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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Platypus

by animaldoctor


This is basically just my research on the platypus, which is one of my favorite animals. This also has a short story that I wrote myself.

The platypus is a mammal that belongs to the monotreme family. That means that it is a mammal that lays eggs. It lives in southern Australia and Tasmania, where it swims around in the rivers of the area to find food These creatures eat crayfish, fish, frogs, tadpoles, and other small creatures. While underwater, platypuses close their nose and eyes. Instead of using his eyes to find prey, he uses a sixth sense that we don;t have: an electroreceptor, which he uses to get a 3-dimensional perspective of the world around them. During the breeding season, the male platypuses fight with a poison spur on the ankles of his back legs. This spur has enough poison to kill a dog, and yet, he never uses it in self-defense, and only during the breeding season. When the male and female finally pair together, the female mates with the male, and then digs a 6-foot burrow to lay her 2 grape-sized eggs in. When they hatch, they have no fur, and they are blind. The mother platypus has no nipples, so when the baby taps a certain place to ask for milk, she sweats the milk out. When the first specimen to be seen was sent to England in 1798, naturalist George Shaw tried to unpick the strings from the platypus with scissors, as he thought it was sewn together. The electroreceptors weren't discovered until the 18th century, and even now, this animal is one of the weirdest.

Remember, when you think of weird animals, try to think of this spectacular creature.

                                                                        ********                                                                                                                                                      Platypus's Big Adventure

When Platypus woke up, she knew this was going to be a good day. She woke up just before her 3 young babies. Their names were Perry, Panama, and Paul. When they woke up, she told them that she was going on a hike. But what she didn’t know that this was going to be a hike that she would never forget. She was going to start her hike with a small swim across the river. Unfortunately, the river was at a record high that year, and the current was really strong. She swam just fine until she got to about the middle of the river. It was at that point that the current took her in the direction the flowing water was going: north. She tried to swim towards the shore, but she was not able to do so before she realized she was heading straight towards a waterfall. She started paddling even harder, but she could not go the opposite direction of the current. Her life started flashing before her eyes, and as she went over the waterfall, the last moment flashed… as she felt something grab her hand. She looked up, and saw a Tasmanian devil looking down at her. She then yelled for the devil not to eat her, and he replied that he was saving her, not having her for lunch. He pulled her up, and told her that his name was Taz. He also told him some of his history, and then she remembered something She had met this guy before. She met him back when she was just a teenager. She didn’t bother to mention that part, though. She talked to him a little longer before he said he had to get back home. She waved him goodbye, and decided to go back to her own den, as she had probably had enough craziness for the day. Now she just had to figure out how to get across. Luckily, she found some rocks that lead a trail back to the other side of the river. She skipped across, and started walking home. When she got home, she sat down, and Perry asked what had happened. She said that she would rather not talk about it right now, and that she needed to go to sleep. Time had apparently passed faster than she had thought, as it was already nighttime. She said goodnight to her babies and nodded off to sleep, having one of the best dreams she had ever had.

This is my first publication, and I hope this is well received. Enjoy, and see you next time.


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:19 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

This was interesting. However, as always, there's room for improvement.

First off, paragraphs. These are your basic building blocks of everything, and it tends to be one paragraph per idea. Having one giant block is fairly intimidating and makes the information a lot harder to absorb.

This goes for both your essay and your short story. In non fiction, paragraphs tend to be a lot easier to figure out because you usually have individual ideas you're presenting, and whenever you present new information, you change paragraphs.

In stories, it's a little more difficult, but just try reading and see where paragraphs happen in other books. Usually whenever something changes, like a topic or setting, you want to make a paragraph break. This includes dialogue for when a new person is speaking.

There's also general proofreading, making sure you're using the correct punctuation marks/not missing any punctuation, and general polish.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:59 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hello!

This was a very interesting read, and it taught me a lot that I didn't know about the platypus. And while you present your facts well, that's only part of what makes a non-fiction piece compelling. Just because something is non fiction doesn't mean you still can't tell an interesting story! In fact, that should be one of your primary goals. You have a good command of the English language, but right now it reads like a list of facts in paragraph form. In most scientific pieces that I've read, they've traced the life of an average member of the species, and weaved the important facts about their existence into a piece of writing that unfolds much in the way your favorite book would. Do this, and you can make this great!

The story's cute, but I'm not really sure what it does for the piece as a whole. Perhaps you can weave aspects of the this platypus and her family into the first article? It depends on which is more important for you to develop. Overall, either path would be a compelling one. Good luck, and don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions.

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:58 am
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Happy Review Day, animaldoctor!

First of all, I think you meant to put a period here.

"find food These creatures"

Again, typo. "Don;t" should be "don't".

"sense that we don;t"

As I told another person, numbers are usually written out.

"just before her 3"

Okay, this was all amazing. Again, Happy Review Day, and keep going with the publishing!




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:39 am
Lumi wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Lumi; let's jam.

In non-fiction writing, when you have a singular subject, you'll want to stick to regarding that subject as one entity. That means the instances where you slip from "The platypus" into "Platypuses" need to come back to "The platypus." This eases any confusion with subject-verb agreement that could crop up; in your case, the instance of:

While underwater, platypuses close their nose and eyes.

Read through that sentence until you can see the problems, and if you understand the issue, you should be good to go as far as fixing it goes.

You bring up some fantastically interesting points about the platypus, but you present the issue of introducing a subject of discussion early on, and returning to it near the end. For example, your introduction of the poison barbs is far separated from the scientific attempt at removal (of which you didn't give us the results!); the same goes for the concept of electroreceptors! Make sure that you keep your thoughts tied together well enough that the reader's intake of information is as easy as possible. That's your primary job as a non-fiction writer! For example, if we were in a math class, the teacher would not tell you about what a variable is, then skip over to quadratic equations, only to come back to variables later on. If you think of your writing as a conduit of you teaching another person, your approach will be well-adjusted, allowing the distribution of information to flow naturally.

As far as the short platypus story goes, I would definitely post it separately from the non-fiction section. It's cute and quaint, and doesn't really draw me in beyond "Oh, this is cute."

Let me know if you have any questions.

Lumi





A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare