Hey Glasses!
Alright, I finally got around to checking out your latest chapter. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to it. I've been quite busy.
Heading into this chapter, I was really excited for it though. In my previous review I told you I wanted to know more about this Xelop guy and you definately came through. I'm really glad we now have a better view of this guy.
What I felt you did really good in this chapter was, well, Xelop himself. This was a really good introduction to him. We've been hearing about him and his atrocities for a while now and the person you presented us here does fit the bill. More precisely, I thought the way you described Xelop was very well done. I can really picture him. Sadly, I can't really say this for the other characters. They're muted. Obviously, a lot of that comes from the fact that Xelop is this evil, sickly looking dude. Easier to picture.
Other than this, I found the chapter to be well written overall. You get straight to the point, move the story along nicely and pace the scenes well. Very easy chapter to read through, with a satisfying payoff. There were a few instances where I questioned some plot elements, but I'll get to that.
I found very little grammatical issues either. Your writing is only getting better and better. I'd say this is without a doubt your best chapter so far.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
The only thing good about those hours in bed was the vision she had.
While I enjoyed reading through this chapter, I did wonder about this. Because as I looked over it again after reading it, I was unsure what you meant by this. It can't be to what's going on in the rest of the chapter, because that wasn't a vision.
Which would only mean that you are indicating to the following line below; 'Keed never lied to me...'. While I know this ties into her trust issues with him, I feel like this was glossed over.
Every time she shifted her back would itch.
Just a small thing I noticed; you are more likely to notice an itch when you are lying still, rather than when you're shifting around or moving.
Edit
There are several places within this piece where you use a semicolon to your advantage. That's good, because they are awesome. However, you could totally have used one here as well.It was covered in clouds; extremely dark looking grey clouds.
Edit
She expected to see an intruder, but no one was there.
These two sentences should be one. Just replace the period with a comma. This also removes a new sentence beginning with a conjunction ('but'). Which is okay, but I generally tend to avoid it.
Edit
Added a comma.Just when she felt somewhat relaxed, the voice spoke again, more clearly this time.
This is one of my bigger qualms with the chapter. In this line, you are narrating what is going on, as per usual. It's not dialogue and it's not the character's thoughts. Yet, in the following line, Xelop seems to answer this as if she had said this to herself or if she was thinking it, and Xelop can read her mind:She sat up. How could this be happening? It had to be a trick of her mind. Xelop was gone.
'The voice chuckled. “I may have been gone. But I am not dead.”'
Do you see? Why did he say that? How was he answering the 'narration'? Nidara didn't say or ask anything to prompt him.
Suggestion
I feel it reads better.The voice became distant with every word before finally disappearing.
Edit
Nidara sat there, confused and anxious.
Just a quick edit to differentiate from earlier when she sits up.
Only I and Novara have the key…
Originally, I read this as just the study, which would make it stupid that only they had the key. However, seeing as it's their private study, it makes a little more sense. I still think it's fairly unrealistic that only those two would carry keys though.
permeated
I'd say I have quite a broad vocabulary... yet, I had to look up this word. To be honest, it appears to be a little used word and I tend to avoid using words that there's a big chance readers won't pick up on it.
Edit
Added a word and put two other together.but anyone could tell it was far from any light anyone had seen in their lifetime.
Suggestion
This line originally read a bit muddled.In front of him, on the table, lay an open book; Nidara could not tell which one it was.
Edit
Its pages glowed evermore in an otherworldly sheen.
Added a word.
I'm really liking the conversation Nidara has with Xelop here. You really give him personality. His appearance is well described and I especially like how you let us know about his exceptionally deep voice. It adds a lot.
Now though, we come to my biggest issue with this chapter. Despite his appearence here being very well written, I hate the reason he is there in the first place.“To let you know that this time, nothing will stop me,” his voice became serious in the nick of time. “And that this time, I am not interested in the royal family. Not anymore at least.”
He is only contacting her to let her know that he is around. That is stupid. This is the good, old clichè of the villain showing up just to let the protagonist know his plan. The villain needs to gloat. It's the Bond villain taking the time to explain to Bond how he did it, and why. Etc, etc.
If Xelop didn't show up here and tell Nidara of his plan, they would all be clueless as to what is going on. So them combining both books somehow released him... that's okay. But they had no idea what was going on, they didn't know that he was back. Now they do. They can fight him. Really not a fan of this trope.
Edit
Before she could formulate something to say,
Capitalized start of new sentence. Quick error.
Wait. If the general was clearly too shocked to continue, why would Nidara be perked up by it? Shouldn't she be nervous or apprehensive?“What about them?” Nidara asked, perked up at the mention of the rehab camps.
The last part with Nidara and her father was also pretty good. They have some good dialogue and it was a nice spot to drop the king's name.
Alright, that's pretty much all I could say for this chapter.
It's very good! Your best so far. Aside from that annoying part about Xelop revealing himself, I really enjoyed this. It's getting easier to review your works as there are less small problems to bring up and I can instead focus on the overall plot.
I'm looking forward to where you are going with this. I generally have no suggestions as to where you could take the plot. I think that's something you will come up with after a while. Unless you do some specific brainstorming, you'll still have some ideas pop into your head soon. Let me know when you have a new chapter out. I'll try to get to it within the month!
Keep it up, Glasses!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Points: 13620
Reviews: 212
Donate