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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Chains of Duty Chapter 6: Xelop Returns

by ConfusedGlasses


For some reason Nidara could not go back to sleep that night. She would have liked to believe it was because of the long nap she had enjoyed due to the medicine she had taken during her seizure, but she knew better. The agony of the seizure had left her more tired than ever. The only thing good about those hours in bed was the vision she had.

Keed never lied to me…

She kept tossing and turning in her bed, trying to will her eyes to close and rest. The constant movement berated her back. The wounds were now only scars, but the seizure had left them a bit sensitive. Every time she shifted her back would itch. And it was not helping that she could not reach the spot. She had lost track of time long ago.

Finally, unable to sleep, she left her bed and stood next to her open window. There was a slight chill in the air; unusual as it was the middle of summer. She looked up toward the sky. It was covered in clouds. Extremely dark looking grey clouds. But how? Even on the occasional thunderstorms the sky was never this dark, not even if the night was moonless.

She closed her eyes.

I must be seeing things. The seizure has gotten to me. I need to sleep…

She swiftly latched the window and walked back to bed.

“Going to sleep are we?” an indistinct voice whispered next to her ear.

She jumped, gasping. “Who’s there?” she asked in an alarmed voice. She expected to see an intruder. But no one was there. She scanned the room again. No one. She breathed heavily.

Has to be the seizure…

She lay back down. Her heart still beat furiously. She breathed in and out a few times, trying to calm herself. Just when she felt somewhat relaxed the voice spoke again, more clearly this time. And she recognized the voice…

“Nidara, my dear, now is not the time to idle around,” it said mockingly, “has no one told you of the unrest near the outskirts of Yawen?”

She sat up. How could this be happening? It had to be a trick of her mind. Xelop was gone.

The voice chuckled. “I may have been gone. But I am not dead.”

Anger flared up inside her. “What do you want? You could not take Yawen. And you never can!”

“Oh? We’ll see about that won’t we now? Soon. In the meantime, my dear, you should come out of your little mouse hole. Go to your study. I believe you will want to witness the situation…” the voice trailed off.

“What situation?” she asked, suddenly apprehensive. The way he had uttered the invitation was in itself enough to intimidate the entire court.

The voice chuckled again softly. “I would not ruin the surprise for you now would I? Come, Nidara, and you will see.” The voice became distant with every word, and finally disappeared.

Nidara sat, confused and anxious. What was going on? How could this be happening?

What is in the study? There cannot be anything. It is locked every night. Only I and Novara have the key…

The possibility of Novara being in danger dawned upon her. “Novara!” she exclaimed as she leaped out of bed. She dashed to the study as fast as she could. Sure enough, the doors leading into the study were ajar. In the darkness of the night that permeated the outer halls, a faint light shone from inside the room. Nidara could not see the source of the light, but anyone could tell it far from any light anyone had seen in their life time. There was something mystical and dark about it, she could tell even from this distance.

She cautiously stepped inside. The light shone brighter as she stepped into the chamber. She turned a corner around a shelf that was blocking her view of the study table; she stopped short.

He turned his deathly white face toward her and smiled a ghastly smile. He was glowing, an unearthly glow. His black eyes looked blacker than ever, and the black swish cloak added to the horrific atmosphere.

In front of him, on the table, lay an open book; which one it was Nidara could not tell. It was one of the two that she and Keed had had. Its pages glowed evermore in otherworldly sheen. Particles floated from its pages up toward Xelop as he stood, each little piece making him the faintest bit more substantial.

“I would have thought you were faster, Nidara Yahnim.” He said in a voice so deep it was a wonder it could even be heard.

Memories of her in captivity came rushing back and she shivered. But then Nidara braced herself. No one could get here fast enough even if they knew. She had neither the time nor the opportunity to call for help. She had to deal with this as best she could.

“What brings you here, Xelop?” she asked spitefully.

“Oh, just the fact that you arranged for my return without knowing it.” his mouth twisted in an evil grin.

“What do you mean?”

“I beg your pardon, Nidara, but perhaps Keed would know better. And your little tot of a sister even better so.”

“Stop speaking in riddles, Xelop!”

“I am not speaking in riddles Nidara. It is just that people tend to not usually understand what I say, because they are intellectually beneath me.”

“And you are intellectually above me because of your tyranny I presume.”

“My, my, you have become very dangerously presumptuous, Nidara. That is very bad indeed, and not at all a desirable quality for one who is to inherit the throne of Yawen.” He said in mock remorse.

Nidara felt anger boiling up inside her. She had an extremely strong urge to strangle him on the spot. She could not, though, because this was Xelop. No one ever got within two meters radius of him with a mind at offensive and lived to tell the tale. She forced a calm demeanor into her speech and actions.

“Why did you call me here?” she asked impatiently.

“To let you know that this time, nothing will stop me,” his voice became serious in the nick of time. “And that this time, I am not interested in the royal family. Not anymore at least.” One corner of his mouth lifted in a crooked smirk.

Nidara’s eyes widened. “What do you mean ‘not anymore’?”

“Your sister is very useful when she is curious.” he said with a half smile, and she noticed that he looked more like he really was, a human of flesh and bones, now than he did when she came in. before she could formulate something to say, he was gone with a swish of his cloak. The book closed of its own accord.

One of the windows was open at the far end of the chamber. Faint moonlight filtered through the flowing curtains. Nidara reckoned she had failed to notice it previously because of Xelop’s domineering presence. Or had the sky really been that black?

She shook her head, and only now did she notice a dark figure huddled on the floor under the open window. The figure, she concluded, was definitely that of a lady, cloak draped over the floor, long black hair cascading down her back. What scared her was that the figure did not seem to be moving.

Nidara cautiously edged toward the figure, one hand clutching her cloak as if for dear life. It was dark except for the moonlight through the window. As she came within hand’s reach of the figure she had inkling that it was Novara.

Your sister is very useful when she is curious…

She touched the figure’s shoulder and gave it a small shake. “Novara?” she asked. Immediately, Novara fell backwards into her arms in a fit of unconsciousness.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Xelop appeared inside your study?” the king asked incredulously.

“Yes, father. And I found Novara hence, cowering in a corner. When I went to look she was unconscious.” Nidara explained.

King Markoph Yahnim shook his head in dismay. ”Things are not good. Both of my daughters fall ill on the same day. Xelop returns. This is not good at all.”

“Father, I think it is time we worried about Novara a bit more. I reckon she was unconscious the entire time during which I conversed with Xelop. And perhaps even from before. She would have spoken up otherwise.” Nidara turned toward Novara who was lay unconscious in her bed, a worried expression on her face.

Markoph put a hand on his daughter’s shoulder. “As much as I agree with you, there is nothing at all we can do, except wait.”

Nidara trained her eyes on the ground at her father’s words. “This world,” she whispered, “is not fair.”

Markoph sighed. “I know, my child.” He paused. “Now,” he said with an air that came from years of grooming and mastery of making the right decisions at critical times, “Nidara, you stay by Novara, take care of her. I am sure we both understand that steps need to be taken now that Xelop is back.”

Nidara squared her shoulders. “Yes, father.”

Markoph turned to leave when Thyen and Keed walked in, the general somewhat breathless and Keed plainly disgruntled.

“What is the matter, gentlemen?” the king asked, looking from one to the other in anxious expectance.

“Your highness, the rehabilitation camps…” Thyen stopped short, clearly too shocked to continue.

“What about them?” Nidara asked, perked up at the mention of the rehab camps.

“They have broken up.” Keed said. “They are moving away from the walls of the city. Our scouts say they are preparing to attack.”

