Young Writers Society

Definitely put it into poetry format, it would work good and not run on like a regular monologue. Though as for actual poetic value, it seems to be not unlike a sonnet, but at the same time not pure poetry in form. You have a bit of prose that works among the metaphors.

I have heard the tales that the gales have had to tell. I have cheated time and stole from it. i have walked the hall that leads to hell and now i know its path. I have sailed battles where mad waves of men aimed to smite me, with but my sword as an oar and my shield a row to steer me through. I run from truth, as a mad-man might flea from his shadow. I have kept way from love, in fear of what i might harm and so i grew numb. now the beating of my heart is but a mere thump upon a hollow wood. the sighs of my hurt a distant creak trailing the oldest night, that no one catches. now i wait. i linger as time draws near with its book in hand, collecting what is rightfully hers. I am a kin to the great Oak, rooted to one world and reaching for another."

The first 4 sentences have some structural issues. Though if you want it to rhyme in a part, lose the 'and now i know its path' in the third line. The fourth needs some help, its like a run on sentence.

"i linger as time draws near with its book in hand, collecting what is rightfully hers."

That line is a little unusual. Time is not death and I doubt time carries a book. It just seems awkward and out of place.

" I am a kin to the great Oak, rooted to one world and reaching for another."

I thought that was the World Tree, like from Norse mythology?

"I run from truth, as a mad-man might flea from his shadow."
Madman run from his shadow? Usually past, unless its schizophrenia.
"I run from the truth, as a madman fleeing from his past."

A nice piece, but it needs some work still.

I liked it.
Some very insane punctuation errors, coming from uncapitalizing the I's and such.
I think this'd be pretty good as a poem, arranged in a sonnet.
If you need fantasy help contact Vernon, though it doesn't seem like you need any. (Vernon's his name on YWS)

Yes, please put it in poetry format. At first I thought it was just a paragraph until I read what section it was put in.

You have quite a few neglected capitalizations and a few misspellings as well.

ArtisanofGuild wrote:"I have heard the tales that the gales have had to tell. I have cheated time and stole from it. I have walked the hall that leads to Hell and now I know its path. I have sailed battles where mad waves of men aimed to smite me, with but my sword as an oar and my shield a row (I think you mean a "rudder") to steer me through. I run from truth, as a mad-man might flee from his shadow. I have kept way from love, in fear of what I might harm and so I grew numb. now the beating of my heart is but a mere thump upon a hollow wood. The sighs of my hurt a distant creak trailing the oldest night, that no one catches. Now I wait. I linger as time draws near with its book in hand, collecting what is rightfully hers. I am a kin to the great Oak, rooted to one world and reaching for another."

-Falkin Bard-

This had some really good flow to it. I liked and enjoyed it a lot. Only thing that can improve it is if you actually put it in poetry format.

Example:

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
YWS is awesome,
and this poem is too.

Corny, I know. So other than that, I really have nothing else negative to say. Keep writing. We need to see more from you.

lovely.
check out mine?
'Luna, the princess of darkness'