Weel, That is very good work for such a young writer, like you. Keep going like that. Wish you luck.
Life and Death
DC: I do not own Alvin and the chipmunks, I only own my OC, Matt.
PS: this takes place in 2008. The ‘munks are 18.
CHAPTER ONE: LIFE AND DEATH!
The six chipmunks were walking along. School had been great, and it was Britney’s first day of school after her coming home from the hospital. Britney decided to talk about what she saw “well, I think I saw gates.” At this point Alvin interrupts saying “and look, I got a new cell phone!”
They split, and later that night, he gathered his brothers and the chipetts and tried out the cell phone.
They went outside and Alvin punched in may 1st 8:01 PM 2010. Suddenly a ghost came and said “come with me... TO THE FUTURE!” so they did.
The six were on a sidewalk and saw the six of them, a year older, in Dave’s car. Suddenly they saw a semi. The two crashed. The ghost punched a new date and time on the phone. May 2nd 6:00 AM.
They were in a hospital. The six were lying there, like Britney, but they would not come back. Dave, Mrs. Miller, Zack, and Laura were knelled by their beds crying.
Suddenly Dave, who remembered what happened when this happened to Britney, started to sing.
Dave
My little boys and girls
All laying there near death
Makes me want to cry
But you don’t know what happened until it happened to you!
All come in
We’re so sad and blue
We hope that you
Can see it through
Dave
But I know
That you won’t see it through
But whenever I think
I’ll miss you
End of song
A doctor came in and said “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your children are dead.”
The six could not bear it. They all sobbed. The floor was as wet as a sock in the rain.
The ghost punched in Hollywood Ca. into the phone
They were in a house. They opened the door. They saw a lady. She said “why hello. Please come in!”
A boy ran up to his mom and said “look mom, the chipmunks and the chippets are dead!”
The six said “um, no, we are right here.”
Alvin explained everything to the boy who’s name was Matt.
Matt punched in a date. May 1st 2008.
“I remember that day well.” Said Simon
WHY?
And where are they going?
Or when?
Weel, That is very good work for such a young writer, like you. Keep going like that. Wish you luck.
-- instead be more direct. Britney who was walking home with her (brothers? Friends?) turned to her companions and said, "Well, I think I saw gates. Alvin interrupted her, "Look! I got a new cellphone!"Britney decided to talk about what she saw “well, I think I saw gates.” At this point Alvin interrupts saying “and look, I got a new cell phone!”
-- too abrupt of a transition. Try to flow into it.They split, and later that night, he gathered his brothers and the chipetts and tried out the cell phone.
-- slow downThey went outside and Alvin punched in may 1st 8:01 PM 2010. Suddenly a ghost came and said “come with me... TO THE FUTURE!” so they did.
we're going really fast here. Show everything that happens up to this point, don't just jump right to the ghost!instead say but they didn't move.They were in a hospital. The six were lying there, like Britney, but they would not come back. Dave, Mrs. Miller, Zack, and Laura were knelled by their beds crying.
-- you're jumping again. Slow down and show the chipmunks storySuddenly Dave, who remembered what happened when this happened to Britney, started to sing.
-- show more emotion. Alvin's eyes welled up. Britney hugged her friend or something like thatThe six could not bear it. They all sobbed. The floor was as wet as a sock in the rain.
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