Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This seems like a pretty neat little legend that you'e got here. It definitely seems to be telling a pretty interesting story here that you've got. I seems like it might be some kind of character introduction or something with this being like the backstory maybe.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I want to tell you The legend about Georgia - Sakartvelo: When Godfather allotted lands to a mankind, Georgians where not there. They had feast, standing toast for god. When they appeared, there were no free lands any more. God was very sad. He asked: why they were so late. Georgians answered: We were drinking your toast. Don’t worry, if there are no more lands, its ok, just drink one toast with us. God inspired: You are so beautiful, modest and devoted. There are no more free places, I allotted all, but I created earthly paradise for me and I present it to you. And God presented paradise to Georgians. During centuries enemies tried to conquer Paradise, but no one could. Paradise survived again and again. Now this place calls Georgia (SaqarTvelo-in native language). It is situated between Black and Caspian seas, in South of Caucas.

I am from this "earthly Paradise" and I am happy to Join you.

Sofia Angel

This whole thing reads like its maybe a fun little introduction by these people to this Sofia person and she is telling us the origin story of where she hails from. And as far as that particular story goes I think its a maybe little too bunched up in there. I feel like you can really beef up some of the parts in that a whole lot more than this. I mean you don't need to completely change anything but I feel like you can separate these at the places where the different actions happen and then add a couple more lines of bit more specific description so that we can get a proper sense of just how things are going here. At the moment it just feels maybe a little bit too vague and generic in some part and we can't quite relate to the story all that well. Other than that it does seem like a pretty cool concept.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was a pretty fun to read little piece. It could definitely do with a bit of streamlining like I suggested above but the concept is definitely really nice and it looks like this could be a really interesting story for a character.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello. Nitpicks first...

I want to tell you The legend about Georgia - Sakartvelo: When Godfather allotted lands to a mankind, Georgians where not there.

I think "when" before "godfather" shouldn't be capitalized, and I also think that if you capitalize "the" before "legend" you should also capitalize "legend" for consistency's sake. But it's up to you, really.

When they appeared, there were no free lands any more.

"Anymore" is one word. ^_~

They had feast, standing toast for god.

"god" should be capitalized here, because it is everywhere else in the piece.

He asked: why they were so late.

This should either be "He asked why they were so late." or "He asked: why were they so late."

Now this place calls Georgia (SaqarTvelo-in native language)

Shouldn't this be "now this place IS CALLED..."?

It is situated between Black and Caspian seas, in South of Caucas.

I think there should be a "the" after "between" and before "Black."
_______________

Overall, this interests me. However, I feel like it's more of a simple telling of a folktale than anything else. It feels to me that anyone could write it, as long as they were familiar to the story. Try bringing something new to it, something that tells us that you are a writer and not just a storyteller. Do you get what I mean?

Here are some things you can do:

1--Add description. I'd like to see some description, because right now there really isn't any at all... what does the Paradise look like? Smell like? Feel like?

2--Show rather than tell. Try to use the literary method of showing rather than telling. For example, rather than telling us "God was sad." try to show us that He is sad with things that he says or does.

3--Put it in story form. If I were in your place, I'd space it out and put the dialogue on seperate lines in quotes. Then, it would look something like this:

I want to tell you The legend about Georgia - Sakartvelo: When Godfather allotted lands to a mankind, Georgians where not there. They had feast, standing toast for god. When they appeared, there were no free lands any more. God was very sad.

He asked, "why are you so late?"

Georgians answered, "We were drinking your toast. Don’t worry, if there are no more lands, its ok, just drink one toast with us."

God inspired, "You are so beautiful, modest and devoted. There are no more free places, I allotted all, but I created earthly paradise for me and I present it to you."

And God presented paradise to Georgians. During centuries enemies tried to conquer Paradise, but no one could. Paradise survived again and again. Now this place calls Georgia (SaqarTvelo-in native language). It is situated between Black and Caspian seas, in South of Caucas.

I am from this "earthly Paradise" and I am happy to Join you.

You get what I mean?

Oh, and one question: is this a prologue? If so, could you please tell me when you post more?

PM me if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps.
~Azila~