Young Writers Society

Hey Kayta~
What a cute essay. I think it has a lot of potential

My main issue is you kind of point out in your first paragraph that everyone can be a hero, but then two out of three of your examples aren't normal people at all. I think you should perhaps look for examples in your own life and in your classmate's lives first to tell as anecdotes. It would be much easier to believe you when you say "You see people in your everyday life acting like heroes" if you actually gave us everyday examples.

My second issue is that you oversimplify the reasons and virtues behind heroism. A coward can be a hero. They can give an anonymous donation. That way they support a cause and give it money to continue without marring their own name. Greedy people can be heroes. Greed in the real world is never like the Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. People who are greedy normally have a few people who they're close to and would do anything for. If not, there are ways to be greedy and be a hero. There are ways to be a hero and to make a profit. I think you need to avoid the grand statements like:

A hero has to be charitable or they wouldn’t want to save others.

If you don’t understand someone else’s situation, then you aren’t able to help them.

This quality is necessary if you want to be a true hero.

Hello again, darling!

First of all, I think you have a decent hook on this essay - typically, a question is a safe way to go when starting an essay, as it forces the reader to think and contemplate their own world. You let the reader have their own moment before you define what heroism means to you, and you allow them to form an opinion before stating yours, which is usually a good thing, unless you're some kind of cult leader.

However, I find myself wondering at your essay when it goes into the first body paragraph. You pick one subject and focus on it for the entirety of the paragraph, barely pausing at the end to tie your Gandhi anecdote into the main body of the essay; if it weren't for the last two sentences, honestly, it would look like you just started talking about Gandhi for the hell of it. Another thing to keep in mind is that no one is perfect, and it's very hard to take your references seriously when I also know that Gandhi was extremely racist; he was indeed brave, and he made a large step in progressing India past the caste system, but that by no means makes him a perfect person, nor truly hero material.

Also, I believe that there's a logic gap in your second body paragraph when you state that if someone is greedy, they wouldn't want to risk their life to save others. Greedy people will risk their life, if there's a promise of a grand reward at the end, and that's something that many of them use to excuse their greedy actions - "but I did something good once!"

I do agree with the majority of your essay here, however, especially considering the heart and soul of true heroism as a discussion topic. I believe that with a bit of polishing, this could be much better and rounded.

Hello, I'm here to do a review(duh xD).

I like the theme you picked, it is quite mature, yet it might be overlooked. It's just an everyday thing, this heroism you speak about, and it's absolutely beautiful.

So yeah the first source is awesome, wide-known. Ghandi sure was a hero, and he accomplished something great. Maybe some of the things you said were somewhat childish there (like Ghandi getting a criminal record- I mean, who on earth would have been thinking about it at all? ) they weren't neccesairly bad. Even that, since it's from a perspective of a young human being, is what makes it beautiful. Your example of courage is great.

Well, I kinda felt you didn't work with being charitable too much. I mean, I think it's more important than being courageous. Sharing, loving and helping is beautiful. If you have it, then sure you would have had courage to stand up for those you protect, right? But it's okay.

The third example was weird, I mean I've got no idea what were you actually talking about, but It was a cool example nevertheless. I liked it, and it just felt somehow sad, reading it there. Understanding others. Wonder if I have that? I believe every human is thinking about it, right?

Nice essay, I mean, It could use much, much more work, but for an eight grader, it is really cool, and since I doubt you will work on this anymore, I think it was rather nice. You were writing about a big, important thing, and did it fine for a school project!

-Alchemist

Hello, Kataya, Wolf here for a fabulous review

So, scrolling through the forest of the Green Room, I found this magical piece and decided, eh, why not? On to the reviewing! *for Team Aqua!!*

One thing that really bugs me in the beginning, is your use of 'it' in the second sentence. So what, people don't have genders now? Can't you just say 'they'? Usually 'it' is used in cases of things that have no gender. If you have to, use gender neutral pronouns like xer or s/he.

Okay, so I can understand the formatting of essays that we have to make in school, with the thesis sentence at the end of the introduction and stating your first reason at the beginning of the body paragraph and bla, bla, bla. Try avoid being so repetitive and you can even try rephrasing it so that it still follows the format.

Alright, in the second body paragraph you mention that "being charitable is one of the most important aspects of heroism", but you don't explain why. Sure you give us an example of someone being charitable, and why uncharitable people can't be heros, but you don't tell why it is important. Try expanding on that more.

I really like your call to action in the end. I know that that is something that a lot of people struggle to put in, but you do it really well. However, you loose the formatting of the actual paper then (tsk, tsk), but that's alright. I still find it very factual and you didn't loose sight of your purpose. Good Job! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare