Young Writers Society

hey! I think your poem is awesome, but like others have said before, it could use some punctuation. I know some people have offered you some suggestions, but here are some of mine. I underlined them for you:

I’ll cry these tears and hope;
Hope that my screams will reach your ears;
That you will come to save me.
Is it possible to die of a broken heart?
I feel that’s what’s happening now...
I’m crying now,
These relentless tears.
I see your face
And my heart twists.
It hurts to know you won’t love me.
Why?
Because I’m not what you’re expecting? (or a period if it's a statement)
I’m not what you want? (or a period if it's a statement)
It still hurts here.
A pain I feel that can’t be erased
Please make the pain stop!
Make it stop, please…
I’m still crying now
With these words, I’m hoping my heart can forget you
But with the air of love around,
It makes it hard to be able to forget.
And the way you made my heart hurt,
How you turned my love for you into pain,
I don’t know how I can forget that.
I’m reaching out for you,
Hoping you will come into my arms,
To make the pain stop.
I look toward the sky,
Thinking that maybe you’re under the same stars I am. (or a comma)
Feeling the breeze on my skin,
Sending shivers down my spine,
Remembering how your touch did the same,
Remembering how your kisses would make my heart flutter.
But now just thinking about it gives me a pang of hurt.
My heart aches to be with yours again.
But I know it can never be,
So I’ll just have to sit idly,
Waiting for someone to mend my broken heart…

Of course, as you know, these are just some suggestions, so feel free to use or not use them. your choice

I agree with Suzanne. You definitely need more punctuation and you need to captivate your reader. All of this is telling, but if you decide you're going to tell us everything, please do not put in cliché parts. It bores me--and probably everyone else.

As for the punctuation, I'll find a few snippets. Things in red are what I'd put. I left a few out so you can get the gist.

I’ll cry these tears and hope,
Hope that my screams will reach your ears
That you will come to save me--
--Is it possible to die of a broken heart?
I feel that’s what’s happening now.
I’m crying now
These relentless tears
I see your face
And my heart twists.
It hurts to know you won’t love me
Why?
Because I’m not what you’re expecting.
I’m not what you want.

Wow. First off, punctuation is your best friend. You're not ignoring it all together, you're just neglecting it occasionally. I suggest you punctuate this so it makes grammatical sense. It is a giant ramble to begin with; it doesn't need help by having no punctuation to let your reader breathe.

I also suggest you read some poetry. Maybe you have before, but I suggest you read some more. Good poetry isn't a rant like this. This is more like a blog or journal entry in verse. A poem should, for starts, have some kind of structure, or at least, have a reason for lacking structure. You need to make your reader feel, think, change their beliefs about something. You must engage your reader. If you just talk to them about something, we won't care. I have to care about your speaker and her problems, and more than anything, I have to relate to the speaker and feel what she feels. I don't feel anything here. It's just a big Me, Myself, I party, otherwise known as Navel Gazing.

Keep in mind that using imagery and metaphor are also beautiful. Word choice is important too. But I think, before you get into the "heavy stuff" of poetry, you should work on holding back all the telling, and instead creating a picture, explaining through something other than just telling. ^^ I'm sure that sounded confusing. Read some poetry! I promise it will help.