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Young Writers Society


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Battle Arena 1; Exciting Short Story: Wake From This Nightmare!

by ANADIR


Haven’t you ever wondered what happens after you lay your head back on that comfy pillow, and stare up at the ceiling pointlessly for a few minutes before everything is just…gone? Haven’t you ever wondered why you are just gone one moment and when you’re back, it’s suddenly shining? I’ll tell you one thing: I have. And I know why. And now, you will too.

Your eyes close, and your heartbeat slows down. Then your consciousness flees your body, and you know no more. But something else wakes up the moment you fall into sleep. Something different than you, something that is beyond our feeble human minds. See, the phrase “Fall asleep” has some real meaning behind it.

Your consciousness flees your body…and tumbles downwards. You fall down…down…down, and the darkness envelopes you. You notice how cold it is, yet how at home you feel. Yet something is wrong. This is your home, yet you feel like an interloper in it.

The darkness loses its homely feel, and your consciousness is suddenly aware of thousands of eyes staring at you, just waiting to pull you in. But they cannot defeat you, not yet. The thing within you emerges with a mighty roar, and you feel yourself form into a more tangible body. Although it is dark, you can see it looks much like you, yet much longer. Your mouth and eyes are replaced with thin white holes.

The thing within you leaps forward, it’s mighty arms tearing through the malicious force that ever lingers at the edges of your memory, hovering around you, just waiting for your guard to drop.

Your not-body smashes everything in its path, leaving no dark gaze behind to ail you. Then another force appears, one much more powerful than the one before. You turn, just like every other night of your life, and your consciousness beholds the man before you.

He stands in a black suit with a sharp white tie. His hair is slicked back with all too much gel, and he has shiny black shoes. In his hands is a briefcase that beckons to you with an almost irresistible call.

Without a word, he sits back, and a chair forms behind him. You sit down, and a chair forms behind you as well. You lock eyes, and peer into his soul. Yes, the eyes truly ARE a window to the soul. Inside him, you can feel power. It is chaotic, and undoubtable evil, yet it is power all the same.

“Why are you so worthless? Do you not wish that you were something more than you were? Why have you been made this way?”

You stare at him silently. These questions are all valid, and you feel yourself inexplicably drawn to him. Yet you know the answers to these questions already. You don’t remember them, but you do know them.

He tries again. “You are nothing! All you do is sit around and waste seconds of your meaningless life! You will never be remembered; you will wash away with the tide of the world!”

His words are true. Your feeling of homeliness fades once more, and the power that was within you fades. You are all on your own once again.

You and the man lock eyes, engaged in a silent battle. Was it true? Could you really be nothing, here by accident, and meant not to leave a single mark on this world? No. You cannot take that. For, in this darkness, only truth can be spoken. You know this instinctively.

Yet, you really find this man to have a point. What have you done to change this world, to better it? Why has nothing worked out for you? Why were you rejected by the love of your life? Who was controlling your life like this? Why did they hate you so much?

You ask yourself these questions not just every night, but during your waking hours as well. For these are the questions that every human will inevitably ask themselves at some point in their life. For if you do not wonder, then you are not a human! But, think before you side with this man. Are you truly what you fear yourself to be?

Are you really a worthless speck of dust that will be swept away with the tide? No! You must open your eyes! This man lies with truth! Are you someone who has never done anything to better this world? Yes, you are! Now you, look into my eyes! Behold, and tell me, why have you done nothing? That is not the fault of the one who made you, but you yourself! Only you hold the keys to the world, yet you have dropped them out of fear of what might happen!

Now, pick those keys up. You are only nothing because you have not made yourself to be something amazing, what you really are. You fear to take a chance, but tell me, can you fall any lower? You are a beautiful bird, locked away in a cage. Yet, you fear to attempt to push the open door away, and fly into the world! For what if it is cruel?

Let me tell you something. The world is cruel. But, which would you rather do? Would you rather be a worthless speck of dust, or will you pick that key up, and allow your cage to shatter around you? Make your choice. For this is for you alone to decide.

Every day before this one, you have been what you have always been: What you make yourself to be. You still fear to unlock your cage, to set yourself free upon the world!

But this time, things are different. You pick that key up, and you turn it. And the man screams in rage, for his hold on you is destroyed. With a simple decision, he is dead. The false cage of lies and deceit that he spun out of truths you decided on yourself shatters around you, raining to the ground. You cry out in joy, and the world cries with you. Now, go make a difference. Go change the world, and do what you were truly made to do!

Your eyes snap open, and sunlight streams through the window. You feel strangely invigorated. Your mind briefly wonders what had happened, and you feel a strange sense of accomplishment and success. You’re not sure why, but today, you are READY. You jump out of bed, and head down the hall whistling merrily. Today, you are going to change the world. 


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532 Reviews


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Thu Jul 31, 2014 8:31 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey again!

I can definitely say I preferred this to your other short story, this might be because I love stories about dreams, but I still think that this one was better as things were just much more clear. Or in some points when they weren't, they really weren't supposed to be clear because it is a dream thing after all.

And I know why. And now, you will too.

I think the first 'and' should be gotten rid of so these two sentences flow better.

yet how at home you feel. Yet something is wrong.

Same sort of thing, get rid of one of the 'yets' because it's not really needed and so doesn't flow as well as it could.

Are you really a worthless speck of dust that will be swept away with the tide? [..] Only you hold the keys to the world, yet you have dropped them out of fear of what might happen!

I've shortened this paragraph to not waste space, but read it back. There are two many exclamation marks and question marks all at once- these should be used as little as possible for better effect.

Now I'm not really sure what to say, I guess this piece has much less action then the last one. So I think there should be more of that. Remember in dreams, all the senses of a person seem to be heightened so much more even though it's not real, I don't know about you but dreams, especially nightmares, can get me so scared! Then I wake up like 'why was I so scared', so I think you should show some heightened emotions in this piece.

Also, in comparison to the other story, I find that this once has loads of short sentences, and it makes it a bit boring and quite choppy to read. I really think you should show how the MC is feeling with some longer sentences, because that really does build up some action, and maybe combine some of your shorter sentences using connectives.

I hope this review helped! Feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on something. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x




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Wed Jul 30, 2014 11:31 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hey, ANADIR! Chips here with a review as requested.

I liked the realistic feel you had going on here in your story. It read almost like a stream of consciousness work to me, but in a story formatting.

Now onto the review:

" Haven’t you ever wondered what happens after you lay your head back on that comfy pillow, and stare up at the ceiling pointlessly for a few minutes before everything is just…gone?"

This was a bit of a long, extended question which could be cut down to get to the question more directly, while keeping the engaging description there. The question could end after the word "pillow" so it drags less. The second part of the line could then be a new sentence.

"I’ll tell you one thing: I have. And I know why. And now, you will too."

Here, instead of a colon I would have used a comma or perhaps a full-stop to keep the captivating atmosphere there.

"But something else wakes up the moment you fall into sleep."

Comma after, "up", so the reader can pause.

"Something different than you, "

This phrase read slightly awkwardly grammatically, so perhaps rephrasing it by removing the adjective of "different" and using a more interesting one. Maybe, *Something more invincible than you*?

"You notice how cold it is, yet how at home you feel. Yet something is wrong. This is your home, yet you feel like an interloper in it."

The repetition of, "yet" in these lines became redundant so maybe cutting a few off and varying sentence starters.

"The thing within you leaps forward"

I would have liked the "thing" here to be named or elaborated on.

"Your not-body smashes everything in its path,"

"not-body", doesn't really make sense. I assume it's referring to a spiritual body of some kind so maybe, *outer-body* could work also?


As an overview, just look over certain wording and phrasings making sure that they flow well with the story and communicate well to the reader in a clear and precise way. I really liked your use of description and nostalgic mood you created throughout your piece. You had really interesting concepts of thoughts and consciousness which can be interpreted in many different ways.

Short stories aren't my forte so I hope this review was of help to you! Keep writing :)

--Chippy




ANADIR says...


thanks for the review! :D



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:14 pm
rainforest wrote a review...



Hey Andy! Unknown391625 here with another review!

This is really awesome! I love how in this story it is all like, imagine you are here and what this would be like. I love those kind of stories! Your title is really exciting. And I agree that you rated it correctly. Same with the genres. Well done with that! Good job! This is really interesting and intriguing! I have to read more! And I will read more! Don't give up and always write, Andy!

-Unknown391625




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Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:34 am
JonnyShaman wrote a review...



o/

I must say, this is a very interesting spin on the idea of your consciousness (or the self-consciousness if that was your intent) being a separate being that you interact with on some level instead of it just being yourself. In addition to that, the idea of that all taking place inside your dreams is also a very interesting concept, since we only remember parts of our dreams and the rest is open for interpretation. It also gives a good glimpse into the somewhat hopeless struggle people go through on a daily basis of "I want to accomplish cold fusion and solve world hunger" but reach the struggle of not knowing how to, and so we just sit there dumbfounded.

Or I completely misinterpreted that and that makes this review kind of awkward.

All-in-all, a solid 8/10 if not better.




ANADIR says...


Thanks for the review! :)




When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind