Young Writers Society

Hi, RG!

I have to say -- I'm addicted. Especially after this intriguing addition. I will definitely be reading on.

And again, I'm sorry if I repeat something someone else has already said.

Their happiness was complete.

I agree with JFW; this is a little cliché. And it's supposed to be, no? But it felt a little dorky to me. Like one of those flashbacks in movies to "better times" when they were a complete family, and the lighting was orange and the kids were playing and the parents were beaming. Nothing wrong with it, I guess, it's just a common technique. *shrug*

They had walked into the room to see their child ingesting what was to her body the equivalent of poison, and panic had ensued, but when they reached the emergency room, none of the strange symptoms were there.

Rather than saying "the equivalent of" why don't you just say "equivalent to"? It seems simpler to me, and it would probably improve the flow if the whole sentence.

Outside of the window, she saw something.

To help with the confusion here, I suggest you say "Outside of the CAR window..."
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Wow. This is eerie. I like it, but I'm not quite sure what to think.

I assume this will all be wrapped up later on.

The time jump is a bit weird, since it's the opposite of a flashback (a flashforward? lol). Maybe you can try to make it more graceful by making the party scene be italic, or something?

And even though this seemed to bother JFW1415, I like the matter-of-fact telling of the story. Being me, I would still like to see a tad more imagery/description, but I guess it's not really needed. I also really like the way you use time to your advantage in this piece as a whole, part one isn't actually before part two, and the flashback is backwards.

It all adds to the somewhat disorienting, surreal feel. And even though I normally wouldn't like it, it works so well for this story that I'm in love with it. Please don't change it! Please?

I am enthralled, and will try to get the next piece reviewed for ya as soon as I can. ^_~

PM me if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

Nit-Picks

Melody looked up from her car seat, giggling. Her mother was smiling at her from the passenger seat, tickling her toes. Melody squirmed and laughed harder. Her father joined the laughter, grinning at her through the rearview mirror. Their happiness was complete.

The last sentence really bothered me – clichéd much?

She had [s]been[/s]was like this until she was about five, [s]and [/s]when she had gone to a birthday party where they served chopped walnuts on the cake.

Little Melody beamed at her parents, and turned her head. Outside of the window, she saw something. No one knows what it was, but whatever was there made the young child shriek and writhe around in her car seat. The happy faces of the young parents turned dismal and grey.

The ‘no one knows what it was’ part really bothers me. That should pretty much be ditched.

Overall Comments

Ohh…creepy aspect coming on.

Big Jump

They had walked into the room to see their child ingesting what was to her body the equivalent of poison, and panic had ensued, but when they reached the emergency room, none of the strange symptoms were there.

Little Melody beamed at her parents, and turned her head.

That needs a much better transition. Somehow you need to let us know that time changed. But what time is the second paragraph, anyway? I can’t even figure out the girl’s age.

You need to figure out when you want her to scream, and then show it for herself. Is it when she came home from the hospital? If so, say something like ‘Melody beamed at her parents as they drove home from the hospital, then turned to look out the window, completely oblivious to the fact that she just survived what should have been deadly.’ Something to let us know when it is.

Sentence Structure

Sam rants about this for your first part, and all I can do is echo her. For most of this (the first paragraph especially) I had to force myself to read. Why? Because the sentences are so similar. It’s boring! Spice it up a bit.

Last Notes

A short critique follows a short piece. It’s good, but this kind of bothered me. Why’d it come after part two? Why couldn’t you just show us this (maybe say something about how her medical expenses had made them lose so much money?) when she’s 11, and turn that part into a prologue? Then you won’t have to have the ugly little ‘aged eleven/two/twenty.’

It’s still pretty good, though. I want to know what happened, so I shall go read part three.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Hey again, Randomgrrl!

That's insane. Poor girl--hopefully the connection shall be explained in the next chapter or so?

This was a short section, so I apologize in advance that I don't have a whole lot to say! However, there was:

Little Five-Month-Old Melody beamed at her parents, and turned her head. Outside of the window, she saw something.

Here, I'm not exactly sure where Melody is. At first, I thought she was in the emergency room, but then, you never quite explained what was in the emergency room, so I couldn't be certain if there was even a window to look out of. This is kind of an important revelation on her behalf! Make sure we know where she is before she starts freaking out.

No one knows what it was, but whatever was there made the young child shriek and writhe around in her car seat. The happy faces of the young parents turned dismal and grey.

You're going to want to be careful about what I call, "Creepy Kid Syndrome"--that is, you feel the need to make every character I See Dead People. Is there a way you could make this unclichèd? Look at the parents' reaction--do they think she's faking it? Do they think that this is her allergic reaction?

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As usual, prod me if you have any questions. ^_^