z

Young Writers Society


12+

Typo Alley~B Part Two

by r4p17


"Alright I will tell you about it. There were trees stretching for miles beyond sight to the north and west, though to the east there was a large range of mountains. But to the south not more than a few miles I could see the waters of some lake or ocean stretching on for miles and miles beyond the edge of sight. After I was up on my perch for a short time I saw a large flock of bird flying toward us over the mountains. It was rather strange. While I was still watching them you two began hollering up at me to come down though!"

"Well it's nice that you waited so long to tell us about all these things isn't it?" RP asked.

"It took my breath away, so I wouldn't haven been able to tell you anything!" Racen retorted.

RP folded his arms across his chest and rolled his eyes upward toward the blue skyline.

"Hmm," Wold said thought thoughtfully before biting at an annoying flea. "Our objective is to get out of this forest somehow, right?" she asked. "It seems to me that going up into the foothills of a large mountain range wouldn't help our plight much. There are more animals to kill in a forest than the mountains; so it seems to me that we should head south toward the sea. There are bound to be some people there that would be willing to help us. We might even get passage on some ship that could take us where we need to go, wherever that is."

Racen agreed with Wold wholeheartedly. If nothing else we will be able to see the sea! But RP disagreed. He thought that they should head to the mountains.

"Who knows! There might just be a community of dwarvish miners there! They would give us the food that we need and they might even offer their protection. I say we go east!"

"But there's no certainty that there will be any miners there, much less that we can find them and be protected they might even try to kill us somehow! Besides, the mountains will be colder than going by the sea. We don't have thick clothing like Wold's fur you know!"

"Still, what kind of food would we eat?" RP asked incredulously stamping his pickaxe on the ground for emphasis. "We can't catch fish without a boat or any fishing rods, you know!"

"I am sure I could dig up a few clams," Wold said. "It shouldn't be that hard to do."

"That might work," RP said reluctantly. "But we can't live on a diet of clams for a week!"

"Why don't we put it to a vote?" Racen suggested. "That way we won't have to sit here all day arguing about it. We might as well get it over with as quickly as we possible can after all."

"That's unfair!" RP exclaimed. "You know very well that I am at a disadvantage since Wold is siding with you! That's two versus one. Why don't we flip a coin or something like that."

"Well for one thing we don't have a coin." Racen pointed out. RP bored his eyes into her.

"That would leave it up to chance whether we would go east or south." Wold said.

"I am perfectly fine with that wolf!" RP said testily. "I honestly don't care where we go as long as there is plenty of food and I am not forced into going somewhere that I don't want to go."

"Actually I do have a coin in my pocket," Racen said. "We could use it if you insist RP." She pulled out a shiny bronze coin with the image of a cherry tree on it. "Heads or tails, RP?"

"You decide," he said brushing Racen off "I honestly could care less. It doesn't matter much."

"We will have tails," Racen said setting the ring on top of her thumb the coin spiraled up into the air rising several inches above her fist before falling down to the earth with I dull thud. The cherry tree facing upwards. "Well, I guess you won RP." Racen said before stooping down and retrieving the coin from a pile of bristling dead pine needles. The dwarf smiled.

"Well let's go back to the cave and gather our supplies." He said asserting his authority.

Racen sighed. I hope I don't regret this! I should have just insisted on going south!

"Don't forget your bow, Racen," Wold said gently. Racen jerked to a halt. And looked back.

"Thank you for reminding me, Wold. I almost forgot about that! I wouldn't want to forget it and then remember that I had lost it! I would never forgive myself!" She ran back to the tree and slung it across her back.

When they were all back at the cave they split the materials between each other. RP ended up carrying the most food out of other two in the trio because he was the strongest. Thankfully he didn't make a big scene about having to carry more than his share! That is a blessing.

"You lead the way RP," Racen said. "It was your idea to come this way after all." RP agreed.

"That is fine with me. Just to let you two know, I go at a pretty fast pace and I don't wait for any of those who are lagging behind; so you'd better keep up. Now let's get goin'."

With that the three unlikely companions start trekking cross country toward the nearest trail in the direction of the Deor Mountain Range. This was identified on the map (given to them be the author) that Racen held in the folds of her clothing. Ever so often RP would call and halt and ask Racen if he could have a look at the map. These halts were the only respite that the party had. Racen and Wold learned to take advantage of these halts rather quickly.

After they had been on the road for nearly six hours RP called for another halt it was only the third halt that they had made that day. Racen and Wold collapsed on the ground almost at once. It was just a little after noon and they were already exhausted from traveling, especially as it began to warm up in the pine forest.

Whew! I am hardly even hungry for lunch right now! Racen wiped office sweat running down onto her cheeks and forehead.

"You two better hurry up and get out whatever you are going to eat or else you will have to eat on the fly," RP said. "We will stop for forty five minutes to let your food settle a little bit, but that only gives you about twenty minutes to eat you know. Hurry up." Racen sighed and rolled over onto her back. I just don't feel like getting up and eating anything just yet.

"I suppose he is right," Wold said shaking her fur. Drops of sweat went flying everywhere.

"Good grief, Wold!" Racen exclaimed. "Don't do that! People generally don't really enjoy it if they are getting another person, or animals, sweat flying in their face you know."

"Sorry," Wold said apologetically. "I didn't think about it that way." Racen's eyes softened.

"No. I suppose you wouldn't. But come. Now isn't the time to be quibbling. We should start eating, like RP said. After all we don't have much time as it is. Walking all that distance makes one grow awfully hungry you know. I am tired of course, but I am even more hungry."

"Your right," Wold said extending her body in a good stretch. "Now that you mention it I am rather hungry. In fact, I am as hungry as a Wolf!" She said, her eyes glinting like diamonds.

"Hahaha!" Racen chuckled. "That's a good one. I never thought about it that way before!"

"If you two ladies don't stop yakking and laughing then you will never be able to eat!"

"Oh, stop being a stick in the mud!" Racen exclaimed putting her hands on her hips.

"The only one who will be stuck here in the mud is you if you don't hurry up." RP retorted.

Racen looked at RP as if he were madman and shook her head back and forth. Why doesn't he just get a life? I mean seriously...it's almost as if he is intentionally being obnoxious to annoy me. I'm not quite sure why though. It's not as if I am trying to annoy him or anything like that.

Racen pulled out an average sized loaf of bread and cut off several slices. She didn't have any butter or anything to put on it, but at that point she was too tired to care. She was more tired and thirsty to care about what her food tasted like at that point. After each bite she would take a sip out of her canteen. By the time she finished eating she had consumed the entire bottle.

"Where is the nearest stream?" Racen asked RP who was now the map with his right hand as it rested on his knee and his canteen in the other hand. "I am out of water already."

"I don't know," RP said. "But the question is, where is the nearest spring with pure water. I can see dozens of springs and small rivers but it is likely that most of them are impure."

"Well don't we have something that will make them pure?" Racen asked impatiently.

"No. Not here at any rate. We will have to put up with being thirsty or risking becoming sick."

"Well why didn't you tell us that in the first place! You were the one who wanted us to come this way in the first place; so you should've taken that into consideration beforehand, RP!"

"Listen," he said defensively. "You will just have to go thirsty for a while. How far is it to the mountains from here. Two or three days journey? Well I am sure you can abide being thirsty for that long. Once we get there, there will surely be a number of good springs with pure water."

"I have no idea how long it was to the mountains, but elves have farther eyesight than you or Wold have. I would say it is at least forty to fifty miles away. It will be a long trek to go without a drop of water you know. I could live with water for a week without doing much activity..."

"Well if any of us becomes sick it will be up to them to get to the mountains alone because I am not going to risk all of our lives for the sake of one!"


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Wed Mar 25, 2015 11:43 pm
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Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya r4p17, pretzelsing here for the first review of your novel. As I said, I did read the chapters before so I do what was going on. BTW I just had to say that I really like how you are labeling your chapter with letters of the alphabet(but I am assuming that this give you the restriction of only going to Z, you know ;)?)
Let's begin,shall we?

"Alright[,] I will tell you about it. There were trees stretching[,] for miles beyond sight[,] to the north and west, though to the east there was a large range of mountains. But to the south not more than a few miles[,] I could see the waters of some lake or ocean stretching on for miles and miles beyond the edge of sight. After I was up on my perch for a short time[,] I saw a large flock of bird flying toward us over the mountains. It was rather strange. While I was still watching them[,] you two began hollering up at me to come down though!"


I noticed something in this, and I think that others have pointed some of the mistakes out here but not completely all of them. You have absolutely no commas in this whole paragraph.I personally think that commas are very useful tool for helping keep the flow of the sentence, and when you to pause mentally in the sentence. I think that you should use them,because they can be grammatically correct.I will insert all of the comma up there ^^ in parenthesis.Typically if a prepositional phrase starts a sentence, you should insert a comma before the subject.

Also I agree with Noelle, you already told us all of this in the last chapter, why do you have to repeat this again. Why should be care that much about the geography of this region? I think that this is kind of a filler. How I personally test this is by evaluating/asking one question. Could you sum up that whole paragraph into 1-2 sentences?If the answer is yes, then I think that it's a filler.

"It took my breath away, so I wouldn't haven been able to tell you anything!" Racen retorted.


I have to say that a landscape or picture or beautiful sight doesn't literally take you breath away.Think about it, when you see something beautiful, it doesn't really take your breath away, you could be speechless,shocked,amazed, but you would still be steadily breathing,right? So this isn't realistic or necessary.

RP folded his arms across his chest and rolled his eyes upward toward the blue skyline.


Here is another thing, you can't roll your eyes upwards but you can roll them around. You can tilt your head upwards and tell roll your eyes looking at the sky. How you phrased it makes it pretty unreasonable and unbelievable. Do you see what I mean r4p17?

Wold said thought thoughtfully before biting at an annoying flea.


I don't why, but the image of biting a flea seemed a tidbit odd. I mean, how does that look like? Isn't a flea like very very tiny. I think to bite you need a reasonably sized portion,right? So maybe wold swallowed,crashed,etc. the flea. I would substitute a word there.

"Who knows!


Put a question mark at the end on this sentence.

Throughout the whole dialogue, I sometimes got lost and confused as to who is saying what quotation. I know that there are only three characters(not two) here so I would suggest that you at least give some indication who is the speaker.Do you see what I mean, r4p17? If you want to check this you can go back and read it.

"Well for one thing we don't have a coin." Racen pointed out. RP bored his eyes into her.

"Actually I do have a coin in my pocket," Racen said.


Well between these two quotes, I would suggest that Racen would fumble in her pocket(hands in her pocket) and then suddenly find and realize that she has the coin.That way is wouldn't make it seem like she was lying.


"Thank you for reminding me, Wold. I almost forgot about that! I wouldn't want to forget it and then remember that I had lost it! I would never forgive myself!"


This kind of seems very rushed, like Racen was just blurting things out. I feel like maybe you should slow it down a little bit. Maybe I am thinking this way because you wrote two forgot's. Also that second phrase: "and then remember that I lost it seems weirdly phrased. Because remembering that you lost something(like this bow) isn't that big of a deal. What if you rephrased it and said: "and then remember that I forgot it." I think that <,< sounds much better.The never forgive myself part seems a bit extreme and overreactive. I would strikeout.

"Good grief, Wold!" Racen exclaimed. "Don't do that! People generally don't really enjoy it if they are getting another person, or animals, sweat flying in their face you know."


Wait a second, isn't Racen an elf, not a person?Also it's person's or animal's sweat, because that is a possessive noun right now.

"Oh, stop being a stick in the mud!" Racen exclaimed putting her hands on her hips.


"The only one who will be stuck here in the mud is you if you don't hurry up." RP retorted.


I think that here you completely changed the meaning of this. The first one is just an expression/oxymoron and then the second one was used as a literal meaning. Do you see what I mean rp? You should use it as totally literal or not literal.

By the time she finished eating she had consumed the entire bottle.


Wait a second, I thought that this was a canteen not a bottle!I picture a bottle that is plastic so I would probably choose another word for that,just because this threw me off.

"Well if any of us becomes sick it will be up to them to get to the mountains alone because I am not going to risk all of our lives for the sake of one!"
[/quote][/quote]

RP is such a toughie, doesn't he even care about his friends lives?

Now to finish up,overall I really enjoy the idea behind this story,there are just a lot of inconsistencies. You have to try to thing logically,rp so that everything makes sense ;) The characters are so unique, but I am wondering, during this whole time, do they know where they are going? I mean, did the Author tell them specifically and give them directions or are they just wandering endlessly? If the latter(second one) then why did they go unprepared?that might be a potential plot hole

Anyways, that's it from me. I hope that this review truly helps you improve your writing, and if you have any questions feel free to ask.
KEEP ON WRITING!

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:59 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

"Alright I will tell you about it. There were trees stretching for miles beyond sight to the north and west, though to the east there was a large range of mountains. But to the south not more than a few miles I could see the waters of some lake or ocean stretching on for miles and miles beyond the edge of sight. After I was up on my perch for a short time I saw a large flock of bird flying toward us over the mountains. It was rather strange. While I was still watching them you two began hollering up at me to come down though!"

So, I know that Wold and RP asked her about what she saw when she was up there, but the story is just repetitive. Your readers already know this because Racen told us. So to have her repeat it all seems almost pointless. Instead, you could just say that she told them what she had seen. That'll work just as well.

Oh dear, RP has a bit of a temper, doesn't he? It's a bit of a surprise that he's being very stubborn and snapping at Racen. He didn't seem like that kind of character in the beginning. Then again, he hasn't gotten much sleep and is a bit grumpy. I guess I should take that into account. It's always interesting how characters can do things out of character and it still makes sense. I can totally see RP getting annoyed every so often, so it works well.

"Our objective is to get out of this forest somehow, right?"

Did I miss this part? I don't remember the author telling them what they have to do specifically. Although sometimes I read so fast that I miss things. This is probably one of those situations. On the other hand, if you didn't explain it, it would be a good thing to explain, for obvious reasons.

"I am perfectly fine with that wolf!"

*Wold ;)

Oh the tension. You're doing a really good job with these three characters. I have to admit, I was a little worried that you'd just throw the three of them together and they'd all automatically become friends. That's not how it's turned out to be though. Racen and Wold seem to have hit it off and RP feels outnumbered. Now all three of them are arguing about which way to go. It's very realistic and I can totally see people arguing like this when they're trying to find the right way to go. People are always going to disagree about something and it only makes sense for the three of them to be arguing about this.

"You decide," he said brushing Racen off "I honestly could care less. It doesn't matter much."

Well that was a quick change of heart :3 Up until this point, it seemed like RP was pretty dead set on going toward the mountains. He fought against going toward the sea and gave them all good reasons to go the other way. Now he just wants someone to pick and way so they can be on their way. Seems a bit inconsistent to me. It would work a lot better if you slowly eased into him making this decision to not care. It's sort of just thrown in there as it is.

"Well let's go back to the cave and gather our supplies." He said asserting his authority.

Wait, they're not in the cave anymore? Story World isn't in the cave? I'm so confused. I should probably start reading more carefully...

I totally see Racen and Wold's friendship growing. They are both rather like each other, I think, and they're getting along so well. Once they become good friends it'll be easier for them to get closer with RP. And now with RP leading things and going so fast, they have a companion to complain to. One quick thing about that though: wouldn't Wold be able to keep up well because she's a wolf? Wolves are rather fast and are used to being on their feet -- paws -- all day. It seems a bit out of place that she's so winded by this traveling.

Sheesh, RP, take a chill pill! xD

You seem to have found your writing style. It's been quite consistent in the last few chapters. Sometimes it's hard to really figure out the way that you're going to write a story. Here you've balanced Racen's thoughts and the narration and the dialogue very well. The first chapter was a bit choppy, but you've improved since then.

Overall, this is a good chapter. Like I've been saying, you're doing a good job with your characters and giving us a good idea of who they are. Now they're off on this big adventure, which is going well if I do say so myself, as in how you're writing it and all that. This would be a good time to take advantage and really describe this world to us. How is it different than the world that Racen woke up in? Does she feel at home in this world or is it something foreign to her? You've got a good start with that and I hope to see more in the next chapters.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Sep 06, 2014 7:42 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi there!

Me again, as usual. I am surprised this chapter doesn't have as many reviews as the previous one D: Well, I think it's about time I changed that a little bit!

As we read every chapter, I begin to notice how much I like Wold as a character. She's so sweet and kind, and also gentle and considerate. Racen has her moments due to her attitude, and RP is a very strong, imposing character. But Wold is by far my favourite. I alos like how on this adventure we're beginning to see some differences between all the characters and that they are having disagreements already. I wouldn't expect anything less from a journey such as this. I can only hope that they will get there safely after all.

After I was up on my perch for a short time I saw a large flock of bird flying toward us over the mountains. It was rather strange.


Is that actually anything strange? Usually birds do fly in flocks, and they do choose one direction to generally follow. So unless they were making funny shapes in the sky or weird, strange noises I wouldn't necessarily think there was anything strange about it. Only that there are a flock of birds (note you need an 's' at the end of bird so it's a plural) are flying and it's a beautiful view :) Maybe make something new of different about the flock?

"Well it's nice that you waited so long to tell us about all these things isn't it?"


You need a comma after both the word 'well' and also 'things'.

But there's no certainty that there will be any miners there


But wasn't there also no certainty that there would be people at the coast? Racen never mentioned seeing a port or seeing ships or anything of the sort when she had such a clear view of everything. I can understand why, because if there were guaranteed people at the sea then it would only make sense to be there. But I feel like RP would've thought of arguing his case by mentioning there might not even be people there either. And why are they so sure there will be people there anyway?

"I am perfectly fine with that wolf!"


Comma needed after the word 'that'. Without it, the sentence takes on a different meaning. :D

"I honestly don't care where we go as long as there is plenty of food and I am not forced into going somewhere that I don't want to go."


Well, if RP just said he changed his mind and doesn't care, why don't Wold and Racen just say 'okay, let's go to the sea then!' I can understand that they might still want to play fair and square and see where they're going to go but it might be even better if there was something like Racen knowing RP had only changed his mind out of grumpiness and that he did actually care where they went. And therefore flipped the coin just so that it can't bother him if he has to go their way in the end.

"Well for one thing we don't have a coin."

"Well let's go back to the cave and gather our supplies."

"Well don't we have something that will make them pure?"

"Well why didn't you tell us that in the first place

Well I am sure you can abide being thirsty for that long.

"Well if any of us becomes sick it will be up to them to get to the mountains alone


All those 'well's need a comma after them. When you have a phrase which is said simply to be an opener and isn't exactly part of the sentence, it's going to need a comma after it. Things like 'well', 'ah' 'isn't it' and so on. Also, pulling these out made me mindful about how many of your dialogues begin with well! Maybe change that up a bit by cutting a lot of them out. The 'well' bit isn't even that necessary for the sentence. Or have different phrases for opening sentences.

I just don't feel like getting up and eating anything just yet.


I am assuming you meant for this sentence to be in speech marks? Otherwise it seems a bit strange to suddenly change to first person tense.

Oh! And also, why aren't they hungry? They have been sweating and walking, constantly doing exercise and using up all that energy. Usually, after a whole lot of extreme work you're hungry, so I would've thought they would've been as well.

I also wonder why Racen didn't think of rationing her water. I mean, they are on an adventure where all their surroundings are unfamiliar. She should've known it might be a while before they got anything fresh when it comes to drinks. I also would've thought as I was drinking, hm, maybe I should ask about this before I drink it all up. It seems like common sense to me, but maybe the thought never crosses her mind? Perhaps you could make Racen see the numerous springs from up in her tree, so she doesn't think about whether they are clean or not. And then she just assumes she can have water whenever she wants?

Also, even if they went to the sea, there wouldn't have been much fresh water there either. It would all just be salty, and I doubt you would find any springs by the sea itself. So it seems a bit strange that Racen argues for her case by saying RP should've thought about water when it came to the trip. She and Wold weren't thinking about water in a sensible way either when it came to traveling to the sea. In fact, RP's decision makes the most sense.

One thing that would also be nice to see a bit more of is setting. They're walking all this way in a foreign area, but we're not getting to see anything ourselves :( I want to hear all about the terrain, scenery, animals and creatures they pass. I would be gasping at everything, gawking at anything remotely different and trying to make sense of where I was going all the time. Maybe Racen isn't a scenery admirer like I am, but it would be nice to see a bit of description somewhere in there.

Right, I better keep reading so that I can finally catch up with all these chapters! I want to know what they might find in those mountains! Have they made the right decision in paths to take? I guess only reading will let me know :D

Deanie x




r4p17 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:18 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello r4p17!

Like where the story is going... And RP seems like your average dwarf. I'll bet that they're just going to the mountains because they remind RP of home. I did find some typos though...


"large flock of bird flying toward us" I'm pretty sure "bird" should be "birds"
"Racen wiped office sweat" Off sweat?
"with water for a week without doing much activity..." Without water?

All in all, great job! Can't wait until you publish more.

~Kelpies.




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:41 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello again, R4P, Wolf here for a review.

Alright, I just have one nitpick and it's really small:

I honestly could care less.

This is in RP's dialogue and it made me cringe. Saying, "I could care less." means that the person actually does care, at least a little bit. 'Could' should be 'couldn't'. My advice about proofreading still stands here, so please at least reread it. Even nitpicking reviewers can't catch everything.

Whoa, it's getting intense! Alright, so I'm not really feeling RP's character. In the beginning her was a sweet, kind of innocent boyish figure. Now suddenly he's all tough and obnoxious. I don't think one could change so much, but that's not the thing that really bothers me, since people change under certain situations. The thing that bothers me is that Racen doesn't really seem to notice. Sure she points out he's being annoying, but she doesn't notice the change.

Aside from that, we are starting to learn a lot more about these characters. I have a feeling that RP is kind of seeing himself as the leader of the group, and I find that interesting. Racen seems to be the asset, and Wold the comic relief. However, I'm quite confused. How do their typos all tie into this? Sure they ended up in typo alley, but what does trekking through a valley have to do with them being typos? Maybe expand on that a little bit more.

Overall, this is becoming really nice and I like the plot that is forming. You still leave us wondering what Kataya is doing (I know you told me why, but the reader from this information has no idea.) Maybe you can use that as another point of the plot. That Kataya has a special task to do? Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
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r4p17 says...


Thanks again for the review. The nitpick that you pointed out was actually intentional, just FYI. RP just wants a fair way of deciding where they go. Though I will still proofread it.

I will try to include the change of personality in Racen's thoughts. I should
Also include her thoughts about Katya not being there as well. To be honest I wasn't really thinking about it. But I will have Katya come back later on.

I am glad you like the plot that is forming. I guess the typo thing was more for the beginning and set up of the story. I am not quite sure if it will be a major factor or not. It probably won't be



Wolfare1 says...


If it's not major, why is the entire thing named after it? Maybe change the title later on xD



r4p17 says...


Hmm...good point. I will have to thing about that. Anyways. For now it is just review, review, reviewwwww!




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