z

Young Writers Society



New Book

by absoccer23


Prologue

The trees swayed back and fourth in the brisk night, as two lights gleamed from the windows of a white mansion. In one dimly lit chamber where a man sat and wrote, blood-curdling screams could be heard from a large room directly down the hallway were another light shown.

The man was writing quickly on pieces of parchment bound together by a hard leather cover. He was extremely tall and had to hunch over the desk in which he was writing by candle light. The candle illuminated the room in which there was a four banister bed, a desk, and a small bureau that was place in the corner. He kept writing:

…they found me. I don’t know how. You must distance yourself from the others; scatter. When everything calms down, make your move. I think he is in on it. We trusted him too. There is so much going on. I think they are executing us one by one. I will come see you…if I make it out alive.

Don’t Trust Anyone,

Rider Silver

Suddenly the screaming stopped; footsteps filled the hall with soft whispers. Jolting up from the desk the man took the book and pulled a floorboard away that revealed a musty blue trunk. After placing the book into the trunk, it was returned to its hiding place under the board. The foot steps were even closer now. Sensing that any moment now the hard wood door would be swung open, the man glided over to the desk and blew out the light. Finally the he shuffled quickly over and behind the bed. Just then the door knob was twisted and three tall men entered into the hazy dark room. The man in the lead stepped forward, he was dressed in a black suit with a tall dark hat and an off white smock that had been stained by what looked like…blood—except with a more greenish tinge to it.

“We know you are in here,” the man spoke while helping his colleague light a dim match that instantly went out. Now the other man stepped forward that was behind the man in the smock. He muttered something in his ear, then exclaimed in an unknown tongue, “Edah spanila veniculason!”

Then the man that was hiding from behind the bed leapt forward with inhumanly speed and lunged toward the man wearing the smock, but was tackled by the man that had spoken in a different tongue.

While being held down on the hard wood floor the man spoke, “You traitor, you slaughtered your own people for what…”

“It needed to be done,” he interrupted. “You will understand some day, if you live…” With that the man stabbed him with a long silver spike. The man let out a cry of help then lay motionless on the floor before being dragged out by them. The door slammed. All was dark and silent once more.


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Fri May 16, 2008 6:21 pm
enzoguy15 says...



Really good start I enjoyed it. But work with the characters a little more. I would like to read more.




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Mon May 12, 2008 9:50 pm
Silverwit says...



You have a nice start but you need to work with your characters. Actually breathe life in to them and make them seem real.




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Sun May 11, 2008 2:43 pm
absoccer23 says...



edited prologue and chapter 1 coming soon...




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Fri May 09, 2008 1:14 pm
-cauan- says...



it was a really good start of a story. I would like to read more. :lol:




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Fri May 09, 2008 10:55 am
rubberduck wrote a review...



I'd love to read the next part! :)
I know it's probably not my place to say this but, maybe you should describe the mansion a bit more. Describing helps the reader imagine the scene in his head. (I've got a problem with describing my scenes.. so, it's really not my place to comment about the lack of description.)

Anyway, nice prologue. :)




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Fri May 09, 2008 3:32 am
Ghostwriter wrote a review...



This was quite good for a general beginning. But It didn't leave enough for a hint.
Was it a diffrent time frame? Where they in some crazy hospital? Who was the Protangist?
It was generally good for a prolauge. I would like to read the next story.
I give this a 4/5.




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Thu May 08, 2008 11:38 pm
sylverdawn wrote a review...



It needs a bit more work, as a prologue you should drop a few more hints, who are these people why did someone betray them, what are they running, overall it works wall as a prologue and intrigues the reader.

The death needs to have more impact, the guy just stabs him and leaves, like this the screams leave a stronger impression then the murder itself.

Still I really like it and would like to read more if you post more.




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Wed May 07, 2008 10:32 pm
helpless42 wrote a review...



ha ha!(not a funny laugh, a "I found something I like" laugh) loved it. great beginning, but like king said, a little more description wouldn't hurt. I understand this is a prologue and is supposed to leave the reader wanting more (which by the way, I cant wait for the next installment!) so don't put in a lot of description, just enough to let us know what your seeing. other than that, I don't see anything wrong with it. Keep writing!




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Tue May 06, 2008 11:25 pm
SuicideKing wrote a review...



Interesting start. It needs more substance to it, however. More description, in particular. Character appearance, setting, and action all could use adding to, because right now everything seems very superficial. Use more imagery, and be sure to describe character positions and actions precisely, lest they be confused with one another. The setting could definitely be better described; right now all we have is trees and a white mansion. Give us some details. Let us see the mansion in our mind's eye. What makes it a mansion? The size? The quality? Give us clues as to both of these aspects.

--King





Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak