Young Writers Society

I think you've chosen a good feeling/ emotion to base your poem on but it could be done in a more thought-provoking manner. I think it's good that this is easy to relate to - who hasn't been left out of something? - and at the same time quite specific to the persona. It needs work though; both structure and context could be improved. Here's a line by line first and then I'll try to give you some more general suggestions -

I saw those pictures of you.
You, who I thought were my friends,
laughing and having fun.
But am I there beside you?[I think this is a reasonably powerful start but it could be even more so if you said perhaps that the 'you' in the poem was the one to give the persona the pictures. And if you concentrated more on the article and the feeling of betrayal than on the persona. Maybe something like
'Those pictures that you showed me -
was it in innocence?
Or did you know it would hurt;
seeing you laughing and smiling
without me beside you.']
Trapped in the house with my boring old parents [color=red][I think you could find a better description for the parents.]
watching television until I get tired.
Only wishing for the invitation
to go out and get wild.
It never comes though.
But I still talk to you in the hall way [I think this line could be shorter and more effective. Perhaps 'I pass you in the hall way']
hoping that someday [Would be better as two words - some day.] you might invite me to tag along.
Am I wrong? Am I wrong to think that I will ever have a chance? [Try to avoid using so many questions. Questions aren't very effective in poems.]
You talk to me like I am one of you.
Dissing those girls in front of my face. [I agree that this is too colloquial. Perhaps
'Betraying those girls behind their backs
while you betray me. Now. Here.
In my face.']
But that doesn't count you still like them more.
I should have known you would never bring me to your secret place. [color=red][I think it would be good if you expanded on this, the fairytale aspect of it. How the persona has decided what they're missing is completely amazing and much better than it actually is.]
I will never be good enough for you the way I am.
It's sad because I really liked you,
[s]and[/s] but I don't change for anyone. [This makes the persona seem very immature and it isn't a very strong statement to end the poem with.]

I think you need to expand on the emotions you have in this and concentrate more on the desire and betrayal rather than the persona. A first person poem littered with I and me can sometimes come across as selfish so try to avoid using I or me too often to reduce that. You have a good theme here and I think this has potential but it needs work. It might be better if you made it longer and if you separated it into stanzas which would help you structure it. You could have the first on the initial betrayal of the photographs, the second on the general emotions of the persona, the third on the desire, the fourth on the 'secret place' maybe and the fifth as a sort of conclusion and how the persona has decided to break away perhaps?

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Hi there. ^^

Now, while I don't agree so much with Kenpachi Masamune (awesome name, by the way) I still think this is rather alienating to your responder.

People want to be able to connect with your narrator, the persona. What you have is so personal - it feels rather personal - that the responder is alienated from the poem, they step back and say "that's not me" the point is to make them think that it is. Let them step into your shoes.

I think what you want to look at is some more description, a little less accusation (not entirely, but tone it down slightly). I like the base of this... but I think it needs some work. try some imagery and description first. Then Pm me, if you change it, I'd love a second look.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I'm not exactly sure what separates this from dramatic poetry, but whatever. The work seems to be one of lost love, not unrequited, but more like immature love. It is that kind of love that is selfish, destructive and unpredictable. I know it is your poem, but the last line really turns this poems perspective rather sharply.

I would advise against slang or awkward word choices like 'Dissing those girls in front of my face'.

Overall the general feeling of immature love and inner emotional issues comes not from the fact that it exists, but that the narrator (I'm guessing, you) cannot deal with love and changing to make it a reality. Going so far as to let it die and never give it a chance to grow, because of the fear of losing some part of your individualism in the process. And that kind of ending doesn't exactly feel good and has only little purpose.

Sorry if I am sounding harsh, but as it stands now, that last line turns me against 'I' because of her own weakness rather then some more legitimate excuse. Going so far to explain the desire only to be tricked at the last moment with 'and I don't change for anyone' was like a slap in the face.