Young Writers Society

I like this. I'm glad you revised.

If you are willing to revise again, I think there are some minor changes to the texture of the poem that will enhance its beauty.

- The clash of the sound of 'initial' next to 'snowfall' jars the ear unnecessarily.

- I feel as if 'dispersing' in the last line is not the best word choice.

"But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue"

This stanza is beautiful. I would take out the comma in the first line. Also, the transition from 'quiver' to 'in response' is another slightly jarring one. Perhaps you could break the stanza into two sentences, or simply change the phrasing somewhat.


This is a really good piece. I always love Ars Poeticas, and you have managed a fine one.

In my book, people who make revisions deserve critiques the most of all. I know my words are going to good use.

Judging by everyone else's reviews, it seems that you've toned this down quite a good deal. There were a couple parts that bothered me, but I had no problem with an imagery overload.

It is a vacant page in the beginning:
a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being.

[s]But then,[/s] the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the [s]tepid,[/s] ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue

I made revisions!

Imagery. See, cakes are very good. Delicious, in fact. But if you put too much frosting on a cake, it becomes bad very quickly. It might look good on the surface, all flowers and decorations, but nobody wants to eat something that's more icing than actual cake.
This is how I see this poem, in part because I'm hungry, in part because I think it's an accurate summary. The images alone are gorgeous...but put them all together and it's way too much to take in at once.

But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue

It is,[s] nonetheless[/s], a vacant page in the beginning:
[s]a pallid monotony,[/s] a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being.

But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the [s]tepid, ginger [/s]mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue

and the snowy[s]-capped[/s] hills sigh
as in the breeze coiling through the initial snowfall
like a [s]steaming [/s]mug of tea in December.

O sing Muse! O sing! and the ink is scintillating
like the infant crooning hymns in the [s]gentle[/s] cradle,
a seed from the bottom of my palm dispersing into soil.

Wow, your poem has good imagery. You really depicted the scene where a writer first starts out with a blank page then ends it with a creation. I especially love this line.

It is, nonetheless, a vacant page in the beginning:
a pallid monotony, a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being.

I like it, but it ended with too much spirit and "could have been" feeling and not enough essence.

Hey gadi,


I liked this - it was fun to read and and it really does flow beautifully. I can't find any specific things to rearrange, but I do have a general suggestion:

In all poetry, verbs are much stronger than adjectives. I know in your poem you have a variety of both, but at the end I felt kind of emotionally unsatisfied. It doesn't resonate with the reader as much because adjectives are static, whereas verbs represent a movement or action that can stimulate much more thought. I would suggest toning down on the lovely descriptors and using more actions words to create a stronger effect: they are the poem's fuel source and really add strength and solidity to the writing.

But overall this is good stuff - I gave a pretty advanced critique . I think you know what you're talking about.

This started out very good, I felt the the first and the last stanza let us know you were talking about writing. The middle two were just discriptions that took me some where else. Seperate them and you have two great poems.
Together they dont fit. There was to much imagery and it loses the reader.

Carl

Great title and I'm loving the imagery. The progression is great, I must say. From a blank page to whatever you want; this speaks to every writer.

Can't come up with any negatives.

Ciao.