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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 17 Part 1

by Noelle


Akia

Akia apologized to Falyn. She had to. After she had woken, she wasn’t in all that great of a mood. She hadn’t meant to snap at Falyn, sounding so mean and heartless. It just came out that way.

“You really don’t have to apologize,” Falyn said sheepishly. “It’s all me. I’m just frustrated right now. There’s so much that I want to know. Can we just get away from here? Start over new in Lightport? Please.”

Akia had to bite her lip to keep herself from telling Falyn everything. There was a lot of information that Falyn should’ve known at that point, but Akia couldn’t say anything; Phillip had forbid it.

Once they got everyone together, they started their journey again. Despite the confidence Akia had, there was still a flicker of doubt in her. Niro wasn’t one to just give up. After years of fighting against him, she knew that he wasn’t just going to leave her alone. He always finished a job. And that’s what scared her.

They had left Archie behind once again. This time it was for good. Falyn was the one who told them to leave him. It seemed like her final decision and Akia was more than happy to move on. The final goodbye was a lot less tearful this time since Falyn had finally accepted that Archie was not her real father.

“I’m done with this hurt,” Falyn had said. “My real father wouldn’t do this to me.”

It didn’t take long for them to reach the Sumner River. By that time Sam had fallen in step beside Akia. He kept opening his mouth as if he wanted to tell her something, but always shut it before anything came out. She knew that there were things that he wanted to talk to her about, but they’d be best discussed in private. There was enough that Falyn wanted to know already. No doubt if she caught them sharing secrets she’d only have more questions.

Just as they were about to rush out of the woods and across the river, Mina stopped them all. “There are guards everywhere! How are we gonna get through?”

Akia motioned for them to be quiet while she snuck forward a bit. Looking up and down the river, she realized that Mina was right. She could see a guard every few hundred feet. To her surprise, they were wandering around, talking amongst each. They didn’t look like soldiers guarding the river.

“Why are they just standing there,” Sam asked. “Shouldn’t they be actually be doing their job?”

“There isn’t much to do,” Falyn commented. “No mage would ever dare come close to the river. They’re all too scared that they’ll blow up or something if they try to cross the river.”

“Why even have guards then?” Sam asked. Falyn shrugged and fell silent. There had been a certain coolness hanging between Falyn and Sam ever since Akia had appeared in Agathi. She had noticed it, but she didn’t have time to deal with it. They’d figure it out eventually.

Just as Akia was about to ask for suggestions on how to get around the soldiers, each of the soldiers straightened. As she watched, they all held a walkie-talkie to their ear.

“All soldiers on high alert. Breakout possible. Code 726. All soldiers report to Sumner. I repeat: all soldiers report to Sumner.”

The message sounded broken up and crackly as it came through the speakers of the walkie-talkies. The soldiers seem to take the message very seriously. They all straightened and reached for their weapons. Akia watched as they stood at attention just feet away from the river, looking out towards the woods. She cursed under her breath.

“What are we supposed to do now?” She asked.

“Use a shield.” Zeke suggested. She turned to glare at him. “Don’t give me that look; it’s a good idea. All we have to do is wrap ourselves in a shield and cross over the river.”

“Or we could just—”

Before Akia could finish her thought, another message came over the walkie-talkies. “Abort, abort! All soldiers report to base! All soldiers to base!”

“Why does that sound so close?” Akia asked out loud.

“It’s ‘cause I have one.” Falyn responded. Akia whirled around to see her holding one in the palm of her hand. It was the same black, blue color of the ones that the soldiers were holding. “It’s Archie’s. He’s not gonna miss it. He’ll be lucky to even get free of that tree we strapped him to.”

Akia grinned. Maybe Falyn was going to be an asset after all. She wasn’t so sure when they had first met. Falyn had seemed to be just a quiet, scared girl. But she was turning out to be so much more.

Once the guards had cleared out, rushing passed the group and disappearing into the woods, Akia stepped out of the woods. Looking up and down the river again, she realized there were no soldiers left and waved on her companions.

“I can’t believe they just left like that,” Mina commented. “You’d think they’d at least leave someone to guard this place.”

“Obviously they’re idiots,” Falyn muttered. “Let’s go.” Just as she took a step forward, Zeke reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. Akia saw her stiffen.

“Wait.” Zeke crouched to the ground and found a rock. Straightening up, he chucked it toward the river. It hit the protection spell and bounced to the ground. But what was interesting wasn’t the fact that the rock didn’t make it through; Akia knew the spell would stop it. Anything from Agathi would be blocked by the spell.

What really got to her was when the rock hit it, creating a chain reaction of blue lights, high energy. The soldiers hadn’t left the river unguarded after all. They had added another layer to the spell. And it wasn’t something easily broken.

“Is that what I think it is?” Sam asked.

“Yes,” Zeke responded. “Azure pellets. They’ll keep us all in. There’s only one way out.”

Akia’s heart pounded. She was afraid that the Othir would result to using Azure pellets. They were tiny pellets of purely evil energy, used only in dire emergencies.

She knew exactly what the answer would be, but she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question anyway. “And what’s that? How do we get out?”

Zeke looked at her, a look of sorrow in his eyes. She couldn’t tell if it was genuine emotion or not, but his voice was solid as ever as he said, “Someone has to soak up the energy, make it focus on them instead of the protection spell. And chances are that person isn’t going to make it across alive.”

-------------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word Count: 1,127


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Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:20 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have right here...

Why does everything have to be a secret? Why can't Fayln learn all of this new information now and not later? Why does it have to be Who Keeps the Secret the Longest Competition? I need answers now! I wanna know Noelle! Gosh darn it! Secrets are no fun when you aren't in on it!

Now that phrase where Falyn says that her real father wouldn't do this to her really confuses me. Wasn't her father and mother the reason why she ever even met Archie? JUST SAYING! I mean her father and mother are the reason why she even exists! But whatever! Falyn can have her logic so that she can feel better about herself.

Falyn seems to have been recovering awfully quickly from all of this trauma. Last chapter, she was like OH MY GOSH??? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? and now she is being super resourceful, cool, calm and collected. In real life, she would probably be traumatized for weeks and then she might be able to do those smart things to survive.

OH NO! Someone is going to die? No! Please! Don't kill yourself! Don't do anything crazy! Please just stay alive and be good for now! I don't get the logic of the azure pellets because I don't get the logic of magic(if magic has any logic). Hm...I wonder who is going to die... I have a feeling that Mina will die because she seems so much like a minor character and all right at the moment. Also Falyn's real father or Archie will come in and be like i'm going to sacrifice my life for you because I care so much about you!

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant




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Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:13 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here

So this will be a short review because there isn't much to say. Everyone here has said so much, and there isn't much to say to begin with, and argh. This is going to be tough. Hopefully I can write a decent enough review to be worthy for a piece like this. :D

Let's jam.

Akia apologized to Falyn.


Wait. Wasn't Falyn asking her a question? Like, wasn't she out there, ramming a question into her thick skull, trying to get answers and not. getting. anywhere. That is what I remember happening. Falyn really wanted to know... something. I have a terrible memory. Sorry. And then Akia apologized, which is great (yayyyy Akia), but I think that Falyn might have said something along the lines of: "Um, thanks. But what about me question?"

“I’m done with this hurt,” Falyn had said.


*silently fist-bumps Falyn*

No doubt if she caught them sharing secrets she’d only have more questions.


Yeah, resorting to technical in this: comma after secrets

they’ll blow up or something if they try to cross the river.


river is redundant because you said it in the previous sentence, so perhaps you could just end this sentence after cross? It would work fine that way, anyways.

There had been a certain coolness hanging between Falyn and Sam ever since Akia had appeared in Agathi.


One thing I noticed here: How would Akia know this? The book is written in third person limited. So, therefore, only we can know what Akia does. She wouldn't know that Falyn and Sam acted differently to each other before she showed up because she wasn't there then. She wouldn't be there to see the difference. Perhaps another sentence tacked onto there, explaining? Perhaps Sam mentioned it to her?

“It’s ‘cause I have one.” Falyn responded.


Well, somebody is bloody brilliant. :P It's good that everyone is finally beginning to see her talents and capabilities, and that she isn't just a burden to them. ^.^

Zeke looked at her, a look of sorrow in his eyes.


ASDFLKJFSF

You had to do that to us. :/ You are a meaaaan author, and therefore a wonderful one. :P This was a beautiful cliff-hanger and plot twist to throw on the end of this piece. I think you did a wonderful job, even though it's gonna hurt if someone dies, and if someone does, I just have this feeling it's gonna be Zeke - which mean I would hate you because Zeke is cool. I think you have another trick up your sleeve, and you're gonna laugh at us as you post the chapter that fixes and explains it all to us, without killing off a character. Of course, until then, you will keep it up with the whole a character is probably going to die. Fasten your seatbelts deal. Makes me wonder if I should love you as an awesome author or hate you as a mean one. :P I will think about it, and let you know when this problem is solved. Of course, there will just be another problem after that.... How to make a perfect book: Keep your characters in trouble. xD Great job.

I dun have anything else to say besides squeaking out my few little nitpicks, gushing praise, and then heading on out to the next chapter. Keep going, and wait up for me. I won't be long before I finish up with the next part. :D

~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:59 am
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Ahh! No one can die! :( Like Deanie said, I'm glad I'm reviewing late and can find out right away. I agree with Akia about Fakyn, she's gotten so much stronger and smarter! Im mad at myself because I can't get a decent review in. I just want to keep going! This chapter is awesome, but the end is starting to make me sad! I wanna know what happens, so off I go! Talk to ya in a minute!




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 5:22 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Noelle! It's me again :3 Looks like you just can't get rid of me!

Oh my goodness what a cliffhanger that is! Maybe I'm a little glad that I'm reviewing late and can find out what happens immediately ^.^ But really, I like that you've thrown such a big obstacle in and I wonder who is going to volunteer to this. One less member of the group? For some reason I think it's going to be Mina because she is one of the minor characters, but I hope not. I really, really hope there is another way.

As for this chapter, it had a great beginning and ending. I was wondering how they were going to get passed all those guards... but then that issue was completely solved. It did seem a little bit easier for them to me, even though one of them is yet to have a sacrifice. What if the guards were there, but then they also had the double layer? One person would be lost because of the energy, and then on top of that, the others might not even make it through because of the guards... it would just add more to the suspense. I seem to doubt that they would exchange the guards for another layer. I think they'd want to be triple protected.

I wonder, how did they even know there might be an attempt at escape oncoming. It sounds like the team was being pretty discrete about sneaking around. I also feel like this something that Akia might wonder about. She might not suspect someone in the group tipped them off (I am thinking Zeke did this somehow) but she might be trying to think back on their steps and wonder when they might've given the game away.

“Why are they just standing there,”


This is a question even though it follows up with another one. They're both separate, so they both need question marks!

They all straightened and reached for their weapons.


Hmm, moments before you used the exact same word and say all the guards straightened. Although it didn't mention them reaching for their weapons, I don't think the beginning of the sentence is needed. Especially as sentences away you say that all the guards stood to attention, which is like a third repeat. But that can stay because it's saying it in a different form and is pretty needed.

disappearing into the woods, Akia stepped out of the woods.


Watch out! This is a case of close repetition and it's best to avoid that. So, maybe the end could be changed to something like: Akia stepped out from her cover, or out from the trees. Just something different.

It's getting harder and harder to review these chapters, Noelle. They're so well written and absolutely flawless when it comes to plot and characters. I love the interaction between them all and the way you're telling this. Can't wait to read the next bit!

Deanie x




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Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:06 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey!

Nice cliff hanger, jeez. Now I have to wait. :( ( it was lovely though )

There's just one thing that I noticed that is a bit bothersome. Sam and Falyn's crush thing hasn't had much action. From what I know about crushes, girl's crushes anyway, you really don't get long periods of time where you can just not think about your crush... it's like the major glitch of females, in my opinion.
Anyway, what I mean to say by this is that I don't think there's been quite enough feeling between Sam and Falyn... I know there's the whole thing about Sam being slightly hurt by the Falyn and Zeke hug thing... but I don't know.

I think that we just need a little more on the whole crush aspect- I know this isn't a romance, but it does have a romance in it, in which case we need to be updated on what's happening. :-D

Other than that, I think your story, and plot, and characters are really going great!!! Keep it up Noelle!!!




Noelle says...


asjhdkjeshdei. Falyn and Sam are getting on my nerves. I'm kinda wishing I hadn't have paired them together like that in the first place -_- But no worries, I'm adding in more of their relationship in the next few chapters. I shall make this work!



Holysocks says...


Aw, yeah... You know, it wouldn't be too hard to edit the whole thing out if it really isn't something you want.



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Tue Jul 29, 2014 2:55 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle, Wolf here for a review ;3

Smooth beginning. I really don't feel it's a really good transition, as R4 mentioned. 'Akia apologized to Falyn.' How boring is that. If I opened a book and that was the first sentence I saw I would definitely put that book down and walk away. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little give me a break I barely have critique on your chapter >.<, but I really do suggest making the first sentence a little stronger.

Yes, I do understand that you rushed to finish this (I was talking to you when you went off to write it xD), and I can see that relfecting in this chapter. It wasn't your best. To be honest, when I read the ending, I was kind of like 'Eh. So what?' I didn't really feel that emotion of the supposably intense moment.

You know what, I want Zeke or Sam to die. It had to happen. IF ZEKE DIES THEN I WON'T LOVE YOU, BUT IF HE LIVES AND DESTROYS FALYNS HEART AND TRUST I WILL HURT YOU. Then if Sam dies then Falyn will be crushed, Zeke will swoop in, AND DESTROY HER HEART ANYWAY. ;-; You are an evil, evil child.

In all seriousness now, I still liked this chapter, but this one may take a little bit if extra editing when you go back through. I didn't feel as engaged as I usually do and more lost than anything. For one thing, I don't recall Falyn picking up a walkie talkie from Archie and we just got through her perspective so, there's that. Anyways, I'm curious for the next part and hopefully it will help make up for this :3 Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




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Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:48 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for yet another review, Noelle! I simply cannot wait to see what happens in this chapter. This is a great story that you have going here! I certainly hope this helps you!

but Akia couldn’t say anything; Phillip had forbid it.
Ah now the last chapter is starting to make a little more sense to me! That explains things. But I didn't really think that the transition of the chapters was very good I mean it seemed like you could have carried the intensity with the transition but I kind of feel like it was lost.

“Obviously they’re idiots,” Falyn muttered.
I think that the should be an exclamation point instead of a comma here. But it was still funny!

Someone has to soak up the energy, make it focus on them instead of the protection spell. And chances are that person isn’t going to make it across alive.”
Well that is not going to go down well with any of them! But really Noelle! Come on! How could you leave us with such a suspenseful ending! You'd better write the next chapter in a flurry. Head over to the chatroom and do WW's as soon as you read this! If you don't I will be mad.

I really enjoyed reading this a whole lot, except for the ending. I have one question. Was Fayln the one giving the orders or not? It kind of sounded like it, but I am not quite sure. If so, she is absolutely brilliant! I have no idea how you came up with that idea, but it is awesome!

Overall as you probably already guessed this was another good chapter. I can not wait more that two or three days to read the next one! You better post it really soon or else...you better get ready for a lot of spam! :-/. So be ready.

I really wonder who is going to sacrifice them self or if anyone will. I do have one really quick question to ask you. How did Akia and all the rest get across the river in the first place? I never read about that since I picked up reading this a chapter 14.

Aside from that all I can say is great job and write like a mad girl! (How do mad girls write?) anyways you'd better write really quickly! Happy writing!!! :D




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Mon Jul 28, 2014 5:55 pm
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hi Noelly!

I think this is the right place for Falyn to start hating her dad, if you wanted that to be present in your story at all, or at least turning away from him, not earlier. But I don't really see her having a strong reason for it, except for him hiding the truth and assaulting the 'criminals' he has to arrest. But I don't find them to be strong enough though.

Why he had mocked her previous chapter I'm not quite sure.

Now, this chapter. It is actually wirtten quite clearly and I didn't see anything that looked rushed or anything. It is as good as any before.

Zeke once again proves he is really skilled/inforemed, since he knows about Azure pellets and the way how to go through them.

Also, it is strange to me that they decided to step out so soon, not checking if they are actually being baited. Obiviously Arche woke up and the police knows they had the walke-talkie, so they gave them the wrong information. Arche even said he had a bigger plan; now it might be the pellets or it might be this.

And the cliffhanger is quite good, I don't think anyone will die but turn evil or something, probably? Can I give you my guess? It's either Sam or Mina. Mina maybe becouse she is bitter for her uselessnes and her being the weaker sister? Thats my guess.

And something tells me they wont really reach Lightport in four hours.

Actually, since this is the 17th chapter, it doesn't seem to me like you will be able to have one book only? Should I get prepared for trilogy? :D

-Alchemist




Noelle says...


Yes, definitely prepare for more books :3 There's too much that this group goes through to fit into just one book.




cron
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke