Here's your second crit, my dear friend. ^_^
phone calls had already been [s]phoned[/s] made,...
Sounds better than the repetition of "phone." ^_^
...and contacts had already been contacted.
The repetition of "contact" is also irritating. I would be alright with it if the first segment held the same structure. But, seeing as it has not, it's necessary to change one of these. You can either replace the first bolded word with "friends" or "neighbors" or any other word, or you can change the last bolded word to "reached" or any other word.
Things were going smoothly and, for once in Miranda’s life,...
She was a special case –Miranda.
Replace hyphen with a comma.
Her experience with men were always gruesome –she was already six times a widow, before she had met him.
Get rid of that comma. If you're looking for a dramatic effect, use the triple dots. (...) Also, replace the hyphen with either a colon or a semicolon. A colon would probably work best.
Sometimes, she had nightmares…[s]always[/s] about him.
Italicize "him" at the end for better effect.
Always about him leaving her, she didn’t want to go through that pain with him—and for the sixth time since, she awoke in the middle of the night screaming, dreading what she knew was to come.
The first part of this sentence needs a rewrite. It's a bit confusing; I had to read it twice. Let's see what we can think up, eh? ^_^
She always thought he would leave her, and she didn't want to go through that pain.
By the way, for the sixth time since...what? Since her nightmares?
(Looking at these examples, I'm suggesting breaking this into two sentences rather than using the hyphen. ^_^)
Six times, she woke in the middle of the night, screaming, dreading what she knew as to come.
Change it as to how you want it. ^_^ But it gives the general idea of what I suggest would help.
He picked her up, in his old red truck –which most resembled a wheezing tractor than any vehicle of the current century.
Delete the comma and replace the hyphen with a comma. ^_^
It was the most peculiar of mornings [s]that day[/s], the clouds hung over low in the sky, and the day appeared not much different from an autumn night.
I would replace the first comma with a semicolon, then delete the second comma.
...Miranda noticed the forlorn countryside—the grass practically gray, the trees almost dead, the wilderness pretty much lifeless.
Here's the end of your run-on sentence.
Replace the hyphen with a period, then make the second part its own sentence. The grass looked gray, the trees were dying, and the wilderness seemed lifeless.She continued to gaze out her cracked window, coated with a layer of filthy dust, and she felt her heart pounding all of a sudden, as she noticed the approaching hillside.
Rewrite this to make it more dramatic. It's very close, I wouldn't change much of it. Only the punctuation. ^_^ She continued to gaze out her cracked window, coated with a layer of filthy dust, when her heart started pounding in her chest. They were approaching the hillside, their new home.
She imagined herself, growing old in that house...
Delete comma. ^_^
How would a guy like him, ever love someone like her?
Delete comma. ^_^
And the [s]question[/s] fact resonated in her mind, in her heart, in her soul…and in the deepest of her conscience that she knew [s]of[/s] the end [s]that[/s] would come [s]and she knew[/s] when he would leave her.
[s]Her[/s] Simon had [s]already[/s] reached for her hand and the two were [s]already[/s] started running up the lawn and onto the old creaking porch of their desired ranch.
The ranch was immense, it had rooms for each...
Replace comma with either the colon or semicolon.
It was the perfect home, and each night she would tell him about [s]this[/s] her dream ranch, and each day she had yearned for the day she would come to buy it.
Replace comma with a period and start the next sentence with "each." Also, replace one of those "day" phrases to, like, "every minute" or something. The repetition is a bit irritating. ^_^
The house was a faded red-violet color, and was in terrible need of a new paint-job.
Delete comma.
Her Simon bent over to retrieve a silver key from the mat below the door, he smiled at her and eagerly stuck the key in [s]it’s[/s] its place, simultaneously turning the knob and pushing the door wide open.
Another run-on, I'm afraid. ^^; Replace the first comma with a period.
Looking around, she saw nowhere to go
“This place used to be an inn.” Her Simon...
Wait, I thought they hired Miranda's friend, an architect, to build this place. Did I read something incorrectly? =/ Otherwise, the period should be a comma and "her" should be lowercased. ^_^
Her Simon said, referring to all the many doors along the hall, but it wasn’t the unusually tall doors that caught her attention, but instead the numerous and wondrous portraits that hung along the wall-space—so lifelike and so beautiful.
Run-on! XD Replace the third comma with a period so the next sentence would start with "instead." ...caught her attention. Instead, the numerous and wondrous portraits that hung along the wall filled her with awe; they were so lifelike and...beautiful!
The inside of the house itself, was unlike what she could ever expect, it was warm [s]somehow and[/s] , the air was stuffy, and the scent of the place smelled of calming oil, yet her nerves felt alarmed and down her back trickled [s]down[/s] a bead of cold sweat, not at all attributed to the climate.
Delete first comma. Replace second comma with a period.
She startled, as she heard the door close tight behind her [s]and[/s].[/s] she felt her husband’s arm around her shoulders, she noticed strangely, that he smelled of oil as well and she knew in the deepest of her heart, that this was the day.
Replace "startled" with something else like "jumped" or "gasped," and delete the comma following. ^_^ The second sentence should be written as: She felt her husband's arm lie around her shoulders and she noticed, strangely, the smell of oil on him. She made a sharp intake of breath as she realized, in the deepest depths of her heart, that this was the day. At least, something to the effect. ^_^
He said innocently, and he dragged her along further from the door and stopped at the first frame, where a gruesome picture of a beheaded lady was depicted.
Lower case "he" since he spoke previously (I didn't attach that here =/) and replace the first comma with a period so the next sentence starts with "He dragged..." Delete the comma after "frame."
She [s]on the other hand,[/s] was more interested at the plaque below the painting,
Wendy Louis: Murdered by her husband
You may have done this in the original copy, but I would italicize this since it's a quote from the plaque. That or put any quotations around it.
pounded ever louder. Yet, she couldn’t take her eyes of them…s
Replace period with a comma (lowercasing "yet").
almost smelt the blood.
It's "smelled."
She looked back towards her Simon, who was smiling delightfully at her for some apparent reason and she felt her stomach drop.
Delete comma.
“Let’s go…” She stuttered,
Lowercase "she." ^_^
“Not yet, love…let’s keep looking. I want to see more.”
Replace the triple dots with a period. You use those triple dots almost too much, lol.
as if enjoying himself –a man hung by the neck, a woman spewing out poison, a set of twins in a horrid car accident…
Very well written. ^_^ Very good use of the hyphen and the triple dots. Bravo!
She patiently waited; the seconds counting down in her mind, today would be the day.
Would someone as panicky and worried as Miranda be waiting patiently? I would think they were impatient.
[s]And then,[/s] they finally ambled down to the sitting room, w
But she knew[b], before he reached over to tear the curtains away, what the curtain hid.
She knew, because she could read the bolded print delicately carved in the golden plaque. [s]and[/s] she feared this painting most of all, because it surprised her—[s]because[/s] she hadn’t expected it, yet it confirmed her thoughts all along.
Delete the first comma. Delete second comma. Replace the hyphen with a period, capitalizing "she."
Her fiancé’s soft whispering tones
Lowercase "her."
He accused, pointing at the wretched painting. The completely inaccurate painting…
Lowercase "he" and replace the period with a comma.
her dearly beloved Simon, never saw her,
She tried to console him, her voice breaking yet soothing all the same.
Lowercase "she".
he would catch her—like one would pluck a delicate feather.
Replace hyphen with comma.
“I love you—I always had…” He whispered, tears now streaming from his own eyes.
Lowercase "he," lol.
She said, and, as she talked, she took several more steps, [s]and[/s] never [s]did her eyes[/s] breaking [s]his gaze.[/s] looking away from him.
Lowercase "she".
He said, his voice too, breaking. [s]and[/s] he took a couple more steps towards her, and she took a couple more steps back, [s]and for[/s] all the while[s], it appeared[/s] appearing as if the couple was moving in a passionate dance.
Lowercase "he".
nobody will.” Her Simon said,
Replace period with comma and lowercase "her".
And she frowned and she cried, and she kicked him in the shins and out the door she ran.
Rewrite. ^_^ She started crying, kicking him in the shins, and running out the door. That's not very good, but you know what I mean, lol.
She gasped for her life, she didn’t attempt to run down the porch steps and instead she jumped over them, only to have tripped and landed on her weaken ankles, where her hand fell on something deathly sharp, and her blood drenched along her arm, and she saw to her horror that she had almost landed face-first on an ax. She didn't question why it was there, for she knew.
Holy cruds, lol. What a sentence!
She gasped when she approached the porch steps. She paused briefly before jumping over them, but tripped over her weakened ankles. Her hand fell on something deathly sharp, and blood streamed down her arm. She saw, to her horror, that she had almost landed face-first on an ax. However, she knew why it was there.
[s]Then[/s] she heard her Simon cry, and violently lunge toward her—but she was determined to fight for her life, and she held the ax in her wounded hand and she swung with the little strength she had…
Delete first comma. Replace hyphen with comma. ...fight for her life, and she picked up the ax in her wounded hand, swinging with the little strength she had left.
[s]And[/s] she closed her eyes and dropped the ax, and she cried and cried into her knees, she didn’t need to hear her Simon’s shriek of pain, or the thudding of his body.
She closed her eyes and dropped the ax, falling to the ground and crying into her knees. She didn't need to hear Simon's shriek of pain, or the thudding of his body.
she knew the scene, quite well to memory.
Delete comma.
The portrait…the picture…the dream,
Replace the triple dots with commas, then replace the last comma with a semi or period.
Then, the sudden sound of a phone vibrating...
Make this its own sentence. The sound of a cell phone vibrating caused her to stop crying.
.[s]and[/s] she ignored it, her weeping figure giggling
Make this its own sentence.
She looked up at the sky, the sun now started to rise…he was her seventh. Her time ticked on.
Replace triple dots with a period. Nice ending sentences, though.
Overall, it was a good story. I didn't quite get the picture of the couple until later on in the story so a little of that wouldn't hurt.
Main problems, however, are run-on sentences and misuse of punctuation. It's okay to have shorter sentences. If the sentence just keeps on going, the reader will get exhausted from reading and just stop. Personally, I think shorter sentences create more suspense. Also, the comma usage needs work, as well as your tags. Example tag:
"Do your homework, Sara," my mom said when she saw me watching television.
"I can't believe you said that!" my girlfriend shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.
Mrs. Clark turned around to face the class, saying gravely, "I'm afraid your tests were not very good."
Those are your main problems, I think. However, grammar is very difficult for a lot of people, even me. We're all improving on our writing. Grammar is an essential part.
If you have questions or comments on any of my suggestions above, PM me. ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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