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Young Writers Society



The Compound 1/2

by Kelsey Logan


Chapter 1

I looked over the separation wall, trying to find her. Then, I saw the distinct bright orange hue of George’s flyaway hair. I’d known George all my life, and I still called her Gee. Long story short, when we were younger she started to swear a lot, and I told her to start saying gee and dang instead. She didn’t, but the name stuck.

As she looked across the wall at me, I realized with a pang how much I loved her. Nothing would, or even could, ever happen, we knew. They paired you with whomever they pleased at the Compound, and unauthorized pregnancies would result in discovery, sometimes even death.

A Chaperone told Gee to sit down, and I saw a flash of my longing reflected in her cool green eyes.

It was a communal class day, which meant our chairs would lean back and we’d watch a giant TV screen in the ceiling. Yet the separation wall remained. The wall was almost everywhere in the Compound. Only two exceptions remained, the Children’s Building and the Select Adult Quarters. You lived in the Children’s Building until you turned thirteen, at which point you were taken to the Main Dorms, where they have the walls.

Our class was about to start when I felt a Chaperone’s eyes singling me out from across the room. He walked over to me, instructing me to come with him.

We walked out of the Teen Dorms and across the grounds to a building I’d seen, but never entered: the Select Adult Quarters. He swiped a keycard and the door opened into the building.

The Chaperone led me into a lobby, before quickly turning around and leaving me standing alone. I was wondering why he’d run away when I saw the sign. A large sheet of metal was placed on the wall that read: NO CHAPERONES ALLOWED! Even worse, it was written in five-inch high red letters.

“Aden Herrison?” a soft female voice asked, making me jump.

A girl a few years older than me gestured for me to follow her. I trailed her down a short hallway, realizing I hadn’t stood this close, unobstructed, to a member of the opposite sex since George and I had snuck away almost two years earlier.

The girl stopped at a heavy oak door, opening it and motioning me to go inside. A plump man sat at a large desk in the office. The door shut behind me with a click, as panic started to creep up my spine.

“Sit down,” the man said. I sat in the awaiting chair.

“You turn eighteen today, correct?”

“I guess,” I muttered, not quite sure, not really caring.

“Well, you do,” he continued, glancing down at a sheet of paper lying on his desk.

“You’re one of the smartest, healthiest males in the Compound. Why is this?”

“I don’t know,” I stated, hoping suspicion wouldn’t seep into my voice.

“No matter,” the man said. “You, Aden Herrison, have the honor and obligation to become a Select Adult. You’re being paired with Laney Tition, who will meet you at your living area. Good day.” He handed me a room card, and shooed me away.

I wandered down a few halls before I found my room. The door unlocked as I slid the keycard, and I walked in.

Laney was wearing the least clothes I’d ever seen on a girl, and I was amazed and shocked by the shape of her body.

“You’re new, right?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I muttered.

“I thought so. Well don’t just stand there and stare. Get over here.” Laney took a few steps toward me.

My impression of her confidence was shattered when I saw the overwhelming anxiety in her brown eyes. This girl was broken.

“How many have you had?” I asked.

“Five,” she replied. “All successful births.”

“So, you have five kids now?”

“Well, yeah; I guess. Let’s make it six!”

Laney kissed me voraciously. Deep guilt ran through me at kissing someone other than George. I pulled away.

“I can’t,” I mumbled.

“Why not? There’s nothing wrong with it. Do you want to be a Chaperone?” She sounded too reasonable.

“No!” I pushed Laney onto the bed. “I don’t love you.”

“Look kid,” she was almost screaming. “You’re a Select Adult now. Get used to it. Now if you don’t get me pregnant by tomorrow morning, we’ll both become Chaperones.

“You just don’t get it,” she went on. “This isn’t about love. It’s about creating a better race of human beings.”

Everything suddenly fit together in my mind. The Compound’s numbers were dwindling; they had been for a few years. Only certain people, the strongest and smartest, were allowed to have children. If you were weak they made you a Chaperone.

Before Laney had time to react, I turned and stormed out the door. And saw the person I least expected to.

Chapter 2

I kissed George without any hesitation, noticing tears on her pale face. She broke away too quickly.

“Something is in the Dorms,” she cried, on the edge of hysterics.

“Calm down, Gee. What’s in the Dorms?”

“I don’t know. There’s blood everywhere, and dead bodies.” Gee fell into me, and I held her tightly.

“Gee, it’s going to be okay,” I whispered, hoping I was right.

Sobs racked her body and I backed her with me into my room. There was no sign of Laney.

I set George on the bed, hearing a mournful wail. Knowing it wasn’t Gee, I started to panic.

“Close the door,” a voice yelled, and I realized it was coming from under the bed. George jumped up with a small scream to stand next to me.

Laney crawled out from under the bed in a ragged, crazed state.

“It’s the chip!” she screamed. “They activated the chip!” I could tell she was in terrible pain. Blood dripped from her eyes and nose.

“Kill me!” Laney shrieked.

I took a step toward her, leaning forward as if to kiss. Then, before she could tell what I was doing, I placed a hand on either side of her head and snapped it to the side. This motion was accompanied by a loud crack. Her body fell to the floor.

A scream rang out through the building, and George dug her fingers into my arm.

“Will that happen to us?” she asked, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“No,” I tried to assure her. “We’ll be fine, but we have to get out of here.”

We walked to the Main Dorms, where the front door hung open. I walked in ahead of George, not letting go of her hand.

Dead Chaperones lay everywhere, their faces contorted and covered in blood. George’s fingernails dug into my hand, but I didn’t say anything.

We came to the main dining hall. All of the other teens were there, a little shaken, but seemingly unhurt.

“Get them all outside,” I said to Gee. She immediately took charge, emptying the hall in seconds.

“What do we do now?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Go see if the kids are okay, I guess.”

“I’ll send the others to get them. I know that look in your eyes. You want to find out what caused this, and I’m coming with you.” Gee looked at me with perfect finality.

“Fine. I’ll send my friend Kriss to get the children.”

George and I walked to the Select Adult Quarters, figuring it was the best place to find answers. We were right.

I recognized the main office where I’d talked to the plump man. The door was unlocked, so we walked in. A file lay on his desk, and I went to look at it. It was about me, and George.

“Aden!” Gee shrieked, as the plump man strode into the room.

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I promise,” he mumbled.

“What is the chip?” I asked.

“Everyone here has one, except for me. And now I wish I did.”

“What did you do?”

“I killed them all. I couldn’t take this anymore.” He pulled out some sort of metal instrument and held it to his head.

“Don’t,” George begged, sensing the danger.

“Be quiet!” the man screamed. He turned the strange thing toward Gee and pulled a tiny handle. Three things happened simultaneously: there was a loud bang, George let out a short scream, and the plump man pulled out a small electronic device.

I rushed to George’s side. There was a large, bleeding hole in the right side of her chest.

“Make it stop,” she murmured.

“What?” I asked, holding her hand.

“Everything.” She coughed and blood trickled out of the corners of her mouth.

“No,” I yelled, hoping she wouldn’t see my tears. “I won’t let you go.”

Her eyes slowly closed.

I turned to the man, who’d been talking into the small device. He set it down, picking up instead the thing that had killed George.

“Just do it. Kill me!” I screamed. “Kill me!”

Ignoring me, he turned it toward himself. Another loud bang.

I sank into the office chair, feeling like my heart had been ripped out through my throat. Thinking, grimly, about how bright blood looked against our stark white clothes, I picked up the strange killing instrument. That’s when I heard the strange wailing.


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23 Reviews


Points: 890
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Wed Jan 23, 2008 4:40 am
TheBlueStreak wrote a review...



Okay, first things first. As always it's too fast, but I'll chalk it up as style and not mention it again (here). In style, it flows; the tempo is quick, but true to itself (the possible exception being the beginning; [I can't believe I'm actually typing this, but] it's a little slow [relatively, of course]). Kylan holds some tenable technical points; I won't repeat them. Overall it was gripping; granted it didn't always play out all the convesations or develop the characters, but you were true to your tempo, and it showed to me by being incredibly captivating.

One thing I didn't agree with Kylan about (apart from the speed) was Aden's refusal to have sex with Laney. Regrettably that was strikingly original. Our culture doesn't put enough emphasis on true, perfect, Godly love. I'm not sure that this is quite what you're defending, but I believe the true cliche would have been to have him jump on her and bang her senseless. It was refreshing to see someone walk away from sex in defence of something higher.

One point of interest (not sure if this is good or bad). When Aden killed Laney it painted a vivid picture in my mind. Quite stark and shocking, but it jolted me out of complacency or glossing over. A little morbid, but I guess it got the job done...

I'm off to part two...

Blue




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Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:36 pm
Kylan wrote a review...



Okay. This started out good, but then steadily went downhill. The main problem you have here, my friend, is your pacing. Or in this case, the lack of. Nearly every pivotal story point is way too sudden and under devoloped. It's like literary whiplash. You're trying to fit too much story into too little space and the result is a lightspeed paced story with little emotional resonance and absolutely no time for characters. At the moment, Aden and Gee are just writer's pawns, doing the things you've told them to. They have no personality and therefore we don't care about them, their situation, or their relationship. The only way to fix this, is to rewrite this piece as a longer, more sociological story. One with a lot of emotion and feeling and less slam-bang action. I myself write action thrillers, but there's a certain degree of sophistication action needs to be pulled off with. Mindless violence doesn't work unless we care about the people it's happening to.

Also, the end is rushed. I want to know more about Laney! What happened there? It would be a really good study in character for Aden to have been forced to have sex with her and then have to live with that guilt for the rest of the story. But instead you took the easy way out. Spend some time making this piece slower and more deliberate. Don't feel like a story has to move at a million miles per hour to hold a reader's attention.

and unauthorized pregnancies would result in discovery, sometimes even death.


You mean, "would result in [insert a punishment slightly less severe than death here], sometimes even death", right? At the moment it kinda doesn't make sense.

“You, Aden Herrison, have the honor and obligation to become a Select Adult. You’re being paired with Laney Tition, who will meet you at your living area. Good day.” He handed me a room card, and shooed me away.


This is what I mean by abrupt. Draw out this conversation. I don't want sound bites. I want concertos!

“No!” I pushed Laney onto the bed. “I don’t love you.”


Lame and cliche. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. Cut this line.

“Look kid,” she was almost screaming


This reaction is unrealistic. Unless this girl's on drugs or psychotic. Even then people don't blow up like that so quickly. Lead us up to that point. Give me dialogue, or give me death.

George’s fingernails dug into my hand


You said the same thing earlier. It's repetitious.

She immediately took charge, emptying the hall in seconds.


Wait a minute. Wasn't she in hysterics just a minute ago? How could she get ahold of herself that quickly? There you go getting unrealistic again. If someone is freaking out - probably the effect of shock - it could take hours, even days, for them to attain normalacy again.

Anyway. This could work as a longer story, but it's not working now.

-Kylan




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Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:57 pm
Gladius wrote a review...



O.o Wow. This is great! I'm speechless. The only thing I can really say is it reminds me a lot of 'The Giver' how the whole society is controlled to supposedly 'make things better for everyone.' I'm gonna read the next part, too! *switches browser tabs and reads*





Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said