~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued…

~~~~~~~~~~

Suggestions are welcome ~pui pui~


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Wed Sep 10, 2014 2:55 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Glasses!

Alright, I finally got around to checking out your latest chapter. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to it. I've been quite busy.

Heading into this chapter, I was really excited for it though. In my previous review I told you I wanted to know more about this Xelop guy and you definately came through. I'm really glad we now have a better view of this guy.

What I felt you did really good in this chapter was, well, Xelop himself. This was a really good introduction to him. We've been hearing about him and his atrocities for a while now and the person you presented us here does fit the bill. More precisely, I thought the way you described Xelop was very well done. I can really picture him. Sadly, I can't really say this for the other characters. They're muted. Obviously, a lot of that comes from the fact that Xelop is this evil, sickly looking dude. Easier to picture.

Other than this, I found the chapter to be well written overall. You get straight to the point, move the story along nicely and pace the scenes well. Very easy chapter to read through, with a satisfying payoff. There were a few instances where I questioned some plot elements, but I'll get to that.

I found very little grammatical issues either. Your writing is only getting better and better. I'd say this is without a doubt your best chapter so far.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:


The only thing good about those hours in bed was the vision she had.

While I enjoyed reading through this chapter, I did wonder about this. Because as I looked over it again after reading it, I was unsure what you meant by this. It can't be to what's going on in the rest of the chapter, because that wasn't a vision.

Which would only mean that you are indicating to the following line below; 'Keed never lied to me...'. While I know this ties into her trust issues with him, I feel like this was glossed over.

Every time she shifted her back would itch.

Just a small thing I noticed; you are more likely to notice an itch when you are lying still, rather than when you're shifting around or moving.

Edit
It was covered in clouds; extremely dark looking grey clouds.
There are several places within this piece where you use a semicolon to your advantage. That's good, because they are awesome. However, you could totally have used one here as well.

Edit
She expected to see an intruder, but no one was there.

These two sentences should be one. Just replace the period with a comma. This also removes a new sentence beginning with a conjunction ('but'). Which is okay, but I generally tend to avoid it.

Edit
Just when she felt somewhat relaxed, the voice spoke again, more clearly this time.
Added a comma.

She sat up. How could this be happening? It had to be a trick of her mind. Xelop was gone.
This is one of my bigger qualms with the chapter. In this line, you are narrating what is going on, as per usual. It's not dialogue and it's not the character's thoughts. Yet, in the following line, Xelop seems to answer this as if she had said this to herself or if she was thinking it, and Xelop can read her mind:

'The voice chuckled. “I may have been gone. But I am not dead.”'
Do you see? Why did he say that? How was he answering the 'narration'? Nidara didn't say or ask anything to prompt him.

Suggestion
The voice became distant with every word before finally disappearing.
I feel it reads better.

Edit
Nidara sat there, confused and anxious.

Just a quick edit to differentiate from earlier when she sits up.

Only I and Novara have the key…

Originally, I read this as just the study, which would make it stupid that only they had the key. However, seeing as it's their private study, it makes a little more sense. I still think it's fairly unrealistic that only those two would carry keys though.

permeated

I'd say I have quite a broad vocabulary... yet, I had to look up this word. To be honest, it appears to be a little used word and I tend to avoid using words that there's a big chance readers won't pick up on it.

Edit
but anyone could tell it was far from any light anyone had seen in their lifetime.
Added a word and put two other together.

Suggestion
In front of him, on the table, lay an open book; Nidara could not tell which one it was.
This line originally read a bit muddled.

Edit
Its pages glowed evermore in an otherworldly sheen.

Added a word.

I'm really liking the conversation Nidara has with Xelop here. You really give him personality. His appearance is well described and I especially like how you let us know about his exceptionally deep voice. It adds a lot.

“To let you know that this time, nothing will stop me,” his voice became serious in the nick of time. “And that this time, I am not interested in the royal family. Not anymore at least.”
Now though, we come to my biggest issue with this chapter. Despite his appearence here being very well written, I hate the reason he is there in the first place.

He is only contacting her to let her know that he is around. That is stupid. This is the good, old clichè of the villain showing up just to let the protagonist know his plan. The villain needs to gloat. It's the Bond villain taking the time to explain to Bond how he did it, and why. Etc, etc.

If Xelop didn't show up here and tell Nidara of his plan, they would all be clueless as to what is going on. So them combining both books somehow released him... that's okay. But they had no idea what was going on, they didn't know that he was back. Now they do. They can fight him. Really not a fan of this trope.

Edit
Before she could formulate something to say,

Capitalized start of new sentence. Quick error.

“What about them?” Nidara asked, perked up at the mention of the rehab camps.
Wait. If the general was clearly too shocked to continue, why would Nidara be perked up by it? Shouldn't she be nervous or apprehensive?

The last part with Nidara and her father was also pretty good. They have some good dialogue and it was a nice spot to drop the king's name.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could say for this chapter.

It's very good! Your best so far. Aside from that annoying part about Xelop revealing himself, I really enjoyed this. It's getting easier to review your works as there are less small problems to bring up and I can instead focus on the overall plot.

I'm looking forward to where you are going with this. I generally have no suggestions as to where you could take the plot. I think that's something you will come up with after a while. Unless you do some specific brainstorming, you'll still have some ideas pop into your head soon. Let me know when you have a new chapter out. I'll try to get to it within the month! :D

Keep it up, Glasses!




Cheers
Birkhoff






Thank you for the fabulous review Birk! (if u will allow me to call u that). I really didn't think this was too cliched because I had a pretty clear idea of what was going on, guess I didn't convey it well enough.
Well, after I wrote this I can't seem to come up with any good ideas about what's gonna happen next. Some suggestions would be nice. I've worked on some back story and am thinking of ways to put that in.
Think you've got any suggestion worth sharing?



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Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:04 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm all caught up! :D

Oh no, that title doesn't give me the greatest feeling about this chapter. Something's about to go down; I can feel it.

Yes! Xelop is my favorite kind of villain: pompous, arrogant, and always mocks the hero; the villain you can't help but loving somehow. I'm happy that we finally get to meet him. We've heard all this talk about him for so long now, it's about time that we get to see his face. It's not surprising that he turns up after the whole incident with the books. At least, I kind of saw it coming. Something bad happens and Novara was injured greatly. It's a perfect time for the villain to show up. Granted, I didn't know that it would be Xelop, but I figured the villain would appear soon. I'm excited :3 This means there is going to be even more problems that the characters have to deal with. That's where the real action comes from. Looking forward to it :)

Wow, things just keep getting worse and worse, don't they? First the whole incident with the books, then Nidara hearing Xelop's voice, then actually seeing him in the study and realizing that her sister was there unconscious. Now the rehabilitation camps are disbanding. Can it get any worse than this?

I really don't have anything to say about this chapter. I found it very well written. I truly enjoyed the conversation Nidara had with Xelop. It went just about exactly how I would've imagined it to go. You are doing a great job describing your characters and making sure that we know everything we need to know about them. Keep up the good work!

Let me know when the next chapter is out. I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Thanks for your review Noelle. Really. Nothing makes a writer happier than her readers talking about her works.



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Sun Aug 03, 2014 1:13 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review! Sorry, I took so long at this! :) Will try to be more punctual in the future.

Sooo the plot thickens, eh? I'm sooo excited now! And the way you ended this? Brilliant darlin. Just brilliant. Don't ever stop writing! EVER.

I'd say I'm like Nirada A LOT. It seems like she could compare to Katniss or Tris, actually. She's quite the strong character, and I think you've done a good job on developing her so far.
What I'm super curious about, is what is going on with her sister? As in, what is going to happen to her... she's unconscious? That usually means something is wrong (duhh Therese..) and you'll be telling us about that later on, right? So excited for it! :D

And it was not helping that she could not reach the spot.


Er, for a sec I thought that she couldn't reach the spot because she was somehow immobilized, but reading further on I saw that she wasn't. OK, why exactly can't she reach the spot on her back? I just tried to reach every spot on my back and I did it! Sooo maybe get rid of it, or change it around to something else.

Even with the occasional thunderstorms


The word that I put in red, is the one that I think you should change it to. :D

“Who’s there?” she asked in an alarmed voice


An example of the show don't tell... instead of saying that, she said in a alarmed voice, rather describe the voice. Was it pitched high in alarm, or was it pitched low? For a girl, I'd obviously think that it was pitched high, but some description is always handy for stuff like this, especially for such an exciting moment!

We’ll see about that won’t we now?


Comma after that. There are a couple of spots like this throughout the work, but I figured I'd use this one as an example for you.

He turned his deathly white face toward her and smiled a ghastly smile.


Spied a little unnecessary repetition that just didn't seem to flow. I put it in red. Instead of saying that he smiled a ghastly smile, try describing little stuff about his smile. For an example, his teeth. Go for something descriptive but while still keeping the story going.

The way he had uttered the invitation was in itself enough to intimidate the entire court.


Would just suggest putting the invitation into italics. Would make it stand out more, and create a better impression.

Nidara could not see the source of the light, but anyone could tell it was far from any light anyone had seen in their life time.


Is missing a word in there somewhere. Got confused for a minute!

It was one of the two that she and Keed had had.


I'd figure out a way to cut out one of those had's. Maybe rephrase it to this...

It was one of the two that she and Keed had been looking through earlier.

Just a little example, but two words that are the same, don't do too well together. :P

“Oh, just the fact that you arranged for my return without knowing it.” his mouth twisted in an evil grin.


If you are meaning for the part of this to be connected as a dialogue tag, then you will need a comma after it instead of a period. But if not, then you'll need to capitalize his.
You make this mistake a few times throughout, but not a big deal. Just make sure to run through and fix that. :D

before she could formulate something to say, he was gone with a swish of his cloak.


Caps on the beginning of a sentence.

The figure, she concluded, was definitely that of a lady


Er, lady doesn't seem to do it. It seems AWKWARD to me. No offense at all, but it did. I'd suggest just changing it to woman.

Markoph turned to leave when Thyen and Keed walked in,


Walked in? One of them was breathless though.. maybe switch it around to where you make it sound like their walking SUPER FAST into the room instead. Just to make sure you keep the urgency level high of the situation.


Overall I thought it was a fab chapter, with swell character development put in throughout. You did a great job on spicing this up, and I can't wait to read more! (I'm perfectly serious, and telling the truth.. I REALLY want to read more now).

Your writing style seems so complex, but yet... clean, at the same time. I can understand and visualize almost everything here, and every little bit of information that you give us, doesn't feel like you're shoving it in our faces. Well done! :D

Keep writing, and tag me as usual for the next chapter, and your other works! *waits expectantly*

~Cricket






Thank you so much for this awesome review Therese! I owe you one! And I'll go through the things you mentioned. B y the way, do you have any guesse about whats going to happen next?





hehehe, not entirely sure, really... how bout I just wait for the next chapter, as I don't wanna get anything wrong... :D



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Sat Aug 02, 2014 5:03 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello ConfusedGlasses!

I can't wait for the next chapter! The suspense grows every chapter! I found two typos, you just forgot some letters.

"lived o tell the tale." lived to tell the tale?
"Both f my daughters" Both of my daughters?

That's about it. Keep it up!

~Kelpies.






Aww! Thank you!




The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller