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Young Writers Society



Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 18

by Aravis10


XVIII

Asenath pushed through the crowd with the baby in a sling on her arm. “Excuse me. May I come through? Thank you, excuse me.”

People turned and made way for her. “Congratulations!” “You have truly been blessed.”

“Yes, thank you. Excuse me.” She was tired of congrats and advice.

Just move so I can get to Joseph!

But, one elderly lady could not hear her thoughts for she approached.

No! I don’t want to talk.

She tried to pretend that she hadn’t noticed the woman and walked quickly away. But, the woman caught up.

“Excuse me, but may I hold him?”

No.

“Of course.”

The woman greedily took him into her arms. “What a blessing of Hathor! And he is so healthy and strong! You know, when I was your age…”

I don’t care. I don’t care about when you had a son or about when your cousin’s child died or anything like that. I just want to talk to my husband!

As if on cue, Joseph appeared behind her. The lady noticed him, stopped talking, and bowed. “My worshipful lord.”

Joseph nodded. “I trust that you are giving my wife good advice.”

She blushed. “Yes, yes, the best.”

“Well, thank you. May I hold my son?”

“Yes, my lord.” She humbly offered him the boy.

Asenath gave him a pleading look. He caught her glance and understood. “Excuse us,” he said to the woman.

Together, they walked off to a quiet place away from all the feasting people.

“I thought this was supposed to be a small party. What happened?”

“When you invite the Pharaoh, a small party becomes a large party.”

Asenath groaned. “I am tired of all these guests.”

“I’m sorry. Stick with me. We will try to avoid prying old women. We should get back to the main table. I am to give an address.” He rolled his eyes.

“Fun,” she added sarcastically.

He kissed the baby, handed him back to her, and took her free arm. He led her to the table raised on a platform above the rest. At it sat the Pharaoh and his wife, acting as Joseph’s parents, and Asenath’s parents. She had been trying to forget that they were there. It wasn’t working. As they approached the table, Asenath’s mother Quibilah (who had come back into the good graces of Potipherah since Asenath’s marriage and Seshafi’s unexpected death) met them.

“Darling!” she cried as she wrapped her arms around Asenath.

Asenath awkwardly returned the hug. “Mother.”

“It feels like you live in a different country. I never see you! But you are such a beautiful woman.”

Hypocrite.

“Yes, I am very busy.”

“Well, that will have to change. I will have to come see my grandson. May I hold him?” Quibilah held out her bony fingers.

No. I don’t want you to even touch him.

Her mother scared her. Her wig was much too big for her head. Though she wore makeup, there was no hiding her sunken cheeks and covetous eyes. Her whole body seemed to creak when she moved.

Asenath gave Joseph panicked look. He instantly seemed to read her mind.

“Mother,” he said respectfully. Then, he kissed her bony hand. “There will be another time to hold your grandson. But, right now, I need Asenath and him at my side as I address my guests.”

Quibilah slightly lowered her head. “You are a wise man, Zaphenath-paneah. I crave to hear your words.”

“Thank you, mother.”

I can he be so kind to her. She doesn’t deserve honor.

Joseph took her arm once more and stood behind the table. He raised his arms for silence. The crowd gradually stopped to listen. Asenath looked at their faces. Most looked drunk. But some seemed to long for her husband’s words.

He is a loved man.

“Family, friends, and fellow countrymen, this is truly a glorious day for my wife and me. We have born a son!”

The guests began to cheer. Of course, they already knew about the child, but it was customary to repeat it.

“Thank you so much for coming. It is truly our honor…”

“I’m sorry to interrupt such a cordial speech, but I have an important toast to give,” Potipherah suddenly interjected.

Oh no.

At first, all gave him quizzical looks, but Joseph nodded and sat down.

Here it comes.

Potipherah looked slightly intoxicated. He began his speech in slurred tones. “I have known Asenath since she was a baby.”

Asenath stifled a laugh. What a fool!

She saw that Joseph also seemed to be struggling to keep a straight face.

“I prayed to Ra that he would send Asenath a husband like Zaphenath-paneah.”

Liar.

“And he did. Then he sent a son. So, a toast to their son!” He raised his glass. Everyone followed his lead. “To…to… I believe his parents neglected to give him a name. Well, that is a problem. How can I give a toast to a son that doesn’t have a name to toast?”

The Pharaoh laughed. So, likewise, the whole room erupted in laughter. Asenath looked at Joseph. He was awkwardly laughing as well.

Potipherah broke into a wide smile. “I know how to fix that. Tomorrow, at the second hour of the sun, we will have him named at the temple of Ra in On. A good name will be Rahotep, which means ‘Ra is pleased.’ I will dedicate him to the service of Ra.”

What is he doing? My son will not be a priest!

She turned to Joseph. He sat as still as stone. Potipherah began to raise his glass to restate his toast. Though everyone else raised their glasses, Joseph still didn’t move.

What about his God? He doesn’t have the courage to stand up for Him now.

“A toast to…”

“Stop!”

Asenath searched the room for the interruption.

Amnon! No one was supposed to know that he was there!

Potipherah’s face blanched, and he dropped his goblet. It clattered to the ground, and wine splattered everywhere. The noise awakened Joseph. He stood.

“Yes, stop.”

Potipherah was immediately sobered. He pointed a shaking finger at Amnon. “You…you…you left the country. You were supposed to be gone! Guards, guards!”

“No,” Joseph commanded. “He has come under the protection of our house. He bravely stopped you from dragging my son into his fte. My son will not be dedicated to the service of a ball of fire nor named after an idol. My family serves the one true God, Elohim.”

Amnon stepped onto the platform. “I also believe in Elohim.”

Asenath was in shock.

What is he doing? He is going to lose his position as vizier because of his God! But… he is trying to save our son.

The guests were shocked as well.

The Pharaoh rose diplomatically. “Do not worry, Potipherah. Everyone has their own favorite god. Zaphenath-paneah’s is Elohim.”

But Potipherah was angry. He would not be silenced. “Heresy! Heresy! Words from the mouths of vipers!” He pointed his finger at the baby. “I curse you! Because of this blasphemy, the child will die and you will never have another child. Ra curses you! You are dead! Dead to me!”

Doubts barraged Asenath’s mind. What if Ra is real? My child will die!

Hot tears ran down her cheeks. Joseph came to her side. “Get out,” he seethed. “And never come back.”

Potipherah scurried out with Quibilah following close behind. The Pharaoh and his wife were grim. Silence stifled the room.

Finally, Pharaoh stood up. “Friends, the party is over. I wish you safe travels home.”

Asenath heard him whisper to Joseph, “That was imprudent. But, if what you say is true, your God will protect you.”

Amnon led Asenath out of the hall. “Don’t worry, my sister. Ra is fake, and your son will be fine.”

#*#*#*#*#

A whole day passed, and the baby was fine. Asenath’s fears began to dissolve.

It was a bluff. There is no Ra.

The next day, Asenath was awakened by a muted cry.

He always wants to feed when I want to sleep.

She got up quickly and slipped on an outer mantle.

Half asleep, Joseph mumbled, “Do you want help?”

“No,” she whispered. “I’ll be fine. Just go back to sleep.” She tiptoed to the room next to hers. Though it was small, it was tastefully furnished with an ivory crib, cushioned benches, and a few large chests. She lighted and candle and went to the side of the cradle. When she peered in, she screamed.

No!

Joseph rushed in, rubbing his eyes. He yelled above Asenath’s screams and the baby’s cries, “What is wrong!?”

“The baby! Look at the baby!”

Joseph glanced at the baby and paled. The baby’s face was a pale shade of blue, and his eyes were rolled back in his head. “My son! Elohim, no!”

“Stop! Don’t call out to that God! Don’t you see? Ra is punishing us. It is as my father foretold. He will die.”

“No. I will get a doctor.” Joseph ran out of the room.

