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This seemed clumsily executed, jumping from one thing to another and not staying anywhere long enough to make an impact.
i want to pin point the exact time you climaxed
so I can know if I was crying while you did it
or if I was laughing at a joke
or if I was self righteously punching in
that plastic delete button
on all your cowardly remorseful emails.
I know I’m crying a lot,
and im judging you a lot
There’s that ugly side to me
You must’ve noticed by now
^ things that I like are in bold, things that I think are superfluous are in italics. To the "If I was..." statements, I think these could be more concise. I don't think that the repetition every time a new phrase is added to the end of the "If I was" is necessary. It would make a stronger impact if it was more concise. To the "I know I'm crying a lot...", seems a lot of ~throwing things out there, just to put them somewhere. And that makes things seem more like notes for a poem than a poem itself. Seems overly emo, too. I like the "self righteously punching" because it's more descriptive than anything else in the poem. Little things like that are wonderful because they do more than a million "I know I'm judging you a lot" stanzas. Similarly, the "you must've noticed by now" line. It's a line to inspire guilt in the person the subject is angry at, and I think it would be effective, if it hadn't come at the end of such a bland stanza.
I’ve been crying more than you think
And I don’t feel the need
to suppress it
Just ‘cause you say
A rebound girl
wont substitute me.
so how many times
did you
have to
do
the dirty
with her?
Yeah?
After the "A rebound girl/won't substitute me", the stanza that follows is redundant and too rant-like. I understand that it's a rant-like/-worthy subject, but that doesn't mean that the actual words have to be as such.
blood
shot eyes
shallow puddles
dirty mirrors
I can see
my reflection
in all these things
This does nothing but list things, and while listing things can be effective, it just seems sloppy here. I vote to get rid of it.
The last two lines were a let down. Yes, they're two ugly-personed people who, I suppose in that sense, seem to go together, but there wasn't any forgiveness. I see, I suppose, that that's the purpose for the reflections and mirrors and such in the previous stanza (I still think that could be cleaned up rather a lot). But at the moment, it seems like neither a commitment or a straight breakup (poetic-wise, not story-wise within the poem, that is). This last stanza could benefit from imagery and careful word choice (as could the rest of this).
In general, do more with the ugly idea. It begins with "there's an ugly side to you" and includes "there's that ugly side to me", but there's no connection between the two, and I think that could serve as some nice unity in this poem.
P.S. please, I shouldn't have to say this, but check your grammar. Put apostrophes into contractions and capitalize words like I (I'm sure this isn't a stylistic choice because it wasn't consistent throughout the poem). If you don't even care about your poem, there's no reason for us to either.
The last two lines, for instance. Otherwise, I found this to be nicely done. This one stanza confused me:
Points: 8413
Reviews: 816
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