Hey! IamTraunt here to review! I'm in India so sorry if my reviews are late. There is WiFi here so I will be online.
Nitpicks!
The treehouse gives way to a living room.
This should be 'tree house' as it is not all one word.
Stories of pirates and Indians, lost and lonely boys, mermaids and fairies lit up our nights for years until she finally passed away in her sleep just a month ago.
This sentence is quite long so I suggest splitting it, like so:
Stories of pirates and Indians, lost and lonely boys, mermaids and fairies lit up our nights for years. That waa until she finally passed away in her sleep just a month ago.
After a few moments, the stuffing, potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce fly around the room, crashing into the walls with magnificent shattering sounds, harmonizing with the gasps of everyone in the room, including Peter and me.
This sentence is quite long and is very distracting. I suggest splitting it up:
After a few moments, the stuffing, potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce fly around the room. They crashing into the walls with magnificent shattering sounds, harmonizing with the gasps of everyone in the room, including Peter and me.
Gran enters the room, struggling to set a huge turkey on the dining room table.
"Peter, help her," Wendy tells the boy.
I was a little confused her. Isn't it Wendy that's struggling? Why is she saying help her when she's the one that needs help?
All done!
Okay, lets get down to the story! Royal... This is so... So sad. It cut me deep, very deep. It was as if I could see the old Wendy, struggling. I could imagine her before my very eyes and it was so terribly sad. I mean, when you know someone from being young, all energetic and happy, then you see them old, in pain, lifeless - its awful. Wow. I never thought I could get so upset over this. You really dig deep and stir up the emotions of your reader. This really brought tears to my eyes.
Oh that naughty shadow! I remember when I watched Peter Pan and laughed at the shadow, I live how you've related this back to the original Peter Pan. Its really clever. You are very good at retelling and adding on to that wonderful tale - its like a fabulous new version of future events for Peter. (And past). Splendid work! Loved it!
Keep it up, m'dear!
Points: 25917
Reviews: 254
Donate