The story is good so far. It had grammar mistakes but so far good.
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When they need her
Dear gramps,
Guess what? I Just got accepted into a large business in Japan! Your son told me that I can’t go to Japan…after all, I barely know how to speak English!
But I’m really hopeful that I will find my life’s calling in a new setting. And I hope for your health and mine…
I just landed, I will send you the letter soon!
Jason O. Barth
I got out of baggage and looked around. There was a lot of American food outlets around here. But of course. That is common in airports.
I left the cafeteria with a knot in my stomach. Note to self: Never eat right after a 12 hour flight. I checked my cell phone messages and saw that I got a email from the company. I opened it and saw that they send a worker from the company.
I smiled and then saw something unexpected. A 19 year old girl was standing next to the limo drivers, taxi cabs, with a sign that said my name. What was really unexpected that she looked like something I expect from a star trek convention.
She wore a strange outfit and had dyed her hair purple. She looked like something I saw from one of my friends anime shows. What was it called, Narko….Naro….whatever.
I walked up to the girl “ Hey.”
She looked up and nodded her head. We stood there for a minute and then I said,” I’m here.”
She nodded her head and then looked around. She pouted for a bit.
“ Um…Jason Barth? Here?”
The girl then putted down her sign and held out her hand.” Sorry, Not good with English.”
That was weird. I only said three words….many would have seemed to notice that by now.
“ the company car is over there, and we will start with a tour of Tokyo made by me, Tinka Katsone!” She walked to a black corvette and she got in. I felt like there is something wrong getting in a car with a girl who was wearing that kind of outfit.
“ You come?” She yelled. People looked my way and I quickly went into the car.
Dear Gramps,
I guess I can say that it is going okay, but I met this weird girl named Tinka Katsone. She is in the photo I send you in the envelope? A weird outfit right? She said she was doing something called a Cosplay convention while she gave me a tour of Tokyo. I don’t know what Cosplay is, but I’m sure that it has to do with anime or something like that.
Cheers, Jason
Tinka was really strange as she showed me around. She kept doing poses for these people and they took pictures of her. Is that some Japanese costum, where if someone is wearing something really freaky, they take pictures of her? That’s messed up.
As we head through to the residential area of Tokyo, she looked at me in
the mirror and asked,” where are you from?”
“ Um…I’m from New york and…”
“ YOU WERE IN THAT MOVIE!”
“ What?” I was confused. I don’t remember being in a movie.
“ That movie, with the giant monster tearing everything up!”
I knew what she was talking about,” THAT movie? I wasn’t in that.”
“ You look like him.”
Fat chance. I looked more like the guys brother. But I just kept my mouth shut.
“ Here we are!”
She jumped out of the car and walked up to a Apartment building. I sighed and got out of the car. The apartment was HUGE! It must be 39 floors! I felt sick. I hate heights.
“ Your on the 37th floor.” Tinka said with a smile as she went inside.
“ Great.” I whispered and followed her with a gulp.
I waited in the elavator as Tinka yawned and leaned against me.
“ What are you doing?” I asked with a tired expresson on my face.
“ I’m pooped, and not only that I had to show you around the area so you don’t get lost.”
I feel special. She continued to lean onto me. I slowly began to slide away. She began to fall to the floor and she grabbed anything that was close…and that was my crotch.
“ OY!” I yelled with a whimpered and heard her sigh.
“ Please…get off!”
She looked up and then pulled her hand away quickly. “EW! EW!”
She wiped her hand against the wall of the elevator and shivered.
“ Don’t you ever say anything about that!”
Yeah, Like I would be bragging to everyone in japan that a woman grabbed my crotch by mistake. But I said nothing.
Dear Gramps,
I arrived at my apartment and got most of my things unpacked, Including the Typewriter. I feel that people rely on Word processer too much for writing needs when all they need is a $100 typewriter. Tinko left to do her cosplay and I was left to fend for myself in these new surroundings. Root for me.
Jason
I looked outside the window and groaned. I felt my head hit the glass and I looked completely down…and I ran for the bathroom.
“ Hello?” I said into the phone as I looked at the place. It has a western style bathroom and a double bed and a good living room with cable TV. All provided by the company as a Benefit.
“ Yeah, I was wondering if you could bring room service to my room? You can? Great. Send up a…” I looked at the menu,” A Fish wrapped in this leaf, and a sandwich? Thank you.” I hanged up the phone and then sat on the bed. I smiled.
This wasn’t turning as bad as I thought.
I then heard someone knocking at my door. I walked out of my room and opened the door to reveal a 22 year old girl standing there. She stared at
me blankly and sniffed the air.
She had yellow eyes and looked at Jason and said with a blank expression,”
I’m your new neibor, Chizu Hazuka.”
I should have just slammed the door right then. I should have just hid under the covers and hoped that she would stop knocking. But I didn’t.
I would have if I had know of those other things.
Those things that were watching the both of us then.
Hey there! That was a pretty good start, and I too, really liked the letters to home. They helped establish a good flow in the piece. I also found myself very interested in and curious about your main character. His reaction to Chizu's visit intrigued me.
Note to self: Never eat right after a 12 hour flight.
“ the company car is over there, and we will start with a tour of Tokyo made by me, Tinka Katsone!”
As we head through to the residential area of Tokyo,
I felt sick. I hate heights.
The letters back home did a nice job of keeping me interested in the story. Grammar mistakes were distracting but looked easily fixable. Quite a few verbs were in conflicting tenses. I agree with Leahweird in that I'm not getting a sense of this fitting into fantasy but it also isn't finished so that could be coming later. I'd be interested to see how the plot progresses. Also if you wanted to do some research into foreign food and come up with a specific name for the dish besides fish in leaf thing it may add a touch of authenicity. Just curious but how does the main charachter magically know the ages of these strange girls? Feel free to PM me with the rest of the story or I'll check it out once you post it.
This stated out well, but you have major grammar and spelling issues. Most of them are probably typos, but you should check that out.
Also, I don't really see how this counts as fantasy.
I liked what you had going in the first letter. Try and keep that tone in the rest of the peice.
Points: 890
Reviews: 6
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