Asenath sat silent in the darkness. She felt numb. The weak cries of her dying son did not even reach her ears. She had retreated to inside herself.

What a fool I have been. Reality can reach even a fool. I thought that I could live happily ever after, that Ra was fake. Turns out he accepted the challenge and is taking out his revenge. Cruel, evil. I will never serve such a god. Nor this Elohim. My fate and my son’s fate are sealed. We will die together. But what of Joseph? My sweet, strong Joseph. Can I live for him?

Not knowing what to do, Asenath took her son into her arms. He was ice cold. As she rocked him close to her body, she could feel him struggle to take each breath. In faltering tones, she sang his funeral song.

#*#*#*#

Asenath sat in the fetal position cradled by Joseph’s strong arms. She rocked back and forth, breathing deeply. Joseph murmured under his breath prayers to Elohim.

They both looked up as a heavy set man in a crimson robe emerged from the baby’s room. He was grave.

“What is wrong with him, Doctor?” Joseph asked.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot help him.”

“What do you mean?” Asenath cried in rage. “You are a doctor! You HAVE to do something! Save my son!”

“My lady, I cannot. I have never seen anything like his disease. He has obviously been stricken by the gods.”

Asenath screamed and covered her face in her hands.

“What should we do?” Joseph questioned.

“I really don’t know. Petition the gods for favor. And, give him some of this,” the doctor said, holding out a bottle of yellow liquid. “It could help.”

Joseph took the bottle and examined it. “What is it?”

“Snake venom mixed with the bones of a baby pig.”

Joseph’s face went as hard as stone. “Good-bye, doctor.”

The doctor bowed and walked out. Once he was gone, Joseph poured the liquid into a chamber pot.

Asenath grabbed him desperately. “What are you doing? That was our only hope for our son’s survival! You want him to die!”

Joseph wrapped his arms around her. “No, dearest. I want him to live. I would even give my life for him. But snake venom will only hurt him.”

Asenath glanced wildly around. “Then…then we must pray to Ra, or something! My baby!”

Joseph bristled. “I will not pray to a statue. But I will pray to the Living God Elohim.”

“Your God has made you a slave. He is going to kill our son. Curse Him and we will die together.”

“He is my hope. I will run to Him whatever happens. Amnon and I are going to fast and pray. You can join us.”

“No. I will stay with my son to the end.”

“As you wish. Remember, I love you with all my heart.”

Asenath turned her back to him. “Go.”


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Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:39 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy heeere

This will be a quick review because the other reviewers have already taken so much, and helped you so much - I'm left with just some odd comments.

This chapter didn't seem to dwell on her thoughts or anything to do with her - such as her character building - but more so focused on the baby and the welfare of him. There was definitely quite a bit of tension in this chapter, especially when her father began talking about the baby and how it was offered to Ra and O_o That was quite the part there, with Amnon abandoning his secrecy (although since it had been so long, and Asenath hadn't even recognized him at first, it did seem odd that he recognized him so fast). Perhaps it was rash of Joseph and Amnon to rush up to bring it all to a halt, but it shows their character and what they're willing to do for Elohim. It also seemed somewhat odd for the grandparent (sorta, I guess) to be offering the baby to Ra and naming it and all that. Just a bit. I know all those old cultures stuck to their customs, so perhaps it's the custom of the grandfather to announce the name of the baby? Whatever the case, make sure you're always right where you belong with history. If you're not, even in the smallest ways, someone who knows otherwise will read it and denounce your books forever. xd Or at least that was what I was told. I don't notice many, if any historical issues with this, and I think you've done a wonderful job keeping everything ancient enough to make it seem truly Ancient Egypt, but modern enough with their language and your style of writing to keep us interested. An even middle ground where both sides of the spectrum will fit.

Joseph came to her side. “Get out,” he seethed. “And never come back.


One thing you always want to make sure of when you're writing dialogue is that you always make sure the reader understands who Joseph is talking to. I put the pieces together and just assumed Joseph was talking to Pophitarawhatshisface, but since you never actually say so, it takes the reader out of the story for a moment while they try to find who he's talking to. Like, you say he came to her side. Now the reader is thinking of Asenath. Joseph speaks, telling some un-named person to get out. My first thought was that he was telling Asenath to get out, and I was: O_O So just make sure you always make sure it's clearly shown who the character is talking to. c:

When I read through these chapters, even from the beginning, it feels sometimes as though you're turning up the speed of the book and just yanking us through these scenes sometimes, not giving us a proper chance to get into the scene and the characters. This part above? When I read through, it seems as though it should be at least two individual chapters, and perhaps three. There's so much you could expand on when writing these chapters, and so much room for description, character development, thought, actions - the list goes on. Sometimes when I read through, it's as though you're giving the sketchy outline of the story, and it needs fleshed out. Because while you give us all the information we need to know, you rush through the chapters so fast it escapes me quite a few times. An example would be Amnon. We've known him for three chapters, and yet... I don't feel as though I know him at all. Also, a year or more has gone past since Amnon has come, and only three chapters have gone by. While that isn't a big deal because you did the time gap, Amnon is lacking in character development and, really, a place in the world. Has he just been sitting around for so long? Now I'm just rambling. ><

I wonder what is going to happen to their baby. This is the perfect thing to do, though, now that her father has cursed the baby. It makes it seem as though Ra truly is real, and has made the baby sick. I wonder if she'll pray to Ra or Elohim in the end. Hm. Onto the next chapter, I guess! The only way I can find out. xd Keep writing along, and I'm curious as to where you're at in the edits, if you're re-writing the book - whichever and whatever. c:
~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Sep 30, 2014 1:12 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

I'm sooo sorry I'm taking forever in reviewing these chapters! I'll try and be faster at this. Also, the forum post that I told you I would do, will take a few days, but I'll get it done. :D

On wards now.

From what I can see there's quite a bit going on in this chapter. That's pretty awesome. If you keep your characters in trouble, then your readers will be held interested from the suspense. What I wasn't quite sure about though, was how quick it all happened. I mean, her mother and father are there, having an absolutely marvelous time lying about her-which by the way, isn't exactly a bad thing for her, as she and Joseph were also having a good time trying to not laugh. xD But after that, her father tries to dedicate her baby to Ra, Ammon appears after I think two years of nobody knowing where he was (right?), everybody gets into a complete uproar when Joseph stands up, and then her baby is cursed.

I for one, felt that it was a bit rushed. I mean, I felt rushed! and I enjoy fast paced novels usually (of good taste though xD). I'd try and slooooww this chapter down a bit. Let us take in the setting some more, dwell a bit deeper into some of the characters. Maybe have her interact with some more people? She can always try and get rid of some other people who want to hold the baby or something like that. And there's also, just things to talk about with a character. Describe her reactions to things, in detail. The part with Joseph was good. Showed that she was irritated with all the people, and she just wanted to be alone with her family. That was excellent. That's what women usually want after they've just had a baby. Is typical.

What I would have liked to see more of though, is maybe some sort of indirect thought, when it came to her pain. I mean, she's kinda uncomfortable right now, right? She just had a baby after all, and that does tend to wear on you for a few days/weeks. So maybe just one or two references towards that occasionally. Would be good to help us understand her.

She was tired of congrats and advice.


Expand on this a wee bit more. Try and show us through some thought (mature sounding thought. She just had a baby, remember.) and facial expressions how she is truly irritated. ;)

Well, thank you.


Alright, one thing I've noticed is that periodically there's a small bit of dialogue that just turns the entire sentence into complete sarcasm. That well did really. Sounded like he wasn't really grateful and just wanted to get her out of his way, and it sounded sarcastic from the way it was put. xD If that makes sense.

There's a few spots throughout your chapters that do that fairly often. That's something that can't be ignored at all. Why it's like that, is because every word that a character says, moves towards what they're like. If that character says something that is profane or what have you, then we might go and think that he is a rough sort of character. Just try and avoid those little nasty words in the future. xD (If I talked about this in a earlier review, then I'm sorry. I've forgotten what I've talked about ;) )

Together, they walked off to a quiet place away from all the feasting people.


In the final draft, describe this quiet place more. I had basically nooo picture of what anything looked like over here.

who had come back into the good graces of Potipherah since Asenath’s marriage and Seshafi’s unexpected death)


Hmm, I'm not sure I like this in parentheses. Maybe place this bit of information into a earlier chapter, so that you don't have to clarify that here? Maybe somewhere after she falls in love with Joseph and they actually act like a husband and wife when they're alone? :P

My son will not be a priest!


Whoah whoah, wait! Why not? She believes in Ra, right? Her own brother was a priest! True, they didn't treat him very well, but still... shouldn't she feel honored that her son would be dedicated to such a great god of the Egyptians? Something to think about.

Truth be told, I'm a little confused with Asenath right now. She seems like a rather topsy character right now. She's confused, so I'm confused. xD If that makes sense. Let me know on that one, as I'm rather curious about it. I always thought, that she would feel honored if someone she was related to, became a priest of Ra. Just the way she clicked with me I guess.

“No,” Joseph commanded.


Yeah, that was technically NOT a command. So this dialogue isn't going to work very well here. Maybe Joseph said forcefully? Or something like that. None of the further dialogue was a command either, so yeah. xD

Overall, I did enjoy this chapter because of the way you portrayed Asenath's frustration. She was confused, resentful and above all! Her baby's life is in jeopardy. That is something that I'm just SCARED about. If her baby dies, I don't think that will help Joseph in his quest to convert her really. More like ruin his chances.

One thing, I don't understand is this. Why on earth is the Pharaoh there? And why is everyone talking and looking at him? In every history book that I've read, NOBODY except maybe the high priests, were permitted to look at his face. They believe that he is the living god, and whoever looks on his face will instantly go blind. Gotta have something to do with their eyes, I'm sure. lol Obviously that's not true, but it's still a history fact to consider when re-writing this.

OK, I think I'm done for this chapter. Hope this helped you out a bit!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:37 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



No.

“Of course.”

I love the humor you have here!!! Okay, since I'm pretty sure you know a nitpick when you see one, I'm going to read the whole thing without stopping to make notes until I'm done.

*Reads*

Uh oh.... The baby can't die!!! :cry:

Before I continue, allow me to congratulate you on writing each chapter so quickly. It takes me about *gulp* a month to write a single chapter, and they seem to be comparatively small in comparison to yours! What is your secret??? ;)
Back to the novel. Okay. Wow. The tides have turned! This is not good. Not good at all. (Just kidding; this chapter is excellent, but you know what I mean.) Eww. Snake venom and baby pig bones. How could that heal a dying baby? I really hope that this baby survives! Ohhhhh this book is soooo good. Seriously, this could be a bestseller one day.
The other two reviewers have already said a lot, so I am going to end this very short review and jump to the next one. I hope you don't mind! :D

Image




Aravis10 says...


I write super slow actually. I started this about a year and a half ago. I was writing about this chapter when I joined YWS. I'm still writing but my posting is way behind what I am writing now. Does that make sense? So...I wish I could give you my secret but I'm in about the same boat as you. Thank you! You are the best!



Wolfi says...


Really? Wow! That's cool! :)



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 9:10 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for yet another review! This is probably going to be my last for Review Day. But I believe I have contributed my share. I certainly hope this helps you! Review time! :D

I don’t care about when you had a son or about when your cousin’s child died or anything like that. I just want to talk to my husband!
Hehehe! But she could be a little bit more patient than she is. People do care about her.

I can he be so kind to her. She doesn’t deserve honor.
I think that you meant to say "how" not "I". You also put periods instead of question marks.

Finally, Pharaoh stood up. “Friends, the party is over. I wish you safe travels home.”
Here is another instance where I think that you need to take the culture and social structure of that time into consideration. No one could even talk to the Pharos much less look at them. Only a few, such as the visier and other nobles could even talk to him.

“Snake venom mixed with the bones of a baby pig.”
That is sure going to help! I mean really that doctor must be drunk or something like that!

I suggest that you read a few more books about Egypt, just so that you can get a better understanding of their couture and social structure. It is something that kind of bothers me while I am reading this. But don't lose hope this is still a good story. With a little more improvement I think that this will turn out to be a fantastical story!

Overall I thought there were a few things in this chapter that could be worked on. For instance I would move the date of the party to two or three days later and remove the Pharaoh or put him in a different chamber. But aside from those two things (which shouldn't be too hard to fix) I think that this story is still heading in the right direction. I am glad that you added something to twist the plot too! Happy writing and happy review day!!! :D.

This review was brought to you by Team Rocket!!!




Aravis10 says...


I have researched a lot for this book, but I know that there are definitely things I could learn more about! Sometimes I have a slight tendency to change the truth of history to fit better into my plot. I will try to work on it. Thanks for the review! Good work today!



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Sat Jul 26, 2014 2:30 am
zafae0333 wrote a review...



Hello!! So, first of all I want to share my joy a bit. I actually read the story until chapter 16 but forgot to review it a couple days ago, then I suddenly came back just for that only to realize that there were two more chapters!... So I kind of read through those in a rush :3

About the review, overall I really love your story. How you manage to portray and present historical characters I very good. Even if based on some general ideas or facts, you did give them personality. I also like how you managed to represent their way of thinking through actions and dialogues.

I did feel like you rushed things a bit in about 2 parts of the whole story.
The first one would be when Asenath was saved and it broke down the walls she had set in order of not loving her husband. Even it was due to such a dramatic turn of events, I think a bit more of playing with the characters would be better. Not necesarily give us a whole chapter where she cames to realize it more and more, but at least a bit more of an internal struggle, I think.
The second was this part:

"Elohim, Elohim. Loving kindness? I am childless! Keep on hoping Joseph. But it won’t change things.

Stars twinkled brilliantly over the sleeping city. Joseph paced nervously with his hands behind his back on the front portico. Amnon leaned against a pillar with his eyes closed."

I did have to double check that the scene had changed because it was a bit too sudden if you ask me! You could try, for instance, to make a bit of an introduction before the "Stars twinkled" part, so as not to confuse too much the reader. Something like: 'The days passed and the faithful day finally came' or something like that (and then specify it's about the baby coming and not the seven years of famine jajaja 'cause that's what I think when I read my own example!)

I do love the story and am eager to get to see what happens next by your pen (or keyboard...)
I actually want to thank you for writting since it saved me from reading the tale I was suposed to in spanish class....booooring! ... So instead I read your whole first 16 paragraphs and survived the annoyment of reading in class (I'll just do it at home without that amount of people by my side).

Keep writting please!! :3




Aravis10 says...


In Word I have a little emblem thingy to separate the two sections, but it doesn't copy to this website for some reason. I am so happy that you read all the chapters!!! It is much nicer when someone has read all the chapters than when they are just jumping in the middle of the story. And yes, it is by my pen. I am weird in that I write in a notebook first then type it. Thank you for the review!



zafae0333 says...


I do the same thing!! Or did and am about to start again since I've just run out of my already digital part and It's easier to just go with a notebook around.

Oh yes, I loved it and really, jumping up chapter can make serious spoilers (Man, if you watch Dr. Who, let me tell you I practically heard River Song saying that)...Anyway, keep it up!

And yes, the site kind of skips certain things when you post something (don't really know why), like in my story it took away the little spaces I had between certain paragraphs and at the beggining of dialogues so it'd help the reader notice a major change in the line of narration. So yeah, it's kind of a pain, and I ain't doing all of that manually (again) since I write a lot per chapter!
Anyhow, just place a dotted line or something to disthinguish it and that'd make do :)




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— The KotGR Commander