z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Tales of the Argonauts: the Osorezu and the Hana (10-2)

by ulala8


Snapped from her thoughts, Kai listened in to the sound of soft arguing which echoed through the halls. The voices were familiar, but distant and unrecognizable at the same time. Kai ventured toward the whispering.

"You don't spend any time with me," the feminine voice hissed. It was a surprise that there was another girl on the boys' side this early. She hadn't possible stayed the night with a boy, had she? Kai wasn't the type to tell, but this was possible dirt for later.

"I have a lot on my plate, especially with the new Guide and the quest." This voice was barely recognizable as Shun's. It was deeper, and darker than normal and it chilled Kai to the bone.

"You spend all of your time with her," the feminine voice said, whom Kai could only assume belonged to Tara. Her voice was cracking with sleepiness in the way that voices sometimes do after a long time of silence.

"What do you mean? She's my partner! I have to—"

"Shush! There's someone here," Tara hissed through her teeth. Kai gulped and blushed in shame at being caught. She revealed herself and it felt as if a spotlight shone on her. Shun's and Tara's eyes peered into her very soul and made her feel like she had no strength.

"What are you doing up and about?" Shun asked, leaving Tara's side. "What's with the outfit?"

Kai didn't immediately answer. She looked to Tara with concern, finding that her face was slightly red, not with sleepiness but with tears.

"Are you alright Tara?" she asked, frowning and reaching for her hand.

"I'm fine! Answer him!" the other snapped, retracting from the Guide, getting out of her reach. The violet clad girl frowned and flinched. She wasn't used to being denied like that. She wanted to help her friend.

"I... I came to get you for breakfast. The Headmistress and Headmaster want to have a meeting with the Argonauts over food," she said, beginning to chew on her lip. Sighing, she continued, "Try to be there as soon as possible. It's in the dining hall, as usual." She fled, leaving the couple to their squabble.

She hurried on without direction, too eager to escape from Shun and Tara. For whatever reason, their discussion had made her heart ache. They were in distress and she couldn't help them. Each step that Kai took was a desperate search for some form of relief. However, each step only served to quell her emotions and her grief for their failing relationship. Soon, tears came to her eyes and began streaming down her face. Who had they been talking about? I hope it's just a misunderstanding and that they'll get over it.

She had been so long in thought that she found herself lost. She discovered herself in a marvelous marble studio, with gymnastic rings that hung from the ceiling and high poles that a gymnast would swing from. The majority of the room was empty. She could blow off some steam here.

Kai abandoned her slippers and took off, launching herself up to the dangling rings. Hands grasping the wooden rings and swinging with the momentum of her jump, she did a full flip. With her arms twisted, she was forced to unwind. She let go with one hand and swung aimlessly through the air. Her feet hit the floor with a heavy thud.

She took off toward for the high bar and leaped, grasping it tightly. She let off a deep breath, dangling at a full arm's length before she pulled herself over the bar. Satisfaction painted her features as her chin tapped the bar, then she went down to a full arm's length and back up. She exhaled shortly before she released one of her hands. Lip clutched between her teeth, she began to raise her body high enough to reach the bar. Her arm began to tremble and her legs and free arm curled into her body in a neat little ball.

"One..." she groaned, that beautiful expression of pure success finding its way back into her face. She went down, then returned, the tremble in her body showing the strain this took. "Two," she hissed, lowering herself and beginning to pull herself up. Before she was able to tap her chin to the bar, her arm gave out and she fell on her butt with a high pitched squeak.

Kai laid on her back for a long while, closing her eyes and trying to relax herself. A sigh left her lips. Then the door opened, interrupting her peace.

"Oi," a tired, familiar voice grumbled from the dark doorway. "Who's making all that noise?"

"Kenichi!" Kai gasped and bolted upright. "I-! You-! I forgot!" She quickly was drained off all of her colour, eyes filled with terror as she picked herself off of the ground. "We have to go to breakfast! They're probably waiting for us!"

"Who's waiting for us?" Kenichi's brows furrowed and he was hesitant to take Kai's open hand. The hand was only jutted toward him.

"Come on! We have to go!" There was no time to protest. Kai nabbed his wrist and took off, dragging him through the halls. The dim walkway was now primarily illuminated by the sun as it rose in the east. It lit the two like fire, inflaming their skins as they passed with bursts of heat.

Heaving and in disarray, they reached the doors. Gasping for breath, they burst through them. Sweat beaded their skin. Their eyes were wild, with Kenichi's filled with confusion as well.

The headmasters sat at the head of the table. The mistress had a disappointed, but understanding look, whereas the master had a look of disapproval and slight anger. Pualani sat to the right of the Yin overseer and Shun and Tara sat to the left of the Yang.

"Kai, Kenichi, what a pleasure it is that you should join us," said the master. "I do hope that we didn't intrude on your personal schedules." Kai felt a ripple of shame strike through her and she felt sick to her stomach instantly. She didn't want to taste the apples or raspberries or breads or jams or meats. She would rather starve and save herself the embarrassment. She grew pale.

"I apologize sir, ma'am." Kai bowed shortly. "Our tardy is my fault," she said, taking the heat for Kenichi. The master gave a short nod before ushering them, with his pruny hand, to the left side of the table. That was his side, the side for the Yang.

She bowed her head and quickly shuffled over to the first empty seat she could find. A plate was set before her by the headmaster's personal servant. Kai cleared her throat, frowning deeply and staring at the white china before her. The school heads had really gone out of their way to accommodate for the warriors. The plates even bore the gilded oxen of Kurin.

"Do you like the cutlery? The plates? Aren't they marvelous?" the mistress asked, a smile growing on her face. "We thought that it would be best to suit you." The master glared her into silence.

"Now, Guide," he cleared his throat, "how do you plan on finding this "bridge"?" His wrinkled brow furrowed. Kai bit on her lip and looked toward the food on the table. She hurried to her feet and began to gather some onto her plate, stretching across the table. She didn't care if she was rude. She was nervous and trying to distract herself.

The headmaster cleared his throat. Kai snapped up from her busy work. He nodded his head shortly, waiting on an answer.

"Er... What was the question?" she gulped and returned to her seat, staring at her dish. Frustration knitted across his face.

"How are you to find the child of the light?" Anger seethed in his voice. He was becoming fed up with her games. She had been late and now she was avoiding the question.

Kai licked her lips and looked about at her friends, hoping to find an answer there. Their eyes were as void as her's probably were. They didn't know how to help, nor did they hold the key. Pualani reared back and looked to the ceiling, watching the white marble. Kai opened her mouth, about to voice a question to her friend.

"Kai Hitari! Answer me now!"

"I don't know!" Kai cried out, fingers ripping into her hair. 


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1634 Reviews


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Thu Jul 31, 2014 3:35 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hello ^^ Me again!

This was a reasonable chapter. We've gotten to see that there is a bit of tension between Shun and Tara now, and we can all tell it's because of Kai. On top of that, we get to learn that Kai likes gymnastics, which I had never known before. It was interesting to see her avoiding the question and everyone's frustration at her, but it must be tough when everyone is relying on you to supply all the answers. I hope she manages to get through this all right.

but this was possible dirt for later.


I think the word you should use instead of this should really be that. Also, dirt doesn't seem like the right word but maybe gossip instead? Maybe that's just a personal preference so you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

Shun's and Tara's eyes peered into her very soul and made her feel like she had no strength.

Okay, that was weird. Why would they be looking at her like that? I would've thought they would be glaring at her, seeing as she was eavesdropping on them. I think a good hard glare would be able to drain her of her strength. But now isn't the right timing for them to be throwing searching looks in her direction.

Who had they been talking about? I hope it's just a misunderstanding and that they'll get over it.


Two things.

Firstly, how could Kai not know that they were talking about her? Shun even very clearly says, while she is listening, that because he is so focused on the Guide and something else that he doesn't have a lot of time. The Guide is a girl. The Guide is her. So I am pretty sure smart Kai would've made that simple connection?

Secondly, for a moment there you slipped into first person as well :) Make sure you just pull out that little weed there.

She had been so long in thought that she found herself lost. She discovered herself in a marvelous marble studio


You used 'herself' twice in two sentences and I found it was just a little bit too close together for my comfort. Perhaps changing the first sentence to something like 'She had been in thought so long (switched word order because it flows better) that she was now lost.' That way the sentence doesn't even require the word herself.

She was quickly drained off all her colour


*of. Typo there!

"Our tardy is my fault,"


I think 'tardy' should be 'tardiness' seeing as we're speaking in plurals here.

Other than those few things, I could really find nothing wrong with the chapter. I apologise for most of it being nitpicks and very little true story commenting, but the pacing, plot and unfolding of scenes is just going so well. You don't really need my help with that ^.^

Off to read more!

Deanie x




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:20 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



Writer here to give a review!
Happy Review Day ;)
Okay, so I haven't read any of the other chapters... that's a good thing about review days, I think, because I stumble into the green room and discover stories I want to follow. Yay!
So I'll go through nitpicks first, then praise, plot, etc.
Let's get started, shall we?

Kai listened in to the sound of soft arguing which echoed through the halls.

I think rather than, "in to" you should put "in on." It makes more sense to me

The voices were familiar, but distant and unrecognizable at the same time.
This voice was barely recognizable as Shun's.

So I saw you already used unrecognizable, and then you use recognizable. Why not spice it up a bit and utilize a different word for one of those sentences? :)

It was deeper, and darker than normal and it chilled Kai to the bone.

Misused comma! I would take it out and put it after "normal" :)

"You spend all of your time with her," the feminine voice said,

So you've already said it was a feminine voice, why not change it to something else? Like, "the woman's voice." You could go even farther and describe the feminine voice. What does it sound like? Just something like that to avoid redundancy :) I know you go and say it's sleepy, but before that you should give us some description

"I'm fine! Answer him!" the other snapped, retracting from the Guide, getting out of her reach.

Hmm, I would work on the commas here.
"I'm fine! Answer him!" the other snapped, retracting from the Guide and getting out of her reach. Maybe putting an "and" in their makes more sense.

I'm not going to go into serious nitpicks, because they're not as important as the plot itself. Your descriptions were very good! I enjoyed reading about Kai and Tara and Shun. You proved your descriptions were good, because I hadn't read any other chapters, but I already felt like I knew them and could visualize them and their actions. That's true talent :D
I have to agree with Royal about your concise description! I hope to see more of that when I continue reading *wink, wink*
Keep writing and just work on those punctuation errors :D

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:01 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!

This was a really interesting piece; even though I hadn't read the rest of the story, I could totally grasp what was going on, the personalities of the characters you describe, and (by the end of it, anyway), where the plot has been going/will go later on. Great job getting all that into a condense piece!
One thing I didn't understand (probably from the lack of context): Why is Kai so emotional after seeing Shun and Tara fighting? It's not her fight, it's not her problem, right? Either she's a very empathetic person, or there's something I'm missing. It just seemed odd that she was so perturbed by something that had nothing to do with her (supposedly).

Tiny nitpick: in the very first sentence, "which," should be "that."
Another:

She hadn't possible stayed the night with a boy, had she?

*Possibly. Just a little typo :)

I like the way you portrayed the Headmaster and Headmistress' personalities through their reactions to Kai's late entrance. It was really interesting to see!
You have a real talent for short, concise description without leaving out anything important, and for keeping the action happening. I liked the short (if a little random) calm while Kai blows off some steam; it shows a lot about her personality, as well.
I really like the story, as well; Guides trying to find the child of the light... I'm 100% positive there's more to it than that, but just that in and of itself is enough to make me want to read more!
Keep writing; you have a real talent! :D





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