Young Writers Society

Ciao, OE! I'd forgotten that I'd commented already, lol. But I think you've changed it since then?

You have a few different images: lies slip, truth tastes, lies pile, there's a monster and decay, etc. It seems a little like these are just a series of statements, rather than a progression of ideas. I like the cause-effect progression, from the beginning where there's a description of the lies, then towards the end where there's the effect the lies had on the person. It just needs to be a little more connected and fluent.

I cannot look at you now,

all I see is a beast

you have come to be.

These lies have

created a monster

of you.

I finally see

the decaying creature

you have

become.

While the truth tastes bitter on your tongue.

I think this poem has a lot of potential, you just need to know where to go with it. As such, I'll pick it apart and offer many suggestions!

They slip from your lips
with ease.

While the truth tastes
bitter on your tongue.

They pile up,
feeding off
the rotting flesh
of your soul.

I cannot look at you now,
all I see is [s]a[/s] the beast
you have come to be.

These lies [s]have[/s]
created a monster
of you.

I finally see
the decaying creature
you [s]have
become[/s] are.

Well here I go again. (I hate double posting)

My main beef was it's so telling why not use a metaphor or personify it. Give us a feeling don't tell us what a lie is. We know what one is. Well we should. You need to show this. You're getting it but this rewrite still in early stages keep trying should get it. Just for emphasis: Show don't tell! It can work dramatically in making us more in tune with the poem.

Overall: You're getting there, but still in early stages but you'll get it. Just now think of how to show how a lie like this. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

This seems like a rant on lies. You use aggressive words then suddenly use a word like 'circulation' that doesn't fit. You know I needed to double check the title probably because it wasn't obvious it sortof fits. Not very well. It all telling rather than showing. I think Karina said it best. You can tell us about something but can ya show it?

Overall: This needs a huge overhaul and less agressive word instead show us rather than just telling us all. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

If you were to write out the list of what happens, it would go something like:

1. Strangle
2. Crush
3. Accumulate
4. Feed
5. Devour
6. What's left

(sorry that looks so macabre!) It was very segmented, so maybe if each section could lead into the next a little more?

Other than the title, I didn't see much having to do with lies. Almost anything could stand in for the "they" and I think that looking to solidify that aspect would add a finalizing dimension. With this decomposition imagery, how could you connect everything back to the concept of lying?

This isn't very good. I don't feel that all of these relate to lies. It seems like you are forcing imagery that doesn't really work with your topic.

Ooooh, creepy. Very nice, though. The imagery was very good. I'm not sure what your subject is. Oh, lies. *slaps self on forehead* I should read the titles! The only thing I can suggest in more punctuation, instead of just at the end.

Try capitalizing the first letter of the first word after each line break. The poem itself will look neater.
Content-wise, that was phenomenal. Great job.

I liked this. It has good imagry and a nice rythmn to it. I like the fact there is sorta a patten with the lines. Overall good job!

Hello! Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. ^^

They wrap around you,
strangling,
suffocating,
stealing your breath. [comma instead?]
Crushing you, [no comma] and
cutting off all circulation.

They feed off
the rotting flesh
of your soul. [comma instead]
Devouring anything left
of your once
vibrant personality. [no period]
Until all that you have
is the decaying
leftovers of what
used to be you.

Yuck. This is just description of what lies do to somebody. Big deal. I can tell you how to make a buffered system using chemistry, but just because I can give you a weak acid and a weak base that will end up having a pH of 7.0 doesn't mean you have any clue of what's actually going on.

Tell me how the lies affect somebody. Or, better yet, tell me how the lies affect me. You are addressing me, aren't you? So tell me about how numb my lips feel when I tell this lie. Tell me why I feel strangled. You're focusing on the wrong things. Why is always a more interesting question than how. Always.

PenguinAttack wrote:Think about it, and what you’re trying to say. Currently it feels like a collection of images without a story or reason behind it.

They wrap around you,
strangling,
suffocating,
stealing your breath.

You've given us these feelings, but not the why of it. Why do lies do this?

Crushing you,
cutting off all circulation.
They pile up,
gaining strength from
your weakened form.

I don't feel this. I don't even know what side of the lies I should feel like I'm on. If any.

They feed off
the rotting flesh
of your soul.

I don't understand how this ties in with the concept of lies. This is your problem.

Devouring anything left
of your once
vibrant personality.
Until all that you have
is the decaying
leftovers of what
used to be you.

There's not enough clarity, it doesn't feel like you're talking about lies. I looked at the poem before I saw the title, and I didn't know what the hell was going on. (Despite the fact that I do like that in poetry - when I saw the title I couldn't see the connection.) As PA said, the imagery you have doesn't connect to anything. The concept of Lies isn't apparent in the poem.

With a different concept at the core of this poem, it could actually make sense.

Really, if this were a poem about people... It could be changed a little bit and construed to be about feeding off others' self esteem. However, it's up to you if you want to change it or not.

Hi Tale!

Okay. I like what you have here, but it needs some work. You’ve got some great imagery, but it doesn’t connect to anything. You tell us it eats and wraps and changes you, but why? Why does the lie wrap, and why does it exist? This, in essence comes to one thing; I fail to be engaged, which is a problem. It is a good poem, but it just lacks a sense of substance, while I like it, and I enjoy the description it doesn’t have the *something* that’s needed to keep my attention.

Think about it, and what you’re trying to say. Currently it feels like a collection of images without a story or reason behind it. Perhaps think about it and give it another look. I’m confident you can do great with this. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Wow, Tiff, I reall like this. I liked how you deeply expalained what it's like to be lied to. I also lik how you can feel the emotion into this. Good work. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.