z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Forsaken Race - The Hidden Truth: Chapter 21

by RavenAkuma


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 21 - Vigilance

                 

                        

It had been a couple of hours since Kita had been dragged on a mission. While the sylph recovered alone, the demons went about their own business in the fortress.

Very deep in the complex structure, a hallway with black marble floors and diminished gold walls faded into another cave-like area composed of gray stone. Almost as if two entirely different areas were just spliced together. Within the space, the body of a giant scorpion, almost completely blocking the way forward, lay defeated. Timbur had his machete unsheathed, with the beast's green blood smeared along the blade, while Thundur took her time coiling her spine-laced whip back up.

Timbur kicked the beast. "That's it?"

"I know, I probably didn't need you," Thundur replied. "I figured you would want to discuss some things about earlier, without your master overhearing."

Timbur sneered, "Yes. Do you have another plan to try?"

"There are more ways I could try to scare her off," Thundur muttered. "But seeing just how stubborn and desperate she is, I don't know which one would work."

"Dammit," Timbur growled. "I'm getting sick of seeing her infest our beach. There are no words to describe how hard it is to control the impulse to hack through her -and not just because her twig of a body resembles a training dummy."

"Believe me, I know," Thundur agreed. "I admit, she's been compliant thus far, and I can see why Leiytning would be interested in investigating. If she can handle being behemoth bait, as well, she can probably handle being bait for soldiers. That being said, it could all be a ruse."

"A dangerous one. Worse than Kodin, because she can deceive us by looking so harmless. It's only a matter of time before this little twit pulls her puppy eyes on Leiytning, Seyber keeps acting like the gullible child she is, the three idiots follow along not knowing any better, and she gets let into the fortress. Then she can pick up anything! It's-"

"Not going to happen."

Timbur flinched, facing the exit leading back to the oddly noble hallway. Sure enough, Leiytning had appeared without either of them noticing. While not angry, he did look very annoyed.

Timbur sighed, "I'm sorry, Leiytning, but it's true. I want to respect your reasons for keeping her, but extending any privileges to her can only end in disaster."

"Who said anything about privileges?" Leiytning muttered.

Thundur nudged the beta. "Enough, let me take over. Go back and make sure the others aren't getting into trouble."

Though annoyed and hesitant, Timbur did leave the cave. As soon as he was out of earshot, Thundur approached her twin with far more confidence.

"For the record, yes," Leiytning said bluntly. "I'm still irritated."

"You wanted to see how she reacted to a large threat," Thundur replied. "That's what I did; provide a threat, watch her react, and see if it triggered anything interesting. Which it didn't."

"Surprising her with a massive, hostile beast would have been enough," Leiytning retorted. "Forcing the untrained mortal directly into the action is another thing entirely. And I doubt you were even watching for reactions that could be clues, such as magic outbursts or signs of hallucinating."

Thundur carelessly shrugged her shoulders. "I kept an eye out, I just didn't see anything worthwhile. Besides, you can't blame me. I told you, I'll make sure she doesn't die, and I'll help your experiments, but you can't do anything if she leaves on her own accord."

"No, you're just being a condescending pain in the ass. I'm not surprised that Timbur's overreacting, but you really agree with what he implied? Do you think I am stupid enough to extend any genuine 'privilege' to a maggot? This brat is far from doing any harm, and far from being accepted as anything more than vermin."

"Why take the risk if it's not worth it? There's no guarantee that Corelia will be tricked a second time, and figuring out what's wrong with her does nothing for us. It's just helping her!"

"With enough manipulation, Corelia will fall for it, and the findings of the mortal's condition would be ours to use. She can remain oblivious for all I care."

"Honestly, I'm shocked by you..." Thundur looked away, and her fists clenched. "You know what these maggots have done to us, yet you're taking in their wanderers like a damn charity case. I don't care what scraps we get in turn, or what the motive is, we owe them nothing. We owe her nothing!"

Leiytning suddenly grabbed her wrist -calmly, rather than forcefully. Thundur realized her claws had unsheathed without her knowing, threatening to dig into the palm of her shaking hand. She quickly made them retract and took a deep breath.

As her ears drooped, she hesitantly spoke, "I don't want them to hurt us again."

"You know I won't let that happen," Leiytning responded.

Thundur stepped back. "I know 'us' excludes you, when you say it, which is half of what annoys me -and half of why I have to act so paranoid. In many ways, that girl could be used as bait for you, and much as she's bait for Corelia."

"It would take much more than a stupid girl to trick either of us, sister. Even if this escalates to the worst-case scenario, an attack from Corelia, I can hold her off. That stalemate is always subject to change, as well. All it takes is one second, or even half a second, and the bitch can die. However much the maggots worship her as a goddess, whatever magic she injects into her corrupted veins, she is still just a mortal."

Thundur still seemed uneasy.

"And for just a moment, let's explore the possibility of the girl becoming a threat. We always have one option..."

As he pulled off Thundur's eye-patch, it revealed her left eye to be a horrible, sinister, haunting black hue with a piercing white ring within.

"We both know your influence can be far stronger than Corelia's," Leiytning said darkly. "Or are you so unconfident in our own strength that you don't think you could break a mortal commoner?"

Thundur grunted with contempt. "I don't like jumping to that conclusion, but it's a fair enough point. At least I know you're being more calculated than I thought."

Leiytning handed back her eye-patch. "I always am with Aubades."

                      

               

\\\\\\

                  

                  

In Corelia's observatory, the evening sun shone through the domed glass roof. The grand desk was still littered with unorganized papers. Many more pages were strewn about the ground and unorganized shelves, fluttering from the drafts that blew through the old wooden floor.

In front of the desk, two lieutenants waited silently, wearing their iconic violet-tinted armor with a black undersuit. One was the lady with soft brown eyes and silver hair tied back in a tail, Atara. The other was the man with neat grayish-blond hair and gray eyes, Chiro.

As the two stood patiently, things seemed to be going smoothly. At least, until Atara gained a mischievous glimmer in her eye.

"So, Chiro..." Atara tried to look innocent. "Rumor has it that Ryu found another maid to court."

"WHAT?!" Chiro cried. "Who the hell told you that? I made sure to lecture him very well the first time around -and it had the same disastrous results I warned him about! That rotten thing had him depressed for weeks, and she stole thousands' worth of gold and silver from us!"

Atara blinked hard. "Wait, seriously? I thought you just got fed up because you didn't want a maid in the family."

"Eh..." Chiro shrugged his shoulders. "There is something to be said about that, but still! The boy's well-being comes first! Now, who told you that?"

"Nobody, sheesh. I was just messing with you."

"How dare you!"

"It's easy, you scream at everything that mildly irks you."

"Quiet, foul harpy!"

Atara smirked. "Don't blame me, that stuff spreads around the palace quickly, no matter what the case is. How do you think I learned that Ryoki actually has a perfect waltz, and everybody thought she was courting Gara because she used him as a dance partner to teach Princess Maia? Also, there's a newer rumor that..."

Atara kept rambling on, but Chiro tried to block out her words, rolling his eyes. After all, this was typical of Atara and her sister. They always had a hand in the palace's rumor mill.

Meanwhile, the large double doors of the observatory creaked open, the two guards on the other side bowing to welcome the new attendee. Neither of the lieutenants took notice of the change, even when the queen, herself, stepped through the door. Despite her obvious anxiety, Corelia couldn't help smiling, restraining a laugh at what she was seeing.

Corelia walked past the two. "Steady on, Atara, you know what they say about gossip."

Atara flinched. "Oh, your majesty! I didn't hear you come in."

"Shocker," Chiro muttered.

Atara shot him a glare.

Corelia chuckled, "That's enough bickering, you two. We have work to do. I take it you went through with that patrol of the Blood Forest. Did you find anybody, or any signs that a sylph had been lingering nearby?"

"There was no sign that she was in the area," Chiro reported. "She may already be over there, if we continue to find no signs here."

Corelia looked uneasy. "What about the information I asked to be gathered? Come think of it, didn't I ask Shira to do that?"

"I have it," Atara replied. "Shira had to run home, the baby's a little under the weather. She found the cabman, and got word from the Lion's Bridge lieutenant. It's confirmed that a girl named Kita is missing from the town, and the cabman talked about a girl with the same description. He was hired by you to drive her to Lion's Bridge, then she paid him to drive her back here, but they stopped right outside the city. She never mentioned what she was doing, but it should be obvious enough by now."

Corelia almost looked sick. "I was afraid of that."

"Who is this girl, your majesty?" Asked Atara.

"You saw her," Corelia replied. "The girl with the white dog, who interrupted our tea session."

Atara gasped, "Her? Yes, I remember!"

Chiro crossed his arms. "What a little brat, directly disobeying the queen's laws after she so generously makes time for her. This girl ought to be locked up!"

Corelia looked unamused. "No. Right now, we need to focus on getting her back safe and sound, hopefully without provoking the Zyreans and risking an attack. Right now would be a bad time for them to strike."

"I'll make sure our troops stay alert," Chiro replied. "That being said, your majesty, I hate having to say this to you. Considering the threat this enemy poses, and the fact that no one has seen a trace of her since she went in..." He hesitated. "You know what might have happened."

After a moment to think about that, Corelia quickly looked away. "Until I am forced to see the evidence with my own eyes, I will refuse to believe that. Keep your senses sharp, and keep a close watch on the Blood Forest. If push comes to shove, well..." Her fists clenched. "I am not afraid to confront the demon king, and I will find a way to make him speak."

"I'm sure you can make him pay, just as well," Chiro replied. "I believe in your strength."

Atara elbowed him roughly. "Just as well, it'd help to know more about who this girl is. It's clear you know plenty about her already. Would you mind sharing with us?"

Corelia sighed, "Her name is Kita Rein. Though hard for me to believe, she's twenty years old now. She grew up with her father and an absent mother in a very small town, far in the northwest corner of Sybilius. There is much to her story, and she was disadvantaged from the start. A case of abuse I had no power of stopping, due to her father's damn 'connections' and old laws that still get in the way. That was one of the many reasons I tried to visit and involved myself with her life. I wanted to give her hope for a real future."

Atara's fist clenched. "Another spineless pipsqueak that tries to call himself a strong man by beating the weak. I want five minutes alone with him."

"That makes two of us," Corelia muttered. "Kita escaped at eighteen. I redirected her and her friends to Lion's Bridge, hoping a more tranquil environment would help them recover, but I'm afraid it did more harm than good. By all accounts, even before this issue with the Zyreans came up, Kita was facing wary villagers and becoming more of a recluse."

Chiro arched one brow. "She went from being a shut-in to jumping headfirst into demons' land? How does that even happen?"

"Maybe she was pressured by someone with more information," Atara remarked.

While she and Chiro discussed the possibilities, Corelia felt her stomach churning with anxiety. She could only think of the long discussion she had with Kita, over the Zyrean Emblem and what it represented. The more she thought about it, especially knowing the current predicament, the more she came to regret her decision. Playing dumb, or even using a white lie, could've prevented this mess.

The queen thought to herself, I don't want to think of myself as trying to not take any blame. However, she found herself thinking about the emblem even without interference, or ever so much as hearing about a demon, far from their territory. Could it have only been a matter of time before she found the rest of the story? Just as I thought that night, she could've discovered it all in a far worse way. Yet, this isn't much better. There truly is no way to go about this story without bringing consequences.

Before she could continue contemplating, Corelia heard some commotion outside. There was scratching on the door, followed quickly by the sound of guards speaking. She thought she might be crazy, until realizing that Atara and Chiro were also watching the door, confused.

"You hear that, as well?" Asked Corelia.

"Yes, your majesty," Chiro replied. "Do you want me to investigate?"

Corelia nodded. "Please, if you don't mind."

While Atara stayed put, one hand on the hilt of her sword, Chiro went to the doors of the observatory. Corelia tried to see what was happening, but only saw the lieutenant interrogating the two guards for answers, with no sign of another person. Soon, Chiro stepped back with something in his hands.

"Your majesty?" He spoke. "I don't know what to do, here."

When Chiro approached again, Corelia and Atara were both shocked to see Chiro holding a small, seemingly terrified white dog by its scruff. The small creature had a rolled piece of paper in its mouth.

Atara looked suspicious. "Isn't that-"

Corelia spoke quickly, "That's Kita's dog!"

"Thought so," Atara murmured. "How did it get into the palace? Whether Kita took it into the Blood Forest with her, or left it in Lion's Bridge, it seems very unlikely that it'd be able to make its way back here."

Chiro sneered, "If you think that's strange, why is it carrying a paper? I'd sooner believe this dog was trained to do a backflip, before it was trained to be a messenger."

"There is a way to teach any animal to be a messenger," Atara murmured. "It still takes a special potion, accompanied by plenty of training. Kita wouldn't have access to either, and I doubt the Zyreans would share the knowledge or supplies. This is very strange."

Corelia took the dog from Chiro. "Well, Stud did manage to find me when Kita first came to the palace."

As the dog seemed to calm down in the queen's arms, it lifted its head, trying to show off the paper. Corelia took it from him, setting the dog on the desk as she sat down behind it. The dog didn't move, just waited patiently.

As Corelia read the bit of writing, on the outside of the rolled note, she felt confused.

