Heya r4p17, pretzelsing here for the first review of your novel. As I said, I did read the chapters before so I do what was going on. BTW I just had to say that I really like how you are labeling your chapter with letters of the alphabet(but I am assuming that this give you the restriction of only going to Z, you know ?)
Let's begin,shall we?
"Alright[,] I will tell you about it. There were trees stretching[,] for miles beyond sight[,] to the north and west, though to the east there was a large range of mountains. But to the south not more than a few miles[,] I could see the waters of some lake or ocean stretching on for miles and miles beyond the edge of sight. After I was up on my perch for a short time[,] I saw a large flock of bird flying toward us over the mountains. It was rather strange. While I was still watching them[,] you two began hollering up at me to come down though!"
I noticed something in this, and I think that others have pointed some of the mistakes out here but not completely all of them. You have absolutely no commas in this whole paragraph.I personally think that commas are very useful tool for helping keep the flow of the sentence, and when you to pause mentally in the sentence. I think that you should use them,because they can be grammatically correct.I will insert all of the comma up there ^^ in parenthesis.Typically if a prepositional phrase starts a sentence, you should insert a comma before the subject.
Also I agree with Noelle, you already told us all of this in the last chapter, why do you have to repeat this again. Why should be care that much about the geography of this region? I think that this is kind of a filler. How I personally test this is by evaluating/asking one question. Could you sum up that whole paragraph into 1-2 sentences?If the answer is yes, then I think that it's a filler.
"It took my breath away, so I wouldn't haven been able to tell you anything!" Racen retorted.
I have to say that a landscape or picture or beautiful sight doesn't literally take you breath away.Think about it, when you see something beautiful, it doesn't really take your breath away, you could be speechless,shocked,amazed, but you would still be steadily breathing,right? So this isn't realistic or necessary.
RP folded his arms across his chest and rolled his eyes upward toward the blue skyline.
Here is another thing, you can't roll your eyes upwards but you can roll them around. You can tilt your head upwards and tell roll your eyes looking at the sky. How you phrased it makes it pretty unreasonable and unbelievable. Do you see what I mean r4p17?
Wold said thought thoughtfully before biting at an annoying flea.
I don't why, but the image of biting a flea seemed a tidbit odd. I mean, how does that look like? Isn't a flea like very very tiny. I think to bite you need a reasonably sized portion,right? So maybe wold swallowed,crashed,etc. the flea. I would substitute a word there.
"Who knows!
Put a question mark at the end on this sentence.
Throughout the whole dialogue, I sometimes got lost and confused as to who is saying what quotation. I know that there are only three characters(
"Well for one thing we don't have a coin." Racen pointed out. RP bored his eyes into her.
"Actually I do have a coin in my pocket," Racen said.
Well between these two quotes, I would suggest that Racen would fumble in her pocket(hands in her pocket) and then suddenly find and realize that she has the coin.That way is wouldn't make it seem like she was lying.
"Thank you for reminding me, Wold. I almost forgot about that! I wouldn't want to forget it and then remember that I had lost it!I would never forgive myself!"
This kind of seems very rushed, like Racen was just blurting things out. I feel like maybe you should slow it down a little bit. Maybe I am thinking this way because you wrote two forgot's. Also that second phrase: "and then remember that I lost it seems weirdly phrased. Because remembering that you lost something(like this bow) isn't that big of a deal. What if you rephrased it and said: "and then remember that I forgot it." I think that <,< sounds much better.The never forgive myself part seems a bit extreme and overreactive. I would strikeout.
"Good grief, Wold!" Racen exclaimed. "Don't do that! People generally don't really enjoy it if they are getting another person, or animals, sweat flying in their face you know."
Wait a second, isn't Racen an elf, not a person?Also it's person's or animal's sweat, because that is a possessive noun right now.
"Oh, stop being a stick in the mud!" Racen exclaimed putting her hands on her hips.
"The only one who will be stuck here in the mud is you if you don't hurry up." RP retorted.
I think that here you completely changed the meaning of this. The first one is just an expression/oxymoron and then the second one was used as a literal meaning. Do you see what I mean rp? You should use it as totally literal or not literal.
By the time she finished eating she had consumed the entire bottle.
Wait a second, I thought that this was a canteen not a bottle!I picture a bottle that is plastic so I would probably choose another word for that,just because this threw me off.
[/quote][/quote]"Well if any of us becomes sick it will be up to them to get to the mountains alone because I am not going to risk all of our lives for the sake of one!"
RP is such a toughie, doesn't he even care about his friends lives?
Now to finish up,overall I really enjoy the idea behind this story,there are just a lot of inconsistencies. You have to try to thing logically,rp so that everything makes sense The characters are so unique, but I am wondering, during this whole time, do they know where they are going? I mean, did the Author tell them specifically and give them directions or are they just wandering endlessly? If the latter(second one) then why did they go unprepared?
Anyways, that's it from me. I hope that this review truly helps you improve your writing, and if you have any questions feel free to ask.
KEEP ON WRITING!
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
Donate