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Young Writers Society



A Clean Bite--Chapter 1 part 2

by Vampy_Girl15


Oh Monday morning! Hooray! I just hope I get through this glorious sunny day in one piece. Well the bus wasn’t so bad. Just the same as always the rowdier kids in the back. I sat with this freshman girl who looked harmless enough. Carver went straight to the back. He never had any trouble meeting people, one of those traits we didn’t share. When we got to school it was like a flow of kids getting off way to fast, a few people fell. I felt really bad but didn’t dare stop and risk being plowed over and trampled. I went to the front office with Carver to get our schedules. Luckily it wasn’t too far into the year just about two weeks, and I was in the advanced math and science programs at my old school. Carver was in advanced math and English. The lady at the front desk introduced herself as Pearl.

“You’re Carver and Rose Tresser, aren’t you? Your mother called earlier.”

God! Are you kidding me?

“Rosalie.”

“Excuse me?” my name isn’t Rose!

“Her name, she prefers for people using her full name Rosalie.”

“Oh I’m sorry honey. Your mom called you Rose. I guess it’s just a habit of hers, huh?” Yes it is. “Unfortunately”

“Oh well here are your schedule darlings.” Well, I had history first, Carver was off to English.

Maybe I could sleep a little more considering it was history. When I got there, it was a fairly a small class, about 15 or so students, give or take. But it wasn’t small number of students that had me staring like an idiot. There behind the teachers desk sat Lewis. Ha! Lewis was my history teacher. I should have figured that out though, all night long he had told me the history of crap I didn’t care about. I walked up to him to give the paper stating that I was new, but of course he already knew that.

“Uh, Hi Lew ….. I mean Mr.” um, what was his last name? Oh god!

“Oh, uh hi, you’re the new student right?” Oh how well he plays things off.

“Yes, Rosalie Tresser. Nice to meet you Mr.?” still waiting what I should call you outside of my house.

“Mr. Casing” Casing, Sarah Casing, it sounds good with my mom’s name.

“Oh well nice to meet you Mr. Casing”

“You as well Rose,” ugh! He gets that from my mother I know it.

“Rosalie, Mr. Casing.”

“Okay, Rosalie. Why don’t you introduce yourself to the class?” Oh of course the dreaded introduction that every new student must endure. I would think that should really stop in at least middle school. Well all I basically said was my name and where I came from then sat where Lewis told me to.

Class went by in a blur, mostly reviews of what we learned last year. I would have a long talk with my mom about this later. I could tell he wanted to talk to me after but there were too many people trying to get his attention about an upcoming test. I caught up with Carver in the hall and we shared our opinions on each teacher.

“He is our history teacher. Our mom is dating our history teacher!”

“Calm down Rosalie, can’t be that bad. What’s his name so I don’t look like an idiot?”

“Oh you mean like I did? It’s Casing.”

“Casing, okay the English teacher isn’t so bad. A bit batty but cool.” He smiled the smile that made the girls back home melt. I wonder if he was over Emily and already looking at the girls here.

“Batty you say? We should get along just fine. I’ll see you in lunch.” We said our farewells and headed to our next classes.

Mine was science, it was like the last except the teacher wasn’t dating my mom, I tried to pay attention, and there were more kids. I met this guy who was my lab partner. He told me where they were in the class and offered, after class, to show me around and take me to the lunch room. I agreed because he was the only person who had talked to me today that was a student and was very considerate. He had bright aqua blue eyes, sandy blond hair that hung down in his face and black rimmed glasses. He wore cigarette jeans and a band t-shirt and said his name was Alvin.

“So, you came from were exactly?”

“Georgia, I lived up in the mountains.” It was so nice there to, I hope for visits soon.

“Oh, that explains your accent.” What oh god I was trying to hide this, my accent?

“Oh,” I gave a nervous laugh, “I was trying to hide that. Oh well now everyone knows I’m from the south!”

“Ha! Yea it’s kind of obvious, but don’t worry it’s appealing, intriguing, you know?”

“No, not really but I’ll take your word for it.” It was easy to be myself around Alvin, even though his wide penetrating aqua eyes seem to see right through me.

“So, do you want lunch or the tour first?”

“Well, let’s have lunch first, and then I can talk and get to know you more. Plus I told my brother I would see him there.” dumbest thing to say in all actuality I was hungry and I know he could tell.

“Oh you have a brother? Yes I think lunch first, I’m hungry”

As he led me to the lunch room we talked about music, clothes, the school, and a few other things. We were a lot alike and like I said it was easy to talk to him. When we sat down at what he call “sanctuary” he introduced me to his friends. They were all happy to meet me, he introduced one by one with a little statement about each.

“This is Carol, crazy but great to be around. She’ll have you shopping for hours”

“Jonathan, kind of a nerd but he has stuff on everyone in this school, good and bad”

“Ah, Freddy we call him Fredric to bug him. He’s good at scheming though.”

“And Lisette, she’ll bail you out of any trouble you get in. We call her Lis though.”

“You guys this is Rosalie, she moved here from Georgia,” he said this with the funniest fake accent ever, “and from what I know so far, she is my female double.” They accepted me with open arms and a lot of telling who people where, who to stay away from and why.

Each of them looked like themselves. They expressed themselves freely. Carol had long blonde hair and faded blue eyes, she was very tall too. Jonathan was very tan and kind of looked like the typical surfer. Freddy looked geeky but cool at the same time. And Lisette, she was very frail looking. She had jet black hair that went to her chest; she had bright green eyes that were enticing. She looked like a model.

“So Rosalie how do you like it here so far?” Carol said this in a way that sounded more like ‘this school sucks doesn’t it?’

“It’s okay I guess, I’m not too happy about the fact that I have gym.”

“Ha! When do you have it? I have it 6th” Jonathan sounded deeply concerned about me; I figured that he probably thought I got a bad teacher or something.

“I have it 6th too and my teacher is Higgins”

“Oh, that’s good, you’re in my class. Be glad you didn’t get Tubechy.”

“Oh thanks, this school is so huge I have no idea where anything is!”

Lisette asked me quietly, “what do you have next?”

“I have English” Carol lit up with excitement.

“Great you have that with Lis and me!”

As the small talk went on I told them what Georgia was like, they seemed intrigued. I was looking around the lunch room at everyone, looking for Carver. He had found a group and was paying no mind to me. Great I was being ignored by my own brother. No problem I would be petty and ignore him the rest of the day.

I met a few people’s gazes, but not a lot. There was one face I kept returning to, it was a boy with dark hair that was spiked up. He had beautiful pale skin which intrigued me because everywhere else I looked there was tan, tan, and even more tan! Now, I am exaggerating a bit; there were some pale kids, but the majority was tan.

When Alvin noticed I was staring at the boy he laughed under his breath and said, “I knew it would be just a matter of time before Ian Grace caught your eye,” he stopped a minute to get another glance at Ian, “he is very… interesting. I guess you would say that. He is quite popular with the girls, and even some boys. He has a sibling, her name is Claudia. She’s in drama club. He is in music club. I think he plays piano and guitar.” When I looked back at Ian he was looking directly at me. I really couldn’t tell from this distance but his eyes seemed even more hypnotizing than Alvin’s. I could tell they were talking about me at his table because a few others were looking.

“You okay Rosalie? You look kind of retarded just staring at him like that.”

“Oh, my god shut up! I wasn’t staring, I was just thinking. That’s all, I have a brother too. His name is Carver.” I pointed to over where Carver was sitting at the same table as Ian.

“Oh yes, of course you weren’t looking at Ian. The one with the black hair is your brother? You do look a lot alike, how old is he?”

“We’re twins.”

“Oh that’s right; he was in my English class.”After our discussion Alvin led me to my next class because Carol and Lisette had already left.

When I got into the English class room it looked just like any other, silly little posters all over the walls. Then I saw Carol and Lisette they were telling me to come sit with them, but I had to turn in that dreaded paper that said that I was new and needed to be babied through every little thing. When I saw the English teacher I introduced myself to her and she is the one who introduced me to the class, along with saying they needed to be nice to me. I thought that was unnecessary, if they were going to be nice they would be, if not they wouldn’t. I noticed that the girl that Alvin told me was Ian’s fraternal twin sister was in my class. She was easily as beautiful. She had long white blond with black lowlights. Her eyes were big and close together, they were a light green color with honey specks. The teacher, Mrs. Sater, told me to sit anywhere I like. Of course I sat with Carol and Lisette, but there was a seat next to Claudia open that I was tempted to go sit at. Mrs. Sater talked on and on about some book report due Carol and I talked a bit, and Lisette seemed to be listening to the teacher.

When English was finally over it was time for math which, depending on what it was, would be okay. The math room was very small and cramped. Luckily there weren’t too many students in this class. The teacher sat me down in a desk. The desks in some of the classes were very different to the ones in Georgia. They each were like a mini square table. I was at a table with one boy and two empty seats. The boy introduced himself has Captain of the football team, Josh. After he so formally introduced himself he turned to talk to a cute little blond girl. Now I’m just taking a wild guess but it was probably the cheerleading Capitan. I could see Carver come in and introduce himself to the teacher. Mr. Honeys wouldn’t even think about putting siblings at the same table so he was as far from me as possible. He was trying to get my attention but I was still cross about lunch. The next thing that happened was utterly amazing. Ian grace walked in, then sat down next to me. Now I’m not one of those girls you would see drooling all over for a guy, but when he sat down, I have to say that I just about fell over! He was taller than I thought, and I was right about the eyes. They were the total opposite to his sister’s. They looked like an ocean at night. Once again I was staring and it was completely obvious to everyone. Suddenly he turned towards me and started to speak,

“Hey your that new girl, Rose, right?” I just looked at him for another minute before I could speak.

“Um, actually it’s Rosalie. Nice to meet you, Ian?” he didn’t look surprised that I knew his name. He actually looked quite pleased and arrogant.

“Yeah, that’s me. What have you heard?” did he really just ask me what I heard about him? It was like he was saying “let’s talk about me” it was very arrogant.

“Well that you had a sister and you’re in music club. You’re popular with girls, and some guys,” he laughed a small laugh at that, “and you play guitar and piano.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t tell you more.”

“Who?” how did he know a guy told me this stuff?

“That kid, Alvin. I saw you guys talking at lunch.”

“How do you know he told me that stuff?”

“Just a lucky guess,” my heart stopped when he flashed me his dazzling smile, he laughed like he could hear it skip a beat.

“So you came from Georgia?”

“Yeah, my brother and I came to live with my mother.”

“Oh, right I had lunch with him I think.”

“Yes, he’s over there across the room.”

“Oh really, so you guys are twins. Claudia and I are twins.”

“I know she’s in my English class.”

“So where in Georgia exactly did you come from?”

“Up in the mountains,” yes the nice mountain air I no longer posses.

“I heard it was nice in the mountains.”

“Well it’s not the sunny death ya’ll have here but, yes, it’s nice.” I gave him the most sarcastic smirk I had.

“Ha! So I take it you don’t like the sun”

“Well I don’t dislike it, it’s just I’d rather be un-burnt.”

“Then wear sun screen”

“If I were in Georgia I wouldn’t have to unless I was going to the beach.”

“True, but here you get the nice breeze.” He gave me another convincing smile.

“What breeze, the only reason I’m not dying right now is because the A/C in turned up.”

“You’re not very optimistic, are you?”

“I’d like to think I am” he laughed and I noticed class was almost over.

“What is your next class” I hope he doesn’t get to see me in gym, I love trying new things but if he were there I would probably get hit in the head with the ball while I was looking at him.

“I have gym then music.”

“Oh your musical?” he seemed to be intrigued.

“Yes, I sing and play the piano.” A new smile played on his face, a heavenly one with a bit of devilish intentions thrown in.

“Well then Rosalie, I’ll see you in music.” He was still smiling when he left the room.

I was not happy to get to gym. For one it smelled like sweat and second I had to remove my jacket. I felt odd without it. Once I got out of the locker room and went to my class they had us run and stretch but all the while I was thinking about the heavenly devilish grin that played on Ian’s face when I told him I sang and played piano. I’m guessing it is me playing piano that he can’t wait to hear. Probably to hear me make a fool of myself, but what he doesn’t know is I’ve been playing since I was three years old and there was no way he could beat me at something like that. When I asked Jonathan if he played anything else he said he’d heard he sang too. When I heard this news I was excited, even though he could destroy me at playing the guitar he could never beat me at singing possibly piano but I doubt it.

Time for music, I couldn’t wait to get there and prove to him I could play well. When I got there, once again, there weren’t too many kids, just ten or twelve. I felt lucky; I had been getting the small classes all day. This music room was fully equipped. It had 2 pianos, 4 guitars (electric and acoustic) including amps, and a very nice sound system.

I walked up to this bright and cheery looking man who was evidently my new music teacher. He introduced himself as Mr. Waltson. He was quite nice and introduced me very warmly to the class. In his class we were put into groups since I played piano and sang I was in with three girls and two guys, one of which was Ian. When he saw me that devilish grin came again. He was walking to me by then.

“I hope you’re ready to play.”

“Why?” I was truly curious; everyone else looked as if they were just practicing on their own or in small groups of two or three.

“Mr. Waltson? I would like to battle it out with Rosalie here, just to see where she is and all.” Apparently it was a thing here that if someone wanted to prove they were better than you they would ask to “battle” you.

“I think that is a great idea Ian.”

“Wait. Battle it out?” I wasn’t ready to try and beat him yet!

“Yea, come on I’ll go easy on you.”Oh yea, I can tell by that smirk on your face that you will! At least I know what the devilish smirk was for earlier, and why there are a few of every instrument.

“Well since your new Rose you can go first.” Oh joy! I get to go first. This teacher hasn’t gotten use to my hysterical fake expressions yet. Unfortunately Ian had picked up that I was nervous but cause he couldn’t contain his laughter. I would beat him now.

“And I can choose anything?”

“Of course” I already know what I would play.

“Can it be a Christmas song?” Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, “Yes, we all love Christmas songs here. Just wait till our Christmas show; you’ll have a lot of fun. Do you need any sheet music?”

“No, I’m fine.” I sat down at the grand black one, but Ian stopped me.

“That is the piano I use.” Ha! It was my turn to use a devil smile.

“Well today you’ll use the other one.” He looked at me as if I had just suggested to jump off a bridge but smiled a little and let me sit. I started playing; I had always loved to play Chestnuts and had memorized it by age eleven. When it got to the singing section I started to sing, I figured that would put me in head of him at least a little bit even if I did make a few mistakes which I wouldn’t. A few people looked upon me in awe other smiled and hummed along. But the face I wanted to see react was Ian’s. He was concentrating on my fingers moving lightly over the keys of the piano. As he watched he smiled. I was coming to the end of the song, I made it as pretty as possible. Then ended with the lightest touch of my finger, everyone applauded my playing. Ian was already at the other piano. He noticed he grimaced a little because it wasn’t “his” piano, but he soon got over it. He wasn’t playing a Christmas song; it was Mr. Brightside by the killers. I had never heard it on piano, it was very soothing. But when he started to sing I almost fell off the piano bench. It was like melodic sound waves bouncing around the whole room. I found myself staring once again like an idiot in awe. Although this time I wasn’t alone; everyone in the room was staring at this godly boy playing a song with so many other instruments and still making it sounded perfect with just the piano. After he was finished the cheering was loud and thunderous. He looked over to me still staring and clapping and laughed; it wasn’t a mocking laugh, I’m sure it was just my expression. Everyone told us how good we were and that we were great the rest of class we just messed around with instruments and CDs. After the bell rang I couldn’t wait to get on the bus and go home but Ian stopped me and asked me if I wanted a ride because he knew how the buses could be.

“What about your sister?”

“She doesn’t ride with me, she has her own car.” Of course she does. Everyone in my grade has a car but me. “So do you, or don’t you?”

“Yes, I’d love a ride. Thanks. Oh wait my brother.” Darn him, why did I have to think about it?

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. Look he’s already getting on the bus with some chums.” Chums, I thought that was an odd choice of words. I payed no mind to it and walked with him to his car. When we got to his car I was yet again staring.

“That seems to happen to you a lot.”

“What do you mean?” I already knew what he meant, the staring, but I was playing dumb. “Staring at everything about me,” More smirking from him, he seems to do that a lot!

“Who says I only stare at stuff about you?”

“Well it’s kind of obvious.” Oh wonderful!

“Well you know, when I see a nice car I’m going to stare.” Plus this was not just a “nice car” it was a Mustang GT in a blue color that was sort of metallic.

“Just the best” of course all the best for you!

“Of course”

“Well I’m guessing you like it since you were gawking at it.” Duh, I like it but I’ll never admit that to you. “So where do you live?”

“On Granville Avenue,” I like the street it has nice it’s nice and shaded. “It’s a privet residence I’ll show you where to turn.” We talked about the competition we had a little.

“You were better than I thought you would be.”

“Ditto, your voice is, nice.” Ditto, who says that anymore? And nice doesn’t describe his voice. “Thank you, your voice isn’t that bad either.” Isn’t that bad? Well I guess that is all an arrogant guy like him can find as a compliment to someone else.

“Turn down that little hidden road there.” He didn’t have any trouble seeing, it most people would have passed it or had to stop short unless they knew where it was. When he stopped at the house I thanked him for the ride and told him I would see him tomorrow. He stayed till I got in the house and all the way I could feel his eyes on my back following me. I turned to wave as he was pulling away, he smiled and waved back. My mother wasn’t home yet so I decided to do what little homework they gave me at school and wait to talk to her about Lewis. I could hear Carver in his room listening to music. Most likely he was doing his homework at the same time so I decided to sit in the dining room to do mine.


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Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:23 pm
pshhxhoney wrote a review...



Uh, not to be mean, but Ian sounds a lot like Edward from Twilight. I suggest you mix it up a little, I mean you don't have to change everything about Ian, but make him a little less like Edward.

On some words you are missing a letter. Also you have to seperate some of your dialoge, and you are missing some commas.

I really like this so far! You are a really good writer! Keep writing!




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Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:50 am
Abocreature wrote a review...



Still some grammatical errors in this, but it seemed like less of them.

I like how you describe her feelings and how she's (in my opinion) denying that she likes him. I think you should make her incident affect her life more, like when she stares at him she suddenly stops, fearing she would make the same mistake. And I think she should be a little sad around the group because she can't reveal her mistake to them, so she must keep a secret from her new friends.

Great story! I really like it! I can't wait to read more!




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Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:45 pm
bear wrote a review...



Hi, Vampy_Girl!

You need to work on your grammar. I found a lot of run - ons, and missing punctuation, especially towards the middle, and it got very distracting. It also got very confusing.

For example:

He noticed he grimaced a little because it wasn’t “his” piano, but he soon got over it.


He noticed what? Besides, there should be a period between 'noticed' and 'he', or at least a conjunction and a comma or a semicolon. Both of these clauses could stand on their own as sentences.

This teacher hasn’t gotten used to my hysterical fake expressions yet


We don't know that her facial expressions are hysterical. In fact, you barely describe them. It's sort of like walking through a haze sometimes, and then, hey, this is what this is supposed to be, never mind what it really looks like. I'm very guilty of this. Body language is as big part of characterization.

While we're talking about characterization, I agree with Ashelylee. While I may not have read Twilight, I feel as if I've seen Ian's sort of character before. Give him a trait that makes him different, so we can identify with him.

He was quite nice and introduced me very warmly to the class. In his class we were put into groups since I played piano and sang I was in with three girls and two guys, one of which was Ian.


This is confusing. She complains so much about having to be introduced, and then she says "He was quite nice and introduced me very warmly to the class." What makes this intro different? Be sure to be consistent.

You’re popular with girls, and some guys,” he laughed a small laugh at that, “and you play guitar and piano.”


What's in bold is not what I would consider to be a speaker tag. I think that you should have a period after the first quotation, have the bold be it's own sentence, and then have the second quotation be it's own sentence.

When English was finally over it was time for math which, depending on what it was, would be okay.


What do you mean by this?

“This is Carol, crazy but great to be around. She’ll have you shopping for hours”
“Jonathan, kind of a nerd but he has stuff on everyone in this school, good and bad”
“Ah, Freddy we call him Fredric to bug him. He’s good at scheming though.”
“And Lisette, she’ll bail you out of any trouble you get in. We call her Lis though.”
“You guys this is Rosalie, she moved here from Georgia,”


The way you have these quotes seems strange to me. Usually, if you have one speaker, and there needs to be a separation of paragraphs in their speech, you leave where the last quote was open, and start the new paragraph with quotes. Like this:

"blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah. blah blah.
"Blah blah blah blah blah..," said Bart.

even though his wide penetrating aqua eyes seem to see right through me.


I think you should put commas between lists of adjectives. It's correct grammar. Also, those are a lot of adjectives. Didn't you already describe his eyes. I don't suggest doing it again. Maybe describe different aspects of them, but you already had said they were aqua, right?

When Rosalie thinks things that are not part of the main narration, things like "That's not my name!" After someone calls her Rose - it's confusing. Sometimes I can't catch where they are, and I think that you forgot to put a paragraph and quotations for when she's speaking.

I would suggest Italics. They make it easier to distinguish.

It needs a bit of work, and the grammar is a mess, but it could be something neat.




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Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:08 pm
Squishy wrote a review...



i like the use of 'batty'. its a fun word that we as language-downplaying humans don't use anymore and that fact that you threw it in gave me a good sense of the character saying it to.

at first, reading this, i though that the name Rosalie would be distracting because it was just recently used in the Twilight series and people have been throwing Twilight names out left and right. you pulled it off though by having everyone call her rose. just make sure that the name doesn't create the character to become synonymous with the twilight one.

is there a reason though, to her obvious disreguard for the name rose? why does hse like rosalie better?

more description of the school. i come from a small school with classes a mere 10-17, and there is definitly a good homey feel. everyone knows one another and knows one another very well. idk if the small class was a reflection on the school size or just a fluke. but small school leave no gossip to the imagination becuase everyone knows everything.




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Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:56 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hiya!

Here I am again! :D

Pretty much all my suggestions in the Chapter 1 Part 1 review is the same here. Punctuation, MC, the other characters, and the "she did" that and this. Stuff like that is all the same.

But I must add one thing I noticed!

1) IAN GRACE!! He sounds too much like Edward in Twilight. You need to make him unique. He can play piano like Edward, he is smug like Edward, he even has a nice car like Edward! Make IAN like no other guy you have ever met!

2) Again, I will mention DESCRIPTION! I am a freak on that too so I advise you describe you classes more. They all seem the same. And Alvin and her got along too quickly. It all went too fast for my taste!

So, I hope this helps! :D




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Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:33 pm
Maki-Chan says...



space out please ^_^




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Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:56 am
Ross wrote a review...



This is good, but elaborate on the boy. Why is she staring at him so much? Is Carver English because he used Brit slang and if not then take "batty" out and replace it with "crazy"

Very good. Needs polishing and the suggestions above.





*CLUCKING INTENSIFIES*
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