'For Queen Corelia'

Corelia untied the fiber holding the note together, then started reading. The two lieutenants waited patiently in front of the desk. While Atara was more invested in the note, Chiro eyed the dog suspiciously.

Once Corelia finished reading the note, she stood up with an urgent look about her. "It is from Kita. She's with the Zyrean Demons, and has somehow convinced them to let her stay under strict watch. In turn, they'll attempt to determine why their emblem was causing her to hallucinate."

Atara looked baffled. "You never mentioned hallucinating."

"Because I know it won't be taken seriously..." Corelia looked anxious, stopping to think. "While this makes me even more tempted to confront the demons, she makes a point in this note. If I do something rash, in an attempt to retrieve her, it may make them suspicious and more likely to harm her. However, the alternative is doing nothing, and just crossing our fingers that they don't kill her. This is..." She groaned, hitting the desk and startling Stud. "Dammit, this is the worst situation for her to be in."

"At least she's alive, though," Atara insisted. "If she's played the demons well enough to live this long, and even convinced them to let her stay, that's no small feat. With this dog smart enough to find you, creating some kind of message system, I think she'll be able to pull this off!"

"Let's hope so," Corelia murmured. "At the same time, if I sit here and do nothing, I'll lose my mind."

"What do you think we should do, then?" Asked Atara.

Corelia took a deep breath, looking at the small dog. "Not you, just me. In the simplified terms, I'm going to keep a closer eye on that cursed forest."


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81 Reviews


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Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:39 pm
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dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi Raven, here for another review using my new method.

What my Dragon eye fixed on
That entrance by Leiytning was perfect. It showed both his power and awareness of what the others in his tribe are scheming.

It was very interesting an endearing to hear the pain Thundur has experienced from Kita's people and a potential justification for their prejudice. Perhaps having something to do the war where many of them were wiped out.

Thundur stepped back. "I know 'us' excludes you, when you say it...

This also deepens my understanding of the relationship between the siblings. Not only are they responsible for the survival of their tribe, but also the love each other and don't want harm coming to either of them.

I like the idea of Leiytning having a final resort in the form of his sister's eye. He is definitely the type to always have a backup plan.

Quiet, foul harpy!

This is a great line. I just wanted to point that out.

I like seeing more of the connection between Corelia and Kita. Though I wonder if she would be this willing to stir up conflict with the demons if it was some random Sylph she didn't know.

I also like the confirmation that what she told Kita was the truth. And the self blame she has just speaks to her character even more.

Stud made it?! I wish it was a bit more obvious when she sent him off (though I suspect it was in Ch 19). Still, knowing what we know about Stud's magical nature it is unsurprising the guards would be suspicious.

Again I can't help but worry that Stud will get caught and when he does I can't imagine Kita's situation improving by any means.

Some loose scales
One was the lady with soft brown eyes and silver hair tied back in a tail, Atara. The other was the man with neat grayish-blond hair and gray eyes, Chiro.

It felt a bit awkward reading this. It may be better to put their names first, or to use 'a' in place of 'the'. ex. One was a lady...

Other than that I couldn't find any errors or improvements. Great job!

As mighty wings soar overall

This chapter gave us a lot of curcial information about goings on that Kita isn't aware of.

I like how we are slowly going deeper into Thundur and Leiytning's relationship and how they view Kita.

Also getting to see more of Corelia and her side of things was great. I'm so glad Stud made it safely. And Corelia promised to keep a closer eye on Blood Forest. Great cliffhanger.
Final wisdom of the scaled

I would love to see more of the castle and the going's on there but from Stud's point of view. I think that would be an interesting perspective to try in the future.

That's all! Have a wonderful day/night!




RavenAkuma says...


Welcome back! I get what you mean about Stud's perspective. I think I even had a moment like that in the original draft, and I scrapped it because I thought no one would be interested lol. Just another example of why these reviews are so helpful ~

Glad you enjoyed, thanks for taking the time to read and review it! :D



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Mon Mar 04, 2024 5:55 pm
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keeperofgaming wrote a review...



First impressions:
The contrasting view is incredible. The demons see Corelia as the ultimate evil, and Corelia sees them that way. It's a war between two greys. This allows it to seem more real, as each side tries to demonize the other. Their refusal to show each other's side is interesting, but it is also cool that Leiytning is not pulling any expenses on making sure that helping Kita won't backfire, but I also like how it is heavily implied that Kita knows that. Also, Stud the man, bringing the letter. You need to make a Stud plush.

Characters:
Timbur- Bro needs to grow up. He bashes Leiytning without knowing the whole situation, he let's his bias lord over his perception of the one he should respect wholeheartedly.

