z

Young Writers Society



What I am Here For

by Samus


What I am Here For

It had been months since I had last set my eyes on the great city. And, I imagined, months more until I would see our goal. With every coming day dread fell upon me and the chains I wore weighed me down. I was a day farther from home and a day closer to the choice of my lifetime.

Our commanding officer stood over me and my people. The officer mocked us. We were in chains while he could ride on horseback, we starved while he was well fed, we were tired and concerned while he slept soundly, and we wore worn clothes while he wore a cape of red. It was he that that sneered daily, “Be ready animals; we will be to the glorious city soon. With every coming day you will be closer to a decision.” he always paused and locked eyes with me, “Some of you will choose correctly.”. His name was Justinian.

Justinian was the greatest reminder of the questions I would be asked, the things I would be ordered to do. It made me feel weak and lightheaded. I would just be another piece in the great empire’s massacre. The coming city filled me with dread with every passing day. I will be ordered to renounce the God of my people, and to forsake my livelihood.

When we were first captured together I was certain I would stand my ground. I was sure I would choose death over betrayal, but as I see the army of Rome I am unresolved. Justinian has the face of my people. He speaks with a faint accent that can be traced back to Hebrew. He also was once part of the chosen race of God but he traded it all for a cape dyed red with the blood of the brave. I could be like him. I could be well fed and freed from the chains that weighed down my hands. I could be a leader in the greatest army in the world. I could accomplish much in the eyes of man. However; I knew that the great things would not be accepted in the eyes of my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

The night we camped outside the huge capitol walls I slept restlessly. In the morning we would be faced with a life and death question. I had made my decision.

As I and my fellow prisoners approached the great city I was struck in awe at its glory. It was beautiful and splendid. The buildings were brightly decorated with colored glass and the streets glowed in the morning sun. All this however was quickly forgotten due to the people who inhabited them. The gawked lewdly and grinned voluptuously and mocked loudly. We were led to a large building connected to what I can only assume was the Coliseum that Justinian had bragged about. Once we arrived, men in brown robes stripped us and scrubbed our filthy sun-burnt bodies clean. We were clothed in fresh garments, re-chained, and given a blank wooden sign that hung around our necks.

After we were lined up, two men that reminded me of exotic birds pranced into the room. They wore shimmering robes and large jewels. They casually walked past each one of us. One man spoke our tongue and the other wrote on the sign. The question remained the same, “Do you renounce the God of the Jews and the Christians?” As each man, woman, or child answered I grew more faint.

When the bird-like men strutted towards me I became weary. I prayed to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; The God of my people that kept me alive when I was sick, the God of my people that kept me safe in danger, my God that now filled me with strength. The decorated man asked the question. I answered a simple “No” that caused all my newfound strength to go from me. An old and young man held me on either side as I started to fall. One of the decorated ones, paint in hand, marked an “X” on my sign.

It happened all too quickly. The servants in brown robes ushered the few that were marked with a “X” into a dark room. I was upset to see both the old and young man walk away with the multitude. Once the door was shut my eyes adjusted to the dim light. We were left there for what seemed like hours until I saw the light streaming in from the opening gate in front of us. Then the wait felt like seconds. 

The arena dust caused me to cough but as it settled my breath caught in my throat. The sight of lions made me long for the dark room and it's previously closed gates. It made me wish this had all been a dream. I begged my God for this to be just another story in our holy text. But, my decision was made. The strength that had filled me earlier came over me again, but this time stronger. As the lions approached, I felt strong. The shackles I had worn for so long still bound my wrist but I could no longer feel their weight. While the others fled in search of some corner to hide in I walked confidently towards the center, while the others shielded their face with their bound hands I lifted my freed ones, while the others screamed for mercy I shouted:

“I am here for the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob!”


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Points: 442
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Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:06 am
RissaG wrote a review...



Hi! First of all, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this story; it is about something very real and powerful and as a reader I felt connected to the story.

As a suggestion, it looks like there are some issues with punctuation that make the sentences seem like run-ons when they aren't. Maybe a few more well-placed commas could break up the monotony of the same sentence structure and open up the story a bit. Also, you switched back and forth a little bit between tenses. I get that the narrator is both reflecting on past experiences and relaying events as they happen, but the switches were not consistent.

As far as the actual experience of being in the room and the persecutors approaching the narrator, I felt like you could have added more imagery and suspense in order to heighten the emotion of this dramatic situation; I definitely wouldn't have minded some elaboration in that section, especially as it leads directly up to such a dramatic and powerful ending note. I would have loved to hear more about the internal dilemma the narrator experiences as the men get closer and closer to her spot in line.




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Sun Aug 03, 2014 10:25 am
Legibletext wrote a review...



Hi, I like you're descriptive techniques; very sophisticated and overall 'well done'. However, I kind of feel mislead; I guess I thought from the title that the piece would be slightly more philosophical than what it actually was (in my opinion) but that's probably just my problem. Haha. Anyway, I kind of got what you were on about, but I felt myself drifting off little because I'm generally not so into the gallant warrior stuff. But overall it was well written with few errors, so keep writing.




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 8:18 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Samus, my old friend! I look forward to future donations! :D

Let's start with the beginning. One main problem I see with writers is punctuation. Something stood out to me here.

"“Some of you will choose correctly.”."

Was the double period really necessary?

And some little nitpicks are often chosen to be the spotlight of my review.

"As I and my fellow prisoners approached the great city..."

"I and my fellow prisoners" is a little bit strange. "My fellow prisoners and I" sounds much better, in my opinion.

Samus, great on the vocabulary! Yet, "the" should be "they".

"The gawked lewdly and grinned voluptuously and mocked loudly."

You need not capitalize things after the semicolon.

"The God of my people that kept me alive when I was sick,"

This was amazing, though, but was the "Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob" really needed? That is all. Happy Awesome Day!

-wisegirl22




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 12:51 pm
speciabilitator says...



I really enjoyed this piece; it was well-written, though with a few errors here and there ("The gawked lewdly and grinned..."), and it captured the very "tribal" feeling of the Jews (I can say it- I'm Jewish) and their tenacious faith.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?




Samus says...


Thanks for the review! I'm 16, how old are you?




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— Feltrix