistical idiot who doesn't know anything. And September's sly 'let him think he's won' ruse totally goes against what anyone would think an angel would do - and that's what makes this so good. It kind of gives off the idea that she might succumb to Ember's seductive prowess because she has some kind of evil-ness inside her, albeit not as much as Ember's.

There were quite a few spelling mistakes that I noticed, like using 'now' instead of 'know'. This hindered my reading a little and confused me because there were none in the first part of this chapter. Maybe copy and paste into Word and see the errors?

The idea of Joshua becoming either an evil soldier or just a good person is quite a good spin off - you've got Ember wanting to please the Devil by bringing Joshua to him whilst you have September just wanting to make him good. I just get this image off the Devil's army standing there with loads of humans against just the Angles (at the end of course) and it thrills me. Can't wait until we get to that part if I'm honest.

Keep writing this, honestly. A few spelling mistakes here and there but we're not all perfect, I love the idea and really want to see how you're going to play with this.

Again, keep me informed ;)

Kasim.




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Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:20 pm
TheClosetKidnapper wrote a review...



This is a very interesting read. I like it. One thing though, you say "pwrful" in Ember's thoughts around the fifth or forth to last paragraph. It should be "powerful" obviously. Other than that, keep writing! :D





I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King