Thundur- I love how her concern is made obvious by her trying to get rid of her. It is also very well done how she steadily calms down as Leiytning explains the full extent of, not only his reasons, but his contingencies. She wants to make sure everyone stays safe and it shows.

The Commanders- I like how playful and serious they are, as well as their willingness to search for the girl that the queen cares for. Their shock at Stud was awesome and made me like them more.

Corelia- She is brave and valiant, her willingness to risk herself shows her knowledge of her strength as well as her care for Kita. She wants to protect as many as she can, emphasizing her noble nature. I like how, similar to Kita, she is ignorant to the true nature of the Zyreans, she is scared of losing Kita, as well as losing her people, but she doesn't let it cloud her judgement, allowing her to decide to watch the border. Her reading the letter that Stud delivered was also awesome.

Stud: He da best boy.

Theory:
I know I said that Leiytning may be her father, but if her father was confirmed, but her mother was nowhere to be found, then it could be Thundur. As Thundur and Leiytning are the same mind, this would allow for the voice that sounds like Leiytning, as well as expand on her being a half demon. This would also explain the extra weird feeling that Thundur gets from Kita.

Overall:
Good read, you should get it animated and release a Stud plush.




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Mon Jan 29, 2024 11:34 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
I am back once more to check out this stellar chapter!
(I would like to preface this review by saying I am quite tired, so I really hope all of this makes sense...)


Per my interpretation, this was an amazing addition to your novel! It was a lot of fun to read and offered a few different perspectives on what's going on.

The story starts with Thundur and Leiytning talking about the possibility of Kita becoming a threat and what might happen with Corelia. Soon the story changed to Corelia's perspective, and she was planning what to do about the missing Sylph. Abruptly, there's scratching at the door, and she and the lieutenants were interrupted. They went to see what it was, and it turned out to be Kita's dog with the note she wrote for Corelia. She read it and immediately began contemplating Kita's safety as well as taking measures to make sure she stayed out of danger.

This was a great chapter, with many fantastic things happening!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be a small thing that occurs when Corelia asks the lieutenants if they have any information on the Sylph or the Blood Forest. You said,

Come think of it, didn't I ask Shira to do that?


You just missed a small word in there, "to." It's a simple fix and would make the text look like:

Come to think of it, didn't I ask Shira to do that?


But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, there would be a couple! There were some great things happening here!

The first thing that really stood out to me in this was when Leiytning and Thundur were arguing about what could happen if Corelia attacked, and you said,

As he pulled off Thundur's eye-patch, it revealed her left eye to be a horrible, sinister, haunting black hue with a piercing white ring within.

"We both know your influence can be far stronger than Corelia's," Leiytning said darkly. "Or are you so unconfident in our own strength that you don't think you could break a mortal commoner?


This was a really interesting way to reveal some sort of power that Thundur has in a very nonchalant manner, and I thought the way it was done was really neat. It also did a great job showing the amount of trust there is between Leiytning and Thundur, which made this even better, so kudos to you for that!

The next thing about this chapter that caught my eye came when Corelia was talking to the lieutenants and was more worried about finding Kita and getting her to safety than punishing her for disobeying her orders. You said,

Chiro crossed his arms. "What a little brat, directly disobeying the queen's laws after she so generously makes time for her. This girl ought to be locked up!"

Corelia looked unamused. "No. Right now, we need to focus on getting her back safe and sound, hopefully without provoking the Zyreans and risking an attack. Right now would be a bad time for them to strike."


This showed the queen's humanity and how, even though she's nobility and nobility is normally seen as uptight and rude, she still cares about Kita and has the patience to actually try and take care of her. I felt like this was a great show of her character, and I enjoyed it very much! And building off of this idea...

At the end, when Corelia was trying to decide the best action to take, you showed just how much Corelia really cares about Kita. You said,

Corelia took a deep breath, looking at the small dog. "Not you, just me. In the simplified terms, I'm going to keep a closer eye on that cursed forest."


This showed that she's legitimately going out of her way to do everything she can to make sure Kita's safe, despite the dangers it may put herself and others in, once again showing her character and humanity really well. This chapter did a phenomenal job showing the deeper, softer side of Corelia, and I loved it very much. So good job with that!


Overall, I had a lot of fun reading this chapter! I'll definitely check out the bonus chapter soon, but for now, I'm going to head out.

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




RavenAkuma says...


Hello, welcome back! Typo noted. Thanks for reading and reviewing, always appreciated -and I hope you got some rest by now, lol.




Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain