Timmy here, late but still here!
I told you I would review the other piece, but I stared at it for a long time and wondered what say, typed out a few words, and then deleted it. I couldn't review it, and I don't know why, but there it is!
Onto this review!
I really liked this poem and loved its flow. Your poem's always seem to carry such a powerful message, and its so wonderful seeing poems with a message you can see in the lines, and revel in its power. I truly love these kind of works, those with not just a message in them, but also a moral. a vision of the future, and a sad eye for the past. When you described the ruins, I didn't think of marble halls. I thought of a metaphorical palace, something in the past, like someone's heart--someone's mind. Or perhaps an infrastructure, a powerful team that crumbled to the ground like Ancient Rome. I really enjoyed reading this.
Do you see the reason why
The wind howls on the darkest night?
So at first, when I was reading this through, I read it like a rhyming poem--because that was how everything was! The poem was rhyming all the way through. But then as you went on, it started to veer from that and go towards another poem style--non rhyming. You seem to veer from style to style, as if not being sure if you want to rhyme or not. Well, I think you should either rhyme or don't rhyme. So find a rhyming scheme and stick to it.
Do you know why clouds go by?
Reading through this poem, I felt as though every question needed to be answered. Every question built up to something in this poem, the question mark at the end adding a haunting feeling to the words---like the author was lost. But remember: you asked a question? Do we know? Even though most people would understand, or at least some people, you need to present an answer for every question you ask. It's almost like completing the arc of your poem. It started here in doubt, and ended there with answers.
Incomprehensible
I thought that this word, incomprehensible isn't the right word for this poem. While it may express perfectly what you want to put across, saying just what you need, the word itself is too long and makes the reader focus on pronouncing the word itself rather than flowing all the way through--not stopping for anything, but focusing on the message behind.
All in all, I thought this was very well done. I liked the usage of imagery in this poem, really. There wasn't a lot of it--not much at all, in fact. I would call this more of a narrative poem, really--but I think it just added more to the message and allowed the reader to focus on what was important here. The message inside these words. The poem told what you meant, and it came across as beautiful, but not in an imagery-filled way, but more like the sad story you wove was the beautiful part, and the simple words helped me see that better in both my mind and eyes.
My favorite line would have to be this one:
Always grounded in the light of day?
That line said a lot to me, and not just because of the imagery there, but because of what it means. grounded was a very good choice of words, because not only does daylight dispel whatever fear of the darkness we have--until darkness comes back, that is. Then its as fresh as ever--but it allows us to find what we want to hang onto. And I though it was also veering off into the metaphorical light--the light of your spirit and soul, if you will. Grounded in that, or someone else's spirit. Whichever way I interpret it, the line is still amazingly beautiful.
Good job, like really.
~Darth Timmyjake
Though, did the poem move from aabb to free style? I feel like at the end of the second stanza, the poem subtly changed into free form style. I was slightly confused for a moment there actually!
Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007
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