z

Young Writers Society


Violence

Cursed: Chapter 2

by ChyrsoStemma


“Get up!” commanded a loud voice.

My eyes shot open and I sat up, hitting my head. Hands grabbed me and wrenched my hands behind my back and cuffed them together. I blinked my eyes rapidly and saw guards also getting Linnea, who was also still waking up. I was shoved forward and stumbled, but didn’t fall. I saw two more boys being led out, and another girl.

“Now, you are being taken out to see everyone. Can we trust you to unchain you?” the lead guard shouted. I heard one of the boys snort and I smiled; either way I would get out. “Well, we are testing you. Do good, and you may live. Disobey us, and, well, you won’t see anything ever again.”

I looked at Linnea and she shook her head; we couldn’t scare everyone, but now was the perfect time. I smiled and the metal started slowly sliding down my arms.

“What are you smiling at?”

“This,” I said pointed my palm at him.

A piece of metal flew at him and hit him in the head. At once it was mass chaos. I spotted the four other gifted and their chuffs hit the guards in the heads. Once they were free, they turned on the other guards. One of the guards pointed his gun at a boy and a ball of light hit him. Soon, all was quiet, and all four gifted turned to me.

“What are your powers?” I asked.

“Read minds,” Linnea said.

“Control light,” said a boy with golden eyes.

“Teleport, but I can’t do all of us,” said a girl with dark hair.

“Fire,” said the last boy with dark hair.

“Ok, I can control metal, if you haven’t noticed,” I said.

“Metal? Never heard of that before.”

“Wait, we are missing my brother,” said the boy with blonde hair and golden eyes. “He can control the weather.”

“No, there were and are only five,” Linnea objected.

“I’ve seen him do it; he made lightning hit the City Hall once.”

The girl with dark hair laughed. “That would have awesome to be able to do that.”

“What do you mean, ‘would have’? He is still alive, right?”

“He is,” Linnea said. “He is being held on the other side of the building, with another girl who is a shape-shifter.”

“How is there seven?” The boy with dark hair asked. “Last year there were-”

“Two that everyone was told about. There were actually five, but three were orphans and they bribed the owner of the orphanage not to tell.”

“That’s harsh.”

“Life is harsh,” said the boy with dark hair.

The boy glared at him, eyes blazing.

Knowing that it wouldn't be good if we fought, I said, “Why don’t we go free them and tell each other our names?”

“Who put you in charge?” the dark haired boy challenged.

Ignoring him, I said, “I’m Alice.”

“Dylan.”

“Zack,” said the boy with blonde hair and golden eyes as we started walking.

“Linnea,” Linnea said.

“Ilia,” said the dark haired girl.

I ran my hands along the wall and metal wrapped up my arm, then I went to the other arm and did the same.

“Why do you do that?” asked Dylan.

“I have to have some metal,” I explained and a chunk flew into my hand. “How do you get fire?”

Dylan held out his hand and a flame leapt from it. “From thin air.”

I stared at the metal and it became a ball, and then spun in my palm. “I have to have it with me to control it. It can’t be made out of thin air.”

“Guard,” Linnea called out from ahead of us; she was leading.

I pushed my palm out as a guard came out and the metal ball hit him in the temple, and then shot back to me.

“I have to kill when I use mine as a weapon,” Dylan said.

My ball became a sharp knife, and I clutched it. “Mine can too, I just don’t think about killing.”

“Two guards!” Linnea called and ducked.

I brought my hands back, and then pushed them forward and two chunks of metal hit the two guards running toward us.

“See? Still not dead,” Dylan said.

“Zack!” Linnea called again and moved against a wall.

Dylan and I ducked, and five balls of light hit the oncoming guards.

“We are close; only a turn away.” Linnea turned to face them. “There are almost twenty guards hidden in there, and more ready to come at the slightest call for help. Also, they knew we were coming.”

“How?” I asked.

Linnea gave her a sad look. “You’ll see.”

I stared at her as she walked away, but forced my self to follow her. Linnea stopped outside of a door and paused.

“We can’t go; they know everything we are going to do…” Linnea’s voice trailed off. “They… they have someone that knows the future; we can never win. Let’s go.”

I grabbed Linnea’s arm as she walked away. “We can’t.”

“You don’t understand, Alice, I can see what they know. If they catch us-”

“They won’t,” argued Zack. “We have to save my brother and that girl.”

I looked at Linnea. “Either way we will most likely not make it out. At least we can try to free these two gifted,” I said quietly. “Let’s take a vote. Who wants to go in there?”

Zack raised his hand right away, and then Ilia, and I. Only Dylan and Linnea stood with their arms at their sides.

“Out ruled. Let’s go, now,” Zack said.

“Are you guys coming?” I asked, one hand on the doorknob and the metal on my arms wrapping around my hands. “You don’t have too.”

Dylan raised his eyebrows. “You aren’t going to make us?”

“No,” I said slowly; confused.

“You act like you are our leader already.”

“Oh, you want to be the leader? Go on ahead; it is open. Lead us into the unknown, Dylan.”

He narrowed his dark eyes at me and I smiled.

“Why don’t you go first? That is what leaders do, right?”

“At least I can fight.”

I was so confused. Why did Dylan start acting like this all of a sudden? I stepped back. “Go on ahead.”

Dylan stood still, and then reached for the door. He opened it, and we stepped into a huge, dark room.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Thu Aug 07, 2014 1:09 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, ChyrsoStemma. Wolf here for a review.

So, I'm going to dive straight into the criticism. So, I haven't read the previous chapter, which might contribute a little bit, but with this being the second chapter, I shouldn't be as confused as I am. For the most part, I'm not really convinced with the dialogue. It doesn't seem all that realistic and it kind of feels like it's lacking emotion. For example, this line:

"“Why don’t we go free them and tell each other our names?”"

So, I have absolutely no idea where they are, but from the looks of it, I'm under the impression they are in some kind of enemy base. With that being said, if they are in such a drastic situation, why in the world would learning each other's name be on their priority list? It just doesn't seem very realistic. It could probably wait until they were in a slightly more secure area, like a safe zone or something.

Another thing on dialogue, it confused me much more than it explained this to me. First off, I think you're missing a word somewhere in the sentence, "That would have awesome to be able to do that." No matter how many times I reread that, it still confused me. Also, when they were taking about five gifted people and trying to explain what happened in an orphanage, I got extremely lost. What does an orphanage have to do with anything? Two plus three others is still five so where did the other two come from? You don't have to put all this in here now, but maybe take it out and leave it for anther time because I feel like it distracts the reader more than helps provide information.

One more thing, I recommend you balance out the dialogue in here with other action and thoughts. Since this is written in first person try to utilize the aspect of being in the narrator's head to include thoughts of the narrator. Back to the balancing, it's very important to find a perfect balance, because too much of description or action or, in this case, dialogue can get kind of boring.

Still, despite all the criticism I have, I still kind of enjoyed this. It was pretty interesting, and you have a very common topic, about powers and such, so I'm curious to see what this is all about. What sets apart this from other books about topics similar to this? I don't mean this in a mean way, but I am genuinely curious. If I sounded harsh, I'm sorry, but I'm only trying to help. Hope to see you improve more. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 373
Reviews: 13

Donate
Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:17 pm
AliceWonderland wrote a review...



Hey, I'm coming back from Wonderland for a little while to get my senses of sane reality back. Well, never mind that, I'm here for a review.

Your second paragraph seems kind of choppy. It's like you're trying to say the facts of what's happening while using an adjective here and there to cover it up. To me, it still shows through.

Let's just take these two sentences for example.

Hands grabbed me and wrenched my hands behind my back and cuffed them together. I blinked my eyes rapidly and saw guards also getting Linnea, who was also still waking up.


If you take a closer look at it, you'll see that you get the facts down in the first sentence, but the longer you read through it, the harder it is to get through the sentence. This is because of the choppy flow. The second sentence starts out much better, but after the 'and' the same theme as the first sentence begins to appear. In this way, as might others could tell you, you have a habit of telling a person what's happening, not quite showing us in a way that we can visualize it. To change this, tell us, the reader, what's happening using a wording that let's us visualize it better.

The same problem continues throughout the chapter, but reading it aloud might just fix that. If not, then you can ask me for some help. I may not be able to get back to you quickly, but I'll get back. There's very poor internet connection in Wonderland.

Speaking of that last sentence (in a abstract way), you seem to uses contractions not much at all. In some cases, I would find it useful to do that.

For example, 'Now, you're being taken out to see everyone.'

A guard probably doesn't want to talk to his 'prisoners' long, so he'd want to get through his speech quickly. In this way, he'd likely use contractions. Besides, it helps the readers sometimes getting through the sentence. Yes, there are times when it's best to not use them, but I would say that that's not the case for that sentence. Without it, I had to read over it twice. A reader doesn't want to read something over again, it loses their concentration with the story.

Another thing, you use a few commas improperly sometimes.

One time, 'You don’t understand Alice, I can see what they know.'

That's how it should be. There shouldn't be a comma before Alice.

Another time, 'Out ruled. Let’s go, now.'

There shouldn't be a comma after now. The sentence ends.

Now, about your dialogue and character actions a part of it. In most of it, the paragraphs are one lined. There's no problem with how the first paragraph is like that. Your main character just woke up, so it makes complete sense. However, to use it to such an extent for the rest, practically the eighth paragraph and beyond, it's too much.

Therefore, to take care of the problem, add a paragraph or something like it to give us a better idea what's going on. In other words, what are the characters acting like? What are their facial expressions? Is something else going on in the background? Is the scenery changing in some way? These are some examples that you could think of while all that dialogue is going on.

Okay?

As for the last line in the chapter, although it needs a bit rewording, I want to focus on the bigger picture. They stepped into a large and dark room, yes, but give us a bit more. What's it like? Is there something unusual about the room? Is there something in it or is it empty? Tell us what the room's features are like. Don't be overly wordy about it, but get it to us. Honestly though, I don't think you should have a problem with that, you seem to under word if anything.

On the other hand, I like the way that it's going. I haven't read the first chapter, but it doe have an interesting plot to it. Sure, the problems could take a while, or at least for me since I tend to about everything slowly, but it will help the story feel a lot more free and lighter. By this I mean that it will help the reader enjoy it more. It could also bring a lot more emotion to it that you're trying to point out, because the story seems mostly to have one emotion for each side.

Well, it's back to insanity and bad internet connection now. See ya!




ChyrsoStemma says...


Thanks! I will definatly go over it again and fix those problems.




The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain