Young Writers Society

Maybe it shouldn't be a poem, maybe it should be a dialogue or a script. But any ways lets get back to your writing itself. I think it was too short. If you would or will make it longer It will be good.

I really liked this. The repitition can be kind of.... repetitive. saying 'i love you' over and over got a little boring (im sorry to say), but i can see what you were trying to do. The ending, where you say I don't love you, was amazing. And I can totally understand it!

Great job!

I liked this overall, it was simple but gives out a clear message.

My only problem was...

You even say it when you lay.

Hmmm.....i haven't read your poetry before, so i don't know whether this was an intended effect, a subconscious one or maybe an idea that just pops in random heads at random moments. honestly, i don't like to underestimate a poet, and frankly i liked this poem, though it was so casual and without meter. maybe, this could have worked a lot better as an intro to a more detailed poem or heck, it could work well in a song lyric.
never mind, all i can advise you with is, if you think that this kind of poetry works well with you, then you should develop them, listen to those oneliners and common phrases, and take inspiration. i liked the style, but i think it wasn't suited to poetry.i hope this helped and of course, thanks for the read........

Hahaha...I'm sorry I laughed when I read this xDD Some people don't know when to give up, so many stalkers in this world...

I like it as a cute poem, though I agree with Suz ^^ A bit more couldn't hurt, when I read this all I felt was that you were agitated. Also didn't like the 'you even say it when you lay' line...definitely forced. I do like the theme of this however =)

I think this poem would work really well spoken. Spoken poetry, beat poetry? I am not sure what it is. Otherwise, though, I'm not sure...

The repetition doesn't really do much for you, and the theme of your poem isn't something your reader can get into. You're writing about something in your point of view, which makes it even harder. Poetry like this really has to speak to the reader. We want to feel with you, we want to think with you. The only thing we can feel is that you don't love this person, and we don't even know who this person is or what they have done to you to make you not love them, and why are you in this situation anyone?

It's also lacking any poetic devices. Imagery is an amazing thing, and so is metaphor. Try to find a way to say what you want to and make your poem beautiful to the ear and to the soul. Read poetry on emotions, I Felt a Funeral in my Brain by Emily Dickinson. It isn't the same kind of emotion, but still. She is presenting it in a different kind of way, personifying it, giving is sounds and objects--the plank of reason is particularly brilliant. I wouldn't say that you neccessarily need to do this to improve your poem, it is just an example.

Best of luck! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.