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Young Writers Society



Immaculate (Part Two)

by DoctorClicky


Immaculate

Part Two: Hope

I arrived at Vanessa’s house. The silence continued. I approached the front door and pressed the doorbell. There was no response. Each growing moment of silence ripped me up inside. I felt as if I was beginning to break. The silence just grew and grew. I know the concept of silence growing sounds impossible, but it is absolutely true. I don’t quite understand how, but the silence was getting bigger. Soon the world would be mute and the essence of sound would be irrelevant.

I tried again and again. The sound of the muffled bell ringing in the house gave me slight satisfaction. The muteness hadn’t won yet. I tried the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. I spun around to the back of the house and tried the rear entrance, but it wouldn’t budge either. I now had a decision to make. Continue to pursue my journey into Vanessa’s house or leave now. I already knew what I would find once I got in. They would all be dead. Wouldn’t they? No, I did not know. I had to be certain. I could not leave without knowing the fate of Vanessa. I grabbed a patio chair made of some sort of wood and swung it against the window. The glass shattered on the first try.

“Sorry,” I whispered as I stepped into the house through the broken window. I don’t know why I was sorry. There was no one for me to apologize to. They were all dead, weren’t they? Ruining people’s property was no longer a crime. It was no longer their property. In fact, yes, perhaps it was my property now. The entire world would belong to me. I’d just shattered my own window.

I arrived to her room and knocked. I knocked because the sound gave me hope. The silence was becoming unbearable. Noise was becoming a psychological need. I hesitated just for a second. I knew this was it, the moment of truth. I opened the door.

Her bed was empty. A glimmer of hope fluttered through me. Perhaps she was still alive and she had left her house. Perhaps she was searching for him too. Perhaps—no, she wasn’t still alive. My hope was snuffed out as my eyes reached the floor. She was sprawled out across the floor; a pink notebook with a lock was clutched in her hand. It must have been her diary.

I grabbed the diary and shut the door. I couldn’t stand the sight of her body. I walked down the hallway why I played with the book in my hands. The curiosity inside me grew. I hated the sight but I desired confirmation that they were dead. I didn’t care too much for Vanessa’s family. I opened the door to her sister’s room. Dead. I continued to walk down the hallway and reached her parent’s door and opened it. To my surprise there was nobody inside. I arched my eyebrow. Where were her parents? I walked around the bedroom and found no one. I crossed into the adjoining bathroom. Nobody was there either. Why weren’t her parents here? I examined the entire house and did not find them. I decided I didn’t care anymore and I returned to my car. Her parents were probably out at a party when whatever happened had happened. Perhaps they had gone to the hospital for some emergency or left to have crazy kinky sex in the park? There were several explanations as to why her parents were not home. I sighed and started the car. I threw the diary in the passenger seat.

I don’t know where I was headed to. I just knew I was leaving.


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370 Reviews


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Sat Jan 19, 2008 7:54 pm
Aedomir wrote a review...



That was a very well-written, amazing yet serious and humourous all the while! I just summed it up there! I didn't read the first part I am afraid, but I think I will have a look for it now. It was a very enjoyable piece that kept me intrigued throughout, an added bonus of not seeing the part 1. You should be pleased with this and I hope you continue.

I am not your grammar reviewer, but I could see no problem. Good going,

Mark




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Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:39 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Yay, Dr. Clicky!! I'm gonna review this for ya because I read the first part and am anxious to read more. :D

I spun around to the back of the house and tried the rear entrance, but it wouldn’t budge either.


Lol, spun? *pictures MC dancing in circles on the way* Try run or some such action word. :wink:

I now had a decision to make. Continue to pursue my journey into Vanessa’s house or leave now.


I'd probably replace the first period with a colon and the last period with a question mark.

No, I did not know.


Use 'don't' to fit the rest of the narration.

I’d just shattered my own window.


This part made me laugh. ^^

I arrived to her room and knocked. I knocked because the sound gave me hope.


I finally noticed what's happening. You're exchanging commas for periods. :lol: You can easily combine this into one sentence. I arrived to her bedroom door and knocked, the echoing sound giving me hope.

I walked down the hallway [s]why[/s] while I played with the book in my hands.


I continued to walk down the hallway and reached her parent’s door and opened it.


I continued down the hallway and opened her parents' door.

To my surprise, there was nobody inside.


I decided I didn’t care anymore and [s]I[/s] returned to my car.


I don’t know where I was headed [s]to[/s]. I just knew I was leaving.


Nice ending. ^^

Overall, very good job! ^^ You do well portraying the mood of the story. You had absolutely no dialogue, but you wrote so well anyway. I didn't want to stop. Good job! ^^

Like I said earlier, I found what's happening. You refuse to use commas, I notice. :lol: Silly, commas are your friends! :D Short sentences are good with suspense, but don't use them too much. Conjunctions are handy little words too. :wink:

Otherwise, loverly as usual. ^^ Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:47 pm
EliteHusky wrote a review...



I really enjoyed that part even though I had not read the first part. Despite the story's somewhat gloomy atmosphere concerning death, I found humour. That is a good thing because they way you wrote, combining actions with thought, really made the story seem that much more interesting. On the whole it was rather well written and structured with no visible errors in grammar or punctuation detectable on the first read.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky





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