Young Writers Society

I'm not going to tell you that it's overdone and cliche. As most things we experience in life have already been experienced some way or the other. So just because many people have gone through this doesn't mean you can't write about it. You can! And you should. But show it to us from your point of view. Make it more personal and unique. Make it obvious that is was written by you! I mean I could pick up a pen and paper and write the same thing and I'd get away with it. But make sure work screams with your originality and your personality. Make it obvious that it's you who wrote it.

Hope this makes sense!

Hey

Hmm.

Falling.
Pleading.
You must stay.
I need you.
Forever and a day.

Watching me [s]struggle from the ropes of our love[/s],
you say it's over and [s]lightning falls from above.[/s]
I take the [s]knife that you thrusted into my heart[/s],
and ripped the ropes of love apart.

As I come to stand, my face is strianed.
you kick me as I fall, my expression is pain.
I've been punted out of my happiness phase,
into dark and gloomy days.

While on the cold earth, you kick me again,
I wail, what happened to my boyfriend?

The guy I knew was loving,
but I guess that some things change.
Through my mind I think about our memories, while you re-arrange my face.

Finally you back off [s]of[/s] me,

with the blood running down my face merrily.

*Bang* That's my mind, you killed it with all these cliches. It's not even that well done. You go over so many of them. Next it's hardly original. Oh boohoo my boyfriend left I feel like writing a contrive and me poem about how he hurt me.

Navelgazing: Telling us a story all about you, in the me sorta sense. You don't give us any sense of emotion other than your anger. But we don't feel it so it feels trite and jaded.

Overall: I can't say a good thing about this poem, it seriously felt like tons of braincells commited Hari Kari after reading it. So drop the emoness drop the navelgazing and actually make it feel it! Or it's void and just a rant which annoys us because it's so emo and navelygazing.

Good luck
VSN

For somebody rather young, I thought this was quite a good poem.

Writing for love is a pas wrote:Through my mind I think about our memories, while you re-arrange my face.

I'm not great with love poems so I too found this one particularly over the top.

The rhyme scheme is slightly erratic: you establish one at the beginning and then it changes around throughout the poem.

Once an idea has been established, try to convey it in several ways to keep the reader on their toes e.g. instead of writing 'the ropes of love' a second time, try something like 'the ties that bind' or any other phrase that conjures up the same image.

Good luck.

This poem is nice, good work, but I thought it was kinda 'overdone' and cliched.